LadyDi Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 How did you do it? With or without an A in the works, with or without a MM/MOW etc., the logistics of it all are mind boggling. How do you dissolve a M of that duration? The finances, the property, the firendships, it's insane to even try and shuffle thru everything that would have to be divided. How does one start all over after so much time? And if any of you did leave or were booted out, did you involve the other person in all the mess, or get back with them when the smoke cleared? I only know of one friend who D after 16 years, and he had to start all over. He took nothing with him except clothes etc. It took him years to get back on his feet. I just can't imagine doing that. No wonder most MM stay, it's too much to think about, much less put in motion.
bentnotbroken Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Took everything I could get from Mr. Messy and yes, I named the ow. She became unstable and I had to take action again.
norajane Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I know lots and lots of people who have divorced. It's totally doable, if the desire is there. You just need a lawyer for the paperwork and property settlement negotiations. And the desire. It's the desire that makes the difference.
Shygirl15 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I only know of one friend who D after 16 years, and he had to start all over. He took nothing with him except clothes etc. That's what my BF did, after 17 yrs of marriage. I feel sorry for him sometimes. It's like losing everything you have worked so hard for all your life.
NoIDidn't Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Divorce is not a catastrophe. Its hard on people emotionally but, when done for the right reasons and expecting the hardships that will follow, it can be survived. And those going through it can thrive. It depends on the person. Who is getting divorced?
Author LadyDi Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 No one yet, and maybe no one ever....just starting to consider the possibility is all.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Tiptoe through the tulips over in the Divorce/Separation Board and you should get a bird's eye view of the answer to every question you can think of on this one!
Shygirl15 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 To whoever thought my responses to NoIDidn't were offensive. Didn't mean to be. Thanks.
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I left after 18 years.. (common-law) but the principle is the same.. I wasn't having an A.. and he wasn't also. I just fell out of love with him.. couldn't stand him anymore.. for a while I tried to put as much cash as I could.. then. when I left, I had money for some old furniture (stove, fridge, etc...) I left with old furniture in the basement and my clothes. I started from scratch... then I fell into a deep depression for 6 years.. I met my second ex.. one year after I separated.. we were madly in love.. but I still was in depression.. go figure.. The hardest thing was my son.. to this day, I still feel guilty.. it was extremely (overly) hard for him. but then.. I have to say. that I left a bit too quickly.. I took everybody by surprise.. Maybe I should have taken my time to really 'prepare' the separation.. mostly for my son. It is hard.. very hard.. especially if you have kids.. if you don't have children.. then it should go way smoother. Get supportive friends and family.. that's a big plus. Each situation is different... Good luck.
Author LadyDi Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Exactly what I am worried about! The kids. By preparing for the seperation, how do you mean that? Talk about it first, give it a month or so to sink in that you're leaving?
OWoman Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 How did you do it? With or without an A in the works, with or without a MM/MOW etc., the logistics of it all are mind boggling. How do you dissolve a M of that duration? The finances, the property, the firendships, it's insane to even try and shuffle thru everything that would have to be divided. How does one start all over after so much time? And if any of you did leave or were booted out, did you involve the other person in all the mess, or get back with them when the smoke cleared? I only know of one friend who D after 16 years, and he had to start all over. He took nothing with him except clothes etc. It took him years to get back on his feet. I just can't imagine doing that. No wonder most MM stay, it's too much to think about, much less put in motion. My MM and his BW were together 30+ years. Teenage kids. Initially everything was shared - finances, work, social lives - yes. But her spendthrift ways forced him to separate the finances, so that they each contributed to a shared pot for communal stuff but kept the rest of their income separate; their social lives separated naturally as their friends couldn't stand her abuse and refused to be her friend any longer, seeing him alone; his family couldn't stand her and refused to have her in the house, and only visited him if she was not there - and her family are all dead or institutionalised; the kids would go into hiding in their rooms if she was around, and would come out and spend time with him if not; he still allowed her to piggy-back off his career for a good long while until he was persuaded by his colleagues that she was a hazard and was costing them all professionally, and they basically refused to work with her making that cut fairly easy too - so there was a natural separation over the years. She had from the start insisted that all the space in "their" bedroom was for her stuff, so his stuff was always kept in the spare room, so it was easy for him to start sleeping in there too and and their lives were completely separate for the last years. Financially, they co-owned a house and its contents, but that's a fairly straightforward asset to split in a divorce. Not every M is like that, perhaps - but if there is closeness and loving and integration, where does an A fit into that?
OWoman Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Exactly what I am worried about! The kids. By preparing for the seperation, how do you mean that? Talk about it first, give it a month or so to sink in that you're leaving? In MM's case, he was honest with them - he told them that things were not working with his W, and that he'd suggested counselling and she'd refused. He suggested that they - the kids and he - go to counselling to discuss the way forward, so that all of their issues could be heard. That worked pretty well. They were fully supportive of the split, they were keen to meet me and wanted me to move in straight away. I think the important thing is that the kids get a space where they can voice their concerns in safety and be heard, and not have to worry that they'll be seen to be taking sides one way or another. That's easiest with a professional like a counsellor, but it's possible without if you can maintain an atmosphere of calm and support. Mostly, it seems, they want to know that everything will be OK - for everyone - and so if they have that reassurance and their fears are calmed it's a lot less stressful. IME D is a very positive factor for kids - despite the fears the adults have about it.
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