Am I Clueless??

[SierraRose]

Ok, here is my story...In June of 2007, I was contacted by a long lost BFF from 17 years ago. He found me on the internet and needless-to-say I was in total shock. At the time I was living with my now ex-bf. (To eliminate confusion, I am female, my old BFF a man)

 

To give you a brief background from the previous years; he and I met at work. Our friendship developed from there to outside of our workplace. We had many of the same interests, we were basically insperable. I''ve slept over his house many times (on the couch). Our friendship was always platonic. When he had gotten a g/f or me a b/f we limited our time together so the other parties wouldn't feel weird about our friendship. So at one point, both of us had gotten into LTRs, and hadn't seen each other in a while. My LTR ended and I was a mess. I called my BFF, and he said without hesitation, to get in my car and come over. He did let me know he was currently living with his g/f. I came to his apartment, met his g/f and I was to stay on the couch that night (he had moved 2 hours away from where I lived). The three of us hung out (although his g/f did have a slight attitude..) we ate, laughed and drank..and drank..and drank.... We all decided to call it a night. I curled up on the couch, he and his g/f went into thier bedroom. I was just about asleep, and I was woken up with a passionate kiss. I was shocked. He and I left the apartment; we went to is truck and he professed his love to me. He told me he had loved me for the entire time we were friends, but given his previous luck with women, he didn't want to risk saying anything and have it backfire in his face. He would rather have me as a friend, then loosing me in his life from failed love.

He told me I had been his "IT", his "One." He told me he wanted to marry me. I loved him too and I had done the same. Never wanted to ruin the friendship. We agreed, he was to talk to his live-in g/f and tell her. Well, 3 months later, he never said anything to her (he now says because of financial reasons at the time he was broke and had no place to go-neither did she.) I was patient and understanding, until the 3rd month. I told him, you let me know when you talk to her....Buh-Bye...

I had always wondered what had happened to him. I had looked him up over the years, and I did find him; however, I felt it was selfish for me just to call him out of the blue. I didn't know if he was married, single, whatever. I went on the notion he was married. I did not think it was fair for me to just pop up out of the past and disrupt his life, so I let it go. I figured if it was ment to be, he will find me, and so he did...

When we first spoke, it was like we never skipped a beat. The only difference was the tone in his voice. He was so monotoned, no laughter, extremely serious--not my BFF from years before. He was full of laughter, jokes, always smiling.He was living in Florida at the time with his pregnant wife and their daughter. THey were in the process of moving to Wisconsin. (I was in a bad relationship which has since ended.)

Once in WI, he told me how miserable he was. He said was in a loveless marriage for 10 years. His wife cheated on him early in the marriage, but he stuck it thru..he figured that's just what you do-make it work. He never truly forgave her and the resentment that built up over the years was killing him. I did respect the fact, l though miserable, he was still married..I have never gotten involved with a MM.

So, after several converations, his spark started to come back. My old friend was starting to come around. He was coming East over the summer to visit his sister and wanted to get together. He told his wife he was going to meet up with me, as well as some old friends in the area. It was going to be an overnight visit, due to the distance. I offered names of local hotels. I let him know if he felt comfortable he was welcomed to stay in the spare bedroom, he decided the latter.

He showed up, we huged, smiled, it was awesome to see him and blessed to have him in my life again. Let me tell you..he was no thru my door 10 minutes and the emotions were overflowing. He said he would know for sure the minute he saw me, he still loved me after all these years. I was still his "IT." I felt the same, but was reserved-not only did I just come out of a bad relationship, he was married.

We spent that night together (yes we had sex) and I went up to see him the following weekend. He was going to leave his wife. Once again, 3 months later (history repaeating itself??) his wife was on to us. The phone bills, the text messages...she knew, he denied it. Lot of $$ and a business involved. I had endless romantic emails, how much he wanted US.. he wanted to leave his wife amicably. He wanted his wife to see he was leaving her b/c of her, for b/c of me...One night we were on the phone, he was driving home from a business trip. He pulled over on the side of the road and we talked for 2 hours. He told me how he didnt want to go home to his W. The phone went dead shortly after, I couldnt get in touch with him, so I called it a night. I woke up a few hours later and found 14 mesages on my phone...HE DECIDED TO TELL HIS WIFE EVERYTHING! W freaks on me, freaks on him, hits him and breaks her wrist. He went to a hotel, we talked for like 4 hours, he said he was glad it was out, but it will be all good for us in the end. That was the last intimate conversation we had.

I heard from him 3 days later, his W has surgery on her wrist...with his wife in the car and on speaker phone I asked him if he was now staying with her...(very staged) he says Yes I am..and hung up

She and I had a few verbal confontatins after that, she had questions for me and I answered them. He has since told me he never loved me, it is is wife he wants to be with, he loves her and she is the only one for him. I am not his "It" apologized for any hurt he has caused but as long as he is married we can not be incontact... It has been NC since...that was in September.

I feel like I got the 1-2 punch here...he sought me out, came, destroyed and left...This compounded by the fact I just got out an abusive relationship... I am left not only hurt, but baffled, confused and I feel totally used. He totally and unexpectedly twisted my emotions. I don't know if what he was telling me was true (the love) or he is toning things down for a smoother divorce... I just don't know why he went to great lengths to find me, travel to see me..I just don't get it....Any insight? And one important detail I left out??? His wife is the g/f he was living with years ago..the one he never told...

[Chivalri]

Ouch. Sorry to hear you were faced with such a disaster of a guy...

 

My initial thoughts (which could be totally off the mark) are that he really had those feelings for you. All your history together leads me to believe that.

 

As for his situation, I am suspicious of his wife's' broken wrist (no one breaks their wrist punching someone...) and the staged phone call. He may be in an abusive relationship (staged phone call, she got your information from him, he didn't want to go home one night). Or he may be weak willed (bending to her stay with me pleas), guilty feeling, or a number of other things.

 

I think if you love him, and it sounds like you do, you shouldn't give up. I generally don't condone cheating (better to wait until a relationship is over before you start something new, as you have seen twice now) but in this case you deserve some explanation, or at least closure. Try to get him to tell you what really happened during those 3 days.

[SierraRose]

Ty for your insight. I tried to call him 2 times in October and he doesn't answer. I know his wife was checking the phone bill online daily and she made him fork over all of his internet passwords. All I know if there is contact, he needs to do it and where there is a will there is a way. She may very well be abusive or just nuts...either way, I'm not poking a sleeping bear...

[Chivalri]

Poke the bear!

 

just kidding

 

More odd news...passwords and everything? thats over the top. Does he have a work email separate from personal passwords?

[SierraRose]

They have a business together, he works from home. She has everything. He can't even sh*t without her knowing.

[bentnotbroken]

You need to leave him alone. If what he says is true and she is abusive, it would be wise for you not to antagonize her. If he is lying(which all cheaters do)then why would you wan to involve yourself with a liar. Either way you lose, lying cheater or an abusive person with a penchant for payback.

[pelicanpreacher]

It constantly amazes me how cavalier everyone is when discussing the intimate details of a marriage or relationship. For me that is a bright day-glow boundary that you just don't cross. Anyways, since he claims he confessed all to his wife do you know for a fact that he told her about telling you all about her affair, his growing resentment over that issue, and that he actually relayed all this information to you prior to his affair with you?

 

Please be highly suspicious of anyone who'd be willing to blab about their marriage to you in the future because that is the first sign that they're trying to exploit the sympathy card to get you to step closer, break your boundaries and discard your values in favor of their agenda to have sex with you. His game has been played so often it's played out and should be retired by now!

[NoIDidn't]

It constantly amazes me how cavalier everyone is when discussing the intimate details of a marriage or relationship.

 

Usually the first sign of the person seeking to justify bad behavior: just blame my _____. LOL

 

SierraRose (pretty handle, btw) it is not uncommon for *friends and *exes to contact us hoping to find that last spark of love.

 

This man threw you under the bus without an ounce of fanfare or sympathy. If I were you, I'd want to see the hospital bills for her wrist before I believed that lame story.

 

Unfortunately you left out the most pertinent piece of information: that the W was the girlfriend from way back when. The fact that he married her and is still with her is rather telling. Don't you think?

 

He's just got an itch and knew where he could get it scratched. His type is easy to identify. He cares about you, so long as you still care about him. Otherwise, he would not have put you in this situation.

[frannie]

OK, the way I see it is this. He may have all sorts of feelings for you, and he may even want to leave and be with you, but his actions show that he finds that either too difficult, or impossible for whatever reasons. Perhaps he is frightened of change, perhaps he does not believe that it would 'work out' with you, perhaps he does not believe he deserves happiness. He certainly has felt, at different times, a strong attraction to you and even a need for you in his life, but he just can't bring himself to make the changes necessary in order to make that a reality. I feel that's more the case than that he's just flat out lied to you and used you, but that's not outside the realms of possibility, of course.

 

Let's look at his actions (snipped a lot to get to the crux):

 

... brief background from the previous years... at one point, both of us had gotten into LTRs, and hadn't seen each other in a while. My LTR ended and I was a mess. ... I curled up on the couch... I was woken up with a passionate kiss.... He told me I had been his "IT", his "One." He told me he wanted to marry me... he was to talk to his live-in g/f and tell her. Well, 3 months later, he never said anything to her.

 

At this point he wasn't (yet) married to her, and yet, despite you being his 'it', he couldn't make the break. I think it's significant that you had just broken up with someone, you were vulnerable, and he took advantage; you had been drinking and you were asleep.

 

Years later, he looked you up online:

 

... When we first spoke, it was like we never skipped a beat. ... He was living in Florida at the time with his pregnant wife and their daughter... I let him know if he felt comfortable he was welcomed to stay in the spare bedroom, he decided the latter.... We spent that night together (yes we had sex) and I went up to see him the following weekend. He was going to leave his wife.

 

The same thing happened while his now W was pregnant... this isn't uncommon, but it is a sign that he was looking for an Ego boost I think, and he turned to you, his old Ego-booster. And once again, he says he's leaving (to hook you in) but fails to deliver, yet again...

 

... Once again, 3 months later (history repaeating itself??) his wife was on to us. The phone bills, the text messages...she knew, he denied it.

 

This is the worst bit. She now KNOWS and he has a chance, and still denies it. This is where things get messy, because it's easy now to start blaming her, she won't let go, she's violent, he 'can't' leave, he's 'forced' to say things he doesn't feel, etc. etc. He can say to you:

 

... he was glad it was out, but it will be all good for us in the end.

 

One day, someday...

 

... I heard from him 3 days later, his W has surgery on her wrist...with his wife in the car and on speaker phone I asked him if he was now staying with her...(very staged) he says Yes I am..and hung up.

 

He has since told me he never loved me, it is is wife he wants to be with, he loves her and she is the only one for him. I am not his "It" apologized for any hurt he has caused but as long as he is married we can not be in contact... It has been NC since...that was in September.

 

So basically, when push came to shove he was forced (by circumstances, not his W) to retract the words he'd been using to paint a picture of a future with you. Those are the facts, unfortunately. How you manipulate them in order to make him the hapless victim is another matter. He has had the chance to come clean and he hasn't taken it. But his words... what do they mean... are you his 'it' or did he 'never love you'. If it was her he wanted to be with, why has he expended so much effort on you? Mind-bending isn't it?

 

I think that's because these men are quite capable of wanting and believing in incompatable futures. They don't seem to apply any kind of logic, planning or good sense. Only when forced with a clash of their 'realities' do they jump one side or another, and almost without exception the way they jump is to maintain the status quo, whatever that is. Then later use more words in order to get straight back into the affair and deceive both women again in order to have everything. Nice.

 

The mistake we make is to expect them to live in the real world. Essentially they don't have to. Both BS and OW make it possible for them to live in this multiverse of ego-boosting. I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking he has any plans to do anything other than bask in the (negative) attention of his BS for now. It's probably all he needs.

[LittleDove]

Please be highly suspicious of anyone who'd be willing to blab about their marriage to you in the future because that is the first sign that they're trying to exploit the sympathy card to get you to step closer, break your boundaries and discard your values in favor of their agenda to have sex with you. His game has been played so often it's played out and should be retired by now!

 

See now THIS right here, theyre some wise words...some very wise words..

[lkjh]

From a guys point of view I can tell you that the guy is a scumbag. He was looking for an affair so he played the miserable marriage card. You should just cut him out

[SierraRose]

What baffels me is if it was OW he was after, why me...He travels quite a bit and could have simply had a NSA encounter, no one would have ever known but him. He put great effort into finding me. He was married, living in FL, I in NJ. He then moved to WI and drove to the Eastcoast to have the chance to see me. His life obviously went on this long without me, why feel compelled to "rekindle" the friendship? WTF?

[pelicanpreacher]

No no no no no...don't get me twisted! As a dude, I'll think of old flames and other "possibilities" from time to time, especially when dealing with times of dissappointment in my ex better half. Since a true connection with you was once perceived in the past, you represented someone who fell in the "strong possibilities" category and, oddly enough, because no full on relationship ever occurred way back when... you stand out as the most alluring candidate in the selection process during these sort of times. Once sex has been had though, he, like a lot of guys, will relegate you to the realm of the conquered because the chase is over. I'm sorry to tell you but you may have been used primarily as an ego boost to placate the damage done to his self-esteem by his wife's affair. If by having an affair with someone he truly felt something for at one time evens the scales somewhat, well, then a guy's gonna do what guy's gotta do!

[signedin2008]

His wife is the g/f he was living with years ago..the one he never told...

 

It's obvious that he loved her and that's why he never left. You were used. Why you and not some random chick, because you were the one he never had and it's familiar, but yet strange, a good nice combination. He belonged and belongs to her. You were just his mistress. He got what he wanted and he would like to have some more, but he is not willing to lose his wife for it.

[wildsoul]

What baffels me is if it was OW he was after, why me...He travels quite a bit and could have simply had a NSA encounter, no one would have ever known but him. He put great effort into finding me. He was married, living in FL, I in NJ. He then moved to WI and drove to the Eastcoast to have the chance to see me. His life obviously went on this long without me, why feel compelled to "rekindle" the friendship? WTF?

I think most men who cheat don't want an NSA. They want an OW that they can be emotional, romantic, and sexual with. Think about the ego-boost factor too. An NSA means the woman is using him (just as he is using her.) No one likes that feeling. Compare that to the feeling of having a woman SO in love that she'll take great risks (betraying her values, waiting, etc.) for you. That kind of emotional validation is so much more potent.

 

Think about it. You didn't want an NSA either. An affair with lots of romantic intrigue and emotional pull is much stronger. Same for him as you, even though you were more serious about making it a committed R than him. However, you are single and can actually follow through on being with someone if you choose.

 

What's coming up for you now? You've been in NC for a couple of months. Are you still in withdrawals and wanting him back, or are you just sorting things out after the door is closed?

[SierraRose]

I think you have me confused with someone else. I live in NJ, not NC.

[whichwayisup]

You've been in NC for a couple of months

 

WS means NC as in No Contact.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think most men who cheat don't want an NSA. They want an OW that they can be emotional, romantic, and sexual with. Think about the ego-boost factor too. An NSA means the woman is using him (just as he is using her.) No one likes that feeling. Compare that to the feeling of having a woman SO in love that she'll take great risks (betraying her values, waiting, etc.) for you. That kind of emotional validation is so much more potent.

 

Ahhhh! I don't know what NSA means but the part I emboldened was the nail I was trying to hit! Look hard and deeply at your own words WS...

LOOK HARD AND DEEPLY!

[SierraRose]

LOL....yes, there has been NC since September.

 

When MM confessed to W she went absolutely nuts. She hit him repeatedly to the point she broke her wrist. She called me up like a lunatic. She retaliated against me; emailed my friends, made posts on the INTERNET about me using my 1st and last name..signed me up for numerous porn sites...she did things a teenager would do. She had surgery and had this external device on her arm. She then called me a week later apologizing for HER behavior and her actions to wards me!?! That was the last I heard from her.

 

Next day, MM called me apologizing for all the hurt he had caused and the disruption in my life. He said he was a faithful husband for 14 years, and not he couldn't say that anymore. He said I MADE THINGS TOO EASY FOR HIM! I told him what he needed to here, gave him the love and affection he desired. I'm like umm, u found me, u drove to my home, u initiated the romance..not me. He said NC and as long as he is married, he is not available.

 

I know he is afraid of what his W is capable of doing. He had expressed that concern many times. He wanted to divorce her amicably-no lawyers, nice nice and wanted to file for custody of his girls because he thought she was nuts. I didn't think there was such a thing as a nice, quiet divorce.... It's his bed, he either lays in it or he doesn't.

 

I on the-other-hand, am just concentrating on my life and taking care of my son. I'm refocusing on goals that I had put on the back burner. I have tried dating; I have come to the conclusion, I just don't want to. Finding a man is not one of my goals-a healthy LTR will happen when it's meant to happen. Until then, it's all about me...

[bentnotbroken]

LOL....yes, there has been NC since September.

 

When MM confessed to W she went absolutely nuts. She hit him repeatedly to the point she broke her wrist. She called me up like a lunatic. She retaliated against me; emailed my friends, made posts on the INTERNET about me using my 1st and last name..signed me up for numerous porn sites...she did things a teenager would do. She had surgery and had this external device on her arm. She then called me a week later apologizing for HER behavior and her actions to wards me!?! That was the last I heard from her.

 

Next day, MM called me apologizing for all the hurt he had caused and the disruption in my life. He said he was a faithful husband for 14 years, and not he couldn't say that anymore. He said I MADE THINGS TOO EASY FOR HIM! I told him what he needed to here, gave him the love and affection he desired. I'm like umm, u found me, u drove to my home, u initiated the romance..not me. He said NC and as long as he is married, he is not available.

 

I know he is afraid of what his W is capable of doing. He had expressed that concern many times. He wanted to divorce her amicably-no lawyers, nice nice and wanted to file for custody of his girls because he thought she was nuts. I didn't think there was such a thing as a nice, quiet divorce.... It's his bed, he either lays in it or he doesn't.

 

I on the-other-hand, am just concentrating on my life and taking care of my son. I'm refocusing on goals that I had put on the back burner. I have tried dating; I have come to the conclusion, I just don't want to. Finding a man is not one of my goals-a healthy LTR will happen when it's meant to happen. Until then, it's all about me...

 

 

It seems you and she had something in common, acting like teenagers. Neither of you(MM too)could act like mature adults.

[SierraRose]

I disagree with you Bent...I would never resort to the child-like acts of signing up someone for porn, or emailing their friends. The situation was between us; she might not have liked it, but it is what is.

[whichwayisup]

But you and her husband put her in this position. Sure, she reacted out of anger, but atleast she apologized. Did you ever apologize to her about sleeping with her husband? Tell her you were sorry that you allowed an affair to happen?

 

Anyway, he's made his choice, and definately stay in NC (no contact) mode, heal and move on with your life.

[wildsoul]

Ahhhh! I don't know what NSA means but the part I emboldened was the nail I was trying to hit! Look hard and deeply at your own words WS...

LOOK HARD AND DEEPLY!

Um, well how do you think I came up with that in the first place? Trust me, PP, I'm looking alright.

 

PS: NSA= "no strings attached"

[bentnotbroken]

I disagree with you Bent...I would never resort to the child-like acts of signing up someone for porn, or emailing their friends. The situation was between us; she might not have liked it, but it is what is.

 

Of course you would disagree. Like WWIU said, I'd bet she thinks sleeping with her husband was a teenage act. You view the actions of her signing you up for porn as childlike, but you can't contract diseases from being signed up for a site, she can get something from you and her husband having sex. Once you decided to sleep with her husband, you involved yourself in her marriage. And her actions concerning the betrayal in her marriage, was indeed hers to do with as she pleased. She did eventually behave in a mature manner and apologized. I highly doubt you stepped up to the same maturity level and apologized to her. So it seems that you considered the affair between the 3 of you, it seems she considered her marriage between her and her husband.

[SierraRose]

First of all, let's clarify something. I am D&D Free and so is he. Second of all if the marriage was so wonderful, then not me, you or anyone can break up something that is happy...their marriage was damaged way long before I came along. She destroyed her marriage years ago not by 1 A, but by 2 As. I didn't wreck their marriage, I just came along with the broom and dustpan...