LoveLace Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 The last guy I acknowledged here was a guy I met online....now here's the thing... Most, but not all of my pics are me with longer hair...quite a big longer...but they are very good pics of myself. Recently I had my hair cut shorter, way shorter, and it looks better and it's easier to manage; men seem to like it, too. My hair just didn't look very good long anymore...anyway, there is ONE pic of myself with the shorter hair but it's not a close-up. Call me crazy, but I had an inkling that he felt deceived by it...I don't look any different, otherwise. I can see being deceived by a person who lied about being overweight or something...but if you think a person is cute, you must not think they are cute enough if you are disappointed by such a small thing as a hair cut...oh I"m sorry, should I be explaining myself to you?...um, no! Same hair color, same face, same everything. But you'd be surprised what really bothers some people. I felt deceived once when a guy's picture was him dressed up for a XMAS party. When he picked me up for a date, he looked like he just rolled out of bed. Messy hair, crappy clothes and shoes....this is deception to me but someone else might not think so...I make sure to include pics of myself both dressy and casual on a profile. So what you see is what you get - oh unless I just got a hair cut of course....would you feel the need to explain this before meeting or upon meeting? Now the COLOR of hair is a given - you'd have to expain that one for sure - Now I guess I'd better go and find some other pics of myself that are more recent, because you know, I wouldn't want anybody to feel deceived...lol Anyone else ever had a similar experience from either side?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Hmmm. Some guys are fixated on long hair and some won't even date women with short hair. So I guess I can see where he's coming from even if I think it's shallow. I do not agree this is up there with lying about height, weight, etc.
Isolde Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 My pet peeve is when you "reject" an online guy you exchanged 1-2 short emails with and then he starts hurling insults out of nowhere because he feels rejected by someone he never met.
movingonandon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I foresee a bright and controversial future for this thread OP, i think that you wasted way too much energy on such a minor issue - the guy's got issues, end of story. The contact initiated online is soo indirect that there is bound to be a discrepancy between the profile and the real person, even with no intent to decieve. I make assessments as the new info comes in. My personal pet peeve: girls labeling their body type as "about average", when they're clearly, obviously, beyond-any-reasonable-doubt chubby
zhsoj Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Wait? Could it be? A woman not thinking their haircut is a world-stopping event!? Personally it wouldn't have bugged me in the slightest; unless you looked like girl-next-door in the pics and showed up with a punk-rock purple and green mohawk... On second thought that wouldn't bug me either
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 My personal pet peeve: girls labeling their body type as "about average", when they're clearly, obviously, beyond-any-reasonable-doubt chubby You know, I've wondered about this...what guys think IS "average?" I'm still talking about the thread topic "Internet Dating Pet Peeves," so hopefully this won't be considered off-topic. I used to be heavier and WAS considered "average" by the statistics of the U.S. You do realize that "average" these days is size 14 for a girl? I don't know the average BMI, but size 14 is pretty big compared to media-glorified standards of "average." I'm down in sizes these days, and so wouldn't even identify with chubby. But wondered what guys THINK is average. Thankfully the problem doesn't plague me anymore, but I did wonder. http://www.fda.gov/fdac/departs/2005/105_note.html Average body mass index (BMI) has also increased among adults from about 25 in 1960 to 28 in 2002.And the majority of celebrities are at the very low end of "healthy" - 18.5 BMI or definitely underweight. Maybe in the future you should ask what her BMI is. http://webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/homerealestate/package.jsp?name=fte/clothessize/clothessize http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD/factsandfigures.html
movingonandon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 You know, I've wondered about this...what guys think IS "average?" I'm still talking about the thread topic "Internet Dating Pet Peeves," so hopefully this won't be considered off-topic. I used to be heavier and WAS considered "average" by the statistics of the U.S. You do realize that "average" these days is size 14 for a girl? I don't know the average BMI, but size 14 is pretty big compared to media-glorified standards of "average." I'm down in sizes these days, and so wouldn't even identify with chubby. But wondered what guys THINK is average. Thankfully the problem doesn't plague me anymore, but I did wonder. http://www.fda.gov/fdac/departs/2005/105_note.html And the majority of celebrities are at the very low end of "healthy" - 18.5 BMI or definitely underweight. Maybe in the future you should ask what her BMI is. http://webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/homerealestate/package.jsp?name=fte/clothessize/clothessize http://www.eskimo.com/~largesse/INDD/factsandfigures.html Fair point! I personally prefer girls that are built like young boys . Just kidding. Average in my mind is supposed to be 'common sense', not statistical average. Just because 60% of the population is built like amazingly soft tanks does not mean that this is "average" in a sense of "normal". So for me "about average" is no more than ~10 pounds above ideal healthy weight. I.e. just a bit of extra softness here and there on an otherwise pretty well proportionated, though not athletic, body .
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Ah. See, girls might not think that way. I think since your average is different than the average, you may have to clarify in the future to said woman. Not being an ass about it, but maybe explaining what YOUR body is like and how you like a woman's body to be (the thing about soft in the right places, in shape, but not too athletic). Point taken about the soft tanks.
Author LoveLace Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I foresee a bright and controversial future for this thread OP, i think that you wasted way too much energy on such a minor issue - the guy's got issues, end of story. The contact initiated online is soo indirect that there is bound to be a discrepancy between the profile and the real person, even with no intent to decieve. I make assessments as the new info comes in. My personal pet peeve: girls labeling their body type as "about average", when they're clearly, obviously, beyond-any-reasonable-doubt chubby Actually I was suspecting that it might have been HE putting too much on a minor issue. But it could have been a different issue all together, I guess... I'd doubt that all men or all women have the same definition of "average" or above average. That's why I have to see photos 1st (even though they can be distorted of reality), then I usually make my own judgement and it doesn't matter what his profile says. But if you chat with someone without a photo, it wouldn't hurt to say "You said you are "average"- please explain". And hell, if your still concerned then don't date them until you see a picture. Maybe that all sounds shallow itself, but I figured out that I get less surprise disappointments that way. Oh and Isolde I hate that...people that go off on you for deciding your not interested after some contact. That has insecure and immature written all over it - all it does is make you glad that you rejected them. Similarily, I've had internet guys that I NEVER responded to who kept writing me anyway - "more pictures coming soon!" and weird stuff like that...I finally had to write that guy and say, "Look I'm not interested"...because 0 response by itself isn't enough for some people to get the hint.
alphamale Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Anyone else ever had a similar experience from either side? yes, the first internet date i went on was in 1999 i think. the woman that showed up looked nothing like her pic. i asked her about it and she said her pics were 10 years old when she was 50 lbs lighter.... she said she got more responses with the old pics than current ones
motive2002 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 In my stint of online dating.. I used pictures that i thought were flattering, but they were always recent, and always done with my own camera, without photoshop, or some expensive portrait studio etc. The picture thing is kinda tough. So many people will take a glance at a photo and just move right along. Pictures never do justice anyway. You can have a cute, bubbly personality that would never translate onto a 2-dimensional frame. I think online dating makes people a little more superficial than they otherwise would be in real life.
alphamale Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I think online dating makes people a little more superficial than they otherwise would be in real life. no, the words make everyone look the same so the only way to differentiate people is thru their physical appearance.
Author LoveLace Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 no, the words make everyone look the same so the only way to differentiate people is thru their physical appearance. I'd say there is some of both going on. - That is people being more supeficial and relying on appearnce more than words.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 My online pictures mostly have long hair and they're a few years old (I look exactly the same except my hair is short right now). Nobody's ever fussed, though I do often state my hair length and color in my profile (it changes often, and I hate taking pictures---standing still for them, uploading them, just not my thing). I do think there's a problem with lying or "hiding" behind old pictures, as honesty is key, but a few men have turned me off by continuing to request more and more pictures before meeting. I wouldn't put up pictures that don't look like me, so I find that insulting (I'm actually what most people consider beautiful, and I am thin -- size 2 -- as well, with nothing to "hide"). What I look like shouldn't matter SO much, especially since I write long profiles with many facets that show off my personality---when a guy focuses on that, it is a much bigger turn on. I'd much rather a guy be interested in something I said, rather than my picture. I assume anyone who expresses interest thinks he might find me physically attractive. My personal internet dating pet peeves, beyond that, are messages with poor spelling or that use "u" "4" "2" etc and messages that don't reflect that he's read my profile (especially "how r u" or "u r beautiful" -- but really anything that is generic).
Shygirl15 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 My personal internet dating pet peeves, beyond that, are messages with poor spelling or that use "u" "4" "2" etc and messages that don't reflect that he's read my profile (especially "how r u" or "u r beautiful" -- but really anything that is generic). Urgh. How about I'm working "l8" tonite? From a 40yrs old. Back on topic, Lovelace you clearly misrepresented yourself. What makes you think there's no difference between long and short hair? My BF did this too; posted pics with facial hair then showed up clean shaven. I had to ask him to kindly grow his facial hair back because that's what I thought I was getting into.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Back on topic, Lovelace you clearly misrepresented yourself. What makes you think there's no difference between long and short hair? My BF did this too; posted pics with facial hair then showed up clean shaven. I had to ask him to kindly grow his facial hair back because that's what I thought I was getting into. Are you being tongue-in-cheek or serious? Because... well, hairstyles are going to change anyway, as is facial hair, no? If you cannot like someone with a variety of hairstyles, I think that bodes not-so-well for any future success of the relationship. Or... Perhaps I only think this way because I change my hair constantly. So, anyone who dates me has to accept that.
movingonandon Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 no, the words make everyone look the same so the only way to differentiate people is thru their physical appearance. Which reminds me of another online dating pet peeve: all the girls presenting themselves as these huuge paradoxes, *all in the exact same words*: "I like watching sports, but I'm also a girly girl" "I am a jeans and T-shirt girl, but I also love to glam it up" "I'm as happy with a night snuggling on the couch as with a night on the town" and on and on and on, space filler. I usually just glance at the picture - perconality at least to some extent does show up on the face! If the picture is decent, then I read the profile. There is a discernible correlation between the pictures and the profiles, so as a heuristic the approach is perfectly legitimate.
SierraRose Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 These are my INTERNET pet peeves... 1) IMs..Hi Hun... ewwww..dont call me Hun 2) Meet someone from a dating website supposedly looking for LTR..within 5 minutes sexual innuendos 3) He: I have naughty pics, do you 4) The random IM..a/s/l No, I don't have naked pictures, I will not go on my web cam. Maybe I am too old fashioned, but this annoys the **** outta me.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Which reminds me of another online dating pet peeve: all the girls presenting themselves as these huuge paradoxes, *all in the exact same words*: "I like watching sports, but I'm also a girly girl" "I am a jeans and T-shirt girl, but I also love to glam it up" "I'm as happy with a night snuggling on the couch as with a night on the town" and on and on and on, space filler. I usually just glance at the picture - perconality at least to some extent does show up on the face! If the picture is decent, then I read the profile. There is a discernible correlation between the pictures and the profiles, so as a heuristic the approach is perfectly legitimate. Oh, I hate those. Men say some of those things too (the couch and night on the town thing especially). They're cliche, and they say nothing about who one really is. That's the biggest issue with profiles---they're often not very unique and reflective of the individual. For me, that's a turn off, since I very much like articulate guys, who can express themselves well - in writing and verbally. So, I pay a lot of attention to diction in profiles. I look through all the pictures posted. Sometimes you can see personality in the picture, I agree.
alphamale Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Which reminds me of another online dating pet peeve: all the girls presenting themselves as these huuge paradoxes, *all in the exact same words*: "I like watching sports, but I'm also a girly girl" "I am a jeans and T-shirt girl, but I also love to glam it up" "I'm as happy with a night snuggling on the couch as with a night on the town" the one i love is "taking walks on the beach" even though they live in topeka, kansas
BlossomingLotus Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 What I look like shouldn't matter SO much, especially since I write long profiles with many facets that show off my personality---when a guy focuses on that, it is a much bigger turn on. I'd much rather a guy be interested in something I said, rather than my picture. I am the same as you, I write long profiles showing off my personality, and you know what? Some of the guys actually read them! But... they only stop on my page because of my picture. I know it, you know it, the world knows it. It doesn't make it worse or more superficial. If you met someone at the coffee shop, and they were unattractive to you, you may make small talk, but it would most likely not go further than that. I have tried the "dating them because they have a great personality" thing. I truly have. But at the end of the night, when its time for the kiss, I have absolutely no desire to kiss them. I have tried, but the entire time I am thinking how I am not the slightest bit aroused by this person. So, yes, the physical does matter and the pictures do matter. When I had my online profile up, I had close to 30 pictures on there. A lot of them were candid shots that other people took where I was laughing, waving my hands around (because I am a Cajun girl who talks with her hands), and most importantly - smiling. Everyone I met online said that they loved that my pictures showed so much of who I was versus the typical "take my picture so I can put it on my online dating site" pose. As for my online dating peeves... the bad grammar is HUGE. I can not stand the "L8R", the "How R U" etc. Oh and of course there is the opening email of "Man, you are hot! I would love to take you out sometime." And that's it. Nothing more. Ummm.... DELETE.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I am the same as you, I write long profiles showing off my personality, and you know what? Some of the guys actually read them! But... they only stop on my page because of my picture. I know it, you know it, the world knows it. It doesn't make it worse or more superficial. Oh, no, I don't mind if they stop because of my picture, and I assume anyone who asks me out finds me physically attractive (that counts, of course!). However, I think emphasizing it is tacky. I'll assume if someone's contacted me, they think I'm pretty...but what else? There has to be more to it, in the case of online dating, where I took the time to put together a profile that is unique and really shows who I am (many have told me it is, so I do believe I suceeded), that's all. I don't find it superficial that they like my picture, but I find it superficial if that's what they have to talk about---unless they're speaking of something in a candid shot that displays personality. There are way too many people who don't even READ the profile. Those people are very much not my type, and yes, I find that to be superficial.
BlossomingLotus Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I don't find it superficial that they like my picture, but I find it superficial if that's what they have to talk about---unless they're speaking of something in a candid shot that displays personality. That makes sense, I guess I see what you are saying there. I think a lot of the reason they harp on the "recent" photos is because a LOT of people have been burned. If they themselves have not, then they know someone who has. So they are super funny about it. I tried to leave the date stamp on some of my pictures so they could see when it was taken. It seemed to alleviate some of the worries.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 That makes sense, I guess I see what you are saying there. I think a lot of the reason they harp on the "recent" photos is because a LOT of people have been burned. If they themselves have not, then they know someone who has. So they are super funny about it. I tried to leave the date stamp on some of my pictures so they could see when it was taken. It seemed to alleviate some of the worries. Eh, I've been burned, too. It's not like guys never gain weight or lose hair after taking that photo. (And I like skinny, lanky guys with hair I can run my fingers through, generally.) But it's not like meeting someone for coffee is a lifetime commitment. I usually even buy my own coffee on these meetings! I guess it comes down to what you want, too. Personally, I wouldn't lie about the way I look---I like who I am, and I think I look great. Still, I'm not into a guy who's going to lose interest in me if I cut my hair, gain 10 pounds, have a pimple, etc. Those men would make horrible LTR. Just as the people who "lie" would be horrible choices, because they clearly aren't comfy with who they really are.
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I ended a LTR four months ago and in my pain, I joined a bunch of dating sites and spent almost two solid months perusing and using those sites. Now I consider them two wasted months and have given up entirely on 'net dating. I had VERY recent pictures and a VERY extensively written profile -- probably too extensive for most to read. In it, I was extremely explicit in the fact that I do not want children in my life and that if you are divorced and a part-time dad or a widower with children, I'm not the girl for you. Yet on FIVE separate occasions, I received entreaties from guys who were inexplicably "drawn to my stunning beauty" or felt that "God was missing an angel in heaven" and because of their attraction to me, I would of course be willing to consider them AND THEIR CHILDREN. Two of the guys even went to the extent to write full profiles of THEIR CHILDREN -- WITH PICTURES! -- thinking that would change my mind. I can't tell you how distasteful it is to think that these poor children are having their parents peddling them as a package deal. Ummm... sorry. There is a reason I never had children and never wanted children. And I know that being middle aged makes it difficult for me to find a guy without kids, but that's the way it is for me. (I *have* specified that if the children are old enough to have graduated high school, that would be different because the kids have already moved on to their own lives).
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