girlsweetness Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Hi Everyone, I have been in a relationship with this man for 5 years. For the first few years we had an open relationship. Each of us told each other that if we met someone locally we would pursue that. When he did pursue someone local he was very mean to me in the process. She lied to him a lot and every time she hurt him he would come to me and I would make him feel better. This happened tonnes of times. I always stuck by him. Anyways for the past 6 months since she left him he has been calling me everyday and trying to be good to me. He came up to see me and we had a week visit. During this visit which was our first visit ever something happened that was very difficult for me. Both of us are into bdsm in the bedroom but I do have limits to this. One night things got out of hand he was drunk and I asked him to stop what he was doing as I felt uncomfortable he kept saying he didn't care, than had a big fit and did stop. It was so much noise that hotel security came - 3 security members and had me sleep in another room. I felt horrible and he said I didn't defend him and made him look bad. I was just very embarassed. Anyways now we are back in our respective cities and the first week we were back I noticed he called me less. Then the past few days he said he may be meeting a girl locally that he met on a bdsm website. He said he doesn't like her personality but just wants to see how it goes and they are arranging a real life meeting. He said that he is unsure of her and feels she is even a bit mean. Although for the past six months he said he wants a committed relationship to me. Now I am utterly confused and have no idea where to take this. For the time I have known him and in our open relationship phase he met girls who would treat him horribly every time then he would come back to me and try to be closer, but while talking to these girls he becomes distant to me. I guess because I stick around every time. I am not sure what i do. When I do voice there is an issue he says its because I am not fun on the phone and he gets sick of the phone, but I am awesome in real life. Yet when these girls hurt him he's on the phone with me every night and fully committed. I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster.
maddieparker Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 the only question is would it be harder to be with him, or harder to be without? boring on the phone? seems like an excuse, but who knows.
Island Girl Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I have been in a relationship with this man for 5 years. For the first few years we had an open relationship. Each of us told each other that if we met someone locally we would pursue that. When he did pursue someone local he was very mean to me in the process. She lied to him a lot and every time she hurt him he would come to me and I would make him feel better. This happened tonnes of times. I always stuck by him. Okay. He was mean to you throughout the time you have known him. He basically disregards you. Discards you. Discounts you. And you have been supportive of him. You have been good to him. Anyways for the past 6 months since she left him he has been calling me everyday and trying to be good to me. He has no one else so he stops being mean to you. He in fact becomes nice and trying to be good ----------- again. He came up to see me and we had a week visit. During this visit which was our first visit ever something happened that was very difficult for me. Both of us are into bdsm in the bedroom but I do have limits to this. One night things got out of hand he was drunk and I asked him to stop what he was doing as I felt uncomfortable he kept saying he didn't care, than had a big fit and did stop. It is my understanding that in bdsm there MUST be trust. And boundaries MUST be respected. There was a very real threat of him crossing those boundaries with you. In fact he started to. It was so much noise that hotel security came - 3 security members and had me sleep in another room. I felt horrible and he said I didn't defend him and made him look bad. I was just very embarassed. You felt horrible? WHY?!! He was the one who made his own choices and if he "looked bad" then he should have stopped when you told him to. End of story. I am sure it was embarrassing, however, I am glad you weren't pressed further in a direction you weren't comfortable with - or worse. I guess I mean I am glad you are alive and not so damaged that you couldn't feel embarrassed. I hope that makes sense. Anyways now we are back in our respective cities and the first week we were back I noticed he called me less. Then the past few days he said he may be meeting a girl locally that he met on a bdsm website. He said he doesn't like her personality but just wants to see how it goes and they are arranging a real life meeting. He said that he is unsure of her and feels she is even a bit mean. Although for the past six months he said he wants a committed relationship to me. Why on Earth would you WANT a committed relationship with him? He really sounds like a selfish _______ . Fill in with whatever expletive you'd like. He sounds manipulative and like he uses you consistently. It also sounds like he has no respect for you at all. Now I am utterly confused and have no idea where to take this. For the time I have known him and in our open relationship phase he met girls who would treat him horribly every time then he would come back to me and try to be closer, but while talking to these girls he becomes distant to me. I guess because I stick around every time. I am not sure what i do. When I do voice there is an issue he says its because I am not fun on the phone and he gets sick of the phone, but I am awesome in real life. Yet when these girls hurt him he's on the phone with me every night and fully committed. I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster. Just because you have stuck around in the past does not mean you have to stick around now? 5 years of bondage and baggage from this loser is enough isn't it? Or is it? Are you through being used and discarded by him or are you still yearning for more? I guess the answer is you'll be done when you are done. But I'd have been finished with him long ago -- and have you ever thought that these girls are "mean" to him because they won't allow him to treat them as badly as he treats you? Something to think about...there are two sides and with it being a pattern of what happens to him I'd start looking at the storyteller not the characters within the story...
Author girlsweetness Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Thank you Island Girl, I appreciate your response. I did talk to him today as I wanted to discuss where we are headed and what seemed unhealthy to me in relationship issues. He blew up at me badly and said I have a way of pushing his buttons just like I did on the trip in the hotel room and that nobody in his life has pushed his buttons to the point I push them. I am one who asks many questions, and based on the past I have issues with trust. If he wants to meet a girl for coffee locally I try to be okay with it because I know I am so far away. The difference is if I meet a guy I know its just friendship and I always treat my guy respectfully whereas when he meets a new girl I feel totally dissed. He keeps saying I am the one and that hes just meeting this girl for friendship. But then I ask what is the point when he's not usually capable of a pure friendship with a female. I almost feel like I am unable to let go because its a crutch I have held on to. When we had an open relationship I dated other men - I got over them so quickly, and I set standards and walked away if I was treated in a wrong manner. Sometimes I was treated greatly but things did not click I was still able to walk away head held high. For some reason with him I can't I feel I have lost all dignity. I have even come to the point of believing him when he says that what happened in that room that day was my fault. Not sure why i can let go so easily of any guy but not this one when it brings me more tears than the rest put together.
Island Girl Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I appreciate your response. I did talk to him today as I wanted to discuss where we are headed and what seemed unhealthy to me in relationship issues. He blew up at me badly and said I have a way of pushing his buttons just like I did on the trip in the hotel room and that nobody in his life has pushed his buttons to the point I push them. Whoa -- Then he is already telling you that you two are like oil and water... AND -- blaming YOU for his own reactions. We all CHOOSE to react however we choose to react. He has the option of acting rationally but can not. (I think we may have an indicator as to why these women he meets locally are THROUGH with him fairly quickly and end up being so "mean"). I am one who asks many questions, and based on the past I have issues with trust. If he wants to meet a girl for coffee locally I try to be okay with it because I know I am so far away. The difference is if I meet a guy I know its just friendship and I always treat my guy respectfully whereas when he meets a new girl I feel totally dissed. You feel "dissed" because you ARE. By your own admission he becomes mean to you during these times and disregards you. He doesn't even treat you like a friend during these times. (why do you care about him again?) He keeps saying I am the one and that hes just meeting this girl for friendship. OH LUCKY YOU!!!!!!!! You are "the one"! Yeah, THE ONE he gets to discard, disregard, disrespect, devalue, - LUCKY YOU! But then I ask what is the point when he's not usually capable of a pure friendship with a female. I almost feel like I am unable to let go because its a crutch I have held on to. When we had an open relationship I dated other men - I got over them so quickly, and I set standards and walked away if I was treated in a wrong manner. Sometimes I was treated greatly but things did not click I was still able to walk away head held high. For some reason with him I can't I feel I have lost all dignity. I have even come to the point of believing him when he says that what happened in that room that day was my fault. Not sure why i can let go so easily of any guy but not this one when it brings me more tears than the rest put together. Only you know why his opinion or this relationship continues to be important to you. He certainly is some piece of work when it comes to what I think of as a man I would want or even just the term "MAN" in general. Certainly he is not much of one and has no respect for you or your feelings. What a frickin' schmuck. No wonder he finds local women who bail on him and do so in a not so nice manor! Look at the bolded statements above. Try to answer that question - what is keeping you holding on? The only thing a bad guy does REALLY WELL is keep a good one away.
norajane Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Now I am utterly confused and have no idea where to take this.Really? Because it seems pretty clear. The one time you met in person in 5 loooooooooooooooooong yeeeeeeeeeeeeears, security guards had to get involved. Seems to me you've got NOTHING worth having with this guy. I get it that you are the s in the bdsm relationship here, but s holds a lot of power in that it requires the s give power to the D willingly due to the trust that D will take care of s and both will have their needs met...that's the crux of the relationship. This guy has the D role ALL WRONG. Why are you passing up relationships with men you can actually be with in real life? Men who aren't so f*cked up as this guy?
Author girlsweetness Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Hi, Thank you for all of your thoughts. I have spoken to most of the girls who have left him as he wanted us to be friends and a lot of the reasons were very similar to feelings the feelings I feel. Every time they were quite mean to him but now I can see their reactions were for a reason. At the time the girls were all described in very biased ways before me meeting them. I am also certain he puts me down in front of these girls. I feel the way to move on fully is to let go. In having a relationship with him that was open when I dated others in real life it was different. I got to see their faces and hold them, and I was able to communicate with them regularly, and do activities with them that we enjoyed. Even if the relationship ended in a bad way it was okay because I had good memories, and sometimes I even had the courage to be the first to walk away - It felt great to have that courage and to be able to say "Sorry i won't take that see you later". I believe deep inside maybe its the bdsm that is eating me away as his interpretation is so that the submissive has no power. Furthermore I only really like a bit of it behind private doors I can live without it and have dated guys who are not into it at all and it was fine. Yesterday he went to see that girl and I had asked him if he would call me later and he said i act like his mom and he will f--cking see. I felt hurt by this. He left me a message late at night saying he loved me and i was the best despite him being a jerk to me and being so angry at times. But the message now feels meaningless to me because I can see nothing has changed, and I can't wait on the sidelines while he dates others and I have no future with a man. Usually I work best when i cut people cold turkey and thats harder with him. I am going to try and distance myself and somehow heal all of what is destroyed within me. I don't think I can be with anyone else without healing that part of me. As of right now I am afraid to be alone in a room with a man due to that security incident. I feel I am afraid to let go because I've held on for so long and its like we both stay in each other's lives. I do know I have some type of attachment issues because I either cut people out or keep them despite it being unhealthy there seems to be no middle ground.
Pulse_Tester Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Hey I can understand where you are coming from not that I have had a long term relationship for that long but when you have an open relationship and there are other girls involved if your not actually locked down in the relationship then you are just friends with benifits and maybe a little more. It's also harder when you travel the circle of BDSM. I love BDSM and I can say that it's a different lifestyle. However he shouldn't have gotten mad at you because you felt uncomfortable. In a sexual situation the female controls the pace. So should you walk away maybe not but you def need to have a talk and establish some rules on this relationship. My yahoo is deprivedofblood you can hit me up there if you want to talk. Thats just my thoughts. Laters..
ThisGuy85 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Just from a guys point of view, You've become the "Fall back" his relationship "Safety net". This is not a good place to be, as he is just using you. You can rest assure that if he ever finds a another girl that he likes, He WILL cut you out of his life. You said it yourself, when he's with someone he treats you like crap. That's because he takes you for granted, He knows you will be there waiting for him when the relationship ends. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, And you can do better. I know it's hard to let go of a person that you love, But you owe it to yourself to find someone who will love and respect you. Just my 2 cents.
Author girlsweetness Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Hi, Pulse Tester, I agree open relationships are not easy, and d/s relationships are so complex. Its hard to give so much trust when there is that element of hurt from the past and ongoing hurt that is occuring in my case. Guy85 you said it right - I am the safety net. He knows I have a hard time letting go of *him*. He also says he does not want me to see others despite him seeing others. When I do meet a guy he gets jealous and doesn't want to hear about it but when he meets a girl I hear all the details. At times I want to I guess its an insecurity thing. I am finding it hard to believe that 2 weeks after we met he is meeting someone else. Its odd timing to me. But when an opportunity happens he has to go towards that since its closer. I know the one girl he really fell for lived an hour away from him and when he was with her he treated me horribly. He called me once a week, would ignore my phone calls completely, tell me off regularly and blame not talking to me on my bad behavior. It was a horrible 2 years almost. We spoke tonight and he told me his meeting with the girl went as he thought - that he was not fond of her personality but would keep talking to her and see how things progress, but that he likes me and my personality and that he'd rather be with me and wants me. Although I am now questioning it all and I wish it would be easier. I wish I could just have the self respect I have when I am in real life relationships because in real life i would have not gone so far.
SarahRose Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Of course you should end it. He treats you like garbage and you keep coming back for more. Have you ever thought about counseling? Your self-esteem seems to be in the toilet.
Author girlsweetness Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 hi sarahrose, I have thought about it and probably need to take that step as this problem has been here too long. Its really brought me down. In real life I don't tolerate that behavior and I am confused as to why I have tolerated it from this particular person who is long distance. I think the d/s aspect has made me feel a lack of control, although there are healthy ways to do d/s I know what I have been involved with here is not healthy. I'm not exactly sure how to move on from this.
norajane Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 hi sarahrose, I have thought about it and probably need to take that step as this problem has been here too long. Its really brought me down. In real life I don't tolerate that behavior and I am confused as to why I have tolerated it from this particular person who is long distance. I think the d/s aspect has made me feel a lack of control, although there are healthy ways to do d/s I know what I have been involved with here is not healthy. I'm not exactly sure how to move on from this. No Contact. Basically, you cut him off completely. Delete his emails, phone numbers, etc. If he calls, do not answer. If he leaves a message, delete it without listening and do not reply. If he texts, delete it without reading and do not reply. If he emails, delete the email without reading it and do not reply. Just stop ALL contact completely. That will help you in ending his influence on you, and it will help you heal faster if you miss him. Every contact with him sends you back to square 1, so don't do it. This is your life, your health and well-being at stake. If you had cancer, you'd go to a doctor to cut it out of your body, so do the same thing and cut him out of your life so he can no longer have such a hold on it. 5 years is a very long time, and you never get time back. Don't waste any more of it on him.
Author girlsweetness Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I do believe you are right norajane. Since we have had an open relationship I have dated others in the process. Every time I felt that those guys were not the one for me I did the no contact thing and within months i wondered why i even wasted my time on them. I read that book its called breakup because its broken - it helped a lot. I tried no contact with this guy and it did help almost 2 weeks then I got involved again because he was dumped and he became a better person to me again. But now I see the patterns and I will just constantly feel sucked in then let go.
Author girlsweetness Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Moving on is the hardest part. I feel i'm stupid for letting it repeat itself over and over expecting something different. Anyways before we met in real life he would answer my calls, call me daily - that has all changed. He says due to the fact that once he meets a person he feels more comfortable but I have this feeling it is this other girl and I am just battling with insecurities within myself and afraid of the future.
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