Girlygirl1977 Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 He sounds like someone who loves the chase and the initial sparks, but can't handle things when they calm down into a RL. My suggestion is either to cut him off completely, or keep seeing him if you want, but KNOW IN YOUR HEART it won't ever go further than just dating. That's the key. Seen many commitment-phobic men and women who come clean with people early on, but too many times the people cling on and hope they can change their mind...then get pissed when it doesn't happen. If you stay seeing him, keep your options open for other men and DO NOT use him as some "bar" men have to surpass to get you away from him. Bear in mind if he's handsome, fun, wonderful, everything but he won't commit...then it means he's not what you want. You might meet someone not as handsome, but not ugly, fun, wonderful, and he wants a RL...but too many times I've seen people in your shoes (not you personally) reject that person because they think it's a "step down". You seem sensible anyway...so I know you won't set yourself up to get hurt. Thanks for your thoughts. Yes I think I would need to cut him off really. It's not an experience I have had before (where someone acts like he did with that intensity for 3 months and then tells me he has doubts). Usually you can tell something is wrong through signs. And so I would be scared of going through that again. I took a little bit of time to respond to his sexually-tinged last msg (a day which is the longest really ever between us), but I honestly wanted to think about it and sent the milder response. I would be ok as a genuine friend I guess now but that would mean we could also talk about who we are dating etc. I guess. And I agree I could not return to "seeing" him which I guess would be a very mild thing (i have not see him in over a week since the break now) unless I were dating other people. But that could just be messy too. I think he is handsome, fun, etc. but I think he has a nihilistic side which I saw and which make him less the optimist I initially thought he was. That was the side I saw at the end. I have don't retain a fiction in my head that I could change him either. I would not use him as my bar - he isn't the best guy i've dated anyway;) I feel i was making concessions when I dated him. lol. He is probably on the shorter end of guy's i've dated so i had to decide which shoes to wear so i wouldn't be taller than him etc. But he's attractive and successful etc. Thanks for your thoughts.
Author Isolde Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 I'm a man but I've been told something similar to this once and it didn't help me one bit. How did it sink in for you? I've never dumped anyone, I've always been the dumpee. If I ever get to the stage of dumping a girl then I know that I most definitely will be rejecting her and the reason being that I know enough about her to realise that she isn't good enough for me. I'm not criticising your advice if it comes across that way, I'm just curious to know how you actually came to genuinely believe what I quoted of you above as I'm very curious because, like I said, I once was told a very similar thing Thanks I think it's more a matter of realizing the fact that even IF someone is rejecting you because they don't find you "good enough," it's a very small incident in the bigger realm of things. If you're a frequent dumpee, then I agree, it does become more problematic... but I think the idea is to get to the point where you feel like it's their loss (even if they don't see it, because honestly, no two human beings are ever completely in understanding of one another... not even married couples!). There's also some truth to types. You could be the hottest person in the world and not elicit the right feelings in someone. You could be Angelina Jolie and not make someone want more than a few months' fling.
Recommended Posts