Is it possible to be a "normal" person and never be in a LTR EVER?

[RecordProducer]

I think we are all abnormal for being in long-term relationships. No normal person would put up with the that crap for too long.

[Isolde]

I think we are all abnormal for being in long-term relationships. No normal person would put up with the that crap for too long.

 

Maybe, but I'm not really concerned with the definition of normality. When I said normal in the title of the post, I really just meant non-crazy, relative to other people.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Maybe, but I'm not really concerned with the definition of normality. When I said normal in the title of the post, I really just meant non-crazy, relative to other people.

 

In that case, no it isn't normal, unless you're consciously not seeking one.

[Isolde]

I decided to resurrect this thread because I think it's interesting in light of the other thread about whether dating/relationship things happen for a "reason."

[39388]

Just wondering about the statistical possibility of going from about 20-40 with no long term (2 year+) relationships. I'm talking about people with no mental problems, no MAJOR hang-ups, just normal everyday people who do want relationships.

 

Do you know anybody like this, and if so, do you have any theories about why they're still single?

I am almost 35 and male and not only have I had no LTRs, I've had no dates and have never been kissed. It is debateable whether I'm "normal". Here are a few details about me.

 

Most people that I know say I am normal, but I don't feel normal. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are high quality people who often have many times as many friends as I do.

 

I have done very well with my education (back to school working on a doctorate in a "nerdy field") and am good with money. I also am confident when talking to people about something related to education or work. However, when the conversation turns to more causal topics, I often suddenly feel out of the loop. It should be no surprise that Monday is usually my favorite day of the week.

 

I had a horrible time between grades 8-12 and people told me I would never ever find a date or marry. It knocked my confience in finding a woman down to zero and really has never been much above zero in the many years since then.

 

The pressure to get that first date is immense and absolutely terrifying. Getting a date seems as hard as lifting a 10 million pound object. Most of the time I get into bad moods, the root of it is almost always that I am lonely or fixating on the fact that I have not had a date in now almost 35 years.

 

I feel I have so many deal breakers. Here are a few which I have seen many women post as absolute deal breakers. I am not physically strong enough, not good with handy work, not attractive enough, cry too much and no dating experience. I feel there are so many more also. I know I have many great qualities too, but am afraid there is always some deal breaker to ruin everything. I can also ramble a bit when I talk, as I feel I am doing now.

 

People have given me ideas on what to do "in theory" but never has anyone set me up or anything like that.

 

Anyway, I don't know if the above counts as normal.

[Star Gazer]

Haha...that would be me! 5 LTRs including my ex-marriage, a bunch of STRs and dating galore, although I started dating in my very, early teens. Maybe this is a big, red flag since at present, I'm relationship-averse.

 

I didn't mean to insult you, Trial...but you know that. But see, my point stands: someone who's had multiple LTRs and hasn't found a permanent commitment might be relationship/commitment averse, just like you. But weren't most of your LTRs prior to your marriage, anyway?

 

Isolde, not everyone is ready for an LTR at the same age. Some focus more on school/friends, some just aren't ready to be with someone in a committed relationship, preferring to date around, and others just are late bloomers. The less pressure you put on yourself to "succeed" at this task, the more likely it will happen naturally.

 

You're 22 years old with plenty of time to find the right guy to have an LTR with.

 

I totally agree.

 

Isolde - my BFF didn't lose her virginity until right before 21 (which was LATE by our social circle's "standards"), and didn't have her first real relationship until she was 23. She married him at 28. The one and only relationship she's ever had.

 

She found him when the timing was right...for both of them. Thing is, no matter how "normal" YOU might be, that doesn't mean that the people who rock your boat are going to be ready at the same time.

[Bells]

I will say that if you get into your upper twenties and thirties and you still have not had a serious relationship alot of people will question your commitment level.

 

There's also the possibility that some people just can't get a date or someone to go out with them either.

[D-Jam]

For the ones who go their whole life without ever getting laid, take that money you would spend on dating, buy a very hot escort, enjoy that moment, and then live your life for you. That or seek out some kind of a real-life "Hitch" who can coach you and get you on track. I think anyone who's had years of trouble and yet is constantly trying to get dates should think about this, unless he/she is perfectly happy alone and will take things as they come.

 

I think when it becomes many years of trying and failing, then it's time to get some kind of help. Lord knows if I had never scored even a date in the 6 years I was single, I would have sought help in some way, shape, or form.

 

 

 

I don't know what else to tell you all, but when it comes to commitment-phobia, men and women need to STOP trying to change someone who won't commit into someone who will. Stop bitching that all the people you meet won't commit. Stop giving the anti-commitment people tirades of how "childish" they supposedly are because you happen to think they would be the perfect mates for you if they would commit.

 

I think for every man or woman who seemingly keeps meeting those who won't commit (but will date you and/or have sex with you)...

 

1. Step back and look at things from the outside.
   
2. Gather up all the people who would commit into a real relationship or marriage.
   
3. Separate out of that all those who would find you appealing.
   
4. Date only those people...IMMEDIATELY DROP anyone who shows you commitment-phobia.
   

Yeah, this sounds easy on paper, but I still believe if for every person who gets mad because he/she won't commit would just quickly DUMP that person, loads of time and energy won't be wasted then on the wrong people.

 

I don't see anything wrong with someone who never wants a RL provided he/she is HONEST with everyone about it. The liars make worse for everyone, but I've seen way more people who get the truth, never accept it, and yet then have the audacity to complain about these people as if they are immature children, when they should have walked away from them to begin with.

 

Seems like there's LOADS of people out there who want to commit to RLs, but they unfortunately don't come packaged as Adriana Lima or David Beckham. They aren't all college educated with high-power careers. I see so many good people get with bad people all the time...but rarely two good people get together.

 

Ridiculous.

[Girlygirl1977]

For the ones who go their whole life without ever getting laid, take that money you would spend on dating, buy a very hot escort, enjoy that moment, and then live your life for you. That or seek out some kind of a real-life "Hitch" who can coach you and get you on track. I think anyone who's had years of trouble and yet is constantly trying to get dates should think about this, unless he/she is perfectly happy alone and will take things as they come.

 

I think when it becomes many years of trying and failing, then it's time to get some kind of help. Lord knows if I had never scored even a date in the 6 years I was single, I would have sought help in some way, shape, or form.

 

 

 

I don't know what else to tell you all, but when it comes to commitment-phobia, men and women need to STOP trying to change someone who won't commit into someone who will. Stop bitching that all the people you meet won't commit. Stop giving the anti-commitment people tirades of how "childish" they supposedly are because you happen to think they would be the perfect mates for you if they would commit.

 

I think for every man or woman who seemingly keeps meeting those who won't commit (but will date you and/or have sex with you)...

 

1. Step back and look at things from the outside.
   
2. Gather up all the people who would commit into a real relationship or marriage.
   
3. Separate out of that all those who would find you appealing.
   
4. Date only those people...IMMEDIATELY DROP anyone who shows you commitment-phobia.
   

Yeah, this sounds easy on paper, but I still believe if for every person who gets mad because he/she won't commit would just quickly DUMP that person, loads of time and energy won't be wasted then on the wrong people.

 

I don't see anything wrong with someone who never wants a RL provided he/she is HONEST with everyone about it. The liars make worse for everyone, but I've seen way more people who get the truth, never accept it, and yet then have the audacity to complain about these people as if they are immature children, when they should have walked away from them to begin with.

 

Seems like there's LOADS of people out there who want to commit to RLs, but they unfortunately don't come packaged as Adriana Lima or David Beckham. They aren't all college educated with high-power careers. I see so many good people get with bad people all the time...but rarely two good people get together.

 

Ridiculous.

 

Nice post. I just dated a guy who was very attentive, gave me gifts, always sent me msgs he was thinking about me, initiated seeing me 3x a week, paid for every date, we waited till about 1 month to have sex etc.

 

After 3 months of all this great behavior and an expensive xmas present from him, spending New Year's eve and most of New Year's Day together, he tells me about his doubts and maybe it is him. I also learn about his comittment (or lack of history) with previous mates in more detail. He is telling me this so I can decide to I guess reduce his obligations. Of course to me it's time to quit. So I"ll try to stay strong. We have been in touch but only through texts and your msgs reinforces the point that I should really run. Thanks!

[You'reasian]

Nice post. I just dated a guy who was very attentive, gave me gifts, always sent me msgs he was thinking about me, initiated seeing me 3x a week, paid for every date, we waited till about 1 month to have sex etc.

 

That's great that the two of you could see each other that frequently.

[Girlygirl1977]

That's great that the two of you could see each other that frequently.

 

Well that's what made the disclosure to me that he was having doubts about me so shocking. There was no withdrawal from him as far as behavior/talking; he had given me an xmas card saying he was looking forward to having many great times together of all kinds in 2009; we still had intense sex even the night before. . .

 

But he's 40 and never married. I'm 31 and I guess something came up inside him and he decided to tell me he has doubts and that perhaps he knows himself better now but if i had met him a few years ago he may have not gotten to this point for 2 years. His track record: previous relationship ended 2 years ago and was with a friend he knew for 12 years and dated for 2 (i asked why it ended and he said no good reason, followed by she had less energy than him) and then previous to that was 4 years ago and woman suggested 1.5 years into it he go to couples therapy b/c he couldn't commit; he tried for 4 months.

 

Anyway - he acted like the way an interested guy would, esp. given the time we spent together (plays, concerts, eating out etc.). I just wonder you can't do all that if you dont want to right? Or how do you see it?

 

Unfortunately, I wad def surprised by the whole thing - didn't see it coming.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Isolde, throw out that word normal. Just throw it in the garbage can.

 

Everyone is on their own life path, and it is not fair to compare people's dating histories and state that one is normal and one is not.

 

I had a 4 year relationship when I was in my early 20's. It ended when I was 25. I have not had anything last longer than 8 months since then. Does this make me abnormal? Well if it does than a lot of women around here must be abnormal. Many, many women find DC to be a very tough place to find men who want relationships. If I had stayed in the midwestern town that I grew up in, I would most likely be married by this point. But I didn't want to stay there, and I have no regrets. I love my life here, even with the dating difficulties.

 

My very good friend is 39 and has been dating her bf for about a year and a half now. He was her first boyfriend- at age 37. Is she abnormal? I think she's a pretty awesome chick, and the current guy is a really good match for her. Worth waiting for.

[Isolde]

Isolde, throw out that word normal. Just throw it in the garbage can.

 

Everyone is on their own life path, and it is not fair to compare people's dating histories and state that one is normal and one is not.

 

I had a 4 year relationship when I was in my early 20's. It ended when I was 25. I have not had anything last longer than 8 months since then. Does this make me abnormal? Well if it does than a lot of women around here must be abnormal. Many, many women find DC to be a very tough place to find men who want relationships. If I had stayed in the midwestern town that I grew up in, I would most likely be married by this point. But I didn't want to stay there, and I have no regrets. I love my life here, even with the dating difficulties.

 

My very good friend is 39 and has been dating her bf for about a year and a half now. He was her first boyfriend- at age 37. Is she abnormal? I think she's a pretty awesome chick, and the current guy is a really good match for her. Worth waiting for.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that, but glad you don't have regrets.

Do you think it comes down, in fact, to a choice of location? Most of my friends in big cities are single for long periods of time, so there may be some truth to that.

 

Things have definitely changed since my mom was young.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks Isolde, but there is nothing to be sorry about. I travel frequently to exotic places, I have a ton of friends and a very active social life, and I make good money at my job. I've always had a lot of men in my life, just no LTR's (except the one). I am currently dating someone who seems to really like me and also seems like he's ready for a real relationship. To be honest, I feel like I will probably live to be very old so I'm glad I've had the experiences I've had. If I married at 40 and lived until 80, that would still be 40 years of marriage!

 

Yes, I definitely think place has something to do with it. DC and NY are tough places for women to find relationships.

[Isolde]

Thanks Isolde, but there is nothing to be sorry about. I travel frequently to exotic places, I have a ton of friends and a very active social life, and I make good money at my job. I've always had a lot of men in my life, just no LTR's (except the one). I am currently dating someone who seems to really like me and also seems like he's ready for a real relationship. To be honest, I feel like I will probably live to be very old so I'm glad I've had the experiences I've had. If I married at 40 and lived until 80, that would still be 40 years of marriage!

 

Yes, I definitely think place has something to do with it. DC and NY are tough places for women to find relationships.

 

My question is, how do you learn not to take rejection personally?

ie, a situation where a guy seems into you, you have sex, and then you don't hear from them again.

 

I feel like you're really good at keeping that in perspective, you know?

[Girlygirl1977]

Thanks Isolde, but there is nothing to be sorry about. I travel frequently to exotic places, I have a ton of friends and a very active social life, and I make good money at my job. I've always had a lot of men in my life, just no LTR's (except the one). I am currently dating someone who seems to really like me and also seems like he's ready for a real relationship. To be honest, I feel like I will probably live to be very old so I'm glad I've had the experiences I've had. If I married at 40 and lived until 80, that would still be 40 years of marriage!

 

Yes, I definitely think place has something to do with it. DC and NY are tough places for women to find relationships.

 

I live in NY and I do agree it is hard to meet people. How did you meet your guy btw? I am a bit shell shocked b/c of a situation I just ended up in. As far as your current situation, why do you feel it is going very well and how do you know he is ready for a real relationships? How long has it been?

[confused_2008]

I'm just trying to understand how it's hard to meet people in a big city like New York. I would think you would have a lot more options than in small towns like where I grew up. Is it the busy lifestyle or what?

[Isolde]

I'm just trying to understand how it's hard to meet people in a big city like New York. I would think you would have a lot more options than in small towns like where I grew up. Is it the busy lifestyle or what?

 

I think people in DC, NYC, and possibly other big cities are more self centered and focussed on careers--the hectic lifestyle seems to go along with a short attention span.

[Girlygirl1977]

I'm just trying to understand how it's hard to meet people in a big city like New York. I would think you would have a lot more options than in small towns like where I grew up. Is it the busy lifestyle or what?

 

I don't think it is fair to say it is difficult to meet people but maybe people who are relationship minded. You can but you are not as likely to meet them in a grocery store etc. It will likely be through repeated activities - like work, a club, group, friends of friends.

 

I def meet guys - but many are not serious.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

My question is, how do you learn not to take rejection personally?

ie, a situation where a guy seems into you, you have sex, and then you don't hear from them again.

 

I feel like you're really good at keeping that in perspective, you know?

 

Yeah, I've really grown a lot over the years and I do not take rejection as personally as I used to. When I was younger I attached a lot more of my identity to the people I dated. Therefore, when they rejected me, my ego was much more damaged. You ask a very good question, and it is somewhat difficult to answer. I think a lot of it was having close male friends who helped me to shift my perspective. I had one friend in particular who I would confide in and he helped me a lot. The ultimate goal is to detach the rejection from your identity. The rejection has everything to do with the person doing the rejecting. It is their head space, not yours. Be sad about lost opportunities, but do not use that rejection to change how you feel about yourself.

 

I do get very and emotional when rejected, but I bounce back relatively quickly.

 

I hope this helps. If I can think of anything else I will post it here or PM you.

[Isolde]

Yeah, I've really grown a lot over the years and I do not take rejection as personally as I used to. When I was younger I attached a lot more of my identity to the people I dated. Therefore, when they rejected me, my ego was much more damaged. You ask a very good question, and it is somewhat difficult to answer. I think a lot of it was having close male friends who helped me to shift my perspective. I had one friend in particular who I would confide in and he helped me a lot. The ultimate goal is to detach the rejection from your identity. The rejection has everything to do with the person doing the rejecting. It is their head space, not yours. Be sad about lost opportunities, but do not use that rejection to change how you feel about yourself.

 

I do get very and emotional when rejected, but I bounce back relatively quickly.

 

I hope this helps. If I can think of anything else I will post it here or PM you.

 

Oh, please do. This is probably my biggest mental barrier to getting out there and dating...

 

Also, what did that male friend say? I'd really like to know...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I don't think it is fair to say it is difficult to meet people but maybe people who are relationship minded.

 

I def meet guys - but many are not serious.

 

Yep and yep.

 

I met my current guy through work. He asked me out sort of out of the blue. It was a Monday, and I had just had a really crappy weekend. I was stressed out and sad thinking I would never meet anyone. I was really thrown for a loop when he asked me out.

 

I think he is ready for a R, but I think time will tell. He is in Hong Kong right now so I haven't seen him for a while. I am meeting him this weekend in LA.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Oh, please do. This is probably my biggest mental barrier to getting out there and dating...

 

Also, what did that male friend say? I'd really like to know...

 

 

It wasn't one particular thing, it was more like the totality of what he said. He just made me look at things with a different perspective. For example, let's say I went out a few times with a guy and I thought things were going really well. Then boom, nothing. I would feel really horrible-like wow, maybe I'm not that much fun or interesting. Then my friend would say, Cherry, how long have you known this guy? A month? Two? How many dates? 4? 6? Let's say 3 hours each? Then you've spent 18-20 hours with this man. How long have you been on the planet? 30 years? How can this guy possibly know you? He doesn't. He barely scratched the surface. He didn't reject you because he didn't even know you.

[lino]

Cherry, how long have you known this guy? A month? Two? How many dates? 4? 6? Let's say 3 hours each? Then you've spent 18-20 hours with this man. How long have you been on the planet? 30 years? How can this guy possibly know you? He doesn't. He barely scratched the surface. He didn't reject you because he didn't even know you.

 

I'm a man but I've been told something similar to this once and it didn't help me one bit. How did it sink in for you?

 

I've never dumped anyone, I've always been the dumpee. If I ever get to the stage of dumping a girl then I know that I most definitely will be rejecting her and the reason being that I know enough about her to realise that she isn't good enough for me.

 

I'm not criticising your advice if it comes across that way, I'm just curious to know how you actually came to genuinely believe what I quoted of you above as I'm very curious because, like I said, I once was told a very similar thing

 

Thanks

[D-Jam]

We have been in touch but only through texts and your msgs reinforces the point that I should really run. Thanks!

He sounds like someone who loves the chase and the initial sparks, but can't handle things when they calm down into a RL.

 

My suggestion is either to cut him off completely, or keep seeing him if you want, but KNOW IN YOUR HEART it won't ever go further than just dating. That's the key. Seen many commitment-phobic men and women who come clean with people early on, but too many times the people cling on and hope they can change their mind...then get pissed when it doesn't happen.

 

If you stay seeing him, keep your options open for other men and DO NOT use him as some "bar" men have to surpass to get you away from him. Bear in mind if he's handsome, fun, wonderful, everything but he won't commit...then it means he's not what you want. You might meet someone not as handsome, but not ugly, fun, wonderful, and he wants a RL...but too many times I've seen people in your shoes (not you personally) reject that person because they think it's a "step down".

 

You seem sensible anyway...so I know you won't set yourself up to get hurt.