Fun2BMe Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I have known a man for 10 years off and on. Whenever things weren't going well with my main long term bf, we would be together, which sometimes was for big chunks of time and it was like we were a couple. In recent times my long term relationship permanently ended, so I got back together with the long term ex. There was never more than a few months in a row over the last 10+ years that we were not in contact with each other. If I was seeing my BF, he totally understood and because he loved me, was patient and we'd still see each other but not be physical to respect my wishes. So when my relationship ended for good, I started seeing him with the possibility of a future together, things just seemed to fit really well and he seemed to have always been the one who loved me. I went to his house for his b-day - took a cake, bottle of champagne and present to celebrate, but before the party began he said he had something to tell me - that he had a little baby boy who will be turning 2 that he wants me to meet! Needless to say, I was shocked, heartbroken and angry how he could keep something so big a secret. It was a huge blow and very hurtful. I was speachless and left his house. He kept calling and emailing saying he was worried about me and how I was taking it, but that his therapist thought he should tell me! (does that mean he otherwise would still kept it secret?) He also was afraid I'd read about it online since he is a kind of a public figure. I finally gave in have slowly started to respond to his emails, but now he wants to see me again. Should I give him a chance or walk away? I never thought I'd have anything to do with him again, but now that a few months have passed and he seems to really care, I wonder if it will be a mistake to walk away.
prettybaby Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 A baby would be a dealbreaker for me. Not sure if it is for you. The fact that he failed to mention such an important little detail to you during the past 2 years is very upsetting. I don't think I could ever forgive that. I mean, a guy who can hide something so huge, he could basically hide anything else and you wouldn't have a clue either. The trust level would be down to zero as far as I'm concerned. And yes, I'd break up for good.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I guess I just need to hear it from others. I calculated when the mother would've been pregnant and during that time at least part of it we were back together so it is frightening how someone let alone a SO could keep something so big a secret. He has an adult daughter and is rather older, so it is really unexpected and shocking to say the least.
kashmir Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I don't get it. Is this guy your friend or your boyfriend? If he's your boyfriend I can understand being upset, but why does he need to inform you on his dating/sexual life if you two are just close friends?
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I don't get it. Is this guy your friend or your boyfriend? If he's your boyfriend I can understand being upset, but why does he need to inform you on his dating/sexual life if you two are just close friends? We were dating during the periods my relationship was not going well with my regular bf, and now that the regular bf's relationship permanently ended, we started dating again, but this time it was to be long-term with a future. Even if we were just friends I'd feel funny about someone keeping such a big part of their life a secret, but during the woman's pregnancy we were dating, I don't know if during her conception or not but let's say not during her conception so it wasn't cheating, and after the baby was born we were still friends and sometimes on dating terms.
kashmir Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Personally I don't see what the big deal is. He stuck around while you were exclusive with your boyfriend or at the most while you were just doing casual stuff with him, so you can't complain about him seeing other people. You were devoted to your boyfriend, so he understandably looked elsewhere while he maintained a close relationship with you. While I don't understand his reason for not telling (since it seems like the logical thing to do, avoiding all of this), he wasn't obligated to tell you about his kid with another woman as soon as it happened. To me it sounds like you wanted him to be all your's over the past 10 years. You wanted him to be the back-up plan when things weren't going right with your boyfriend. That's fine, but you couldn't have expected him to put you as his #1 priority and be exclusive only to you, could you?
You'reasian Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I guess I just need to hear it from others. I calculated when the mother would've been pregnant and during that time at least part of it we were back together so it is frightening how someone let alone a SO could keep something so big a secret. He has an adult daughter and is rather older, so it is really unexpected and shocking to say the least. That sucks. Did you ever confront him about this? I'd imagine if he cares about you, he'd fess up, have birth records and such as proof.
anne1707 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Whilst I can understand that it hurts finding out he has a child, I do not think you can complain about him not telling you sooner. Up until now, he was just "filling in the gaps" when things were not good with your boyfriend - a relationship of convenience if anything. If you really love this man then you can find the strength to deal with this.
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 His past belongs to him.. like yours belong to you.. He had no permission to ask you.. as you were only friends or bf when your regular wasn't around.. If I was seeing my BF, he totally understood and because he loved me, was patient and we'd still see each other but not be physical to respect my wishes. Patient he was.. for sure.. do you expect people to just 'freeze' while you're 'living' your life.. Ask your therapist what you should do...
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 About two years ago I was dating someone who seemed really hesitant to get involved with me. I can't explain it, but he walked around like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I sensed that I would be a burden to him. Things obviously didn't progress romantically, but we did remain friends. Recently he contacted me for legal advice, despite the fact I know nothing about the area of law he inquired about: custody and support. I was confused why he needed such advice. Well, apparently when we had just start dating, he had recently gotten a girl pregnant. Even though we were just friends, I cannot understand why he'd hide his own child from me.
Yamaha Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 What is his relationship with the mother of his child?
portcitykitty Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I'm in a similar predicament myself. I've been with my bf for almost a year come January, and I've known him for longer. A few months into our relationship, I found out he had been married before when he was 20/21 (he's now 33), and his wife died 7 months into their marriage. He didn't say how she died, I didn't ask, didn't want to seem nosey. The way I found that out was I asked him how many women he'd been involved with...I don't think he would ever volunteer the info if I hadn't asked. I felt so bad for him, though, just knowing he had been through something like that. One day I was bored, and I googled his name just for kicks, and I came across his wife's obituary. He told me the gospel truth, but he failed to mention one thing...it said, "surviving are her husband, so-and-so, and their infant daughter, so-and-so". I was shocked! He hasn't told me about the daughter, and I don't know how to ask him without appearing like I've been stalking him. Yeah, it's kinda busted that he hasn't told me about her after all this time, but I also understand that I don't know his situation and what all happened exactly, and I'm not going to judge him on that. He was young when she was born, and with the combo of that and the wife dying, he could've freaked out and said he couldn't handle raising a child on his own. He could've been loaded with shame, guilt, fear, confusion, who knows. He could be afraid to tell me, for all I know, fearing that I'll think bad of him or leave him, which I would never do. He apparently doesn't have custody of her, though. I think she lives back home with the wife's parents, or maybe somebody adopted her. I've also found pics of her online from their local paper, and she's cute...I can see some of him in her. I don't know what his relationship with her is like, like if he keeps in contact with her or what, or if he sees her when he visits home (several states away). It is a sticky situation, though. I do feel bad for him, and I don't love him any less. I'm not going to accuse him of being a bad father, nor will I accuse him of being a bad bf. I'm a very patient and understanding person, and maybe I'll find out the real scoop some day, hopefully soon! Now, if I found out he screwed around with some woman and had a child while we were together and I found out, I'd be upset then!!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I don't think he owes you any kind of explanation whatsoever. He was your consolation prize - you used him when you were without a "real" boyfriend. He was patient enough to stick around. I could understand if you two had been exclusive when this happened, but you said you were just "dating." That doesn't sound exclusive to me. And if you didn't clearly define the terms (especially since it looks like he was so easily disposable to you when a "real" boyfriend came along) of what "dating" meant to you, then there's no reason to be upset. I have no idea why women expect men to read their minds and then get upset when they get it wrong (and I'm a woman!). I give the guy kudos for being in his kid's life. There are far too many men these days that are willing to be deadbeats to make their own life easy.
SushiX Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Why don't you go back to your ex. I mean you've been jumping around anyways. It doesn't seem to bother him or you. So why not.
MN randomguy Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Man, He was your standby for 10 years!!?? You didn't have the decency to let him go!!?? He is as everyone else agrees, untrustworthy. You're no peach either. If he loves you and you keep breaking his heart every time you go back to your "regular" boyfriend that's not cool. He may say he he's understanding, he's not. That would be unreasonable. You need to be single for a year or so. Maybe after some reflection you two can agree that you've not been the best to each other and get a fresh start. Or, maybe you each find someone else instead, that would be OK too. Hopefully he's happy with someone else by the next time you and your "real boyfriend" are "done for good".
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 And as far as your comment about him keeping it a secret if his therapist hadn't told him to tell you...I don't get that impression at all. If he talked to his therapist about it, clearly he was concerned about how you'd be affected by it - sounds to me like he was considering your feelings.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Even though we were just friends, I cannot understand why he'd hide his own child from me. Exactly. I just find it bizaare and scary if there are other secrets or if there will be.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 What is his relationship with the mother of his child? The mother of the first (now adult - she just started college) they got divorced when she was young and they had shared custody (we would both be mistaken for his children whenever he took us out lol). This new woman, I know they don't live together but I don't know what their situation is. He said that it was unplanned, that that's how these things happen and that he's grown to love the baby and thought I would too, but that was the only time we talked about it, after which I got mad and walked out. He has been sending emails and leaving messages now and then which I had been ignoring, but I responded to his emails this afternoon and he wants us to talk.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I'm in a similar predicament myself. I've been with my bf for almost a year come January, and I've known him for longer. A few months into our relationship, I found out he had been married before when he was 20/21 (he's now 33), and his wife died 7 months into their marriage. He didn't say how she died, I didn't ask, didn't want to seem nosey. The way I found that out was I asked him how many women he'd been involved with...I don't think he would ever volunteer the info if I hadn't asked. I felt so bad for him, though, just knowing he had been through something like that. One day I was bored, and I googled his name just for kicks, and I came across his wife's obituary. He told me the gospel truth, but he failed to mention one thing...it said, "surviving are her husband, so-and-so, and their infant daughter, so-and-so". I was shocked! He hasn't told me about the daughter, and I don't know how to ask him without appearing like I've been stalking him. Yeah, it's kinda busted that he hasn't told me about her after all this time, but I also understand that I don't know his situation and what all happened exactly, and I'm not going to judge him on that. He was young when she was born, and with the combo of that and the wife dying, he could've freaked out and said he couldn't handle raising a child on his own. He could've been loaded with shame, guilt, fear, confusion, who knows. He could be afraid to tell me, for all I know, fearing that I'll think bad of him or leave him, which I would never do. He apparently doesn't have custody of her, though. I think she lives back home with the wife's parents, or maybe somebody adopted her. I've also found pics of her online from their local paper, and she's cute...I can see some of him in her. I don't know what his relationship with her is like, like if he keeps in contact with her or what, or if he sees her when he visits home (several states away). It is a sticky situation, though. I do feel bad for him, and I don't love him any less. I'm not going to accuse him of being a bad father, nor will I accuse him of being a bad bf. I'm a very patient and understanding person, and maybe I'll find out the real scoop some day, hopefully soon! Now, if I found out he screwed around with some woman and had a child while we were together and I found out, I'd be upset then!!! Wow, see, that kind of thing I don't get. You're in a similar situation as me for sure, but I don't understand how you can be so patient about finding out more. I mean what if he's a dead-beat dad who refuses to pay child support and hasn't seen his own daughter? It's not like he's still 10 years old! YOu have listed SO so many excuses to justify everything!! Maybe you can contact the girl and not mention you know her dad to get some info. What if she's told her dad is also dead and that she's been adopted or something crazy??? That's really wrong.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I don't think he owes you any kind of explanation whatsoever. He was your consolation prize - you used him when you were without a "real" boyfriend. He was patient enough to stick around. I could understand if you two had been exclusive when this happened, but you said you were just "dating." That doesn't sound exclusive to me. And if you didn't clearly define the terms (especially since it looks like he was so easily disposable to you when a "real" boyfriend came along) of what "dating" meant to you, then there's no reason to be upset. I have no idea why women expect men to read their minds and then get upset when they get it wrong (and I'm a woman!). I give the guy kudos for being in his kid's life. There are far too many men these days that are willing to be deadbeats to make their own life easy. But like I said in an earlier post - even if we were not involved romantically in any way - we were very close. I had met his friends, stayed at his house for long periods of time, done so much together. Why keep something like having a baby a secret???????? I just don't get it! Is it that normal?
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 And as far as your comment about him keeping it a secret if his therapist hadn't told him to tell you...I don't get that impression at all. If he talked to his therapist about it, clearly he was concerned about how you'd be affected by it - sounds to me like he was considering your feelings. Ok thanks. That at least makes me feel better. It seems like he did this to get revenge and hurt me.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 But like I said in an earlier post - even if we were not involved romantically in any way - we were very close. I had met his friends, stayed at his house for long periods of time, done so much together. Why keep something like having a baby a secret???????? I just don't get it! Is it that normal? Well, people can be pretty protective of their children. He may have wondered if you had staying power before considering whether he wanted you to be involved in his child's life. If you were just going to be a part-time lover to eventually fade off into the horizon with another guy...why tell you? I think the fact that he has told you now tells me that he's pretty serious. It's also possible that he's still dealing with his feelings about having a child - that's a pretty big job. People deal with major life changes in different ways. But anyway - I think it's worth it to take a look at how important he is to you and if him having a child is a deal-breaker (past secret or not). Have you tried asking him (minus the anger) why he kept it secret. Being totally calm and willing to listen to what he has to say may make it easier for him to explain why. Then you can decide if his reason has validity or not.
Lizzie60 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 But like I said in an earlier post - even if we were not involved romantically in any way - we were very close. I had met his friends, stayed at his house for long periods of time, done so much together. Why keep something like having a baby a secret???????? I just don't get it! Is it that normal? And why not? Is\was he under some kind of obligation to divulge all his personal life to you? geezzz
Walk Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Fun, I've been following your life on LS for several years now. You've had so many horrible situations in your life that you have reacted to by withholding the truth, flat out lying, and/or decieving the people you said you loved. I would think you, out of all people in the world, could understand when someone else withholds something from you. It's not your child. You had no right to know. Just as whoever the previous guy was didn't know that you (thought) were pregnant and decided not to tell him or the guy you cheated on him with. You even seriously contemplated passing off the kid as your bf's knowing it wasn't his, if you recall. Even when your actions directly affect the person you are with.. i.e. cheating on a bf and getting pregnant with another man's child. You still wouldn't tell the people you loved about your actions. Yet you're hurt that your bf didn't tell you about something that does NOT directly affect you. You are not the child's mother, and never will be. He did not owe you the truth on this matter. So, Fun... you can play the victim in this game, or you can accept that the guy didn't feel it was any of your business to know he had a kid. Personally, you had no right to know. It is still none of your business. It's his child. If he chose to tell you about the kid, then you could attempt to see it as a good sign that he does believe your relationship can work, or you can piss it away by sulking and acting like a spoiled brat. Up to you.
You'reasian Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Fun, I've been following your life on LS for several years now. You've had so many horrible situations in your life that you have reacted to by withholding the truth, flat out lying, and/or decieving the people you said you loved. I would think you, out of all people in the world, could understand when someone else withholds something from you. And in her frame of reference, maybe the guy seemed hot one minute and cold the next, when he found out said information or frustrated after trying to discuss, her denying, getting it spun around etc.
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