trying to work out where my head is at

[Peter_pan]

all i know is my head thinks about her and things that have happened since the break up over and over again and it wont drop it.

 

yeah sure sometimes im with my mates or on my own and i dont think about her at all and then suddenly realize i havnt been thinking of her and then it starts.

 

I know she was cruel to me during and after the break up, so she could be with "him". and she lied and cheated emotionally and who knows she might have cheated on me. i know we where "on a break" but still fwb, but she emotionally took herself out the game and moved on.

 

I want to move on, but the only way thats going to happen, is if i meet someone nicer or whatever.

 

basically when she wasnt with him, around june time, she got in contact with a friend of mine, asked him for my number and asked him if i was moving back up there or not.

 

i was happy about the news because it meant it didnt work out for them and that made me feel really really good.

 

so i thought id leave the ball in her court to contact me at least, because it was me that last txted her. that didnt happen and a month later they get back together and still are...

 

so it does make me think i missed some kind of chance to talk to her.

 

although she didnt even send a happy bday txt a month after that... that would have been our anniversary date.

 

and when I think about this it seems like she was doing this to check up on me and maybe wanted to get back with me? or have some kind of interaction.

 

anyway, more time has passed and she has posted comments on my sisters fb page. and talks to her on bebo like i never existed. and no im not intentionally looking on her page. i couldnt, i would die.

 

she had just put some comments on my sisters fb and a friend told me she had been talking to my sis on bebo like she never met me.

 

 

 

anyway i am at my worst point now i feel because i am now at the point i thought would happen but hoped it wouldnt. and thats, i havnt found anyone else, i still think about her, and she is still with him, and she hasnt spoke to me for almost a year.... so im pretty screwed tbh. and yeah i have loads of good memories which i am keeping alive and ive been told "she isnt who she used to be" so you cant ever get that person back.

 

and its so annoying because its like i meant jack to her.. how could she just blank me and just move on being with him right away. i mean wtf. i hate how she handled it all and just said the **** she did..

 

its so painful. all i know is i couldnt trust her again if we did end up talking and getting closer. but again that cant physically happen since she lives 600miles away.... and that in itself really iiritates me.

 

i wish i could just forget it all lol but i cant let myself. its so ****ing annoying. i am angry at writing this and trying to think of things i havnt said or thought before. there is no answer. there never will be. i hate how it turned out like this, i feel cheated and left for dead, while she does what ever the hell she wants.

 

and she can just chat away with my sister or meet my best mate for a coffee when she is down here visiting, and ask him all sorts of ****.

 

i hate that i want her back in my life as my gf as things are different now, i have changed into a better person. but she has been tarnished and led a different life. trust would always be shot to ****. she has been with this nob for well over 8 months. i dont like that she has done that to me.

 

i dont like how she avoided confrontation and told me in an email, and has avoided contact ever since apart from my phone call where i excused her for doing what she did. i said, its you just living your new life.

 

i know that dosnt matter because she would have come up with some bs anyway. and nothing would have changed her mind.

 

 

i just feel that when she wasnt with him, she had time to think about what she did, contacted my friend, asked him how i was and what i was up to (who knows whether to be back with me, i doubt it) and then goes back out with him and is still with him. i cant believe it, as the main reason we broke up was because we wanted to be independant of each other and experience life more. so how does she go and do that? by getting into another longterm serious relationship....

 

the whole thing pisses me off.

[northstar1]

basically when she wasnt with him, around june time, she got in contact with a friend of mine, asked him for my number and asked him if i was moving back up there or not.

 

i was happy about the news because it meant it didnt work out for them and that made me feel really really good.

 

so i thought id leave the ball in her court to contact me at least, because it was me that last txted her. that didnt happen and a month later they get back together and still are...

 

so it does make me think i missed some kind of chance to talk to her.

 

Yes, she could have gotten in touch with you 5 months ago, but she didn't. She either wasn't ready, or decided not to.

 

You need to stop beating yourelf up about it man, honestly.

 

You can't change the past, you can only live in the present, and the present doesn't include her.

[foxh1234]

You have to stop the self pity crap and get yourself together or you will continue to wallow and feel sorry for yourself forever. Listen very carefully PP, she has not done all this to you, you have done it to yourself by not moving on. She left you, but that's where it ends for her. She is doing whatever with whoever and living her life. You are continuing to live in the past and live in the land of what if I had done this, or what if I had done that, what if she said this, crap. You are causing your own pain and no one can stop it except you.

 

Stop this self pity Pete and don't waste another minute on this girl. She is long gone and probably not coming back. I am sorry for your pain but you are bringing it on yourself man. I hate to see you stay in this unhealthy place. My ex did the same crap to me and slowly I am getting over it, but not before looking myself in the mirror one day and saying enough of this crap. Get back to living Pete, life's short bro.

[msjules]

I am SO SICK of these stupid Radio Shack ads. GRRRRRR

 

Okay, here's what I have been doing to get past the memories of my former boyfriend. At night when I am trying to go to sleep, I picture him at the times when I loved him most. For instance, one day I went out and watched him play a round of golf with his friends. I remember looking at him on the green and thinking that he was the most wonderful person in the world. So last night I pictured him back there on the green...........then I came into that mental picture and shoved him right out of it! I had to shove him hard, too, the fat ass.

 

It has been helping me a lot and it helps with the anger, too. Just thought I'd share.

[replicator]

Leave her in the past Peter.

 

I know it's hard - I'm there with you, but believe it or not, it's in your hands like Fox said.

 

Whatever she does - don't let it concern you anymore. You owe it to yourself to now focus on your life, and make it what you want it to be. Don't compare yourself to where she is, or what she is doing. Whether she is doing well or not, doesn't have to affect how you are doing. It really doesn't matter anymore.

 

Better things await you and I Hang in there.

[Peter_pan]

yeah all true i know but its just so so hard.

 

if i can only change the present would being in contact with her as a friend work?

 

its horrible not ever hearing from your first true love just because they went off with some over guy and it makes it to difficult to talk or stay as friends

[roghornio]

 

if i can only change the present would being in contact with her as a friend work?

 

No.

My mate told me the other day he is getting married to his girl... i'm well happy for him. Could you handle hearing a thing like that from your "friend"?

I've done the friends thing with exes to many times, and i'll tell you it does not work. The only reason you want to b friends is to keep that little crack in the door open.

[northstar1]

yeah all true i know but its just so so hard.

 

if i can only change the present would being in contact with her as a friend work?

 

its horrible not ever hearing from your first true love just because they went off with some over guy and it makes it to difficult to talk or stay as friends

 

 

As Rog said, you can't be friends with an ex, at least not until you have shelved all your feelings for her.

 

Friends share details of their lives, what they are up to, how their dating lives are going. When ex's try to become friends, one or or both censor their life details, to either protect the other person , or because they no longer feel comfortable sharing those details.

 

And even if they do share, do you really want to hear how happy she is, or how her dating life is going? No way.

 

That is why you cannot be friends with ex's. You don't wanna know what they are up to.

[Peter_pan]

so basically the only thing she can be to me is an ex, a stranger whom i shared the best times of my life with. and thats it now.

 

joy! . well maybe one day we may end up back together in a strange twist of events, but i highly highly doubt it.

 

stupid B**** had to change on me

 

i reckon if i contact her i could get feelings she had for me back. and she would leave him and come back to me. or we would argue, i would finally have a go at her and her actions, slate her somewhat, and then finally move on

[northstar1]

so basically the only thing she can be to me is an ex, a stranger whom i shared the best times of my life with. and thats it now.

 

joy! . well maybe one day we may end up back together in a strange twist of events, but i highly highly doubt it.

 

stupid B**** had to change on me

 

i reckon if i contact her i could get feelings she had for me back. and she would leave him and come back to me. or we would argue, i would finally have a go at her and her actions, slate her somewhat, and then finally move on

 

Peter - you can't live in a world of 'what if's". You need to live in the present. The fact is, your ex is not contacing you. I'm not saying she doesn't think of you, but she is not making any move to be in touch.

If you contact her, the reality is, you probably can't bring her feeling back. You can't make someone feel something, it has to come on it's own.

[Peter_pan]

Peter - you can't live in a world of 'what if's". You need to live in the present. The fact is, your ex is not contacing you. I'm not saying she doesn't think of you, but she is not making any move to be in touch.

If you contact her, the reality is, you probably can't bring her feeling back. You can't make someone feel something, it has to come on it's own.

 

yeah well she seems to have done a great job of not contacting me or anything. like i never existed. i know i live in the world of what ifs its so sad like i think "if" i stayed up there she might have come back, she could have seen how i had changed etc, now all she will remember is how i was with no memory of what i am like now.

 

so i kinda dug my own grave. its like i let her get away. grrr

[motive2002]

Peter I know exactly how you feel. I still ruminate from time to time, when I know in my brain it doesn't serve me whatsoever.. except to make me feel miserable.

I too ask myself "how could she be so cruel? How could she just toss me out like garbage? How could she be so kind and loving and then turn into this evil monster?"

But it's a trap, and I'm the only one here in this 'pity party'.

 

Break-ups are rarely amicable. If you were clinging on for dear life, not wanting her to go.. it probably wore on her so much that she started getting nasty. It's not a sum total of her personality, you were just bringing out the worst of it in some way. But none of this is either here nor there. She's out of your life and can no longer hurt you.

 

Try to take in a deep breath, and imagine a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Breathe in deep.. and try to literally feel the pressure removed from you.

There's no more anxiety about "how does she feel?" or "What is she thinking?" etc. You are in complete control of your own emotions now. You are freed from the emotional pain she brought, because she can never have this power over you anymore. You have been beaten down, but you survived! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[roghornio]

 

i reckon if i contact her i could get feelings she had for me back. and she would leave him and come back to me. or we would argue, i would finally have a go at her and her actions, slate her somewhat, and then finally move on

 

No No NO!

 

Listen... Forget her, you have too... SHE IS NOT COMING BACK.

I'm sorry to be so harsh my friend. If she still had feelings for you, or felt like there was anythign to say - she would be getting in touch. Do you really think she is with her new boyfriend and in the back of her mind she thinks - oh what have i done, what a big mistake... NO. You would know about it if she did. I'm sorry i a m so blunt, but ive followed your situation from the beginning and you don't seem to (want maybe?) let go. You really have to drill into you that she is not coming back and she does not and probably will not have feelings for you anymore. I'm sorry Pete... but thats how it is. Like everyone else here it;s time to move on. I've read a lot of posts on this forum and man - Foxs story is the one that moves me the most... listen to him if anyone else. Really you can never go backwards.

[northstar1]

yeah well she seems to have done a great job of not contacting me or anything. like i never existed. i know i live in the world of what ifs its so sad like i think "if" i stayed up there she might have come back, she could have seen how i had changed etc, now all she will remember is how i was with no memory of what i am like now.

 

so i kinda dug my own grave. its like i let her get away. grrr

 

You didn't 'let her get away'. She made a choice. Now you have the choice, to either move on with your life, or keep in limbo like you are now.

 

We can give you all the advice in the world, but in the end it will be up to you to decide what you want to do.

 

If you need to contact her, then that's up to you. But I think everyone on here will agree, you'll come back here in a worse spot than you are now. If you think there are magical words that will bridge the gulf that exists, then you've figured out something that nearly everyone else hasn't. Only you can figure out if it's worth that risk.

 

I think that most of us have looked back at the relationship and thought "If I'd done this or that, maybe it would have worked out differently" But doing so isn't going to bring them back. THey come back on their own, or they don't. Simple as that. And the fact that 8 months have gone by and she hasn't come back is a clear sign it's not on her mind.

 

You need to figure out a way to let this go and move on, or you'll be in this same spot 6 months from now.

Your ex is living her life, you need to live yours.

Life is all about experiences - some good, some bad. Learn from the bad, cherish the good and keep living.

 

We only have a finite time on this earth, and you can't waste it by living in the past.

[Peter_pan]

thanks again guys, its nice to read stuff like that. and its nice that people have followed my story from start to now.

 

man i wish the memories would disappear. its so crap that i miss her still isn't it lol

 

its so hard for me to know that we are over and thats that. and that she isnt coming back. its like everything we meant didnt even mean anything. thought we had something special. alot of people compared them selfs to us because we were that special and committed.

 

i find it strange that she is with this guy. and how she could just move on that quick. its unbearable.

 

i know she is living her life, ive got to live mine. i just miss her a lot. and wish i could be in her arms. she made me feel safe and ok

 

why would she break up with him and speak to my best mate right away? and then a month later when she was coming back down she called him again, but he couldn't meet her as he was away

[Surfer Dude]

thanks again guys, its nice to read stuff like that. and its nice that people have followed my story from start to now.

 

man i wish the memories would disappear. its so crap that i miss her still isn't it lol

 

its so hard for me to know that we are over and thats that. and that she isnt coming back. its like everything we meant didnt even mean anything. thought we had something special. alot of people compared them selfs to us because we were that special and committed.

 

i find it strange that she is with this guy. and how she could just move on that quick. its unbearable.

 

i know she is living her life, ive got to live mine. i just miss her a lot. and wish i could be in her arms. she made me feel safe and ok

 

why would she break up with him and speak to my best mate right away? and then a month later when she was coming back down she called him again, but he couldn't meet her as he was away

 

Same story here. Shared something special, got dumped and she moved on within few days of breakup. You should try to get yourself into a state of mind where you realize that your love is gone and has been replaced by this new person who doesn't care.

 

I also miss good old times. But I realize that they are in the past and that absolutely nothing could bring them back. We all miss those times, otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum. You're not alone man

Hang in there, you're gonna be fine.

 

We all have our ways of dealing with breakups. Some go on rebounds, some drink, others get busy with something. There is no universal recipe for curing heartache. If nothing has worked for you, try meditation or praying or something, I hear those things work.

 

And let me be a bit blunt about something. You've already wasted, like what, 1 year coping with this crap and being depressed about it? You are really wasting your life bro, you should really stop thinking about her already. I'm sure you don't want this to become chronic.

 

We all keep having setbacks from time to time, but as long as we're heading in right general direction, it's fine really. You need to take control of your life, starting now. You are the creator of your own life and destiny, not others. Everything that happens in your life does so because you've either allowed it to happen or made it happen. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can take necessary steps in order to start healing. It won't happen overnight and sure there will be relapses and setbacks, but don't falter and give up.

 

Healing from breakup is pretty much like beating an addiction, you gotta stop being addicted to this unhealthy cycle of pining, grief and sorrow. Your mind is so used to these sick things, it won't allow you break free unless you take concrete steps towards your goal, and that's ultimately letting go of everything.

[Peter_pan]

be as harsh as you like mate im all good ! i hear you man

 

when i went to a counselor she said if you imagine good times like this

 

say you go to this place and make good memories and then you go and do it again with that person, wether its a walk in the park, its always going to be different and not like the first time, over a period of time it will become the same.

 

i guess she means you cant re live things even if you do it with that same person.

 

 

yeh i know things that happen are because of what i do. sometimes i wish i did things differently if i had more guts etc.

 

like wen her friend came to visit her. i met her friend whilst she waited for my ex to finish work. she went to give her her suit case whilst we walked around for a bit. she asked if i wanted to go in or not... i was like erm no. she said i understand if you dont want to.

 

well i do think hmm what if i had gone in and just saw her face to face, layed it all out on the table.

 

man. just ugh. sigh

 

and i cant believe ive wasted all this time thinkin bout her either. its odd. prob ocd tbh

 

 

i just cannot except she dosnt want me. thats what i wont except. im better than him

[Surfer Dude]

 

i just cannot except she dosnt want me. thats what i wont except. im better than him

 

That may be so, but she doesn't share your opinion and that's where the problem arises. Honestly, who cares what some douchebag ex thinks of you? You have yourself and your own life, you gotta stop clinging onto her. She brings nothing useful into your life, only pain and grief (but ultimately you are the source of those feelings, she is just an external trigger).

 

You're keeping it alive man. You really gotta stop this OCD thing.

[replicator]

be as harsh as you like mate im all good ! i hear you man

 

when i went to a counselor she said if you imagine good times like this

 

say you go to this place and make good memories and then you go and do it again with that person, wether its a walk in the park, its always going to be different and not like the first time, over a period of time it will become the same.

 

i guess she means you cant re live things even if you do it with that same person.

 

 

yeh i know things that happen are because of what i do. sometimes i wish i did things differently if i had more guts etc.

 

like wen her friend came to visit her. i met her friend whilst she waited for my ex to finish work. she went to give her her suit case whilst we walked around for a bit. she asked if i wanted to go in or not... i was like erm no. she said i understand if you dont want to.

 

well i do think hmm what if i had gone in and just saw her face to face, layed it all out on the table.

 

man. just ugh. sigh

 

and i cant believe ive wasted all this time thinkin bout her either. its odd. prob ocd tbh

 

 

i just cannot except she dosnt want me. thats what i wont except. im better than him

 

Damn, Peter.

 

When I read your posts, it's so similar to what I went through. It completely killed me that she left me for someone else, when we had so much and I treated her so well. It was like getting my heart cut out with a dull spoon. I was asking myself the same questions - what does he have that I couldn't provide? Why does she think he is better? I was going loopy doing this to myself.

 

It still hurts man - and that's why I still frequent this forum, but you have to believe that it just goes to show that she isn't the right one for you. Even if you could get her back - do you want someone who could hurt you like this? Who doesn't believe in who you are, and all that you can be?

 

Forget that man. Don't settle for anything less than someone who really wants to be with you. Someone you can trust.

 

It's okay to feel like this right now. People were saying all the same things to me too, and I just couldn't listen. I didn't want to. Those emotions take time to process.. It takes time to get over it and unfortunately I haven't found any short-cuts yet, but I guarantee you that in time you'll start to have less bad days, and more good days.

[Peter_pan]

thanks rep. well thats the problem, i trusted her with my life. and its as if i was the one who did something wrong for her to just go out with him straight away.

 

some of the things she said still haunt me and play with my mind.

 

i know you say "but you have to believe that it just goes to show that she isn't the right one for you. Even if you could get her back - do you want someone who could hurt you like this? Who doesn't believe in who you are, and all that you can be?"

 

which is defiantly 100% true, but... back then i wasnt me, i was controlled by ocd and was scared of living life. it pulled her down with me. and i just know she didnt get to be with the real me. thats why when we split i wanted to give us another chance once i was better so i could prove how well i am now and we could live a normal relationship

 

thats what makes me so upset. knowing i didnt get to show her that. and to see how we would have been different as a couple.

 

thanks for listening . it helps alot

[replicator]

thanks rep. well thats the problem, i trusted her with my life. and its as if i was the one who did something wrong for her to just go out with him straight away.

 

some of the things she said still haunt me and play with my mind.

 

i know you say "but you have to believe that it just goes to show that she isn't the right one for you. Even if you could get her back - do you want someone who could hurt you like this? Who doesn't believe in who you are, and all that you can be?"

 

which is defiantly 100% true, but... back then i wasnt me, i was controlled by ocd and was scared of living life. it pulled her down with me. and i just know she didnt get to be with the real me. thats why when we split i wanted to give us another chance once i was better so i could prove how well i am now and we could live a normal relationship

 

thats what makes me so upset. knowing i didnt get to show her that. and to see how we would have been different as a couple.

 

thanks for listening . it helps alot

 

Hey Peter..

 

I'm a bit OCD too, and I know I made my share of mistakes. In hindsight, I could have treated her so much better, but I always thought in time I'd show her. I know I could have done things differently. Who knows how things would have been had we handled things differently?

 

It's a positive that we both recognize that we played a part in the break-up, and take some responsibility for what happened. We live and we learn. This is our opportunity to become better stronger, wiser, and smarter. Without this break-up, you wouldn't be facing some of the things about your negative habits and patterns.

 

In my case, I swore to myself that I would come out of this as a better man. That I would change all the negative aspects of my life, and do everything better than while I was with her. I need to do this for myself.

 

There is a silver lining in all this, but it's just hard to see from where we are right now.

[Peter_pan]

hmm yeh i can see how your saying there is a silver lining but i dunno.

 

yeh i realized my mistakes when i told her i was sorry for how i have been, she said its ok i dont blame you for anything. i have no regrets.

 

but i also remember arguments with her and how she would say stuff like "dont you remember i did all the house work" to which i said, no i did some to and i was the one who looked after the whole of the outside.

 

huff.

 

i just feel like reaching out to her, i dont like the fact she will be someone different and the person i loved has gone !! that just cant be real can it? i want her back so much. but it hurt when she told me she would be lying toherself if she was with me again.

 

it made me feel so ****/. like im not worth it or something

[replicator]

i just feel like reaching out to her, i dont like the fact she will be someone different and the person i loved has gone !! that just cant be real can it? i want her back so much. but it hurt when she told me she would be lying toherself if she was with me again.

 

it made me feel so ****/. like im not worth it or something

 

She's changed. I know it's hard to come to grips that what you had is gone.. she is gone. I look back too sometimes, even though I try my best not to. It's difficult to accept that what you had will become a only memory, and you will lose that closeness you shared. As hard as it is, this is reality.

 

The one thing you need to always keep in mind, is that your value and worth as a person doesn't ever depend on any other person. It may sound trite, but real self worth comes from within, and nobody can give or take that from you. It's time to focus on yourself now. If there is something you're unhappy about, don't point the finger or place the blame on anyone or anything. Take action and change what you don't like about yourself, you have the power. You're going to pull out of this. Even though you will not want her in ten years, if she ever runs into you in the future, you want her to be straight up, damned awed by the man that you've become.