Yes or No? Call BS (wife) ask for meeting?

[pjean]

I am tired of being lied to...its been several years our affair has carried on and a few children later (one right after another). He says he told his wife and vowed to her never to see me again...well, that lasted 2 weeks.

 

I feel horrible. I am tired of living a life of lies that feels like a stack of cards just waiting to fall. He is going out of town. Should I call her and ask her if she wants to meet somewhere of her choosing and compare stories to see if we are both getting lied to and where to go from here?

 

I cant go into another year like this and I think she has a right to know the truth...

 

well, BS, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD WANT?

 

He and I cannot stay away from each other...the chemistry and love is too strong...but he doesnt want to hurt anyone either way. But the lying, I know he has to be lying to us both, has to stop!

 

PLEASE HELP!!!!

[OWoman]

I am tired of being lied to...its been several years our affair has carried on and a few children later (one right after another). He says he told his wife and vowed to her never to see me again...well, that lasted 2 weeks.

 

I feel horrible. I am tired of living a life of lies that feels like a stack of cards just waiting to fall. He is going out of town. Should I call her and ask her if she wants to meet somewhere of her choosing and compare stories to see if we are both getting lied to and where to go from here?

 

I cant go into another year like this and I think she has a right to know the truth...

 

well, BS, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD WANT?

 

He and I cannot stay away from each other...the chemistry and love is too strong...but he doesnt want to hurt anyone either way. But the lying, I know he has to be lying to us both, has to stop!

 

PLEASE HELP!!!!

 

What do you hope to gain from the meeting?

 

The strength to walk away and not go back to him? If you are truly tired of being lied to, you could find that strength within yourself.

 

The hope that once she knows, she'll dump him and leave him to you? You really want a future with someone who - by your admission - can't be honest with you or the person he's with?

 

Confirmation that, yes, he's lied to you both, and continues to do so? And then? how will that impact what you do from there?

 

I see nothing coming from that but two really unhappy women, both feeling trapped and unable to break free from someone they both know is doing them in.

[whichwayisup]

You have two children with this MM? He's totally living a double life!!

 

Bullcrap he doesn't want to hurt anyone, if he didn't want to hurt anyone, he never would have had an affair, let alone have TWO children with another woman who isn't his wife!!

 

If you tell, are you hoping she'll kick him out and he'll be with you?

[pjean]

IDK what I am hoping to accomplish? Maybe forcing him into making the hard decision...either stay with his wife and leave me alone...or leave his wife?

 

But, mostly, my children...he has grown children with her. I dont want my children to live a lie. They should have their fathers last name, maybe its because I am expecting in 2 weeks and over emotional right now.

 

But, he said he told her about the children...but I dont know for sure.

 

I just hate that I feel we are both on the end of his "version" of the truth. Whatever happened to the truth will set you free?

 

I just want to be free and I havent felt free in a long time...I dont want our children to bare that same burden.

 

Do BS want the truth???????????

[noforgiveness]

I would call her and tell her what you feel you need to but a meeting NO.

 

This wiman hates you. Why would she want to meet with you? She thinks you are nothing but a piece of dirt on the bottom of her shoe. She knows you have been knowingly seeing a married man for years, her man. She will have no respect for you or anything you have to say and she will not care if he lies to you.

 

If you were tricked and didn't know he was married she would feel differently but you have knowingly been involved with her husband even with the knowledge of him telling his wife it's over with you.

 

No do not meet her. She will use it to belittle you and use you for whatever you have to say.

 

Call write a letter whatever but if you are looking to HIS WIFE for answers to your relationship you are dead wrong.

[whichwayisup]

So, you'd rather HIM make the decision than you? Why not END IT and walk away seeing as he hasn't left his wife for you. Noone is holding a gun to his head, and him choosing to stay with his wife and choosing to keep you as the OW IS what he wants. Two women to meet all his needs.

 

Take the power back by cutting him OUT of your life. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you and the kids, he'll divorce. If he doesn't, well, then you have your answer.

 

So, is this child #3 on the way?

 

Anyway, this situation is such a mess.

[noforgiveness]

Why is he staying with the wife if he has young children with you and his are grown. What is this cowards excuse.

 

MM love to lie and say the wife knows. It alleviates their guilt and yours. No his wife doesn't know. You would have heard from her especially if you are due soon. YES she needs the truth. Yes I think she will throw him out. Good luck to you. You may soon have that pos for your own.

[whichwayisup]

I have to ask, and if you don't answer, I understand.. But why on earth you would allow yourself to get pregnant by a MM? By putting yourself in this situation, you've created a rollercoaster ride for you and your kids..Yes, it takes two to tango, he certainly had a willing hand in all this, but it just makes no sense to me that you would want to have children with him, unless you thought it would woo him away from his grown children and wife? I'm not judging you, guess I'm trying to understand the logic behind having a family with a MM who has no plans on leaving his wife..

[noforgiveness]

You will be free when you tell her. You will find out what he really wants. I hope it's you and I hope you don't get him by default because she threw him out. If that happens you will never know who he really wanted. Is he supporting his kids?

[pjean]

So, BS do want to know the truth????

 

He told her we meet in a hotel on business. In fact he pursued me, wearing no wedding ring, ever...that he was single, no children, and much younger than he really is. I didnt know until years into our relationship he was actually married with children.

 

I know he has lied to her about the truth and I know I was not his first other woman with her...and sure if we no longer see each other that I would be his last!

[whichwayisup]

In fact he pursued me, wearing no wedding ring, ever...that he was single, no children, and much younger than he really is. I didnt know until years into our relationship he was actually married with children.

 

Yet you chose to continue with this man, the liar who pretended he wasn't married and didn't have kids.

 

Even if you end up with him, he IS going to cheat on you and find another OW since this is what he has gotten used to. Are you sure you want this man, this liar, as your husband???

[pjean]

You will be free when you tell her. You will find out what he really wants. I hope it's you and I hope you don't get him by default because she threw him out. If that happens you will never know who he really wanted. Is he supporting his kids?

 

Yes, he has always supported me and the children. I dont work, since I am a stay at home mom with the young ones. BUT, he doesnt support our children near the lifestyle his other children and he live. I think the reason is to hide the money he gives to me from his wife!

[noforgiveness]

If you were an unknowing ow then yes try to meet with her. She will have sympathy for you as I'm sure you have for her. How long have you been involved with him since you've known he was married?

[noforgiveness]

Yes, he has always supported me and the children. I dont work, since I am a stay at home mom with the young ones. BUT, he doesnt support our children near the lifestyle his other children and he live. I think the reason is to hide the money he gives to me from his wife!

 

 

oh I'd be careful there then and check the laws first. That is marital money and half hers he is using for you. Yes he needs to support the kids but not you which if you are a sahm he has been a lot.

[whichwayisup]

If you were an unknowing ow then yes try to meet with her. She will have sympathy for you as I'm sure you have for her. How long have you been involved with him since you've known he was married?

 

Did you have children with him before you knew he was married? Or did you have them afterwards?

[pjean]

I found out with our 1st child and now on our 3rd due in 2 weeks.

[whichwayisup]

So you continued to have children with this man after you found out he was married.. His wife won't be as understanding as you think - I mean, if you JUST found out then possibly, but now? After 2 years and having more children with him?

 

I feel for your kids and his wife since they are so innocent in all this. The MM is a sick man and if you DO land him, I have no idea how you could ever trust him fully.

[pjean]

Please bs, be bluntly honest....

 

Would you want to know and in what context would you want to be told????

 

Please, i want to do this in the most appropriate way in an inappropriate situation...

 

I am sure the fall out from my mm will be awful since i will have broken my promise i would never contact his wife.

[noforgiveness]

pjean honestly I think you need to speak to a lawyer first. If you are a sahm with him supporting you and he gets angry he can cut off that support. You are not married. It would take a long time to prove paternity and get any kind of support. Talk to a lawyer before you call her. You and your kids could end up on the street.

 

He's lying to her and you know it. He's living a double life.

 

Again what is his reason for staying with her when he has 3 kids by you?

[RecordProducer]

I would DEFINITELY talk to her in a friendly manner. If you didn't have kids with him, I'd say don't stir the pot, dump his ass and move on. But you have two children with him. You're both his wives in a way. You should finally meet. This is not an affair anymore, this is a man with two families. He needs to be responsible.

 

She will either fight for him (more likely) or let him go. It's probably even better if the three of you can meet on a neutral territory. You must know how to proceed with your life. In any case, I would stop seeing him completely until he divorces his wife. If THAT doesn't stimulate him to divorce her, then he never will.

[noforgiveness]

I would DEFINITELY talk to her in a friendly manner. If you didn't have kids with him, I'd say don't stir the pot, dump his ass and move on. But you have two children with him. You're both his wives in a way. You should finally meet. This is not an affair anymore, this is a man with two families. He needs to be responsible.

 

She will either fight for him (more likely) or let him go. It's probably even better if the three of you can meet on a neutral territory. You must know how to proceed with your life. In any case, I would stop seeing him completely until he divorces his wife. If THAT doesn't stimulate him to divorce her, then he never will.

 

You reallythink she would fight for a man who had 3 kids behind her back? Highly unlikely. That is too much deception to get over. Way too many lies.

[RecordProducer]

You reallythink she would fight for a man who had 3 kids behind her back? Highly unlikely. That is too much deception to get over. Way too many lies.

What some women are ready to put up with might be beyond our comprehension. She might not give a rat's ass about her husband but still care about his income, especially if she doesn't work. Besides, it's a competition thing, too.

Finally, we don't know what she knows; maybe the wife knows that he has children with the OW. She already knows about the affair and didn't divorce him.

 

The problem is that HE doesn't want to divorce his wife.

[norajane]

pjean honestly I think you need to speak to a lawyer first. If you are a sahm with him supporting you and he gets angry he can cut off that support. You are not married. It would take a long time to prove paternity and get any kind of support. Talk to a lawyer before you call her. You and your kids could end up on the street.

 

He's lying to her and you know it. He's living a double life.

 

Again what is his reason for staying with her when he has 3 kids by you?

 

I agree - lawyer FIRST. You need to file for child support for all 3 children, and you'll need the advice of a lawyer to understand what your legal rights and protections are, as well as what your responsibilities are. Forget talking to his wife for your own purposes. The ONLY thing you should be concerned about are your children and their welfare.

 

This man is a POS. He's been lying to both of you, and created two families, neither of which he is man enough to care for. Maybe his wife doesn't know the full story, but you do. What's he got - a gold dick? Does he sh*t diamonds and rainbows? What's so special about him that you would put up with his lies, deceptions, and crap for so long, and WHY would you have THREE children with him? Don't you think your children deserve a better father?

[serial muse]

Please bs, be bluntly honest....

 

Would you want to know and in what context would you want to be told????

 

Please, i want to do this in the most appropriate way in an inappropriate situation...

 

I am sure the fall out from my mm will be awful since i will have broken my promise i would never contact his wife.

 

Since you're asking - I was a former BS (now long since divorced) and yes, I would have wanted to know. I can't speak for everyone, though - and that's why this isn't necessarily the best question to ask in your situation. I think it's worth knowing that yes, there are plenty of BS out there who wish someone would clue them in.

 

But I think that for you, the more important question is one that was already posed to you: namely, supposing that you did have a conversation with your MM's wife, have you thought much about what you would hope to learn, what you would do if she chose not to take any action, and so forth? There's a very real chance that if she has no idea (or even if she suspects), she'll be in shock for some time. It takes a while to go from learning the truth to deciding on a course of action - if you're hoping that she'll make up her mind on any immediate timeframe, you may be hoping for far too much. You've been living with this knowledge for a while, and so you're fed up, but she hasn't had the luxury of time to think; and it will probably take her a while to process the information and figure out how she feels, what she really wants, what she really thinks of him, and so forth. In other words, you may be doing her a service (in my opinion) or a disservice (in the opinion of others), but either way, you may not get much in the way of immediate action.

 

The one thing you probably will do is force him to face his crap, and that is probably a good thing - except for the fact that you do have children to consider and you need his support for them. And that's why people are telling you to talk to a lawyer first. The only certain outcome of forcing a confrontation at this point is that the house of cards will fall - but what that will do to your financial situation isn't clear. So you should protect yourself and your children, and then decide what you want to do.

 

As I said - personally, I'd have wanted to know and I'd generally say please do tell. But even though (again, IMO) it's best for the BS to know the truth, I'm not sure that it's in your best interests to go in without some serious practical planning first, and without thinking hard about the potential consequences to your situation.

[Trialbyfire]

So, BS do want to know the truth????

Since you keep asking this question, I'll answer it as a former betrayed spouse. YES, I wouldn't have cared who told me, I would have wanted to know!