moonmosaic Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Before I got married I lived with my friend and we used to have a blast being roommates. My husband and I used to spend a lot of time together but about 3 months ago we bought a small boat. That's when things started to fall apart. He immediately took up fishing and now I hardly see him. I feel like I have been abandoned. Well, some might say; why don't I go out with him? It's not so simple. I have an eight year old daughter from a previous relationship and I cannot spend all day out on the boat, besides I feel that he likes to just be left alone. He doesn't even like me texting or calling him when he is out. So now I feel like a single mum again, but worse. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I was hoping to be spending time together as a family. Of course he left early in the morning to go fishing. He said he would not be away too long and I thought at least we would spend the afternoon together but he didn't come home till 3.30. I think he only came home because I sent him a text message saying that I was not a happy bunny sitting at home waiting for him. When he got home, he said that he thought he would take us out later in the evening and we would eat on the boat. Well, what he was thinking didn't correspond with what he was saying earlier. I told him about my disappointment but then he started yelling and he wanted us out of the house. I left with my daughter not knowing where to go. About an hour later he sent me a text message saying that he would like us to come home. We did, but we haven't talked since. I am starting to feel pretty lonely in this marriage, I think I had more fun being single. I would like to socialise more but he doesn't like to socialize with my friends and wary of me going out meeting new ones. I do want him to be happy, to be able to do the things he enjoys but what makes him happy right now is making me unhappy. I feel that for the amount of time he spends fishing he needs to be single. I just don't know how to compromise any more.
Geishawhelk Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 You know what I did when I fell out with my partner, big-time? I wrote him a letter. That way, it had his attention. I don't know whether you think such a thing would work with your H. You need to make it as factual as possible, stating your case and how it makes you feel, (but not laying it on with a trowel, or getting over-emotional), and let him know what you'd like him to do. His reaction will be a good indication of wherther you could get somewhere - or whether this is going nowhere. Incidentally, for me, to be thrown out of the house with my 8-year old daughter would have been enough of a deal breaker. In my opinion, your mistake was to go back immediately. This sends out signals of his control, working. Where DID you go in that hour? A motel would have suited me fine..... I'd have gone out, and stayed out. But that's just me. In the thick of it, it's not easy to think straight, especially if you have to consider a child into the bargain..... Goodness knows how it must have made your daughter feel. Subjecting her to going back sends her the wrong signals. he's an @$$hole, by the way. To eject a child as callously as he did.....!! :mad:
Author moonmosaic Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 yes, my daughter was upset and I hate such dramas because i don't believe they are constructive in any way. we went to the beach and I was going to get a hotel room for the night but then i got his text message. in a way i was relieved, it saved me the hassle of explaining my 8 year old why we were not going home. all in all we had to say goodbye to having a nice thanksgiving day. so we talked briefly this morning - he saw my posting here:eek: - but he had to leave for work so everything is hanging in the air right now.
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 He needs to compromise and yes, it's OK to have a hobby that you love, but it can't come first before the family. Something else is up, this isn't just about the boat. People don't freak out like that and tell you to get out unless they have a good reason, so from what you've said, he is acting immature and selfish, putting you and your daughter last, above his own needs. How long have you been married? Tell him that he needs to step up to bat and BE a better husband and father, spend more time with you, be more involved.
CaliMan Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I've been in this situation as both the guy that wants to go fishing and as being the partner that wants to spend more time with the other. Don't have a good answer either way, usually one party is annoyed at the other and the other one is lonely and upset.
Author moonmosaic Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 So we had a long talk friday afternoon and I realised that it was one thing him going fishing Thanksgiving day and another running away from another "family day". When I have a babysitter for my daughter we go out and do things - fishing, movie etc; just the two of us. But I can't employ a full time babysitter not I would want to and it means I have a lot of responsibilities as a mother - schoolwork, dance classes, illness; etc - all on my shoulder. I am aware that he is only a stepfather but if he goes fishing every time I have to be somewhere because of my daughter than I might as well be a single mom. I do love him to bits but I would like to be happy with him when my daughter is around and do things together as a family not just when its only the two of us. We agreed that we would be spending sunday afternoons together as a family and he can go fishing on other days. I would also plan "family days" to make sure there is no misunderstanding. If any stepfathers are out there, how much time do you spend with your step kids? Or is it normal to have your "me time" when the step kids are around? Maybe it is and I am just being too demanding?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I told him about my disappointment but then he started yelling and he wanted us out of the house. How does someone order you out of your own house? I mean, you're married right? 50/50 partners? I don't think your H looks at the relationship the same way you do. Until you address that, not going to get better... Mr. Lucky
Author moonmosaic Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 How does someone order you out of your own house? I mean, you're married right? 50/50 partners? I don't think your H looks at the relationship the same way you do. Until you address that, not going to get better... Mr. Lucky Unfortunately him ordering me out of the house comes from his anger. When he is mad he says a lot of things that he doesn't mean. Perhaps he is hurt and he wants to hurt me back. I don't know. I am the opposite. I keep quiet and wait for the anger to subside so things can be decided rationally. That's why I left the house but yes, it is 50/50 so it is our place. He says I am being passive aggressive by not responding. I think that makes him angrier but I believe the best thing you can do when you are angry is to do nothing. I want to keep mutual respect a top priority in our marriage but I think he has a lot to learn before he truly understands how that's achieved. I am not a saint nor I always behave the way I should - I guess, I should have handled Thanksgiving differently - but I am willing to admit to things being done wrong without fighting for my right or trying to prove who was wrong. It's very challenging when one party is aware of this but the other isn't.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think that makes him angrier but I believe the best thing you can do when you are angry is to do nothing. I don't think this is true and your situation would indicate that this approach is not working for you. You need to calmly, rationally stand your ground. Being ordered out of your own home is not a reasonable request. Thinking that you will have some family time on Thanksgiving is not an unreasonable expectation. Your H does these things because he knows you'll let him. It does not sound like a healthy model to expose your child to. Is this how you want her to be? Mr. Lucky
Author moonmosaic Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 It seems like he may not know how to be a step parent. Maybe a family couseling to help you both learn how to be a couple and parents together. Does he have any children? Yes, he has a 12 year old son who stays with us during the summer but he lives with his mom out of state. He didn't really spend much time with his son when he was here last summer either.
Author moonmosaic Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 I don't think this is true and your situation would indicate that this approach is not working for you. You need to calmly, rationally stand your ground. Being ordered out of your own home is not a reasonable request. Thinking that you will have some family time on Thanksgiving is not an unreasonable expectation. Your H does these things because he knows you'll let him. It does not sound like a healthy model to expose your child to. Is this how you want her to be? Mr. Lucky No, I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking this is normal. I just don't know what to do. I think I just need to be the one who sets guidelines if I want this marriage to work. We don't work well together when there is a conflict so perhaps avoiding it all together is the best way to combat it? Yes, I do have a tendency to let the guy be and do whatever makes him happy. My philosophy is that i wouldn't want a guy stop me from doing what makes me happy either. The only difference is that I know where to draw the line. I didn't think it was a great idea for him to go fishing when I thought we would spend the day together - I didn't have a problem canceling non-family events - but I thought maybe a few hours of fishing is an acceptable request. Just to make him happy even though it made me unhappy. The bottom line is, when i am easy going and understanding everything is fine but when I am unhappy, upset or disappointed i am history. So I guess I just have to avoid being unhappy, upset and disappointed. Is there a pill out there I can take? LOL
Mr. Lucky Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Yes, he has a 12 year old son who stays with us during the summer but he lives with his mom out of state. He didn't really spend much time with his son when he was here last summer either. And so I'm guessing that left you to care for his son while he was off doing other things. Do you see a pattern emerging here? So I guess I just have to avoid being unhappy, upset and disappointed. The only way I know how to do that is to avoid having any hopes or expectations, not a very fulfilling way to live. Your H sounds at best immature and at worst a self-centered user and bully. Until you clearly state your needs and expectations that they'll be met (possibly in MC), I don't see why things would change. Hope I'm wrong... Mr. Lucky
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