sweetappl2 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Well after 2.5 months I finally got him to admit it. He's scared of commitment. It breaks my heart all over again. I don't think its the issue of him wanting freedom but more so that he was hurt in the past... but he did say he's always struggled with this issue in past relationships. So yeah..... he broke up with me at first saying he needs to figure out his life.. but now it seems to me he has excuse after excuse of why he can't be together. Cuz he figured out he wanted to join the coast guard. He's asked me on two dates but they always seem to fall through. I looked at a website of all the things about commitment phobes and I believe these to be true about him.... Some of these are true for when we were in a relationship, and others with the "break" They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship. (the part of him rejecting in our relationship didn't happen, i saw him constantly.. almost everyday this summer before work, during work, and after work.)Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again. (Him doin this by texting me asking me why i'm not talking to him, whos the other guy, will "panic" and call/text multiple times when I don't answer)They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships. (i am older, and he says we are very different people all the time, but never used it to actually end the relationship)They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so. (we are on "break" but now he says he says only time can tell with us)They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely. (SO HIM!)They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.They hate planning ahead because that means commitments. (he's more of a plan on the whim guy, but aren't all guys?)They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman. (work definately)Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etcSO my question is, what is best? We had the most amazing relationship, we were so close and cared so much about each other. And he changed into all of this.... our relationship was so great, its just what he has done that is messing it all up. It's like a never-ending battle with him. Whats the best thing to do at this point? He still clings onto me in that he cares so much, but then other days he can be a complete jerk to me because he's stressed. I don't know, my heart is so torn. I want to be with him and care for him but I also cannot wait forever. Its been 2.5 months and my heart aches so much still. I still cry over him. He is all over the place.. somedays its when we will get back together, and that I just need to be patient with him, and now its like only time will tell... how do you deal with men like this? or do you deal at all??? My heart is breaking... i can't move on because I still have hope, but I can't be with him so it hurts so bad. I need advice so badly on how to handle this. He has complete hold on me emotionally. What throws me for a loop is, he tells me he is ready to settle down, but he is scared. He says he needs to figure out what the coast guard will be like before he can get someone else involved.... I want a commitment beforehand. Is there any hope with this guy? WHY DO MEN ACT LIKE THIS!?? DO THEY EVER COME AROUND?
berrieh Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 In my experience (2.5 years of dating one, my college bf), they aren't worth the trouble. Mine still thinks he loves me when I'm not around. Luckily, we're sorta friends now and I'm totally over him and just laugh at him b/c I know (a) he doesn't love me, (b) I don't love him, and © he's just doing what he does.
Capricciosa Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I have lots of experience with commitment phobes. He is probably never going to change. You are probably just the latest gal to experience his patterns. Do you know his relationship history? I bet none of his relationships worked out for the same reason. I know it's hard, but I would cut my losses if I were you. The come here/go away is going to wreck you, and in the end, probably won't get you what you want because he can't give it.
lazlow99 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I'm a bit like that, and I wish I wasn't. I know I'm romantic and loving etc, but for some reason I can't handle it when I know a girl really likes me in return. When I was in high school I used to flat our reject them, but now I'm worried in the next relationship I get into I will just shut down on them and become distant, when deep down its not what I want. Then I will lose them and the cycle will continue with the next girl. I've been hurt in the past, maybe that has something to do with it. For some reason I can't handle it when a girl really likes me, like I can't live up to their expectations or I'm not good enough for them. Its weird because I know I can easily make a girl who I'm not attracted to really like me, but with a girl who I do like I become shy. And as a person I can never make my mind up about the simplest things, and I'm also very ambitious about my chosen field etc. I'm getting better, but I'm still worried I will lose the right girl for me when she comes along because of my indecisiveness.
movingonandon Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 In my mind the concept of "commitment phobia" is just an excuse for being a wus . It sounds a little 'medical', and thus removes a big portion of the responsibility for being a wus . I'm sure that there are some cases where there are very serious psychological issues involved, but for the most part commitment phobia simply means that you don't like risks, think that you can do better, etc. The decision to commit is a simple cost benefit analysis. If it checks out - commit. If it doesn't - don't commit, but don't be a wus about it
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I also agree that you should cut your losses. You can't fight for your relationship when he's fighting himself. Btw, that's a very good synopsis of someone who's terrified of commitment. While most often, commitment phobia is situational and can be a passing phase, I think there are men and women who are terminal cases.
SingleAgain08 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 You're not in a good place and you can't get better without cutting him out for awhile -- I've used two months of no contact as a guideline to get through 3 breakups and it has worked well for me every time. Last month I got out of a relatively short but intense relationship with a commitment phobic man so I know it's hard. Take some time to honestly decide if you can really be happy in the long-term putting up with all his crappy behavior (because it probably won't change.) You might feel really bad at first, but in time I bet you will probably realize you're better off single and available for someone else WITHOUT a commitment issue. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Been there, done that, dumped him 2 1/2 months ago. The relationship really did a number on my self-esteem, and it is really taking a lot of effort to get my happiness and peace of mind back. I try to be thankful for the good times we had and the things I learned from the relationship, but sometimes I wish I hadn't even met him. He's a super-charming guy (TOTAL salesman) who seems to have a trail of partners who got badly hurt behind him. I think he pretends to come out unscathed, but every failed relationship hurts him more, his fears deepen, and the cycle repeats. I don't think I was ever so jerked around as I was with him. And the sad thing is I don't think he meant to jerk me around. I believe he really loved me and cared about me but had these consuming fears he couldn't shake. He was a master at getting me to stay when I was most doubtful, and I realized yesterday that our whole relationship was one long exercise in retention on his part. A friend of mine said he's a salesman great at retention, just like AOL, who are masters of getting customers who want to drop them to stay, and in fact buy more services. I was onto his flakiness from the beginning, and while he never held me close for long, he tried to keep a tight grip on me out at arm's length. I have a male friend who's a psychologist, and he said it's really sad that a lot of men really need counseling but are too proud to go. He said all the referrals he gets for men are either for substance abuse, or from girlfriends or wives who have asked their men to go. And he said a lot of these men have major issues, and have known it for a while, but avoided counseling for years. If I were in your situation, I think I would move on. If he's going to work on this, he's going to have to do the work himself. You can't do it for him. If in the future you find that he has improved substantially and you think renewing the relationship is a good idea, OK. But change like this is not going to happen overnight, and it's not a good idea for you to suffer through the back and forth in the meantime. And you know, it's sad, but he probably won't get any help. He'll probably move from relationship to relationship, with the same problem ruining each of them. People find soooo many ways to deny their problems and avoid facing them. Many, many people spend their entire lives this way.
Author sweetappl2 Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Well i talked to him for an hour after work (we work together). I told him how I feel about the commitment issue and that I hope that he can fix it soon. He says there is nothin that can be done to fix it. Is that true, what can be done??? I talk to him and say well if you care about me and want to be with me, than this shouldn't be an issue!! He also brought up a lot about how he feels he's not ready to be in a relationship. He talks about how he is ready to settle down but he's can't commit so that didn't make sense to me. He says he can't even take care of himself right now... he still lives with his parents, can't afford to live on his own, he wants to be financially secure and able to support a wife and children. I'm just thrown for a loop, because its not like we were getting married tomorrow! We dated for 2 months, but were so connected and in sync. But I just want to be in a relationship. He acts like everything has to be perfect for us to be with each other and that our future begins tomorrow. What is the deal with this guy? What kills me inside is the way he treats me and the things that he says to me when he's stressed. He's very negative and makes snappy comments toward me and its only toward me probably because he still has feelings toward me. he will create situations in his head, like I am "running away" from him when I am just walking geez! He just comes off as a jerk when he is stressed and guess who is the person that gets all of it... yeah me. And so I usually end up crying. Because this person who is so sweet and caring takes all their crap out on me and it hurts so much cause I see this guy that I know I can't be with... when he acts like that cuz I know I deserve so much better. He also brought up how he's figured out what he wants to do with his life, but is afraid to do it. That's what this breka was about.... he needed to figure out his life. Now he's afraid to call the coast guard recruiter because he is scared and doesn't know what to expect. He doesn't want to bring me into this if he doesn't know what's going to happen. He keeps wanting to get all this stuff fixed on his own, and can't have me there. So WHAT AM I TO DO!? As a girl, I feel that when you are going through hard times there, I would want my boyfriend to be there for me, not push him away to get all this stuff figured out. I just don't know. I miss him so freaking much, and he does say he misses me... so why can't we just be together?? It kills me inside because I sit here and wonder if this will ever be over....
Author sweetappl2 Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Another thing that bothers me is the way he approaches us... He never focuses on us in that we plan to have a future together and that is why he is doing this. It's all about him..... and if we get back together we'll see if that happens.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 You need to get rid of this guy. There will be nothing but heartache for you in the future. Listen to men when they tell you things. They are not BSing. If he says he's not ready for a relationship, he isn't, at least with you. Get out. Otherwise you will continue to see him, continue to sleep with him, and he has no obligation to you at all. He already told you how he feels.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I also agree that when people say they're not ready for a relationship, believe it! Sure, there are people who say it and don't mean it but hey, people who use that type of manipulative psychology deserve to lose something they value anyways. This guy doesn't sound like he's faking it. He's got baggage and issues galore. Don't ever let fear of loss, ever hold you back from finding the right person for you. You're putting up with a lot of crap. Driving the baggage cart can't be a whole lotta' fun.
Capricciosa Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Listen to men when they tell you things. They are not BSing. If he says he's not ready for a relationship, he isn't, at least with you. This is excellent advice. It took me years to learn it. Do yourself a favor and detach. 2.5 months is not that long. You'll be over it before you know it.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Yeah, totally cut him loose. This is going NOWHERE, and if you stay with him, you are only going to get more and more hurt as time goes on.
You'reasian Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Well after 2.5 months I finally got him to admit it. He's scared of commitment. It breaks my heart all over again. I don't think its the issue of him wanting freedom but more so that he was hurt in the past... but he did say he's always struggled with this issue in past relationships. So yeah..... he broke up with me at first saying he needs to figure out his life.. but now it seems to me he has excuse after excuse of why he can't be together. Cuz he figured out he wanted to join the coast guard. He's asked me on two dates but they always seem to fall through. I looked at a website of all the things about commitment phobes and I believe these to be true about him.... Some of these are true for when we were in a relationship, and others with the "break" They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship. (the part of him rejecting in our relationship didn't happen, i saw him constantly.. almost everyday this summer before work, during work, and after work.)Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again. (Him doin this by texting me asking me why i'm not talking to him, whos the other guy, will "panic" and call/text multiple times when I don't answer)They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships. (i am older, and he says we are very different people all the time, but never used it to actually end the relationship)They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so. (we are on "break" but now he says he says only time can tell with us)They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely. (SO HIM!)They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.They hate planning ahead because that means commitments. (he's more of a plan on the whim guy, but aren't all guys?)They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman. (work definately)Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etcSO my question is, what is best? We had the most amazing relationship, we were so close and cared so much about each other. And he changed into all of this.... our relationship was so great, its just what he has done that is messing it all up. It's like a never-ending battle with him. Whats the best thing to do at this point? He still clings onto me in that he cares so much, but then other days he can be a complete jerk to me because he's stressed. I don't know, my heart is so torn. I want to be with him and care for him but I also cannot wait forever. Its been 2.5 months and my heart aches so much still. I still cry over him. He is all over the place.. somedays its when we will get back together, and that I just need to be patient with him, and now its like only time will tell... how do you deal with men like this? or do you deal at all??? My heart is breaking... i can't move on because I still have hope, but I can't be with him so it hurts so bad. I need advice so badly on how to handle this. He has complete hold on me emotionally. What throws me for a loop is, he tells me he is ready to settle down, but he is scared. He says he needs to figure out what the coast guard will be like before he can get someone else involved.... I want a commitment beforehand. Is there any hope with this guy? WHY DO MEN ACT LIKE THIS!?? DO THEY EVER COME AROUND? You've got a great lead into your guy's psyche. I'd suggest that you print what you've found, meet up with him and talk to him about this (rather than just come up with your own conclusions and vent here ). Chances are, there's more - you might be a little off in some aspects but its a base to start from. TALK TO YOUR MAN. Start a dialog. If it crashes and burns, make a decision to either stay or go.
Author sweetappl2 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 It is so difficult to be around him right now. Because of these comments and the way he acts around me lately (because he's stressed so he says) tear me up inside. It hurts so much to see the guy I care about so much to act like this. Because i know I can't be with someone who does this. I want the guy that he was before. It's hard to say which one is his true colors. Because he's under stress now, or the perfect guy that he was when we were dating? I know the comments don't just get to me though, a lot of people (our friends) have noticed them. But they hurt me more than anythin because I was involved with him. I"m just not sure what to do. I still care and miss him.. but I cannot continue with this. Shoudl I just put distance in between us? If I do that, he will text me and say I don't talk to him anymore and become mr whiney pants. He reprimands me for almost everything, and i think it has to do with his insecurity. Even though we are not together... he imagines so many situations in his head. Like that I'm just talking to a guy... that means i'm dating him. Or that I'm doin something for someone, that means I like them. Even if I'm just walking fast... i'm "running" away from him... this is all crazy! I do feel teh distance will help me... I have been physically affected by this relationship, I can't eat, sleep, and my chest hurts so much sometimes and I have so much discomfort. It shouldn't come to that FOr my health, I need space. But I also don't want him to think I don't care....
Capricciosa Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 It is so difficult to be around him right now. Because of these comments and the way he acts around me lately (because he's stressed so he says) tear me up inside. It hurts so much to see the guy I care about so much to act like this. Because i know I can't be with someone who does this. I want the guy that he was before. It's hard to say which one is his true colors. Because he's under stress now, or the perfect guy that he was when we were dating? I know the comments don't just get to me though, a lot of people (our friends) have noticed them. But they hurt me more than anythin because I was involved with him. I"m just not sure what to do. I still care and miss him.. but I cannot continue with this. Shoudl I just put distance in between us? If I do that, he will text me and say I don't talk to him anymore and become mr whiney pants. He reprimands me for almost everything, and i think it has to do with his insecurity. Even though we are not together... he imagines so many situations in his head. Like that I'm just talking to a guy... that means i'm dating him. Or that I'm doin something for someone, that means I like them. Even if I'm just walking fast... i'm "running" away from him... this is all crazy! I do feel teh distance will help me... I have been physically affected by this relationship, I can't eat, sleep, and my chest hurts so much sometimes and I have so much discomfort. It shouldn't come to that FOr my health, I need space. But I also don't want him to think I don't care.... Please read "Men Who Can't Love." It's the bible on commitmentphobic men. His withdrawal and return when rejected is classic. And it is a pattern with little hope of change. Any time you get close, he will run. How long are you willing to do this for before you put a stop to it by ceasing contact? It's up to you. He can't/won't help you. And you wanting him to think you don' care is kind of a ploy to get him running after you again and start the whole cycle again. Don't let him run this show, because it doesn't have a happy ending.
You'reasian Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Even though we are not together... he imagines so many situations in his head. Like that I'm just talking to a guy... that means i'm dating him. Or that I'm doin something for someone, that means I like them. Even if I'm just walking fast... i'm "running" away from him... this is all crazy! I do feel teh distance will help me... I have been physically affected by this relationship, I can't eat, sleep, and my chest hurts so much sometimes and I have so much discomfort. It shouldn't come to that FOr my health, I need space. But I also don't want him to think I don't care.... If he's doing these things that you say he is doing, then get a little distance. Find a good time to explain this to him and do what you have to do to take care of yourself. You can't be a productive individual without your health.
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