DollWelch Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Men (& Women): Do you consider a girl that purposely lies about her having a boyfriend, a bad apple? How would you feel? I did this to one guy. I had legitimate reasons, though. Reasons, unknownst to him. Although I wasn't aware of reactions that were to unfold, I told him that I indeed do have a boyfriend (I don't). Now, things are different. He doesn't talk to me very much, if at all. Why? What I did, was it bad? I feel awful, yet, sort of good in a peculiar way.
Stockalone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 ... I told him that I indeed do have a boyfriend (I don't). Now, things are different. He doesn't talk to me very much, if at all. Why? What else should he have done? Try harder? Most men, at least the decent guys, will consider a woman who is in a relationship, to be off limits. And a woman who is in a relationship, but is willing to date other people behind her bf's back (I would call it cheating), doesn't exactly look like a good catch. It also depends on when you told him that there is a bf. Did you mention that after you went on a couple of dates or as soon as he asked you out? What I did, was it bad? I feel awful, yet, sort of good in a peculiar way. That depends on why you lied to him and if you actually would like to date him or not. If it was a game (wanting him to try harder) that backfired, then an apology and telling him the truth might help. If you only miss the attention but have no intention of dating him, then it's just a bruised ego and you should let it go.
Trimmer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 This is a little bit cryptic... So you told him you had a boyfriend, when you really didn't? And now he is reacting "differently." My question is: does he still think you have a boyfriend, or does he know you were lying? If he thinks you have a boyfriend and doesn't know you're lying, then he is probably backing off out of respect - what else would you expect? If he knows you were lying, then he is left trying to figure out why you would have lied to him. (Why would you have lied like this? You have only told us that it was a "legitimate reason," but you didn't say what that was.) Without further information, he probably concluded that you were trying to keep him at a distance - like a single waitress wearing a fake wedding ring so customers don't come on to her. And aside from that, he may have no time or energy for someone who lies to him. It seems pretty clear - for whatever reason, and whether he knows it was a lie or not, you put up a wall. Why are you surprised that he has backed off? Was it bad? Only if you are intending to cultivate friendships based on honesty. If that's not important to you, then why do you care? You feel awful, but good about it at the same time? What part of it would make you feel good? Does this feed a hunger for drama in your life? If it was a game (wanting him to try harder) that backfired, then an apology and telling him the truth might help. Or it may not - knowing you are a game player may be a deal breaker for a straightforward guy, and no amount of groveling, etc. may be sufficient to turn him back around. Again, whether he now knows you lied, or whether he still thinks you have a boyfriend, either way, from his perspective, he believes that he already knows what he needs to know about you.
prettybaby Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 ^^ I couldn't have worded it better and I totally co-sign the entire post.
Stockalone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Or it may not - knowing you are a game player may be a deal breaker for a straightforward guy, and no amount of groveling, etc. may be sufficient to turn him back around. That's why I wrote it might help. Obviously, there is no guarantee that it will. But I believe that an apology (if she is truly sorry) will improve the odds compared to doing nothing and could also help her to feel less awful about lying to him. I was taken aback about her feeling good too, but maybe it just sounded worse than it is, once she explains it.
kashmir Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I absolutely hate when girls lie or are not clear about their boyfriend status. You'll hardly ever meet a girl who's 100% single when really a lot of them are indeed single, they just don't want to admit it for whatever twisted reason. A girl tells me she has a boyfriend. The only thing I'd want out of her is sex if she's willing to cheat on him, because that's all she deserves to be. If she's lying, then she's still only good for sex. I don't want to be serious with someone who lies about such stupid things, or someone who thinks she can manipulate me with such bullcrap.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Try as I might, I can't think of any valid reason to lie about having a b/f, if you're interested in the guy. One invalid reason would be playing the jealousy game but when does that really work for functional and mature relationships?
alphamale Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Men (& Women): Do you consider a girl that purposely lies about her having a boyfriend, a bad apple? not really, its just a nice way of women getting rid of men they're not interested in. even i have, on occasion, told an aggressive female that i'm seeing someone (when i wasn't) to let her down easy.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 not really, its just a nice way of women getting rid of men they're not interested in. I agree.
Stockalone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I agree. Sure, but as TBF has mentioned: You use that to get rid of a guy. If that is what the OP wanted, she wouldn't suddenly wonder why he hardly talks to her anymore.
SushiX Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Oh God what a rediculous thread! What did you expect when you told him you had a bf? Do you expect him to waste more time with you? Unless he's just looking for a friend then I don't think he'll hang around much.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Sure, but as TBF has mentioned: You use that to get rid of a guy. If that is what the OP wanted, she wouldn't suddenly wonder why he hardly talks to her anymore.Yes, I know. I think she changed her mind later. Well, the best thing now is to lie that she broke up with the imaginary BF. If she tells him that she lied, he will think that she didn't like him then, which means she isn't 100% into him now either. I know of a case where a woman met a guy and told him she didn't feel the chemistry (he liked her). The next day, she called him and told him she was willing to give it a chance. But he wasn't interested anymore. We all want people who are enthusiastic about being with us.
SushiX Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Yes, I know. I think she changed her mind later. Well, the best thing now is to lie that she broke up with the imaginary BF. If she tells him that she lied, he will think that she didn't like him then, which means she isn't 100% into him now either. I know of a case where a woman met a guy and told him she didn't feel the chemistry (he liked her). The next day, she called him and told him she was willing to give it a chance. But he wasn't interested anymore. We all want people who are enthusiastic about being with us. Why do women like playing these games? Then they wonder why the guy isn't interested anymore. WTF, how retarded is that!?
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Why do women like playing these games? Then they wonder why the guy isn't interested anymore. WTF, how retarded is that!?Men play games, too. I think it's a form of defense mode and fear of rejection.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 This is sort of a strange thread. If a girl says she has a bf and the guy continues seeing her, isn't that the same thing as jumping from branch to branch looking for something better? I didn't really understand if there is a bf and lied about it, or didn't have a bf but like and said you did.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 RP, why would she compound one lie with another lie? Just move on if you've fracked up 'cause sooner or later, it will all come out in the wash when you slip up.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I think the first question is what are these “legitimate reasons”? Secondly, why active on a dating website claiming to have a bf? The only reasons I can think of are that you were dating someone but not in an exclusive relationship, you had unresolved feelings towards someone, or you were not interested and you just said that you had a bf to avoid the discussion altogether. Even when/if I’m approached and I’m not dating someone, if there are any unresolved feelings, I am adamant in mentioning that. A couple months back I was approached by a guy when out with friends and he asked for my number, I explained the same thing. But I don’t say “I have a bf”. If I have a bf, then I say "I have a bf"!
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 RP, why would she compound one lie with another lie? Well, apparently lying comes spontaneously to her.
Author DollWelch Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I have read everyone's reply, I'm going to try to respond and tackle as many points as I can. To clarify a few things: If he thinks you have a boyfriend and doesn't know you're lying, then he is probably backing off out of respect - what else would you expect? I expected otherwise. Something else, actually. I expected that he'd treat me the same way as he always has. I don't see how the "Backing Off" is done out of respect. Again, you're assuming, that he's doing this to appear less interested in me, due to the boyfriend. This only suggests that he is AFTER ALL interested in me, and doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship I have with him. Isn't it much more logical to NOT back off, and show me that he is truly not affected by me having a boyfriend? Backing off, just shows me that he cares in that respect. Try as I might, I can't think of any valid reason to lie about having a b/f, if you're interested in the guy. I want to be honest about this. I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding. I have never lied about my dating status to men in the past. I'm not one to play mind games, at all. That being said, in THIS particular situation though, I did so under some personal conditions. He asked me out a few weeks ago, and I declined. From the very beginning he and I have had a strictly platonic relationship, or so I THOUGHT. He did ask me if I had a boyfriend, and in the heat of the moment, I panicked. I said yes, simply because: (1) I'm not attracted, nor interested in him. (2) I THOUGHT he understood the first time around when I declined his date (apparently not) so I couldn't come up with a better reason to politely allow him to stop showing interest in me. As of recently, I have felt awful and sad about it, because I can see he has retracted away from me. He isn't as engaging and fun as before. I really thought he'd let it pass, and things between he and I would remain the same -or at least progress as usual. However, whenever I see him (in person, NOT dating website), everything feels awkward. I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that it was wrong of me to lie about this, but it's a done deal; I can't go back and fix it. I'm not entirely sure on how I should treat him, or whether I should tell him the truth and apologize.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Ahh...okay. I thought you lied about the boyfriend and then decided that you shouldn't have because you LIKED the guy. Now I'm seeing that it was to get him to back off from asking you out, but you wanted to remain friends with him. I get it. Well, he's obviously not interested in just being friends. If he liked you enough, it could feel awkward to him to try and turn off his feelings for you to just be buddies.
Trialbyfire Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 DollWelch, there's nothing you can do about this situation. He deserves some space so he can collect his dignity. If he chooses not to be friends with you, you have to respect that. Any attempt to make him feel better or be very friendly, could easily be misconstrued as interest or gaming. Back off until or if he approaches you in a friendly way.
norajane Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 As of recently, I have felt awful and sad about it, because I can see he has retracted away from me. He isn't as engaging and fun as before. He's looking for a gf, not a friend. That's why he was trying to be engaging and fun in the first place. Since you're no longer an option, he doesn't care to try to win you over anymore.
movingonandon Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Men (& Women): Do you consider a girl that purposely lies about her having a boyfriend, a bad apple? How would you feel? I did this to one guy. I had legitimate reasons, though. Reasons, unknownst to him. Although I wasn't aware of reactions that were to unfold, I told him that I indeed do have a boyfriend (I don't). Now, things are different. He doesn't talk to me very much, if at all. Why? What I did, was it bad? I feel awful, yet, sort of good in a peculiar way. "Bad apple" is a little too mild. Except in rare cases of long-lasting friendships or complete lack of sexual interest, men do not want to be your friends. The ones that do are either gay or harbor the idea of getting into your pants eventually. I'm just sayin' . SO, "I have a boyfriend" is a no brainer indicator to redirect our energies elsewhere
SushiX Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 As of recently, I have felt awful and sad about it, because I can see he has retracted away from me. He isn't as engaging and fun as before. I really thought he'd let it pass, and things between he and I would remain the same -or at least progress as usual. However, whenever I see him (in person, NOT dating website), everything feels awkward. I don't know how to handle this situation. I understand that it was wrong of me to lie about this, but it's a done deal; I can't go back and fix it. I'm not entirely sure on how I should treat him, or whether I should tell him the truth and apologize. You expect everything to remain the same and everything progresses as usual after you lie to him that you had a bf? That doesn't make sense. I think telling him the truth would be a good start.
Trimmer Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 DollWelch, there's nothing you can do about this situation. He deserves some space so he can collect his dignity. If he chooses not to be friends with you, you have to respect that. Any attempt to make him feel better or be very friendly, could easily be misconstrued as interest or gaming. ... or pity. Having "put himself out there" may have been a significant risk for him, so to get rejected may have been embarrassing. "Collecting his dignity" is right. Either he's relatively unaffected, and just isn't interested any more and is moving on, or he's embarrassed and licking his wounds. Again, even with this new information, I'm still interested in whether he knows you lied about having a boyfriend. It seems like even if there were a platonic friendship to continue fostering, this deception would eventually factor in somehow...
Recommended Posts