SadShamrock Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Oh ok. I'm so stupid. I guess I had to take my final curtsy before the curtain closed. I said WTF and I laid it on the line with my ex- who I have recently become friendly with again. He has been sort of rude to me lately. He'll call me once or twice a day- say something rude or make fun of me about something, and then he'll say I have to go. Up until recently, he and I were getting along so well. We'd talk for hours just about everything. But he's been mean lately, and I'm not sure why I was even nice to him or what I opened up to him- but I just wanted to get it off my chest. When he and I have these moments when we are close- I get so drawn to him. But his mood swings....are really hard to deal with....he'll treat me like he adores me one day...and like I'm a hateful, spiteful lunatic the next. Tonight- I said to him- Listen. I have been really wanting to say something to you since we started talking. When you and I talk sometimes, it's hard for me not to feel something. Sometimes, I feel like I like you again (I know it sounds so Elementary school).... It took a lot of courage. His reply? Do what? What are you talking about? I'm not going to remember this at all. He was stoned. Anyway. I want to erase him from my life. I just want to forget him and I don't want to remember anything good, bad, neutral, meaningful, meaningless...about him. I don't want to love him. I don't want to hate him. I just wish he was gone. I wish I never met him. I wish I never talked to him. I just want him to go away so I can just stop feeling. I know you aren't supposed to wish people away. I just want to forget him though, because I don't want to worry about him, us, or anything anymore. He's been a total ******* lately, and I had suspicions that he was smoking again. It was a perfect way to confirm that, and just another red flag that has been hitting me in the face for YEARS. I just wanted so bad for him to be the person he is sometimes. Why can't he be that person? Or why can't that person stop coming to me when he misses me? I feel like he is a bipolar alocholic pothead jerk. I just feel like melting into my bed tonight and sleeping so soundly that i forget him tomorrow. There are so many things that are good in this life and I have wasted half my life chasing the worst part of my life. I'm sorry for being so annoying about this. The one good thing- if he does remember- he won't call again. He'll wait till Christmas- then call me... why can't i break away from this? He has said the most horrible things to me this week....and I tell him- that I like him- as if we have this fun, innocent relationship- we don't. He is a misogynist and a loser. Please help me.
EmperorR Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 You have to go no contact its the only way, its hard at first but every day you will feel a little bit better. You deserve better than this scum.
Author SadShamrock Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Emperor, thank you for your response. i actually wish there was someone physically here who could confiscate my phone. I thought about breaking it, so I can't call him- but then I can't call anyone and no one can get in touch with me... The most pathetic part. I just looked back on threads I have written in the last year. I have almost identical posts from exactly 1 year ago . is it possible that he could have a mental illness where he feels compelled to mess with my head at this time of year? I know that sounds stupid, but he was so nice to me- and he just said such gross things to me lately, and I still told him that I liked him- I thought if I was honest- he'd be nice to me. That sounds so stupid and crazy. Thank god...no one here knows me.
EmperorR Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Emperor, thank you for your response. i actually wish there was someone physically here who could confiscate my phone. I thought about breaking it, so I can't call him- but then I can't call anyone and no one can get in touch with me... The most pathetic part. I just looked back on threads I have written in the last year. I have almost identical posts from exactly 1 year ago . is it possible that he could have a mental illness where he feels compelled to mess with my head at this time of year? I know that sounds stupid, but he was so nice to me- and he just said such gross things to me lately, and I still told him that I liked him- I thought if I was honest- he'd be nice to me. That sounds so stupid and crazy. Thank god...no one here knows me. I know it's hard, I was the same I had to literally leave my cell phone at home when I went to work, literally change all my email passwors and store them ontop of a closet. And that what exes do, change so quickly, my ex was nice at one point next was a mean b*tch. That's why you should go NC, stop being disrespected, don't answer when he calls etc. and heal yourself it's the onyl way, you can still like your ex love your ex but telling them is the worst thing ever, because to him he still has control he can continue being mean disrespecting you treatling you like crap,b ecause he knows you'll take it and always be there.
sedgwick Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I feel like he is a bipolar alocholic pothead jerk. I'm bipolar and I smoke. Don't drink, but still. I'd like to think I've done fairly well in life despite those things.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I agree with Emp, that this is generally a control issue. Some people really crave that feeling of having power over someone. You are giving him this power by still trying to be with him, and once he sees it, he withdraws because his mission is accomplished. "I still got her". It's not fair to you and the only way you can get past this is to go total NC, and commit to it. Someday, you will completely rebuild your life and this will just be a speed bump in the road. Doesn't seem like it now, but you will get through. Try to stay strong and don't call him.
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