SmokeyJay Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I'm 23, my gf is 22, we've known each other since we were 16 but only began to date a few months ago. Anyways something happened recently and I'm not sure how to handle it. We don't live together, so sometimes late at night we talk online. Last night I was at home and I got tired early and ended up falling asleep around 8pm. I wake up a couple hours later around 1am and sign on, she was on so I said hi. Anyways, we got to talking and I come to find out she is at another guy's house, a guy named John, who is single. Now she's never ever spoken to me about a guy with this name, and it's also 1am so I get to asking her what is going on. She claims this guy is a friend of hers and he is going to Iraq in a few days and she was saying goodbye before he leaves. She said they watched a movie and fell asleep for a bit. I kind of didn't know what to say..we talked until 2am and then she went back to sleep for a few hours before driving home. I woke up this morning with the full realization of what actually happened. My gf just spent the night at some guys house. I had never heard of this guy, she nor any of her friends had ever mentioned him. I looked on her myspace but found no John. However, I did find something of interest. She posted one of those survey's where you answer various questions about yourself, one question was "who is the last person to make you laugh" and her answer was John. I dunno, this really bugged me. I told her it wasn't right what she did and that I can't help but feel she messed around with this guy. She keeps throwing the Iraq card in my face, saying stuff like "oh he might die in Iraq." I dont trust her because earlier in the relationship she lied about her ex bf..told me they weren't in touch anymore when they occasionally were on myspace. That whole situation is over and I know for sure she has nothing to do with him now..but this situation has thrown me off, I don't know what to think. She isn't the type to do something like this..but I also have a hard time believing she had to spend the night with this guy. She swears she has no feelings for him..and is actually mad at me for thinking she did something. Any thoughts?
Bryanp Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Did she cheat? Is the Pope a Catholic? The problem is that she lied to you previously about the ex-boyfriend. Here she spend the night at this other guy's house. You know where she slept. She writes in the facebook that the last guy to make her laugh was this guy and she never told you about him. Look she said that this guy is going to Iraq and might die. The fact that she said this in all probability means that she gave him sympathy sex at the very least. I think you would have to be in denial not to believe this and the fact that she lied to you previously about her ex. If the roles were reversed and you told your girlfriend a good female friend is leaving the country so you are going to spend the night at her house; what do you think she would be thinking? I am sorry but I think down deep you know at the very least they messed around. I think you need to ask yourself why you would want to have a girlfriend who lies to you about her ex boyfriend and spends the night at another guy's home before he leaves the country?
lkjh Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Im not sure if she did anything with him but what she did is wrong. She is acting guilty by getting mad and going on the defense. Don't let her turn this around on you. Yes he is going to Iraq but that does not mean she has to sleep at his house and go on what seems like a date. If you have only been together for a couple of months and she has already lied and pulled this; it may be time to cut her loose. Good luck
movingonandon Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I'm always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, but still this does not look right. If this guy is going to Iraq, why is he spending his LAST NIGHT in the country alone with your girl. Why not with his family, or if they are not around - with his buddies - good luck etc. etc. etc. Add to this the secrecy, and previous lying, does not look very good to me. It still does not mean that she actually slept with him, but the whole thing is at the very least disrespectful to you... The only thing you can do is to confront her - but only rationally and calmly - with the questions and the implications above, and see how she handles it. You will never be able to get 100% assurance, but at least carefully observe how she reacts and what she tells you, then you decide for yourself if you can trust her. My point is that she can't make you trust her - you need to decide that for yourself based on what you see...
Author SmokeyJay Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I honestly don't know what to do..she claims she only spent the night because she got there after 11pm..and was extremely tired and didn't want to get into an accident. She has actually gotten into a car accident before because she tried to drive when she was tired..but I still don't know..she claims she fell asleep on one couch and him on the other..when I confronted her about the fact she never really mentioned him..she said they used to hang out a long time ago, but recently they only occasionally spoke online. I would have an easier time believing her if she hadn't lied about her previous ex..who by the way..the ex she lied about? she claims he raped her several years ago..so I dunno..
lkjh Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Man, thats a lot of baggage for a new relationship.
Ayemtee Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 The dishonesty factor is alot to look at. Would she have told you about stayin over at this guy's house if you didn't wake up to IM her? If John is going to Iraq I doubt his last night would be spent with your GF but with others such as family. I mean I hate to be a bearer of bad news but her stayin over at John's crib without you ever knowing or hearing about it is pretty shady. She couldn't call and tell you she was going to be there? She could stay online and IM in the middle of the night but couldn't call to let you know where she was at? Looks to me like she's hiding something and there's a reason why the whole shibang remained hidden to your knowledge until you caught her at in the middle of the night. Nobody can tell you what to do with your GF, you just gotta lay out all the factors on the mat and take a good look at them and decide what's best for your interest. The more time you give her to build up a good backstory to it the more she'll be prepared for when you confront her over this. Throw her a curveball, give her unexpected questions. Don't ask her how she knew this guy, ask her what kinda couch she slept on, what the movie was about, things she wouldn't have thought through if she were lying about the situation.
Morgenstern Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Idk id be alarmed and be on the look out. Now you can go one of two ways. Keep your cool, respect her and just keep a watch or you can falt out go sherlock homes and spy. Id say take it with a grain of salt. Until you can prove it, dont acuse her.
Gremio Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Trust and communcation are the KEY to a relationship. It seems to me you lack both in yours, therefore there is no relationship. In my opinion, I can't see it going anywhere. I went through this before. Ups and downs in the beginning, and there years later, we were no longer together, and I was somewhat kicking myself for not doing something about it sooner.
motive2002 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 If you do not have faith in your girlfriend, have it in yourself. Here is some advice I wish I had taken many times: Trust your gut-feeling. In my experience, more often than not, it is right on the money.
Fun2BMe Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Soldiers who are about to get deployed usually want sex before they leave, so I am sure that's why she was there, especially since she was keeping it from you and had never told you about him. Why else would she be spending the night with him?
norajane Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Why was she on his computer at his house at 1am IMing with you and whoever else? She had to have logged onto her own IM for you to see her on...guess she wasn't having sex with him at that point! Story sounds fishy, but I don't really know what to make of it.
Walk Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Part of me thinks if she did have sex, it must've sucked if she was already online less then 2 hours after getting to his house. One of those wham bam, and done types or something. Either way, I think a discussion about boundaries should be brought up. I can't understand how someone in a relationship would think that was appropriate though. Ever. I'd question their maturity, their desire to be in a relationship, and their IQ. You'd really have to be brain dead to think that wouldn't deeply hurt your relationship (and your SO).
movingonandon Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 If you do not have faith in your girlfriend, have it in yourself. Here is some advice I wish I had taken many times: Trust your gut-feeling. In my experience, more often than not, it is right on the money. So true... I had such a unshakeable trust in my ex that I didn't bother to even think anything of her hanging out with weasel she dumped me for for at least two months. Then, gut feeling kicked in - I'm still pretty sure that she didn't technically cheat on me, but that's irrelevant once you start talking to somebody about as much as to your bf Anyway: an episode similar to the OPs from the time I started to get increasingly irritated with their "hanging". Dude in question spends the night in her room one night because supposedly he was too drunk to drive. Now, she lives with roommates, and insists that a friend of hers also slept in the room, but I've actually never had (or bothered to collect) enough evidence if this story checks out. Even if it did, it is still grossly inappripriate and disrespectful for a woman in a commited relationship to have dude sleeping in her room :bunny: Anyway, basically my gut feeling may have told me what's going to happen even before she was aware of it. I've been told that I have a woman's intuition
absgutted3x Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I agree with some of the other posts, although i dont know if i had just had sex with someone when i was in a relationship would i be able to talk to my partner just after??? is she an ice queen? only you know mate!!
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I would have an easier time believing her if she hadn't lied about her previous ex..who by the way..the ex she lied about? she claims he raped her several years ago..so I dunno.. She sounds crazy. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Did she cheat? Can't tell you yes or no, however if my GF did the same thing dumping her would be a no-brainer.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'm 23, my gf is 22, we've known each other since we were 16 but only began to date a few months ago. Anyways something happened recently and I'm not sure how to handle it. We don't live together, so sometimes late at night we talk online. Last night I was at home and I got tired early and ended up falling asleep around 8pm. I wake up a couple hours later around 1am and sign on, she was on so I said hi. Anyways, we got to talking and I come to find out she is at another guy's house, a guy named John, who is single. Now she's never ever spoken to me about a guy with this name, and it's also 1am so I get to asking her what is going on. She claims this guy is a friend of hers and he is going to Iraq in a few days and she was saying goodbye before he leaves. I'll bet thats not the only going away present she gave him. She can say goodbye to him at decent hours of the evening. She said they watched a movie and fell asleep for a bit. I kind of didn't know what to say..we talked until 2am and then she went back to sleep for a few hours before driving home. She keeps throwing the Iraq card in my face, saying stuff like "oh he might die in Iraq." Don't let her snow you. her worried about him dying in Iraq doesn't excuse her staying the night with him. Ya ya, I know, that doesn't mean they did anything. Oh please. Never would I stay the night at a supposed female friend's place and not expect to get kicked out the door by my girlfriend the very next day. She isn't the type to do something like this..but I also have a hard time believing she had to spend the night with this guy. If a female friend was going away for a while, risk of death or not, I'd be organizing a going away get together for her, including my sig. other, and we'd go out as a group. If I had to see her in person, I'd be leaving at a decent hour. And spending the night is inappropriate. She swears she has no feelings for him..and is actually mad at me for thinking she did something. Any thoughts? There you have it. She is mad at you for having those thoughts. You think she'd not wonder if you shagged another girl if you spent the night at her house? Well, maybe you should stay the night at another girl's house and see how she likes it. I bet she doesn't give you the same consideration she wants when she does it. If a woman of mine had concerns that I was with another woman, I wouldn't be getting mad at her, I'd be giving her as much understanding as I could to make her realize that I don't cheat. her getting mad at you for being rightfully concerned about her inappropriately spending the night with another guy is a big red flag.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Man, thats a lot of baggage for a new relationship. I agree. Its not worth it. Find a girl that doesn't feel the need to sleep at another guy's house and one that realizes how inappropriate it is.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Trust and communcation are the KEY to a relationship. It seems to me you lack both in yours, therefore there is no relationship. So this is all in his head and he is wrong for feeling the way he does? Well then, I suppose that gives him a green light to crash at other girl's pads then, right? Afterall, he is suppose to trust her spending the night with another man, she should be completely understanding if he does the same. Whaddya wanna make a bet that wouldn't fly with her?
Author SmokeyJay Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 I feel I should point some things out. First of all she didn't technically spend his LAST night here with him. He shipped out Friday morning..Thursday was thanksgiving so wednesday was her last day to see him. She didn't go there with the intent to sleep over. She worked late and the only time she could get over there was 11. It's a long drive and she was really tired..and she fell asleep. She did tell me flat out she would of been upset if I did what she did..she says she completely understands why I'm mad. We've had several long talks and..I do believe she didn't do anything with him, although obviously she showed bad judgement. I know obviously there is a chance she did, but I have to take a leap of faith..and I'm going to, my gut is telling me that she did not do anything with him, I mean she didn't even have to say anything about it to me, I wouldn't of even known she was there. We have established boundaries..and we've talked about what is and isn't disrespectful. I've told her if anything suspicious happens again we are over for good. I know I'm taking a risk, but my gut is telling me that I should give this relationship a chance.
lkjh Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I don't know if she cheated but use some common sense. She has been with you for a couple of months and so far she has lied about seeing an ex-bf and she spent the night at some guys house. He called her for a booty call. I dont know if they did it but its your call. Your relationship is fresh and you already taking a leap of faith.
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I know obviously there is a chance she did, but I have to take a leap of faith..and I'm going to, my gut is telling me that she did not do anything with him, I mean she didn't even have to say anything about it to me, I wouldn't of even known she was there. We have established boundaries..and we've talked about what is and isn't disrespectful. I've told her if anything suspicious happens again we are over for good. I know I'm taking a risk, but my gut is telling me that I should give this relationship a chance. Very good. With this type of handling it you're miles ahead of some people here (including myself).
mental_traveller Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 IMO there's a chance she cheated, but with one instance you can't be sure. That's how cheaters get away with it. However, I think simply her staying over at another guy's place is enough reason to break up by itself. It shows a lack of concern for your feelings and reputation. It's your call, but in your shoes I would dump her, that why I don't even have to worry about whether she's a cheat or not.
Gremio Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 So this is all in his head and he is wrong for feeling the way he does? Well then, I suppose that gives him a green light to crash at other girl's pads then, right? Afterall, he is suppose to trust her spending the night with another man, she should be completely understanding if he does the same. Whaddya wanna make a bet that wouldn't fly with her? That's not what I mean at all. I'm saying that if you don't trust someone, get rid of them. There is no point is being in a relationship with someone who is shady. BTW I love Dexter, just watched the latest episode. It's got me hooked!
Dexter Morgan Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I feel I should point some things out. First of all she didn't technically spend his LAST night here with him. He shipped out Friday morning..Thursday was thanksgiving so wednesday was her last day to see him. She didn't go there with the intent to sleep over. She worked late and the only time she could get over there was 11. It's a long drive and she was really tired..and she fell asleep. She did tell me flat out she would of been upset if I did what she did..she says she completely understands why I'm mad. We've had several long talks and..I do believe she didn't do anything with him, although obviously she showed bad judgement. I know obviously there is a chance she did, but I have to take a leap of faith..and I'm going to, my gut is telling me that she did not do anything with him, I mean she didn't even have to say anything about it to me, I wouldn't of even known she was there. We have established boundaries..and we've talked about what is and isn't disrespectful. I've told her if anything suspicious happens again we are over for good. I know I'm taking a risk, but my gut is telling me that I should give this relationship a chance. *sigh* Ok my man. Looks like she has you where she wants you. Good luck with that.
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