Whats wrong with me :(

[SarahT111]

Can someone help me unscramble my head!!!

 

Why do I still miss him so much?!

 

Whats wrong with me!!

 

I wake up crying every morning and still just go round day to day depressed.

I try my best to go out and stay busy but deep down I feel SO sad and lonely. I CANT get him off my mind despite all my best efforts. I put a big smile on my face so everyone thinks im ok but underneath it all im desperatly unhappy and alone.

 

But .. I feel like I have no right to feel this way.

My ex and I weren't together nearly as long as some of the people on here, it was LD, we weren't engaged or had kids involved etc.

 

The first stage of our realtionship was amazing, and after the awful split from my first love it was the first time I had been truly happy in over a year.

He did all the chasing and told me he had liked me for years.

 

But ofcourse he changed

He got angry ALL the time for no reason, stopped asking about me or caring about me, it even got to the point where he would ignore me for days on end then snap at me when I tried to talk to him. He was so rude and nasty and it broke my heart.

I tried EVERYTHING possible to make him happy but I just couldnt and it drained me. Eventually I rung him and asked if he would try a bit harder and he said , 'no coz im lazy and a dick' so we broke up.

 

A week or so later at a party another MALE approached me and told me my ex wasn't straight. He told me of an affair they had before we got together, he showed me pictures and txts they had exchanged. I was shattered. He said nothing physical had happened between them but my ex confessed he really liked him and had invited him to stay with him.

 

I feel like I was a cover up as he freaked out that he was gay and ran to the nearest girl.

I have known my ex for years and years and he has only ever had gfnds but alot of people do think he is gay when they first meet him.

 

Anyway that is besides the point, I just feel so shattered. I have gone NC since the split 2.5 weeks ago and he hasn't talked to me either.

I keep hearing info that he is great, really happy and having big successes in his life.

He has told all our mutual friends that he broke up with me because he couldn't give me the attention he wanted to, and they all thought he was a saint for ending it.

This annoys me so much as he would send me one txt every 4 or so days!!! Ofcourse he could have givn me more attention if he wanted. I NEVER harrased him either, if he didn't reply I wouldnt send another message.

 

Only I know the real reason he ended it. Its so obvious hes not straight, there were so many warning signs (ie he could NEVER perform) and I just dismissed them.

 

So with all this why do I still miss him like hell? How is it fair that he gets to be all happy and everyone thinks hes a saint when I know better.

I feel like ive been walked all over.

But deep down I keep longing he will change his mind and come back to me.

Whats wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!

[replicator]

What's there to like about this guy? Sorry, but I don't understand. He's attracted to other men, treated you poorly, and couldn't perform.

 

Do you miss him? Or miss having someone who made you feel desired?

 

Either way, rejection really hurts - it's normal to feel the way you do. Give it some time, and I bet you'll feel as though you dodged a bullet. Why would you want to be tied down to a guy who you know there is no future with? Now you're free to find the right man, who wants you as much as you want him.

[SarahT111]

I know, I dont understand either!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is wrong with me!!

I genuinely just feel depressed and I miss him so much! I wake up and I feel like someone has stabbed me!

I thought after we broke up I would be happy but I just cant seem to be!

We had alot of really good times (before he started treating me like crap) and I just feel like I wont be able to connect with someone like that again!

Ive never had so much fun with someone like that before (even tho it did only last literally 2 months before he changed)

 

I just dont know whats wrong with me, he was hurting me every single day and then turned out to be gay (I think) so shouldn't I be celebrating that I got out of that??!!!!!

 

Im guessing no one will reply cause you will all think im an absolute nutbag, but I cant controll what im feeling and im trying to make sense of it so I can move on!!

 

I kind of feel like the ground has been pulled out from underneath me, this guy was my bestfriend for years, then we fell in love (or so I thought) and it seemed like a fairy tale. It seemed set in stone. Now I feel like I have been lied to and that I was just a cover up for his big identity crisis!!

 

I dont know anymore

[aiina]

Hello Sarah

 

There is nothing wrong with you. At two months you are at the 'fascination' stage on a relationship, where you see the other person as you want to and not how they are.

But that's being in love, isn't it? seeing the other as we want and need them to be.

 

If he had doubts about his sexual identity, he was feeling worse than you are feeling now, believe me. Or go ask any friend of yours that have been through the same situation.

 

Fall in love with yourself, best mind state for every woman is when we are in love. We look nicer, we dress better, we smile often, we play love songs that make us cozy, we see love all around us.

 

We can't change other people and we can not figure what they are thinking about. No matter how hard you try or how many people you ask for advice: we'll never know what they really feel or think.

But you know how YOU feel now, so take care of yourself.

 

Do not feel betrayed, people can't really choose who to fall in love with.

 

cheer up girl

[SarahT111]

Thanks guys

 

Im fighting so hard today not to contact him or do anything stupid!

I feel like absolute crap today!

I Miss him so much, tried to call a few friends but they were all out or at work and no one in my family is talking to me.

Never felt so alone right now. Its like I have a dagger through my heart.

My head is all over the place, I just want answers.

No matter how hard I try I cant stop trying to work out why we broke up.

He gave me no excuse what so ever except that he was 'lazy and a dick'

Who uses that to break up with someone!???!?!?!

 

Id rather he told me I was fat and ugly and he cant stand to be with me! Atleast then Id know!!

 

And then of course I found out about the male affair he had and pieced that together with his inability to perform and came to the conclusion that he was gay. But I guess could be wrong right?

 

Does he sound gay to you guys?

 

Im so desperatly unhappy today.

But why? I have no riight to be.

Why cant I be appreciative of everything I do have?

 

I miss him so much, he has so much going on in his life now and has just had 3 or so really awesome things happen to him (like make the youth olympic team for our sport, and get invited to do a phd with funding).

It just seems so unfair.

I didn't put a foot wrong, I work a million times harder than him and he gets everything.

 

Sigh

[Geishawhelk]

Sarah.

Stop now.

 

You're doing this to you, not him.

 

This is all self-inflicted.

So take a deep breath and tell yourself you're not going to do this to yourself one more moment.

 

It's your choice...........

[SarahT111]

I know I am doing this all to myself, but I actually cant help it!

I wish I could just get him out of my head!!!!!!!

Why am I so insanly attracted to someone who is so arrogant and treated me like crap?!

Then I had to find out through another male that he isn't straight!!

Yet im still wishing and hoping he will change his mind and come back to me!?

 

How do I get him out of my head!!!

I dont at all mean to blow my own trumpet, so please excuse me, but I was the model gf for once!

I stuffed up a past relationship due to my bad behaviour and I was soo determined to get it right this time that I didnt put a foot out of line.

 

So how is this all fair, he treats me like crap & ends up happy with countless amazing oppourtunities coming his way,

And I worked my ass off, treated him like an angel, and I end up heartbroken & feeling like an absolute idiot!!

 

Will these feelings fade?

If so how long?

And what do I do in the mean time?

I cant explain how unhappy I am, even though I should be!

[Trialbyfire]

You've tied this guy up into your self-respect since you became a model g/f, due to your past relationship(s). Do you internally battle with the issue of "my best is not good enough"?

[SarahT111]

Yes because obviously it isn't!

That was the best girl I could be, I couldn't have tried any harder and it just wasn't good enough!!!

So will it be good enough for anyone?

[Trialbyfire]

Perhaps your best isn't good enough for a guy who's in the closet. What girl would be good enough in this situation?

[Geishawhelk]

So will it be good enough for anyone?

Of course not.

Not until it's good enough for you.

[Trialbyfire]

Now I'm going to trash on you, deliberately. Do you feel you've got what it takes to change a man's sexuality? Particularly when he's in denial? That's some high expectation of yourself, don't you think?

[SarahT111]

Now I'm going to trash on you, deliberately. Do you feel you've got what it takes to change a man's sexuality? Particularly when he's in denial? That's some high expectation of yourself, don't you think?

 

hahahaha that is brilliant thanks!

I mean I dont know for sure hes in the closet but that my best bet!

thanks again guys

I was just so down when I wrote all that!

He contacted me today btw, just asked how I was etc.

Best to not answer?

[Trialbyfire]

You're welcome but it really is true. No one can change someone else's sexuality.

 

You're best bet? Come on now. This guy had an affair with an married man. There's no doubt that he's probably gay or possibly bi but refuses to admit it. It's why he trashed the other guy because he can't admit it to himself. Very fracked and confused.

 

I would stay away from him. He's got issues galore. Until he resolves these issues internally, he's just going to jack you around with more mindscrew.

[SarahT111]

Thanks again

 

He asked me how I was and asked about some test I recently sat (which I aced and he failed)

So I replied about the test part (sorry but i couldnt resist) but after that I ignored the rest of his txts.

I feel quite rude when I ignore him so its hard!

 

Why do I still idolise this guy so much tho!?

There are a million better guys than him but im totally stuck on him!

He treated me like crap and he likes guys but I still love him so much!

These feelings just wont go away!!

[Violetta]

I know how you feel. I was in love with a gay man years ago. He was in a gay relationship and I was married. He denied being bi (which I think he was) but at the same time flirted with me and this totally did my head in.. Because we started as v good friends and we were very close, when my feelings developed I felt desperately confused. I think I was being used by him for all sorts of reasons. My self esteem suffered badly because I couldn't control my feelings for him. So, I cut off contact which hurt heaps but not as much as hearing about his love life. Loving someone with a non compatble sexuality is a no-win situation, sorry to say. He will probably try to keep you as a friend if he thinks it is in his interests and he enjoys game playing. This will be torture until you get over him. NC will be easier on you if you can do it. Good luck.