cherryade Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 That is my question. What happens if you're both doing NC? Only you don't know it. And maybe you both want to get back together - but you don't know it...
lofi_tokyo Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 dumpee's do NC to heal dumpers do NC because they want space
Author cherryade Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 This is probably true in most cases. But the dumper could also be giving the dumpee space - they might think that the dumpee doesn't WANT to speak to them rather than is perhaps waiting for them to make first contact. I think it's also possible that the dumper is doing NC to heal - it's probably easier than having contact with someone who's hurting because of what you've done.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Oh yeah, a dumper will go NC to heal. They're hurting too - they've said goodbye to someone who was once a big part of their lives. BUT the difference is, they chose to call things quits. They wouldn't go NC to give the dumpee space is they really wanted them back - because if the dumpee is hurting, then the fasting healing would come from the dumper calling and saying "hi I am so sorry I made the biggest mistake of my life". I don't know of any cases where both parties went NC but wanted eachother back desperately.
SarahT111 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Yes I agree cherryade. My break up was kind of mutual. We have both gone NC since the split (2.5 weeks ago) However it has made me realise I miss him and I want to talk to him again despite what went on, but theres NO WAY I would break NC just incase I get hurt more. But I cant help thinking what it he feels the same way? What if he wants to work things out to but doesn't want to break NC cos he thinks I hate him or I have moved on etc and it will hurt more.?
californiadreaming Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 It's funny that this topic comes up. I in my case am the dumpee, I thought about this yesterday because all day Monday(the day of the break up) & Tuesday I called my ex and mad things worse. After reading that "space" is king I decided to let her be all day yesterday. But last night my mom told me to write her a letter and mail it to her, after my mom mention that her and my ex had talked. So I did that today...LOL, Well I went and dropped the letter off on her car and texted her to go out and get it. I felt that she needed to know where I stand. She textd me back to tell me that she got it. I kinda figured she wouldn't text me again, but atleast she knows where I stand and can contact me when she is ready to talk. Until then I am one sad puppy!
4by4 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Good question. My ex decided to go on a "break" with me but wanted to remain close friends. I decided it was such a poor excuse I decided to break it off completely. I have a feeling she just wanted to be nice with the whole "break" proposal as opposed to letting me go completely. Perhaps she was also hoping to have me around just in case she changed her mind. Either way, there is no chance in hell I am breaking NC although I will be seeing her in a week at a mutual friends' party. I plan to get through it with as little contact as possible but I''ve decided I'll be courteous. I just figured if she wanted me back, my phone would ring and she would tell me how big of a mistake she just made. I doubt she would though and I don't even know if I would say yes to her. I'm actually starting to enjoy NC and new single life. Point is, dumper WILL break the NC routine if he/she wanted you back. Simple as that. Same applies to mutual breakups, if the other person misses you but don't call, it means they still have some feelings but not even enough to contact you and see how you are.. that's not someone you want in your life anyway!
SarahT111 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Hmm Im not so sure, My break up was mutal, but there is no way im breaking NC as I dont want my heart broken more. I miss him so much and have massive urges to contact him but im not going to sit there and beg. My ex is very stubborn and possibly in the same situation, if we ever had fights it was alllways me who came crawlling back to sort things. Its a really tricky situation, there is absolutly no way I will be breaking nc as I couldnt handle anymore hurt, how do I know he doesn't feel the same? I miss him soooooooooo much but I refuse to crawl back and beg, if he doesn't try himself then I will have to move on.
Gere51 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I went NC at the very end of July, and it caught my ex by surprise, since she then proceeded to make several attempts to contact me. Since then, I have heard nothing and probably will not because she is arrogant and full of pride. She's not used to any sort of rejection, and I suppose in a way that's what I did to her. Prior to my initiation of NC she was texting and calling on occasion, even though she ended things. I got tired of having crumbs thrown at me and went NC without telling her.
Author cherryade Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 My situation is this: I'm the dumpee (he's gone off with someone else) and we split on 1st Nov. I called him for 17 secs on 9th Nov to tell him my sister had a baby, and he called me for 59 secs on 19th Nov to ask a favour (!). Other than that it has been complete NC on both sides. The thing is though, that I sent him an email a couple of days after the breakup basically saying that I agreed everything hadn't been perfect and maybe it was for the best and it would be good to talk again soon but we both need space right now. So it's entirely possible that even if he just wants to be "friends" (I'm not sure I'm ok with that right now) he's just waiting for me to make the first move. And I'm not going to. But it would be such a shame to waste our friendship (even if it has been dealt quite a big blow). Also, I think that by doing NC I might actually be making it easier for him to forget about me, esp as its long distance and he has a new gf. Yes, I know the point of NC is to heal, and I am. Slowly. But it is still my deepest desire that one day he realises he did make a mistake, or even just that he misses me. I don't necessarily want that to mean we could get back together - I don't know if I could do that. But I do want to know that ditching our relationship and our years of friendship wasn't as easy as he made it look.
aiina Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 If the dumper loves you and want you back, they will contact you. They might also contact you for their ego, I must write this down as well. They know they are ignoring you (or NC you ,as you prefer) and they know you might be waiting for them to say something, anything. They are living their lives while we are thinking they are thinking/doing what suits us better?
lofi_tokyo Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Also, I think that by doing NC I might actually be making it easier for him to forget about me, esp as its long distance and he has a new gf. Yes, I know the point of NC is to heal, and I am. Slowly. But it is still my deepest desire that one day he realises he did make a mistake, or even just that he misses me. I don't necessarily want that to mean we could get back together - I don't know if I could do that. But I do want to know that ditching our relationship and our years of friendship wasn't as easy as he made it look. I know what you're going through Cherry, because the same thing happened to me - I was in a LDR with my ex, and he found a new girl closer to home. I think, despite me talking to him or not, he would still be happy with his new woman, and think of me less. This is natural: when you find someone new, its exciting, theres electricity - all you can think about is them. Sure, stepping off the scene with NC may make it seem like you're easy to forget - but until this honeymoon period fades between your ex and his new girlfriend, you're not going to be though of very much, regardless of if you keep in contact or not. His eyes are on her for the time being. I also understand the need to know that your ex feels they made a mistake, or that they miss you. I feel it too. The reality I have painfully had to come to accept, however, is that as long as him and the new woman in his life are living problem free, he is not going to bring himself down by asking if leaving me was a mistake, or thinking that he misses chatting with me. Perhaps, and only perhaps, he will miss me months from now, but for the time being there is really nothing I can do to make him think of me. Hes got a new girl to play games with, to laugh with, to hold - all closeby. Why would he think of anything else when hes so happy with her? Your ex will miss you, someday. That doesn't mean he'll come back - but I think we all miss the ones we've left once in a while. Right now however, hes just not in a place to worry too much about you - because hes going through a honeymoon phase with someone, and those are pretty fun and pretty distracting. I'm sorry. The best thing to stop the hurt right now is to be frank and honest with yourself. The end result on your ex's end won't change - if he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. The only thing you can make better now is yourself. Not you and him.
Eyeofthoth Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 "The best thing to stop the hurt right now is to be frank and honest with yourself. The end result on your ex's end won't change - if he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. The only thing you can make better now is yourself. Not you and him." So true. I have been in contact with my ex a little and I know that he thinks about me and misses me -- according to him, quite a lot. I have to admit that it was helpful to me to hear this from him. But the price of it for me was that I also had to hear that he was still with the person he left me for . . . The first time I contacted him he sounded like the other relationship was going really well (disbelief on my part but it is a very long story). The second time he sounded like it might be going less well, or maybe I just read that into the news that his life in general not was going that well . . . And now, I still want to contact him more than anything in the world, but I don't see what is left for me to gain from doing so. I know that I could not bear to be just friends with him, especially if he is still seeing someone else . . . and he told me that even though he really misses me, the reason he does not contact me is that he doesn't want me to think that he wants to get back into the relationship. Therefore I suppose I must assume that if there was any hope for a new future with us ever, if he missed me that much, then he would contact me. I differ a little from other NC preachers in that I do believe that some contact, especially in the early aftermath of a break-up, can be helpful in the letting-go process. I don't think any contact I have made has made things any worse, and I did get some information that I really needed to have. I think you just have to ask yourself, very, very carefully: 1) What is it that you want to hear and what do you think the odds are that you will hear it? 2) What are the risks that you will hear something very painful, and can you deal with that risk? and 3) Have you planned out how you will respond to anything you might hear? If you need to make a call to help you to move on, than make it for that reason and no other. Because the more you can stop thinking about the relationship and the other person and start thinking about your present life, the better. I find it very helpful to worry less about the eventual future and stay more in my immediate or short term future life, because that is where the control lies.
Author cherryade Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I suppose that none of it is news to me - I know that he's the dumper, the ball is in his court and there is nothing in the world I can do that will change anything. I'm not going to contact him - that wasn't my intention when I asked. I haven't got any questions for him. Well I have, but they're not worth asking. I strongly suspect he doesn't have the answers, and past experience says that what he says and what he does are different things, so it wouldn't really provide any closure. Other than grilling him on what the hell he was thinking, what do you say to someone who you loved and trusted but they betrayed you? Nothing. I haven't got anything to say to say to him. And although I miss our non-relationship-related convos, I wouldn't try to initiate those again, because all it would do is prove that we do get on famously and that make me more frustrated that something that can appear so great obviously had a major flaw :-(
mm4184 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 i did NC when my ex left me.. he's the one who said we shouldn't talk for awhile if we wanna become good friends again in the future, etc. then HE contacts me and initiates hanging out again and i'm so weak i give in and things go ok.. but i know we weren't going to get back together (right away). but NOW, i feel like i just messed everything up because i was afraid he was seeing someone else while we were hanging out again so i figured out his PW and snooped through his stuff and he found out.. and is SO PISSED at me because i lied and swore that i didn't but he knows for sure it was me that was checking his e-mail etc. he won't talk to me and even told my sister i did something he can't forgive me for.. he told me he'd talk to me only if i admit it and now that i want to, he still won't contact me... i feel like i just messed it all up but i hope that everything happens for a reason and maybe we just weren't meant to be close again (at least right away) i just hate it because after everything he's done to hurt me, i forgave him.. but i guess to him this is a BIG thing. but it upsets me because it's ONE thing after 3 years of good things and i don't want us to jeopardize that because of a mistake i made.. what should i do??
northstar1 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 "The best thing to stop the hurt right now is to be frank and honest with yourself. The end result on your ex's end won't change - if he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. The only thing you can make better now is yourself. Not you and him." So true. I have been in contact with my ex a little and I know that he thinks about me and misses me -- according to him, quite a lot. I have to admit that it was helpful to me to hear this from him. But the price of it for me was that I also had to hear that he was still with the person he left me for . . . The first time I contacted him he sounded like the other relationship was going really well (disbelief on my part but it is a very long story). The second time he sounded like it might be going less well, or maybe I just read that into the news that his life in general not was going that well . . . And now, I still want to contact him more than anything in the world, but I don't see what is left for me to gain from doing so. I know that I could not bear to be just friends with him, especially if he is still seeing someone else . . . and he told me that even though he really misses me, the reason he does not contact me is that he doesn't want me to think that he wants to get back into the relationship. Therefore I suppose I must assume that if there was any hope for a new future with us ever, if he missed me that much, then he would contact me. I differ a little from other NC preachers in that I do believe that some contact, especially in the early aftermath of a break-up, can be helpful in the letting-go process. I don't think any contact I have made has made things any worse, and I did get some information that I really needed to have. I think you just have to ask yourself, very, very carefully: 1) What is it that you want to hear and what do you think the odds are that you will hear it? 2) What are the risks that you will hear something very painful, and can you deal with that risk? and 3) Have you planned out how you will respond to anything you might hear? If you need to make a call to help you to move on, than make it for that reason and no other. Because the more you can stop thinking about the relationship and the other person and start thinking about your present life, the better. I find it very helpful to worry less about the eventual future and stay more in my immediate or short term future life, because that is where the control lies. This is a great post, and 3 very good questions. Until the ex contacts you and wants to explore getting back together, regardless of the reasons you broke up (they left you for someone else, it was a mutial breakup, distance etc) , then contacting them is a big risk, if you have not fully accepted that it is over and moved on. Anything else nearly always brings more questions, and more pain.
0hpenelope Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I got tired of having crumbs thrown at me and went NC without telling her. I should have done that. OP, since you're both doing NC, it's a good opportunity for you to focus on yourself. You have all the reasons to make an informed assumption that the other won't get in touch with you because of the mutual NC. Make yourself strong.
silverbunny Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Wow, I never thought I'd relate more to posts. I've read most of what everyone has said and feel completely the same. I am the dumpee. He was the dumper. Just withing the last 3 weeks, he's talked to me more than the last 3 months. I don't really sense that he misses me, but he's not very good at hiding things. I say this because his facebook status (yes I am a regular checker of his page, but have learned to think nothing of his statuses because I know for a fact he likes another girl and they're probably about her) ONE time sounded like it referred to me. It was lyrics from a song that said: no one said it didnt hurt and everybody knows it may take a little work, so don't go givin up on the one you love. I think it references to me because a few days before this we had been talking and I sensed that he was lonely. Three days later his status was: realizes he just needs to cry. I sent him one sentence on msn asking if everything was alright. No reply. I sent another reply the next day wishing happy Thanksgiving and hoped things were going better. No reply - even though he was definitely there. I feel he is ignoring me because he feels ashamed, embarassed, and... who knows what else since we split. He's trying to hide that he's happy by partying more. He even told me he was having problems with his best friend over a girl... So. I don't know. I'm telling myself nothing will ever happen. That way I can't be hurt if nothing does happen. "The best thing to stop the hurt right now is to be frank and honest with yourself. The end result on your ex's end won't change - if he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. The only thing you can make better now is yourself. Not you and him." -I can't agree with that more. I'm not going to lie, I hate being single. But I am making the most of what I can do.
Cat66 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 That is my question. What happens if you're both doing NC? Only you don't know it. And maybe you both want to get back together - but you don't know it... Being in the situation Im in, this is a real mind f@#$. LOL. i DON'T want to read into the abyss any more than I already do. Would be great if that was the case tho. Keep us posted
againstallodds Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 That is my question. What happens if you're both doing NC? Only you don't know it. And maybe you both want to get back together - but you don't know it... Cherry keep doing NC and work on yourself. I can assure you in a few more months you won't even think about asking this question anymore. It will be irrelevant as time passes. I am doing NC myself and think about all kind of scenarios and questions when I first started but as time passes I don't ask those questions anymore. Hope this help.
2sure Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 [quote=cherryade;1937746]That is my question. What happens if you're both doing NC? Only you don't know it. And maybe you both want to get back together - but you don't know it... Isn't that basically ALWAYS the reason NC is broken? One party thinks they want to reopen the relationship, so they contact.
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