duffer75638 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Wife and I have been married for 15 years have 2 kids. Three weeks ago my wife blew my mind and told me that she did not love me and after further investigation I found out she had been seeing someone. Fast forward to now and I have moved out of our house and my wife is acting like a zombie. She tells me that she does not know what she wants and acts like this guy is her soul mate. All she has said is she is sorry she has not asked me to come home. She ask me to do things but they are like friendship dates. She is supposed to see a councelor next week to try and sort out her feelings. I think I am going to lose my mind I cant even be angry I am so confused at how I got here. She is telling me that she is not going to be in contact with this guy anymore but it seems that he is always on her mind. Does anyone have any good advise because I am totally lost.
Bryanp Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Why in the world would you move out? She is screwing her boyfriend and puts your health at risk for STD's. I would suggest that you move back in your home. Find out who this OM is and if he is married or has a girlfriend expose this to them. I would expose this to her family and friends. I would also contact an attorney to understand your legal options. She shows no remorse? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.
jointheclub Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Duffer, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Many of us on this board are going through the same type of thing (or have gone through it) and know exactly how horrible it is. It's going to be a rough ride, so hold on, and keep posting so we can check on you. The generic advice in these situations is: make sure your wife has no contact (NC) with the guy (and don't take her word for it -- monitor the phones, email etc., hopefully with her permission) and try to get her to go to marriage counseling. It's a good sign that she's going to individual counseling -- it shows she at least knows she needs help, and hopefully the counselor will stop her from doing anything stupid -- but you need to get her in a situation where she is focusing on your marriage, if you can. I would recommend two books for you, which I have found especially helpful: After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass Of course I can't know how your wife really feels about you and the state of your marriage until now, so I don't want to give you false hope, but both of these books note that it is extremely common for cheaters to doubt their love for their spouses in these situations. Again, obviously sometimes the spouse was extremely unhappy pre-affair and detached from the relationship earlier and hadn't felt love for the spouse in a long time, but sometimes it really is situational. Also, though you of course feel miserable and worried about the future, probably the worst you've ever felt in your life, it's best to remain calm and try to eat and sleep and focus on yourself, which obviously is a lot to ask right now. Though you'll probably want to go the begging and pleading route, this isn't going to work and is going to put her off. The fact that your wife is trying to figure out what's happening with her and is keeping the lines of communication open is somewhat hopeful. Also, keep in mind that all posters here (including me!) have distinct biases, and many have been badly burned. So take everything that's said with a grain of salt. Good luck.
jointheclub Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 BTW, a lot of what I said was based on the notion that you might want to save your marriage. Maybe you don't. Absolutely get yourself tested for STDs, though.
Author duffer75638 Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 thank you for your replys. I will think about what everyone has said. BTW I have two kids and I am very attached to them
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Hi Duffer, I didn't get this: why did she say she wouldn't see the other man anymore? Did they break up? It sounds like he dumped her or she is lying to you. I didn't get the impression that she wants to reconcile with you at this moment. If you want to win her back, here's my advice: I would NOT show any weakness if I were you. Every time she sees you, look great, act as though you feel great, smile, laugh, show her that separating from her was the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't call her except to schedule seeing the kids. Don't ask her anything personal beyond "How are you?" and if she starts telling you about herself, act as if you don't really care to hear, cuz you're too busy with your own life. At the same time, take on a new hobby, start going out, buy some new clothes, date women, and try to enjoy life. You only live once and all this love pain that we feel occasionally during our lifetime is just that - life. If you act like this, she might want you back. If you chase her and beg her and show her that you care or that you're broken, she won't have respect for you. You did a good thing by separating from her; you showed her that she can't get away with cheating. Now continue in the same manner. Make HER beg. The ball is in her court now. If she doesn't do anything, you don't need her.
Reggie Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Hi Duffer, I didn't get this: why did she say she wouldn't see the other man anymore? Did they break up? It sounds like he dumped her or she is lying to you. I didn't get the impression that she wants to reconcile with you at this moment. If you want to win her back, here's my advice: I would NOT show any weakness if I were you. Every time she sees you, look great, act as though you feel great, smile, laugh, show her that separating from her was the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't call her except to schedule seeing the kids. Don't ask her anything personal beyond "How are you?" and if she starts telling you about herself, act as if you don't really care to hear, cuz you're too busy with your own life. At the same time, take on a new hobby, start going out, buy some new clothes, date women, and try to enjoy life. You only live once and all this love pain that we feel occasionally during our lifetime is just that - life. If you act like this, she might want you back. If you chase her and beg her and show her that you care or that you're broken, she won't have respect for you. You did a good thing by separating from her; you showed her that she can't get away with cheating. Now continue in the same manner. Make HER beg. The ball is in her court now. If she doesn't do anything, you don't need her. This is good advice. The worst thing you could do is go doormat. Not sure if moving out was a good idea from a custody standpoint if there is a battle looming. Would she not leave?
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