Surfer Dude Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 There are moments I feel pure hatred for my ex, for all she did to me. I feel sorry that I let her do all those things to me. I want to turn the time back and pay her back for all the pain and grief she intentionally caused me. I don't really wanna send any angry emails to her, but I wish I had dealt with things differently when she started being abusive in the post-breakup period. There's nothing I can do now and I'm aware that this rage is very self destructive, but I can't help feeling this. Right now I wish something terrible happened to her so that I could enjoy it. I'm not a bad person and I really wish no harm to anyone.... but I feel this is beyond my control. I understand this anger and hate come from regretting my own inactions and inability to do anything in the past. Anyone else feeling the same way?
Geishawhelk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I bet you act, re-enact and re-enact certain scenes in your head, over and over.....Changing the circumstances to saying and doing things you wish you'd done at the time. This is called retroactive decisiveness or step-ladder thinking...... IT's the most common trait in the world, I think, and I guess we've all done it.... The "I wish I'd said that" syndrome.... if this is indeed what you're referring to. Big problem though. It doesn't actually help, does it?
Peter_pan Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 yeh thats how i feel and thats what i do as described by the above poster. i do miss her though. im now at this point in time i feared the most, knowing that in x amount of time, this is how i would feel, and that we are just a past memory and i no longer know her. makes me feel so ****.
JooLee Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 this is weird, i was just asking myself the same question, how to deal with it. i know as long as i keep having this spurge of anger i will never really move on, so how do one get pass this? this is certainly beyond my control for now.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 You already know you're more angry at yourself than her. So when are you going to forgive yourself? You do realize you're human and are capable of making mistakes, right? The valuable lesson learned from this experience is what won't you allow next time, with someone else. If you have a boundary, keep to it and find someone who will respect your boundaries.
carhill Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 You'll know you've arrived when you're happy they're gone. Relieved, ecstatic, rejoiced. All they pain they've caused you just rolls off your back as nothing more or less than lessons in living. It's a great feeling The work resides within yourself. Make a plan and execute. This works even if you're still with them. One step at a time
foxh1234 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 IMHO, the sooner you let go of the anger the better. For me, it only made me feel worse to be angry at her. Once I stopped being angry and forgave her, I instantly felt better and healing came much quicker. I also had a very hard time forgiving myself for my part in the relationship, but it was essential to my healing. I completely understand being angry, but the only person we are really hurting is oursleves. 9 times out of ten, our ex's couldn't care less if we are angry or not. At least in my case. Indifference is what I seek and the only way for me to get to that point is to put the past heartache away and focus on me. Any feelings I have for her at this point, keep me a slave to her memory. Hating, missing, longing, remembering, re-playing and what-ifs are not healthy and the sooner we stop them the better.
foxh1234 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 You'll know you've arrived when you're happy they're gone. Relieved, ecstatic, rejoiced. All they pain they've caused you just rolls off your back as nothing more or less than lessons in living. It's a great feeling The work resides within yourself. Make a plan and execute. This works even if you're still with them. One step at a time Hey carhill, I like these words, but I am still not there yet. It has been 9 months and I feel 80 % better, what do I need to do or not do to get to this happy place ?
carhill Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 The one word and perspective I've worked on is "acceptance", which I define as embracing perspectives which I might otherwise disagree with, find personally injurious or painful to myself. Perspectives over which I have no control. Lifting myself out of my own shoes, seeing the "other side" and respecting its value in the world but just not as a path I wish to walk. It's the road to what I call "polite indifference". I measure such time in years, rather than weeks or months. YMMV, of course
Author Surfer Dude Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Insightful stuff. Thanks guys. Yes, I realized that I need to try to forgive both her and myself. I can forgive myself, but forgiving her won't be easy. It will be a real mental exercise. Maybe I could just stop being angry for starters I really wanna do it though. Hate is turning into resentment now, which is much better state of mind, much easier to take. On a side note, she is a very unforgiving person. I remember how she would hold grudges over things so small even for years. Horrible... She never even tried to forgive people and let go of the hate. Never put any effort in it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Just remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to take them back into your life. This is a fallacy. In forgiving her, you let her go and at the same time, stop allowing her to have any power over your emotions. Btw, her inability to forgive could be compounding the problem, in that she holds a grudge/resentment for you in some way, in her heart. This might be why she deliberately tried to hurt you, post break up.
EmperorR Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 yep i feel this every single day, Its like I just want to call her and scream at her or send her one of the hundred draft emails i have cursing her out. Everything she has done to me gets me so angry, how I gave UP basically all of my friends EVERYONE because of her pathetic jealously and then in the end she cheats on me, dumps me, and when im grieivng needing someone to talk to, and I have no one because of her, it gets me SO ANGRY, I've had to go through this all alone, alone on thanksgiving because of her, had to cancel my trip to NYC because of her. I wish I could go back in time to when she told me she cheated on me and just called her every name in the book and go NC. Instead I was a pathetic person begging her back, allowing her to say its my fault that she cheated on me and taking it saying I would change etc. when I was the victim. I didn't even get angry at her because I didn't want to push her away yup pathetic old me. Now I'm angry and I just want to let her know hgow angry but I will not I know i have to let this go but I struggle
foxh1234 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 The one word and perspective I've worked on is "acceptance", which I define as embracing perspectives which I might otherwise disagree with, find personally injurious or painful to myself. Perspectives over which I have no control. Lifting myself out of my own shoes, seeing the "other side" and respecting its value in the world but just not as a path I wish to walk. It's the road to what I call "polite indifference". I measure such time in years, rather than weeks or months. YMMV, of course That makes sense carhill, thanks for this. I will work towards it. Complete and utter indifference and acceptance sounds so great, I am smiling just thinking about it.
Ingenue Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 A few weeks ago, I was dealing with anger over my break up from the ex and how he chose to end it. I remember posting on the board and receiving some solid advice from several posters who recommended that I work through in order to understand it. Rather than suppressing it, I should embrace it or at least acknowledge it. I did exactly that. At some point in our lives, we will all experience anger over a myriad of situations. The important thing is to recognise what we are feeling, understand why we feel that way and more importantly, not act on any strange revenge scenarios we may be entertaining. I've found that in the past few weeks, I've reached a point in my life where enough becomes enough. You cannot rewrite the past. What ex lovers have done or said or have not done or have not said cannot be changed. What can change is the present and how we choose to conduct our lives. No matter how horribly we feel we were wronged, there is dignity in how we react to those wrongs. I may never hear a sincere apology from my ex, one that addresses his accountability in the relationship's demise as well as acknowledging my pain. I can wait until the cows come home and milk themselves, because the likelihood of that happening is fairly slim. What I can do is realise that I am a better person that knows what is wrong and right. I am a better person because I would never do that to my future partner. What I can do for myself is tell myself that the past doesn't matter. I have my whole life to live and whatever comes, will come. But each experience is one we can learn from and those who refuse to learn will inevitably be left behind. So work through your anger, acknowledge it and realise that one day in the (hopefully) near future, all of the past pain and hurt that occupies your mind now, won't even matter because you have chosen to not allow it to matter. You have chosen to let it go. Good luck
TeaAbraham Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Yea, I replay so many scenes and what I could have done. Mean things I could have said if I didn't still think there was a chance she would come back to me. Even when I confronted the two of them together I just couldn't say all the angry things I was thinking in my head. Something about being in the moment makes me want to take the noble road, but by myself I just want to let it at em. I don't mind being angry at them though. I see no reason why I shouldn't. Being upset at them doesn't consume me, however, and I don't delve on it. I wouldn't curse them out if I saw them today, I would personally just pretend like they don't exist. I wouldn't waste my breathe on them anymore. Plus, this anger is mine. I don't want to give it to them in the form of harsh words. It is mine and it is something I have that they can't do anything about. I would prefer that they not see it or even know that it exists. Whenever I get super angry I am reminded of Darth Vader for some reason.
Author Surfer Dude Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Whenever I get super angry I am reminded of Darth Vader for some reason. Hahaha, same here. When rage starts consuming me, I always remember the scene from the EP3 ending, when Anakin (laying on the ground next to molten lava) yells at Obi Wan "I HATE YOU!!!!" Very strong and emotional scene, represents all the emotions one deals with when faced with extreme loss. Good thing me and my ex didn't have lightsabers, haha. Anyways, sorry for the OT.
Author Surfer Dude Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Just remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to take them back into your life. This is a fallacy. In forgiving her, you let her go and at the same time, stop allowing her to have any power over your emotions. Btw, her inability to forgive could be compounding the problem, in that she holds a grudge/resentment for you in some way, in her heart. This might be why she deliberately tried to hurt you, post break up. Yeah, I realized that. I do forgive her though. I'm not going to email her and tell her that I forgive her, I'm just going to do it inside my heart. I already feel better about it. Sometimes I catch myself dwelling on all those terrible things, but as soon as I realize I'm doing it, I just change my thoughts and feelings. This is something that I can control and it's very cool. What an amazing discovery
Teuen101 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 There are moments I feel pure hatred for my ex, for all she did to me. I feel sorry that I let her do all those things to me. I want to turn the time back and pay her back for all the pain and grief she intentionally caused me. I don't really wanna send any angry emails to her, but I wish I had dealt with things differently when she started being abusive in the post-breakup period. There's nothing I can do now and I'm aware that this rage is very self destructive, but I can't help feeling this. Right now I wish something terrible happened to her so that I could enjoy it. I'm not a bad person and I really wish no harm to anyone.... but I feel this is beyond my control. I understand this anger and hate come from regretting my own inactions and inability to do anything in the past. Anyone else feeling the same way? Dude I had the same feelings ! when the rage has passed you should be healed.! Now what worked for me might not work for you so it's up to you if you want to try it.. I put all my hate rage in 2 E-mails and sent them. sure people are gonna say it's not worth it and it dont help anything ..but it did help something .. it helped me..and really thats all that matter is for you to help you're self ! b/c no one else can...so I got all that crap off my chest ! I said all the crap I held back and was able to move on ! i didnt feel like some wurm.. I called her the whore she was like I should have done along time before and it helped me the rage was gone !..sure it sounds crazy.. but its also crazy sitting around begging some one to forgive you for something they did - its also crazy taking blame for stuff they did ...its also crazy crawling like a wurm so they'll forgive you and they don't ! so whats it matter what I say to her- as long as i can heal my self ! but what worked for me might not work for you- so just keep that in mind we're all defrent this might not work for you but it worked for me
JooLee Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 i wish i can do that.. send him a hate mail. but i know him, he will just show it to all his friends and boast about how im still not over him so i would never give him that satisfaction. i jus want somewhere along to show him what a scumbag i think he is. im just waiting for an opportunity.. but then i again i know if i continue being liek this i will never really move on! *(*#$%^&*(&!!!!!!!!! ive let go of him, and that the relationship is over and i forgave him for all dat happened when we broke up..but its how he treated me after we broke up and after i let my feelings out to him that still gets to me. i am not a piece of **** and i dont deserve to be treated that way!!!!!!!!! im so angry that i even dreamt that i told him off! (which did not make me feel any better) i want to get over this but honestly, this time i dont know how! really this i feel is beyond my control... :(
Sysyphus28 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 yep i feel this every single day, Its like I just want to call her and scream at her or send her one of the hundred draft emails i have cursing her out. Everything she has done to me gets me so angry, how I gave UP basically all of my friends EVERYONE because of her pathetic jealously and then in the end she cheats on me, dumps me, and when im grieivng needing someone to talk to, and I have no one because of her, it gets me SO ANGRY, I've had to go through this all alone, alone on thanksgiving because of her, had to cancel my trip to NYC because of her. I wish I could go back in time to when she told me she cheated on me and just called her every name in the book and go NC. Instead I was a pathetic person begging her back, allowing her to say its my fault that she cheated on me and taking it saying I would change etc. when I was the victim. I didn't even get angry at her because I didn't want to push her away yup pathetic old me. Now I'm angry and I just want to let her know hgow angry but I will not I know i have to let this go but I struggle 1st-2nd month of this process I found myself pacing back and forth at all hours, frustrated and sad at work, staring at my phone, writing long winded emails, hoping to see her on aim, checking her email for any tidbit of interesting information. Holy Sh**!!!!!! All for what? All for what? I got nothing in return but a whole watch full of wasted time. She did NOT respond like I wanted to. All the NC, she was probably like,"good---he is moving on", he is leaving my life on his own. All the anger. All the ranting to my freinds. At least I didn't do something really stupid and get myself in trouble or arrested! I just let it build.........and slowly it has subsided. I am still standing. And I will continue to stand. Fu** that nasty selfish girl. I say that to myself alot. She is nothing but a nasty selfish person. It reminds me that she is not the sweet loving giving person I used to know. She wasn't right for me. I know that now. I might call her one day and thank her for freeing me.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Yeah, I realized that. I do forgive her though. I'm not going to email her and tell her that I forgive her, I'm just going to do it inside my heart. I already feel better about it. Sometimes I catch myself dwelling on all those terrible things, but as soon as I realize I'm doing it, I just change my thoughts and feelings. This is something that I can control and it's very cool. What an amazing discovery I agree. It's not necessary to tell someone you've forgiven them, particularly during the break up/moving on phase. You don't owe them anything. Take that anger and focus it towards positive things. You don't need to deny that anger because it will only accumulate. If you're refocusing that negative energy towards accomplishing something, like moving on, it's all good!
TeaAbraham Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Good thing me and my ex didn't have lightsabers, haha. Too true. The night everything went down I was definitely prepared to go to the dark side. Oh man. Good thing huh.
Author Surfer Dude Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 I agree. It's not necessary to tell someone you've forgiven them, particularly during the break up/moving on phase. You don't owe them anything. Take that anger and focus it towards positive things. You don't need to deny that anger because it will only accumulate. If you're refocusing that negative energy towards accomplishing something, like moving on, it's all good! Yeah, I have no intention of denying that anger still exists. I know it's here and I'm releasing it every day. The more I'm forgiving her, the more I realize that she is just a lost little girl that doesn't deserve hate. Contempt? Maybe. Hate? No way. Dude I had the same feelings ! when the rage has passed you should be healed.! Now what worked for me might not work for you so it's up to you if you want to try it.. I put all my hate rage in 2 E-mails and sent them. sure people are gonna say it's not worth it and it dont help anything ..but it did help something .. it helped me..and really thats all that matter is for you to help you're self ! b/c no one else can...so I got all that crap off my chest ! I said all the crap I held back and was able to move on ! i didnt feel like some wurm.. I called her the whore she was like I should have done along time before and it helped me the rage was gone !..sure it sounds crazy.. but its also crazy sitting around begging some one to forgive you for something they did - its also crazy taking blame for stuff they did ...its also crazy crawling like a wurm so they'll forgive you and they don't ! so whats it matter what I say to her- as long as i can heal my self ! but what worked for me might not work for you- so just keep that in mind we're all defrent this might not work for you but it worked for me I tried putting on a happy face in the 2 months following breakup, pretending everything was fine and tried to be her friend. When her abuse crossed the line (she was telling me about her boyfriends and sex partners, even tho I didn't wanna hear about it), I sent her two angry emails, told her to never contact me again and called her a slut and a whore who is putting out to everyone in the country. Made me feel better at the time, I felt like I paid her back for all the grief and anguish she caused me. Anyways, that's behind me now, now is the time that I release the hate that lives inside my heart. Maybe it's not even hate, but some mixture of resentment, grief, longing, sense of betrayal etc...
hurting_in_nw Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Anger is an old friend of mine who I call upon when the hurt is just too much. I went through so much anger at the beginning of my divorce, and none of it ever made me feel any better...only remorseful for the things I had said when in its grip. Lately it has come back again, and I am realizing that there is still a lot of hurt over the divorce, over the failed "rebound" relationship, over being lonely. So I've once again become an angry person, which is not what I want to be. So back to counseling I go, this time to figure out how I let go of anger toward situations that will continue to hurt me, that I have no control over.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Yeah, I have no intention of denying that anger still exists. I know it's here and I'm releasing it every day. The more I'm forgiving her, the more I realize that she is just a lost little girl that doesn't deserve hate. Contempt? Maybe. Hate? No way. Great attitude! That's exactly the way. I was just discussing this with someone else a little while ago. Everyone has a different way to move on. For myself, I first externalize, then internalize, then try to balance the two perceptions. For someone else, they might internalize or externalize everything, never balancing to get to a closer truth. For probably the most balanced approach, if you can internalize and externalize at the same time, wow, that would be something else!
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