I'm in trouble!

[Bengood]

I think I may be in some trouble with another woman. I have been married for 10 years to my highschool sweetheart with not much experience elswhere. I am afraid that may be problem in and of iteself. We have 2 kids and I have always been very happy and in love and still am. I meet someone at work about a year ago that is single and she has 2 kids of her own. She lives in Jersey and I in Indiana so we are far apart. We don't work together often but when we do we are always somewhat friendly with each other. But because she is single, she seems to be quite friendly with many people, I guess shes broadcasting herself a little, to be expected. Recently we returned from a business trip over-seas and although nothing happened between us, I returned not being able to get her out of my head. I can't sleep some nights thinking about the possibilities, the guilt and the distraction of the problem itself because its impeding my work.

As I said before I have always been happily married and never thought much about a life outside my current relationship. Over the past few weeks however, I have questioned everything. I've thought about the possiblilies of divorce and of course how I could pursue and extramarital relationship. I know, all this after just a few feelings is crazy. I'm affraid that because of my lack of relationship experience in life I may be very naive and vulnerable to this kind of trap and am taking it harder than most.

 

The question I have:

Over the past few days I seem to have accepted what I must do. Divert my thoughts to somewhere else, stay away from this woman as much as possible and forget about it. Afterall, nothing has happened and this other girl doesn't even know whats going on with me. But the feelings are very intense and sometimes I can't focus on anything else. Logically I have decided that there is no way I can let something like this screw up my marriage. But now, even without this girl I feel an emptyness, like there is something in life that I'm missing out on that I never knew before. I don't feel the same satisfaction out of my wife and my life in general that I did before. Will this go away? I think I just reallized some serious issues here. You people on this page seem so wise to this stuff, please share your advice. Thanks.

[Ronni_W]

First thing is, of course, you are NOT "naive and vulnerable" and there is no hidden "trap" that you can unconsciously stumble into...you've seen the trap, you know it's there! You're either going to choose to walk right into it, or you are going to choose to take a detour around it.

 

It's weird how life can bang us over the head, just to help us realize that we have some important stuff to attend to in our real life.

It feels like thunder and lightning, or like we've been touched by Angels (or, at least, ONE angel.)

 

You are correct that you need to focus your energies and resources elsewhere.

 

My suggestion would be to check-out marriagebuilders.com

The 'emotional needs' and 'lovebusters' questionnaires may help you at least get some perspective on where you are in life, and what you need in your own life, that is missing.

 

This is NOT about your wife's inability to make you totally happy and "complete".

It's about what you need to do to start fulfilling your own emotional, mental, social and spiritual needs in ways that are complementary to your marriage. And then helping your wife learn how to do the same.

 

Also, the book 'The Conscious Heart' by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. And when it feels like individual counseling/therapy is needed, then do follow that instinct. Right now, it is not a "couples" problem, it is an individual crisis.

 

Good luck. I know the feeling. It's not about ignoring the feeling...it's about looking inward for answers instead of grabbing on to some external (fantasy) solution.

[whichwayisup]

You have let another woman into your heart and really like those new crush like feelings you probably haven't felt in years for your wife. I'm sure you DO love your wife, but the intensity those newer feelings have taken over, making you head into affairyland, fog land or whatever you want to call it.

 

You have a good life with your wife and kids. Do you really want to lose all that because of lust/crush for someone else? If this OW hadn't come along, would you be thinking of leaving your family?

 

Seems you just got addicted to how this woman made you feel, woke up feelings that you haven't felt in a long time. I suggest you start dating your wife, putting your love and energy into her, making her feel wonderful and special. You'd be surprised how much passion you can create with your own wife IF you're willing to try hard to capture that again. Fool around and make out like teens, hold hands, be romantic and loving.

 

Forget the OW because it will only lead to pain and heartache in so many ways.

[wuggle]

You say you still love your wife, good, that will make things easier. Forget the other woman, conentrate on your wife. that's it, that's my advice, plain and simple. An affair will not be worth it, trust me. If you ever find you no longer love your wife then thats a different story, but you say you do. Prove it. Change. Fight the rut that your life may be in. Try to make life a little more exciting for both you. Get someone to mind the kids, surprise her, take her out, wine and dine her like you did when you were courting, then ravish her. Chances are your wife is probably just as frustrated with the boredom as you are, maybe someone will see this in her and try to court her if you don't ??

[roadrage]

Either you are a woman yourself or you have a propensity for cheating. BUT, we all have unhealthy thoughts and none of us can claim the higher moral ground. All of you, admit it!

 

All this **** is in your head. If it materialises, you have proven to be weak and underserving of happiness. If it passes, just count yourself lucky that you didn't fall into this trap, because it would be your doom! Do ye hear me.....DOOM DOOM!!! :eek:

[Bengood]

This is all very helpful advice, especially the first three, Thank you! This is very much a personal thing, my wife does not know and doesn't need to know because, as was said it's not a question of whether she is capable of giving me what I need, it's me dealing with some issues. I've done a reality check about her with myself. Turns out, she's still everything I want and more. The funny thing is, when I take a completely objective view, she is all more beautiful phyisically than the OW and I think most would probably agree. There is just something about this OW that has struck me and grabbed my attention and a whole lot of emotions too! She makes me laugh. She tells me how great I am and how lucky my family is. She makes me feel better than I have in a long time..... and I'm generally a pretty happy person. And don't get me wrong, she's beautiful. Anyway, all this is pretty clear. I will work to make my marriage more exciting. How will can I get my wife to provide me this attention? How on earth am I going to act when I see this other person next? I don't want to ignore her, but I feel like I must stop interacting all together because I've seen where that has gotten me. Don't know what to do here.

 

Note:

In the ten years I've been married I've never been tested like this before. After all this time, I'm actually starting to see what marriage and commitment really means. At this point in my life its become a strong bond and a responsibility. Not just for kids and family and others who are influenced possitivley by our relationship together but for myself, ourselves. We've built something. It would be a darn shame to piss it all away for some "Angel."

 

Things are starting to make some sense.

[whichwayisup]

There is just something about this OW that has struck me and grabbed my attention and a whole lot of emotions too! She makes me laugh. She tells me how great I am and how lucky my family is. She makes me feel better than I have in a long time.....

Bingo! Ego feed. She strokes your ego.. I hope you see this? Not in a malcious way, but in a self serving way. This OW made you 'feel' good, woke up feelings. It's one sided..What she can do for you, make you feel..

 

I will work to make my marriage more exciting. How will can I get my wife to provide me this attention?

 

You said your wife is more beautiful - SO, yes, you need to talk to your wife and tell her your needs (more intimacy, closeness and fun) instead of running to another woman and getting it from her. Be fun and romantic too, it's a give and take thing, not just take. I'm sure if you spoke to your wife, there are needs of hers you're not meeting either.

 

How on earth am I going to act when I see this other person next? I don't want to ignore her, but I feel like I must stop interacting all together because I've seen where that has gotten me. Don't know what to do here.

 

You be honest and tell her you're sorry for allowing something to happen, that it was inappropriate of you to begin with to open up with her and become close. And that you don't want to hurt her but it would be best if she found someone else. THEN, you don't EVER allow yourself to talk personal with her - Distance yourself from her, and detach.

[whichwayisup]

Note:

In the ten years I've been married I've never been tested like this before. After all this time, I'm actually starting to see what marriage and commitment really means. At this point in my life its become a strong bond and a responsibility. Not just for kids and family and others who are influenced possitivley by our relationship together but for myself, ourselves. We've built something. It would be a darn shame to piss it all away for some "Angel."

 

I'm glad you posted this because you ARE aware what you could lose. And, this is why you need to really distance and detach yourself from the OW. Stop using her for ego feeds and also keep in mind, this woman KNOWS you're married and has kids - You're a chase for her, someone she can't have, but she also has feelings for you, which again, another reason you need to detach and not rely on her. Be professional and pleasent, but don't get personal or hang out with her.

[Ronni_W]

There is just something about this OW that has struck me and grabbed my attention and a whole lot of emotions too! She makes me laugh. She tells me how great I am and how lucky my family is. She makes me feel better than I have in a long time...

But it's not so much about physical attractiveness, is it? It's that the new woman is helping you to feel good about yourself on a different level than your wife, kids and all the other 'stuff' in your life have recently been doing.

 

Maybe she helped you reconnect with bits and pieces of yourself that you may have been ignoring, or even buried some time back?

 

What do YOU need to do, to start giving attention to your own needs and desires that you have not been attending to?

Some of it, perhaps, does require the companionship of your wife. And certainly to start coming up with creative ways to reintroduce some romance and excitement. Perhaps you suggest ballroom dancing classes, or whatever.

But there could be other stuff, more individual/personal stuff...maybe it's getting out to play a round of golf once in a while, or joining a book club, or getting back to the gym. Whatever it is that used to make you feel like 'you', that you stopped doing for whatever reason. (And doing it within reason and resources, of course.)

 

Then you bring that rejuvenated 'you' home, and your wife notices, and she pays you more attention.

And your relationship grows stronger and deeper...because you are now taking more responsibility for keeping 'you' feeling good. At the same time, remembering to help make your wife feel good about herself -- being open and honest with your admiration, respect and appreciation, and supporting and encouraging her in her own individual/personal desires and pursuits.

 

Something like that.

 

EDIT: Just be honest with the new woman -- that you appreciate the role that she played in your life, but now must focus your energies on renewing yourself and your marriage.

[RecordProducer]

Things are starting to make some sense.

I don't believe you for a minute! You are soooo going to cheat on your wife as soon as the opportunity arises.

 

Mark my words.

[norajane]

We have 2 kids and I have always been very happy and in love and still am.

 

Then don't f*ck it up!

 

It's natural to be attracted to other people over the course of your lifetime. Just because you commit to one person, doesn't mean you're dead and no longer notice other people. However, commitment means that you have made your choice to live your life with that particular woman, that you are a team, partners in crime, one for all and all for one.

 

Just because you've now, after 10 years, noticed another attractive woman does not mean you have to act on it. And it doesn't mean your own marriage is worthless. You've built a life with your wife and THAT is your priority, not a fleeting attraction to another woman you've allowed to get under your skin because she feeds your ego and makes you feel like superman.

 

You ask how to get more of that from your wife? Yet get what you give. Start making your WIFE feeling like she is wonder woman and give her compliments, show her that you think she's hot and you're the luckiest man alive to be with her. Make her feel special and you will see that she will do the same for you.

[Bengood]

Whichwayisup and Ronni W, you must really enjoy this..... you're good at it! This is totally about an "ego feed." Something I haven't had in a long time I guess. I reallize that I am completely aware of what I could loose! Perhaps that is why I am freaking out about all this, but on the other hand its not that easy because I think it has opened up a void that I have been unaware of for a long time. I'm struggling to figure out what to fill this space with if its not this wonderful, life-giving woman that has a way of making me feel like a gladiator. What motive does she have in all this? because of things she has said, I don't think she is trying to steal me away or anything. Why is she chasing me? She's a stand-out. Great in a lot of ways and I'm pretty sure she has many admirers who are available and would represent a much less complicated solution to her situation anyway. I'm going to have to detach. I may feel like a gladiator but I'm no match for this siren.

 

Ronni W,

Oh my gosh. I haven't done anything lately not related to work or the kids or the house or relatives etc. I haven't played golf but once a year in many years or anything else I enjoy doing really. I'm a very responsible person and feel I have a good handle on everything financial and being a parent and husband but I'm thinking that could drive me nuts. That reminds me of another post I just read about getting "me" back. The same me that my wife fell in love with in the first place. By doing that, she would get that spark again and pursue me like she did in the beginning. This may seem obvious for some but I guess I've been under a rock. Thank you for this!

 

Ah, RecordProducer, thanks for the vote of confidence but I'm feelin' that you're wrong. I guess I know where you are coming from with this, you'd like to see me fail. I'll let you know.

[Ronni_W]

The point is that you need to start being SELF-responsible, too -- not just model it in all your "external" roles.

That is precisely what led to that "inner void" -- YOU not making the time to do the things that 'fill you up' with feelings of self-appreciation and self-fulfillment. (EDIT: That is what "completes" us...the self-generated validation [/edit].)

It's different than getting validation, praise and recognition from the outside. It's a different thing than feeling good about how well one is performing in all the other roles one is taken on (or has been thrust into.)

 

Like I said, also to start helping your wife to 'fill up' from her own self-affirming activities and interests. It's about the two of you nurturing your individual sparks...so that those sparks can REALLY fly when you get together as friends, lovers, co-parents, life partners, etc.

 

The most difficult part is to try to separate your new-found feelings from the "messenger" that delivered you the news about your feelings. Difficult or impossible, even.

 

One way to look at it is: She is "just" the angel that the Universe sent -- it is her, but it's not about her, if that makes sense? If it had been someone "less than", likely you wouldn't have noticed that you are missing pieces of yourself...that you have been neglecting and ignoring your own heart's wishes and desires. Like playing golf -- it sounds like a simple thing, and feels like a "small sacrifice" but...well, it's the accumulation of all those "small" sacrifices that creates that BIG, ugly void. (EDIT: Sooner or later, we start to hate our sacrifice-filled life, and resent our partner for "forcing" us to make the sacrifices...forgetting that we made those choices on our own, for what we thought was "best" for our relationship. In fact, lack of SELF-responsibility, is the real culprit...and our partner is not at all to blame. [/edit])

So. It feels like it is ALL about her but, instead, it is all about you. You and your wife and your kids.

 

The new woman has already fulfilled her role in your life -- to help you wake-up to that other, neglected you who was waiting patiently under that rock. That's it. That was her 'contract' with you...that's why she did it. You love her for it, and thank her, and send her on her way.

 

Easier said than done, I know. But, to paraphrase the rallying cry of the day, "Yes, you can!"

[RecordProducer]

Ah, RecordProducer, thanks for the vote of confidence but I'm feelin' that you're wrong. I guess I know where you are coming from with this, you'd like to see me fail. I'll let you know.

I wouldn't necessarily see it as failure!

[jointheclub]

I have nothing to add except that it's nice to see a post on this forum where the poster has not yet ruined their or anyone else's life. If only every potential cheater came here at this juncture, then so much of this horror would be avoided.

[NoIDidn't]

The question I have:

Over the past few days I seem to have accepted what I must do. Divert my thoughts to somewhere else, stay away from this woman as much as possible and forget about it. Afterall, nothing has happened and this other girl doesn't even know whats going on with me. But the feelings are very intense and sometimes I can't focus on anything else. Logically I have decided that there is no way I can let something like this screw up my marriage. But now, even without this girl I feel an emptyness, like there is something in life that I'm missing out on that I never knew before. I don't feel the same satisfaction out of my wife and my life in general that I did before. Will this go away? I think I just reallized some serious issues here. You people on this page seem so wise to this stuff, please share your advice. Thanks.

 

I don't see serious issues. Just life doing what it does and getting in the way of living. LOL.

 

Congrats on the 10 years with your high school sweetheart.

 

Sounds like you just need to enjoy your family more than feel like it is drudge work. It happens to all of us.

 

If I had a nickel for every time I have felt this way or something similar. I'd be rich. So would my husband.

[RecordProducer]

Bengood, your fantasy and temptation come from the other side of the fence. When we are in one position for a long time (love, lifestyle, career, etc.), we start taking things for granted and we get bored of the way we live our lives. This is normal. I don't see that you have problems in your marriage: it's stable and you love your beautiful wife.

 

Whenever we feel like jumping into something, we should know what to expect. You think that what you will get is excitement and enormous romantic and sexual pleasure. I do keep in mind that you decided NOT to pursue an affair and that you will do the right thing that every committed man should do. But I don't want to tell you that you will lose a great deal of pleasure because it's not the right thing to do or that you should sacrifice for the sake of your commitment to your wife.

 

Of course you should sacrifice, but let's talk about what you are really sacrificing. You are sacrificing nothing. If you would pursue the affair, it would taste good for a few weeks and then you would realize that it's nothing spacial and it wasn't worth the trouble. What appears to be exciting on the first sight - usually disappoints us very soon after we've touched it. Not just lovers - everything in life!

 

Even if you would fall in love with the other woman, eventually the excitement would wear off; usual problems would start and things would become like in every long-term relationship. You're instinctively looking for the thrill of the moment because that's encoded in every man's (and probably woman's, too) genes. But this thrill brings strong feelings which lead to many problems. My point is: nature leads us from the butterflies in the stomach to a place where we want to commit, live together, and have children. This is called marriage. The thrill by natural rule never lasts too long. It just doesn't. It either takes you too far or it wears off too soon (if you don't fall in love). Going too far when two single people are involved is a good thing: they get married and have kids and live a so-so life ever after.

 

But you're already married with kids, so you would have to divorce or hide the affair. You have a lot to lose. For what? For nothing. Affairs make sense (not moral sense, just physical/emotional) when you desperately need something that you're not getting from your spouse. But it doesn't sound like you're missing something big in your marriage. You're missing the excitement but that's normal. You don't feel butterflies in your stomach every time you see your children; that still doesn't mean you want them any less. Same thing with your work: you don't always feel thrilled to get up and go to work like you would be if you're going on a date. The good things in life are not necessarily (always) exciting.

 

Resist your urges with the thought that there is NOTHING on the other side of the fence that would make you feel happier or more valuable. Moreover, the OW said your family is lucky to have you and that made you feel good about yourself; but think, if you cheat on your wife, then this statement makes no sense anymore, because you would become just another selfish, cheating dog.

[Bengood]

Bengood, your fantasy and temptation come from the other side of the fence. When we are in one position for a long time (love, lifestyle, career, etc.), we start taking things for granted and we get bored of the way we live our lives. This is normal. I don't see that you have problems in your marriage: it's stable and you love your beautiful wife.

 

Whenever we feel like jumping into something, we should know what to expect. You think that what you will get is excitement and enormous romantic and sexual pleasure. I do keep in mind that you decided NOT to pursue an affair and that you will do the right thing that every committed man should do. But I don't want to tell you that you will lose a great deal of pleasure because it's not the right thing to do or that you should sacrifice for the sake of your commitment to your wife.

 

Of course you should sacrifice, but let's talk about what you are really sacrificing. You are sacrificing nothing. If you would pursue the affair, it would taste good for a few weeks and then you would realize that it's nothing spacial and it wasn't worth the trouble. What appears to be exciting on the first sight - usually disappoints us very soon after we've touched it. Not just lovers - everything in life!

 

Even if you would fall in love with the other woman, eventually the excitement would wear off; usual problems would start and things would become like in every long-term relationship. You're instinctively looking for the thrill of the moment because that's encoded in every man's (and probably woman's, too) genes. But this thrill brings strong feelings which lead to many problems. My point is: nature leads us from the butterflies in the stomach to a place where we want to commit, live together, and have children. This is called marriage. The thrill by natural rule never lasts too long. It just doesn't. It either takes you too far or it wears off too soon (if you don't fall in love). Going too far when two single people are involved is a good thing: they get married and have kids and live a so-so life ever after.

 

But you're already married with kids, so you would have to divorce or hide the affair. You have a lot to lose. For what? For nothing. Affairs make sense (not moral sense, just physical/emotional) when you desperately need something that you're not getting from your spouse. But it doesn't sound like you're missing something big in your marriage. You're missing the excitement but that's normal. You don't feel butterflies in your stomach every time you see your children; that still doesn't mean you want them any less. Same thing with your work: you don't always feel thrilled to get up and go to work like you would be if you're going on a date. The good things in life are not necessarily (always) exciting.

 

Resist your urges with the thought that there is NOTHING on the other side of the fence that would make you feel happier or more valuable. Moreover, the OW said your family is lucky to have you and that made you feel good about yourself; but think, if you cheat on your wife, then this statement makes no sense anymore, because you would become just another selfish, cheating dog.

 

Ah, Ha, Well..... I certainly didn't expect to hear this from you considering your first post. Maybe I didn't take you the right way. If so, I appologize because this was very insightful and I appreciate you for it. I think you are right, my situation is pretty benign compared to others on this page but still a challenge for me non the less. My marriage is pretty darn good afterall and my family means a lot to me. I have to say that you women, particularly the attractive, confident type, need to be very carefull with the power that you have. I mean a lot of power over men who may be "missing something" as I would expect most men who have been married for any length of time are. You see if you just pay attention to them and tell them how great they are, feeding their ego, making eye contact etc. they will fall for it. I guaruntee they will fall for it.

I'm only hoping that because I now have this experience of being Hit by this, I will see it coming and know better in the future. I'm feeling much better about it today. Perhaps because of time away. Perhaps because of all the great things I've gained from the people on this site, including yourself. Well, who knows what feelings may emerge the next time I see her. Lets hope I don't freak out again, but if I do I know where to come...... Let's talk about something else.

[Ronni_W]

you women, particularly the attractive, confident type, need to be very carefull with the power that you have. I mean a lot of power over men who may be "missing something" as I would expect most men who have been married for any length of time are. You see if you just pay attention to them and tell them how great they are, feeding their ego, making eye contact etc. they will fall for it.

All of that goes both ways -- men and women need to ensure that they do not allow the "inner voids" that attention and ego-stroking from anyone at all will feel like the void is being filled.

To put all the "power" (of enticement, stability, excitement and what else) on women isn't accurate, self-responsible...or fair to us, really. We REALLY do need and desire our men to (re)claim their own power, and co-create happy relationships as our equally empowered partners.

We do. I guarantee it .