4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 So, a few years ago I had a good friend...I unfortunately did something stupid and lost his trust. Well he was my only friend back then, we used to do everything together, he was pretty popular, not sure why but he was. After I did what I did which was too stupid to even mention it he ofcourse decided to get away from me. With him went everyone else not only in our group of friends but also in the organization we belonged to. I tried talking and hanging out, bassically reaching out. Everyone was nice, but never made an effort to include me in their activities...I found myself alone and ended quiting the organization. Well fast forward to a few years closer to the present. Again I belonged to an organization. For years we were all very close, lived together, worked together etc. I felt like i finally found a group i could belong to. The circumstances changed a few years ago when we all left the organization. However a lot of them kept in touch and hang out on a regular basis, to which im pretty much excluded from. At first i thought it was because i was so busy with my R. But once I broke it off I realized i never even got calls to join them at all. Ofcourse once in a blue moon they ask me to come hang out, like when I just broke my R off, but when I start trying to be more part of the group i get closed off. In any case...seeing as how this has happened twice already, Im wondering if there is something wrong with me. Am i a total loser that people dont want to hang out with? What is a loser exactly?
Ronni_W Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 This is just my personal definition: A "loser" is someone who has the self-image of being a loser. (IMO, it's self-defined.) As to your dilemma, maybe you will find some answers if you work it from the opposite side: What is it that you contribute to your social relationships? What do you leave with them, that makes them hungry for more of 'you'? What are your strengths and talents that you share with others? Do you tend to withhold some (or most) of your "good stuff"? Do you wait to be invited or do you sometimes take the initiative to organize a get-together? Do you have a tendency to exclude others, or to ignore your social network when your life is going well and you don't "need" external/social support so much? You sort of are wanting to find out if there is anything that you unconsciously do or do not do, that is off-putting in some way -- is there anyone (or a few) whom you trust enough to be both honest AND kind with you? If so, ask for their help. Other thing is: Have you forgiven yourself for doing whatever you did with/to your former good friend?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 This is just my personal definition: A "loser" is someone who has the self-image of being a loser. (IMO, it's self-defined.) As to your dilemma, maybe you will find some answers if you work it from the opposite side: What is it that you contribute to your social relationships? What do you leave with them, that makes them hungry for more of 'you'? What are your strengths and talents that you share with others? Do you tend to withhold some (or most) of your "good stuff"? Do you wait to be invited or do you sometimes take the initiative to organize a get-together? Do you have a tendency to exclude others, or to ignore your social network when your life is going well and you don't "need" external/social support so much? You sort of are wanting to find out if there is anything that you unconsciously do or do not do, that is off-putting in some way -- is there anyone (or a few) whom you trust enough to be both honest AND kind with you? If so, ask for their help. Other thing is: Have you forgiven yourself for doing whatever you did with/to your former good friend? Wow thanks for this insight... I think i have a tendency to wait for people to invite me to things...though a few days ago I asked the group if they'd like to do a secret santa thing...one of them responded kinda snobbishly with "way ahead of you! we do it in an annual basis!" Maybe it wasnt snobbish but thats how i took it. Anyhow the reason why i wait, specially with this group is because I dont want to impose...I know they are a very close knit group and bassically im kinda new/ not even sure they want me "in" the group you know? But i guess i could try be more assertive and give them a call when i want to hang out...its kinda nerve wrecking. what if they just say yes out of pity? I dont know.... i know its irrational, and Im trying to change my thoughts around things like these but it takes time. As to my friend actually I just realized a few days ago that the one that was wrong in the whole fall out was me. For years I blamed him, but then i took a hard look at the situation and realized i was the one that messed it up. (How did i not see for so long that playing a cruel joke on him that made him look like a fool was the reason why he left is way beyond me...) I guess im working on it ANyway thanks so much for your reply
Ronni_W Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 ...one of them responded kinda snobbishly with "way ahead of you! we do it in an annual basis!" Some people are just social morons, er, socially under-developed -- there is not too much social grace or positive communication skills evident in that reply, is there? To me, it's a lot of information about that person, not about you, and not necessarily about how that person feels about you. What I'm getting is that you are feeling like the "outsider" with this new group. Problem is the more we feel (and act) like an outsider...the more we feel (and act) like it. But. You've already started to change that, and yes, it does feel sort of 'weird' at the beginning...getting out of the 'sit back & wait' comfort zone. I suspect that when you've done your 'personal inventory' of strengths, talents and good stuff that you do (or can) contribute, you won't feel so much like an "imposition" on the group, as a gift to them. (And you wouldn't want to deprive them of the gift that you are, I'm guessing? .) If you have a way to contact your good friend...he just might appreciate you for sharing your new insights about that old incident. (Not that he will necessarily want to renew the friendship, of course. Your contact would more be about offering him understanding than wanting anything back.) Hugs and good luck.
trex Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 One thing I'm getting off you is you're being too passive. You're waiting for them to call you, or for them to accept you into their group. Don't wait for them to call you to hang out, call them yourself! I know this may kind of dorkish but ask them if you can join them. Don't wait for the phone to ring, pick it up yourself and take action.
georgehutton Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Hi. Not to sound too trite or anything, but the old rule "if you want a friend, be a friend" works pretty well. You might want to read "How Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It's not as manipulative as it sounds. There are some pretty good tips in there. Most people walk around with a "What can I get out of it" mentality. So when YOU come along with your new "What can I add to this person" mentality, you will be a welcome change from the usual crowd. And for some specific esoteric-esque advice, try a few minutes a day visualizing yourself (from a 3rd person perspective, that is, watching yourself interacting with other people from a distance). Make sure to put a smile on everybody's faces and some open body language. That way you can program your brain how to behave automatially. Hope that helps George
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