jeeping Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Sorry about the last post I did not realized I could not cut and paste from MS word. Wow, Well, first I just want to say I have been a lurker here on and off for the past few years or so. Initially just looking for advice and such after discovering that my wife had been in contact with an ex-boyfriend for some time. I found out accidently when I logged into the computer and saw a different e-mail address with a number of e-mails. This was in 2002. Needless to say, I am still married but things have changed and I live by my rules. She can stay if she wants, or go, bottom line is either you want to be here or don’t. At first I was hurt. I called her at work and yelled a bit. When she came home I told her to cut off contact or divorce. She initially refused but after some blow-ups she did cut off contact. In the beginning I did want to work on my marriage since we have kids and I tried to move forward. I went through anger, sadness, pain, punched in the “pride” so to speak and any number of other emotions. I thought about the kids, how they would feel etc. and found that I could still spend quality time with them even if she is on ignore. Just some background. She was and is a stay at home mom. I made and still make good money, and sacrificed a lot of time and energy for work and the family. I gave up friendships, free time, stayed home all the time, and only went out of town for business trips. I never even attended bachelor parties because she said they were inappropriate and offended her. I never lied to her, never went to topless bars, out drinking, or any of the other stuff that could put strain on the relationship. Although I don’t consider myself God’s gift, I have had women make advances which I always refused before D-Day. Boy did I feel like a complete sucker after D-Day. After I found out and got past the initial hurt I decided it was time to work on me. I am still concentrating on myself. I pretty much got to the point where I told her she could stay if she wanted or go, it doesn’t matter to me much. I still take the kids camping, fishing, and have a good career. The fact of the matter is that after a year or two, I just didn’t care any more. Within a month of finding out I started working out at the gym three times a week after work. Dedicated myself to advancement in my career, health, and wellness and then I started making contact with old friends. Now I camp once a month, go fishing, take road trips, go on overnight and weekend 4X4 trips, and pretty much do whatever I want. What I wanted was a good marriage, but that didn’t pan out so I moved forward with myself. I have to admit, it bothers her sometimes, but I just don’t care any more. I offered her a divorce, she said no way, she doesn’t believe in divorce, so I said fine, then it is status quo. In the meantime I had an uncle set up an savings account shortly after I found out that she doesn’t know about where I have been stashing money every paycheck (I took over the bills after D-Day) and now have a very considerable sum saved up just in case. As soon as the last kid is out of the house I think I may soon follow. I will always wish her well, but it won’t be with me. Bottom line advice to you men is this. In a few years, once you have processed the information, you probably won’t feel she is worth it anymore. In the meantime, set up an account, save money, work on yourself, and be ready to pack it in at a moments notice. Take pride in yourself, love yourself, and realize it is Ok to be selfish and indulge in the things you enjoy. Once something as sacred as trust is broken, you can never allow yourself to get hurt again. I wish you all luck and take care!
Angel1111 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Well, if this makes you happy then I guess it's a good thing. I'm a little confused as to why you don't just go ahead and divorce her, though. Who cares if she doesn't believe in divorce? She should've thought of that before she cheated on you. Anyway, I'm glad you've resolved this in a way that makes you feel free.
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Yes I agree. You don't want to be the bad guy by you being the one to intiate divorce, you want her to do that...I mean, you ask for a D, she says no. So, instead of trying to fix things together, each of you live your own life, but together. How is that good for your kids? To see mom and dad distant and not really together? I'm sure she's just as miserable as you are now.
Reggie Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 You know what is best for you. But, I'd consider starting the divorce sooner rather than later. You have limited years here on this planet and might meet someone worthy of you. Your existence, while having lots of good aspects, sound somewhat lonely. You can amass more money with her gone.
Confused father Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Good Luck! I hope it all works out for you. I was in a very similar situation, but there was a recent development. See my thread. If only I could have met her AFTER..... The Good Lord tests us, and he keeps testing me.
Author jeeping Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 Angel, Reggie, and Whichwayisup Thank you for the replies, I appreciate you putting your thoughts down and taking a moment to reply. Between the kids and the expense I don't feel it is the right time for a divorce right now. I looked at everything, made a decision on what I valued more at the moment, and went with that decision. When the scales tip in the other direction and it is time, I will move out and file for divorce. I also want to leave my wife with enough mony so she can re-train and find a decent job. Despite the fact that I can't stand her, I don't want to leave her on the street, unmarketable in the work force and unable to pay rent. Reggie, I couldn't agree with you more, I have limited years on the planet, and I do need to use them wisely. I actually don't feel like moving on to another relationship. That is another level of complexity I just don't need at this time. To be honest, I would be happy with a small home and my two dogs (Border Collies that are as active as I am). Confused Father, I read your post. I am sorry that happened to you, it is an unforunate thing that can be very painful. I am glad you are working towards moving out on your own. If I may offer some advice, don't worry about another relationship right now. I really could care less about my wife, but I don't cheat either. I have to look my kids in the eye at night and could not go to sleep with a clean concious so another woman right now is not an option I want.
roadrage Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 You haven't said whether the contact between your wife and her ex boyfriend was evidence of an affair. Was it just plutonic conversation, or a little bit more? Plutonic, I would give her benefit of the doubt. If it's a bit more, well keep doing what you're doing. But remember, the kids should be your ultimate priority. Even before your own happiness. They should come first. It sounds like she doesn't talk to the ex anymore, being down and out, not wanting a divorce etc. I don't know the full story of the contact between them, so I really can't comment on your situation yet.
Reggie Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I share that sentiment re a new relationship. I've been married twice and have 5 kids. Both of my ex's were serial cheaters. I have little faith in both my selection abilities and romantic relationships, in general. The cost benefit analysis weighs greatly in favor of staying alone, having dogs, travelling and having good friends. Took me a long time to figure out that living single is , actually, a more fulfilling existence. Good luck with your plan and stay detached from the toxic one.
sylviaguardian Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Jeeping, I read your story - it could be mine! I feel exactly the same way you do. I've pretty much done my own thing for the last 3 and a half years and I got by. I also have no interest in having any sort of relationship that would put me in the category of 'cheater'. See my latest post though. Thoughts? Any advice would be appreciated. Sylvia
jwi71 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Jeeping- Just so you know...that not disclosing that account exposes you to perjury. If she does find out lied on the financial disclosure it is well within the law to have your settlement amended due to fraud. And if you tick the judge off enough - get arrested, incurring more fines. You may not think much of your W but you had better respect her lawyer, forensic accountant and PI she hires at YOUR expense - to dig up everything. And - man, get a divorce already. Make yourself single and meet a woman who has your interests!
JustBreathe Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I sometimes feel like an anomaly because seven years later I'm still in the relationship so it's good to read stories like these. Alot of people think it's not a good choice to stay in a relationship when all the trust's gone and all you feel is a sort of close friendship with your spouse. But it can work provided you can live peacefully. My H is like a close relative to me. If he left tomorrow, I'd miss him but in a detached kind of way. And not for long. Sometimes we go to movies together and do some things we share - but it's like hanging out with a close friend. We do have sex sometimes, but it isn't like it was and it is not that often. I need sex, he's convenient and familiar, so what can I say. I have to be crawling the walls though and a glass or 3 of wine doesn't hurt either. He used to be controlling and domineering. That's changed. We have developed a system of maintaining our lives in such a way that neither one of us feels more responsibility than the other and we do our own thing. Things like that go a long way towards maintaining peace in the home and security for our boys. So you see, it isn't so bad. It can work well. But it's hard sometimes because you get antsy and want to leave like.. tomorrow. Oh and as for meeting someone and having a real relationship, well, been there done that and don't want to ever do it again. Like Reggie, my picker-outer does not function properly. Cheaters all of them. So, no more for me. There are many many women over 50 who choose to be single. I will not grow old lonely either. I will have my grandchildren, my friends and my interests.
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