madeamess Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I had a fantastic boyfriend of 2 years, who I broke up with a couple of months ago. I've just been away for a month with a male friend of 4 years working towards my degree, and I'll be spending a lot of the year working with him while living 30 minutes away from my ex. Just before we went away, we started feeling very strongly for each other, and both broke off our relationships to be together. It was fantastic when we were away! But since we got back, I've started missing my ex, and things are cooling with my friend already!! Why do things that felt so real a month ago now feel like nothing? I was so sure I was over my ex, and ready to start something with my friend! My ex is just the calmest, nicest person, and sent me friendly emails asking how I was going throughout the month away, which I just deleted (Although he was hurting, as I left him to try things with my friend). I don't know how to ask him to come back! Any advice would be great!!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I guess before you try to get him back, you have to ask yourself: why did you break up in the first place? Yes, you found someone new, but were there other problems as well? If you started to develop feelings for another man, you must have been distancing yourself from your ex at least somewhat before the breakup - why did this happen?
Author madeamess Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Well, when I saw my ex every day, we had a fantastic relationship, but I've been living in college with this friend about half an hour away for the last few months, it felt like I wasn't seeing him enough (a few days a week) to have a meaningful relationship. I started having feelings for this friend about the same time (since we'll be together every day for the rest of the year). Now, I feel like I might have been forcing things with my friend cause it was easy, but I won't be seeing my ex any more than I have been for at least the next year. I still miss him though!!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Well, like you said, its going to be another year until you can go back to being near your ex again. If you and him got back together, do you believe you'd be able to deal with the distance, or would the same problems come back? Everyone makes mistakes, and if the two of you can make things work, then I wish you all the best, but before you go running back to him I think its important to seriously reflect on if you think you CAN make things work. If you and your ex were together a long time, and then you dated a new guy and its over, its possibly you miss your ex simply because you are not used to being alone. Problems that existed in your relationship with him before hand will come back unless both of you are ready to acknowledge what went wrong and are willing to work on things. You've already hurt him once, its best to make sure it does not happen again, and the second time around, you could get hurt too. Do you miss your ex? Or are you missing having someone to date? Why did things with the new man not work out?
Author madeamess Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Well, it was my first relationship, and the whole time I was always wondering if we had a good/bad/moderate relationship, cause I had nothing to go off. I didn't so much date this new guy as test the waters with turning a friend into a lover, and I'm starting to feel as if it wasn't the great idea I thought it was ( we were friends for 4 years, maybe I should have realised something should have happened by now!!). It's also made me see a bit more that my relationship with my ex was a lot better than I gave it credit for, so I feel a bit more ready to try something difficult with him. That being said, I don't know how to tell him all this...he's been fantastic with getting hurt the first time, but I can't risk doing it to him again!
lkjh Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 think about your ex bit yourself. If you do want to get back with him be honest so he can protect himself he chooses.
Mikey Action Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 But this does seem like your fault, which you acknowledge. That is good. It shows that your recent experiences have given you some maturity. After two years emotions just don't fade fast. I don't care what people say. Unless one person is selfish and uncaring to the point of walking the boundary of being called "evil", the emotions don't just go away. The feelings felt "real" a month ago because they were. Unless you get past the three month mark they just feel "real" three months is about long enough for someone to get to know you, pass wind in bed and for you to say "nice rip" and not be embarrassed. It is not unnatural for you to have stronger feelings towards someone you may have told your most intimate secrets, fears etc. then someone who has been your friend for a few years. You said you deleted his emails and whatnot, I would venture a guess it was because you were having fun with your new guy. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. However what you need to accept is: If he knows you left him for your friend, he may never trust you again. If he knows you left him and deleted these emails without reading them he may never want to be with you again. Me? I would call him. Arrange to meet for coffee or something non-serious and tell him. Tell him you made a huge mistake, tell him that you deleted his emails. Tell the truth. You made a mistake and you've learned from it and see where he stands. If you don't think you made a mistake, then don't say so. He will either: Reject you outright Accept you back Accept you back on a trial basis If he takes you back, go talk to someone about how you both feel about the time apart. That's what I would do.
Vince Black Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I would think that before you ever dream of asking him back into your life for a relationship, you should really make sure you are "all in" what I mean by that is....are you just missing what you don't have? or are you ready in your heart and mind to put everything you have into this relationship? please don't play any games with him...hurting sucks for everyone. Put yourself in his shoes. Be kind, be honest, but most importantly be honest with yourself first. And remember you could possibly holding someones heart in your hands. That's a pretty important responsibility.
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