Unsure... (Warning: LONG STORY!)

[Addict]

I'm not sure whether or not I'm posting in the right place or not, but it looked like the proper forum for this discussion... so here goes.

 

I started seeing this guy in June of 2006. At the time he was seeing two other people and he was very clear that he was in an open relationship. The first time we met at work, I was immediately drawn to his personality. He was a little nerdy/geeky but very pleasant and funny. It helped that I found him very attractive as well. I thought at first he was much younger than he is or was at the time and didn't think he would ever be interested in someone like me, so I started dating someone else at work. That little relationship burned out fast. When it did he (the guy I was originally interested in) offered a listening ear if I ever wanted to vent. Well, I didn't vent -- I was quite happy to be out of the other situation, but I did answer his emails on a daily basis and we formed a nice friendship. Soon we started talking on messenger at home and when I worked later than him I was pleasantly surprised to hear from him in email from home after he got home from work.

 

Within a month or so, give or take we were talking on a very regular basis and I got the feeling he was as into me as I was him. So one Friday evening we were both working and emailing each other I suggested we get together and he agreed we should. I told him to let me know time and place and I'd be there. We met that night after work at his place. I have never had such an exciting encounter before that. We started seeing each other on a fairly regular basis. Although I was hesitant in the beginning, mostly because one of the other girls he was seeing at the time worked with us as well, but my love for his personality and my strong attraction to him kept me from being able to stop myself. It was one of those connections where you just connect right away -- the passion was just unbelievable! Everything was perfect. Well, that is until I started feeling guilty about the other girl who had no idea we were seeing each other and she was the very jealous type. Besides that she was young and had quite a wide emotional pendulum -- she didn't even like it when I would talk to him and she kept asking him if he was seeing me. Not wanting to cause tension at work, or any more than was necessary he said no.

 

Thankfully she moved on to another place of employment about seven months after we had started seeing each other. He finally told her after she started work at the other place and it made me feel better about the whole thing. I never liked being sneaky and deceptive. Well soon after that the other girl he was seeing stopped seeing him and got another partner and then after awhile his relationship with the one we used to work with eventually fizzled out. So by late 2007 we were just seeing each other. While it never bothered me that he was seeing two other women -- I mean I was aware of it from the start so it was never a threat to me or us, I had no idea how unprepared I was for the fact that he could start seeing someone else at any time. That is until one night he sent me an email letting me know there was someone new. I was never so devastated in my life. I did fear that would happen, but I had no idea how bad a reaction I would have to it until it actually happened. I was so torn up over it I was sick. I couldn't eat or sleep, I had to go to the doctor and get meds to calm the anxiety, and while I should have just stopped seeing him, I didn't. Looking back now I don't know how I got through it, but I did.

 

It was the start of some real rocky times for us though. We ended up "breaking up" over something completely unrelated about a month and a half later and it was then that he told me that he didn't really want to break up, and that he was no longer seeing the new person. Apparently it had lasted about a month and he decided he didn't wish to pursue it any further. I was glad to hear that and we ended up back together, but for months it seemed we would go for a few weeks without any problems and then we would get into another discussion about the nature of the relationship and how I wanted it exclusive and he wanted it open. Finally I said enough was enough. I didn't want to give hm an ultimatum, but I was no longer willing to stay with him not knowing from one day or one week to the next if he was seeing someone else and I knew that if he did I would not be able to handle going through that again. So I told him this was it -- I didn't want to put myself through that any longer. He brought me my things I had left at his place a few days later and we talked -- to make a long story short (ha as if I could at this point!), we agreed to try and work something else out. So I went over to his place the next day and we talked about being exclusive for now until we could work something else out.

 

Well, we never really did work anything else out but we're still seeing each other. Things progressed albeit slowly. I met his mom, he met my kids (something I never would have let him do when the relationship was open), we started hanging out with more of his family and a few of his friends, and now it just seems like we're a pretty normal exclusive couple. But far from it. He still mentions sometimes how he would still like it to be open, and I think more along the lines of eventually settling down. Not right now, but eventually I'd like us to be able to live together, maybe even get married eventually. But he says he thinks he'll just live alone until he dies. To me that's sad, and I feel like after everything we've been through we're stronger than ever now, but it's like there are still issues there he just can't seem to get past to really commit. He used to tell me he wanted to have other experiences and I get that -- I don't want to hold him back, but at the same time he's not ready to give us up and I don't really want to either. We've invested a lot in each other emotionally. We never fight, and even if we have a small disagreement it doesn't last long and most of the time we spend together is fun and awesome and I'm still as attracted to him as I was when we first started seeing each other. It feels like I've known him all my life and I can't fathom life without him in it.

 

Anyway, that's my story. If anyone actually read it through and has any questions or comments, advice or whatever, post away.

[Geishawhelk]

Counselling.

Ultimately it's your decision because if he wants to keep an open relationship and you don't, you'll be the one to suffer, because chances are he will stray.

I keep saying this, but we're not designed to be faithful.

We're (like all mammals) not designed to be exclusive.

That's a personal choice, commitment and effort.

You might be able to keep to it.

Him?

I doubt it.

But at least he's honest about his feelings.

[LittleDove]

But at least he's honest about his feelings.

 

The ONLY good thing about your situation... hes honest, not driving you insane by cheating, even though that would probably be easier for him right now.

Do you think hes holding back, looking for someone younger/someone else??

whats his issue with commitment??

As geishawelk says, at least hes honest, so you KNOW what your dealing with, and what pain to expect when he finds someone else.

 

I keep saying this, but we're not designed to be faithful.

We're (like all mammals) not designed to be exclusive

 

I cant get my head around this one, IF we are not designed to be faithful, then why does cheating hurt so much? and why do we strive for exclusive relationships, and why do we feel guily when cheating..?

Unlike other mammals...(a whale is a mammal..?) we have the capacity for a range of complex emotional responses. I just dont think humans, are comparable to a killer whale, or any animal or mammal.

 

(my egox might be an exception- his emotions were rather un-evolved!)

[Geishawhelk]

I cant get my head around this one, IF we are not designed to be faithful, then why does cheating hurt so much? and why do we strive for exclusive relationships, and why do we feel guily when cheating..?

Unlike other mammals...(a whale is a mammal..?) we have the capacity for a range of complex emotional responses. I just dont think humans, are comparable to a killer whale, or any animal or mammal.

 

We are comparable insofar as we are animals.

The highest form of life (so-called! I doubt it at times!) and the most intelligent, (again...I question that!) but we are still animals - mammals, nevertheless.

Our problem - if you like - is this bit:

 

we have the capacity for a range of complex emotional responses.

 

it is this very factor - this higher capacity - that makes things so muc more complicated.

All our intelligence, history, learning, reading, knowledge, Rligion, morals, ethics and principles are human traits, imposed by cultures and societies.

That's why we hurt so much.

because we actively LET it bother us.

 

It's not that animals have no morals or values.

It's that we have too many.

And they're all self-imposed.

 

BUT -

And it's a big but -

 

If we choose to adhere to, or abide by this collection of rules, then we have to bite the bullet and abide by them.

 

Addict's other half (for want of a better description) doesn't want to abide by the rules.

he's made it clear, he doesn't like these rules, and he's made it clear that he'd rather not be bound by them.

That's very brave and honest of him, but it does rather give Addict a dilemma.

And the decision lies with her.

because he's catring "naturally and normally".

She's acting according to human convention, with rules, commitment, and effort.

 

That's harder work, but great, if both do it.......

[LittleDove]

Okay, thats a good explanation...

 

Now I feel like the dreamer Charlotte from sex in the city...because I want to believe in monogamy...i really do!

 

I think addicts, partner, is being true to himself, 100% and I think more people could be so honest, less people would be getting hurt. He is doing nothing wrong, he just wont give his all to the relationship..

 

It would be sad and extremely hard to be with a partner who doesnt want the type of commitment you do. My only answer would be to be as he is, and still see other men, while enjoying the booty call, who knows, Mr.right, might be just around the corner!!

[Addict]

Thanks for your insights, guys, I appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that he's being honest, even though it hurts that I feel like what we have isn't enough for him. I keep telling him I don't want to hold him back or him to stay with me just because he doesn't want to be "alone" -- I don't want him to stay with me for years and years and then end up becoming really bitter toward me down the road because he has given up on his ideals or wanting other experiences. I really want him to be happy, but I love him so much it's just almost impossible for me to just break up with him and let him go do his own thing. He always says that he's given up on the idea of happiness and he'll brush it off saying it doesn't matter right now.

 

And I do trust him to not "stray" -- he's been in a long term relationship before and he was faithful to his then girlfriend. He's faithful to a fault, and while he is being honest, he's not really being true to himself because he's not going after what he really wants. I don't think he necessarily wants to see someone younger per se, and he doesn't want to "replace" me -- he just wants to have more than one relationship. But I can't handle it. Nor can I bring myself to be with anyone else. I did try when things were open on a few occasions to but in the end I just wasn't able to. I have no idea how people can want to be with other people while seeing someone. I know people cheat, but I think in most cases that when they do they're in bad relationships to begin with. At least that's been my personal experience. If I was in an unhappy relationship I just wasn't happy in or shouldn't have been in I would constantly be tempted to stray or at least be checking other people out. And while I know it might not be perfect, the relationship is one of great respect and it's really good -- all but this one aspect. Which is SO maddening because we do get along so well, have such a great rapport and connection emotinally and physically and when this issue isn't flaring up things are awesome between us. I think that's what holds him back too, is knowing he'd be giving up something really great for the unknown.

 

But as long as I'm with him it's going to remain exclusive. As long as I'm with him he'll probably keep wanting things to be the way they were in the beginning. It may come to a point where we just have to part ways because of it, but right now neither one of us wants to be without the other. He tells me he loves me and I know he does in whatever capacity he is able to, but I don't understand how you can really love someone and yet still want to see other people. Like LittleDove said, I simply can't get my head around it.

 

Yeah, counselling might be a good idea.

[Addict]

Any other ideas/advice would be much appreciated.