Isolde Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I just think it's important to realize that if you had slept with him for a night, you would be feeling *even worse* than you do now. Think about it. Really.
CandyGirlXO Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I think you can do better! You will get over him one day.
Author shadowplay Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I just think it's important to realize that if you had slept with him for a night, you would be feeling *even worse* than you do now. Think about it. Really. I wish that were the case, but knowing myself it's probably not. In the very least it would have broken his spell over me. So much of my obsession is wrapped up in curiosity, which I would have finally satisfied.
Author shadowplay Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 I think you can do better! You will get over him one day. Thanks. I sincerely hope that you're right.
Nemo Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 You will get over him one day. That would be the preferred option. Being on top allows one more control over the depth of the loving. Too much bumping against the doorway can leave one a little rattled.
Isolde Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I wish that were the case, but knowing myself it's probably not. In the very least it would have broken his spell over me. So much of my obsession is wrapped up in curiosity, which I would have finally satisfied. Well, you already have non-physical evidence that you two aren't compatible. He was mean to you.
Isolde Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 P.S. Continue writing. One of the best ways to fake "curiosity fulfillment" is through fiction writing. It's not a perfect substitute, but it does help!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 He does have the professorial look about him. Well, you know your type. There are others out there like him who are probably less dorky and awkward. The best relationships are the ones where you feel at ease with each other. When you are unafraid to be yourself or state your opinions. I think it is difficult to find but it does happen once in a while.
LoveLace Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I just don't think that had you took a chance to sleep with him, that you wouldn't be feeling like you are right now. Weather we believe it or not that's where the emotional part gets more intense because physical intimacy does that to us. So I'd think that if he actually slept with YOU, you'd be even more of a confused mess here, naturally. Then LS'ers would be for sure telling you that he just used you. That is no one's favorite kind of outcome...if you think you have questions now, just think of how many you'd have if he got that physical with you..THEN pulled the disappearing act...
Gremio Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 shadowplay, I'm going through the SAME thing you are except I haven't know the person quite as long as you have.
Author shadowplay Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Update. I messaged him and asked him. I was hemming and hawing about how much time I should wait for awhile, but finally decided I would do it anyway at some point so I might as well get it over with. His response was pretty vague, as Lovelace predicted. I guess it did leave me feeling worse, but it also has made it a lot easier for me to get over him. Here's what he wrote: Shadowplay, Honestly I just didn't feel the vibe from when we met up; obviously in retrospect it becomes clearer what was going on but I just took it as a little "off" in our energies. I shouldn't have strung you along afterwards but was, myself, in a place of not really knowing what I wanted (to explain, not excuse). I hope you're doing well too, Shadow. I really have no clue how to interpret what he's saying about vibes and energies. Is he saying there was no chemistry? Or that he was weirded out that I seemed attracted to him? Or that he was confused by the vibe I was sending when we met up and then later realized it was because I was attracted to him? Unfortunately my immediate internal explanation was he thought I looked unattractive. I mean why else would he have been so vague? Yet, he said to me awhile ago when I asked him if he found me physically attractive "of course I do." I hope it was genuinely a lack of chemistry and not something superficial. At least I feel pretty over him now since there obviously isn't a shred of hope. There wasn't before, but somehow having him explicitly say it helped. I've been crying in bed tonight and having trouble concentrating on my work. My biggest fear is that I'll die an old spinster and no guys I like will ever be interested in me. If there's some undefinable vibe I'm giving off how am I supposed to change that? And if I'm not attractive enough there's nothing I can do either. Here's another example of a guy having a negative reaction to me. In the class where I met my ex there was this other guy I kind of liked and at the time I felt like he was sort of flirty with me. We talked every so often and seemed to have a fair amount in common. Our conversations were pretty interesting. I thought he at least liked me as a person. Well, later he and my ex spoke when we had just started dating and my ex mentioned he was going on a date "with that girl from the class." The guy went into this weird defensive mode and said "she's pretty attractive, but the girl I'm dating is prettier." He didn't stop there but said how whenever he had any interaction with me it was totally awkward and bizarre. He said he never knew how to relate to me. It's just sad because I thought he liked me and I was making such an effort to be friendly against my shy nature. Today I met with this guy to talk to him about helping on the set of his student film. I was immediately attracted to him and felt this twinge of hope/possibility. After I read the response from Jake tonight I felt like a fool for letting myself be attracted to this other guy. Men just do not like me. I could go through countless negative experiences I've had. They are just not friendly to me and never seemed interested. I know this is crazy, but whenever something like this happens to me I start scheming about getting tons of plastic surgery. I guess it's my Body Dysmorphia kicking in.
Rebellious Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Ask your girlfriends instead. Maybe it's your squeaky voice
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Update. Unfortunately my immediate internal explanation was he thought I looked unattractive. I mean why else would he have been so vague? Yet, he said to me awhile ago when I asked him if he found me physically attractive "of course I do." My biggest fear is that I'll die an old spinster and no guys I like will ever be interested in me. If there's some undefinable vibe I'm giving off how am I supposed to change that? And if I'm not attractive enough there's nothing I can do either. Awww...Shadow. I'm sorry his response was not more to your liking. Cry in your pillow, have a glass of wine, take a hot bubble bath, and go to sleep. When you wake up, wash that man right out of your hair, will you? Your fears about his finding you physically unattractive are totally unfounded, and completely within you. That is one of your big insecurities, so that is what you attach the rejection to. When a guy rejects us, we always attach that rejection to whatever insecurity is plaguing us at the moment. When I was in college I thought I was overweight, so I always thought they thought I was gross and ugly. The funny thing is, it's all relative. What I thought was overweight really wasn't. Everyone else was super skinny and I was just a normal girl. I am the same weight now, and men find me attractive. I find myself attractive. If a guy rejects me, this is rarely the reason I pin it to. I pin it to whatever is bothering me at the moment. I'm old. I don't have a prestigious job like everyone else in DC. There's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is. But you see? It's all in our heads. You have a LOOOOOOOOONG way to go before you are an old spinster. I'm an old spinster compared to you, and I don't see myself that way. What, you're 24 or 25, right? Baby. As far as the vibes thing go, a lot of time that is just the particular chemistry between two people. I meet a lot of people through my job. Some i bond with right away. Some I do not. Some interactions are awkward and uncomfortable. Is that because I am awkward and uncomfortable? No. Sometimes people just don't mesh. It sounds like that is what happened with this guy. I think your best bet is to stick with doing the things you like and finding like-minded people. When you are doing the things you enjoy, the things that make you happy, you will be at your best and most happiest. That is when the real Shadowplay will be out.
Nemo Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 You have a LOOOOOOOOONG That's the follow-up text I would send to him.
Isolde Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Oh, I just thought of something. Have you ever really felt chemistry with a guy, Shadowplay? Like where everything just clicked between both people and both people felt that it was just right? Well, if you haven't, then when you do meet that person, it will probably be clearer why this guy didn't work out. As CB said, it's all relative.
Author shadowplay Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Oh, I just thought of something. Have you ever really felt chemistry with a guy, Shadowplay? Like where everything just clicked between both people and both people felt that it was just right? Well, if you haven't, then when you do meet that person, it will probably be clearer why this guy didn't work out. As CB said, it's all relative. That's the odd thing. When we knew each other in college I felt definite chemistry with this guy. But in chemistry I mostly mean that I thought at the time he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Now in retrospect it's entirely possible I imagined it. No, there was no chemistry when we had our little "date" but that was because he was so shut off. He barely said anything. I had to do most of the talking and question asking. How can you have chemistry with somebody when they're not even giving you a chance? I rarely feel chemistry with guys in general. I just don't seem to click with people when I don't know them well. But it's also about the vibes they give me. They don't give me interested or friendly vibes most of the time.
LoveLace Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Well I don't quite get that last part of his words. But basically he didn't feel the chemistry (though maybe he did attempt to see if it was there for him) and feels he lead you on...hm, that sounds familiar! My friend C instantly apologized for "leading me on". I, too, thought about my attractiveness, but I always remind myself there are plenty of guys who think I'm good-looking, they are just not guys I like! So at that, he just wants to be friends, plain and simple...and these guys both cared enough about us both to at least come back with what seems to be an honest answer...sounds like you are grateful for that, and I sure was too (some guys would totally ignore the issue). His answer was actually not all that vague to me, but it still leaves you going "huh?" - creates more questions. It's no way to live! I had to take C's answer to me as his final answer, think "oh well!" and get on with living. But seeing him again gets in the way of that some, I just found out...anyway just saying don't torture yourself with feeling under-informed. Glad you feel like you have some closure though.
Isolde Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 That's the odd thing. When we knew each other in college I felt definite chemistry with this guy. But in chemistry I mostly mean that I thought at the time he was attracted to me and I was attracted to him. Now in retrospect it's entirely possible I imagined it. No, there was no chemistry when we had our little "date" but that was because he was so shut off. He barely said anything. I had to do most of the talking and question asking. How can you have chemistry with somebody when they're not even giving you a chance? I rarely feel chemistry with guys in general. I just don't seem to click with people when I don't know them well. But it's also about the vibes they give me. They don't give me interested or friendly vibes most of the time. Chemistry isn't always two sided . It's one of those little sad things about life. When it IS two sided, though, I imagine it must be incredible... I've never had that (both sexually & emotionally). I understand about people not giving you a chance, but honestly, it goes back to: do you want to date someone who doesnt want to give you a chance? Again, what you say resonates with me, the difference is that I'm trying to not let it become a complex ("Oh, no guy I like will ever find me attractive!", etc.) If need be, I'll die trying to be positive.
Author shadowplay Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 One more thing... From his explanation do you guys think he saw it as a semi-date, or he saw it as totally platonic and then was freaked out when I seemed attracted to him? If this is the case I feel kind of annoyed because what does a guy expect when he asks a girl he knew vaguely in college out of the blue to have a drink with him? Such a gesture certainly leaves the nature of the get together open to interpretation and he shouldn't have been shocked that I misunderstood. Now I feel like I always have to be paranoid in the future about sending out "interested" vibes if a guy asks me to hang out. The whole experience has made me concerned about sending out any kind of vibes to guys, inadvertent or not. I think it's bizarre that a guy would freak out the way he did. I've never had that happen to me. I never came on to him or was overtly flirtatious when we hung out (only later). Besides which I'm not exactly fat/ugly, so why would he be so rude and put off? Even though he wasn't interested, you'd think he'd at least be flattered. His reaction seemed more like a little boy's: "Ew, she likes me. Gross." Just one thing I wanted to add. A few years ago I saw this short piece he wrote online about his experience abroad. He had visited this bar and a girl asked him to dance. He started dancing with her excitedly until she smiled and he noticed that her teeth were crooked. Then he fled the scene, made some excuse about having to go to the bathroom and laid low for the remainder of the night. This is why I felt like he was reacting to something about my appearance. I don't know what it could be, as most people seem to consider me attractive and he isn't especially handsome at least in the conventional sense. But I was wondering if it was something about my teeth...my teeth aren't terrible but I do have a gap in my front teeth and they could be straighter. When I knew him in college my teeth were slightly better and the gap wasn't there because I was wearing a retainer. I've wanted to get them fixed for awhile, but still haven't saved up enough money. Or maybe it was the lighting? The lighting was weird int he bar. But do you really think he'd be that nitpicky? Gah....I need to stop thinking about this. I really hate him for being such a tool -- acting rude and then stringing me along. How I wish I had never laid eyes on him in the first place.
Ariadne Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 He is saying.. Sorry about the confusion and goodbye.
Author shadowplay Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 He is saying.. Sorry about the confusion and goodbye. right, but that doesn't really answer why he wasn't interested, which is what I asked him...i guess I'll never know. I just I wish I didn't care so much. Any other rejection I would have stopped caring about long ago.
Ariadne Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 right, but that doesn't really answer why he wasn't interested, which is what I asked him...i guess I'll never know. Men suck, that's why.
Author shadowplay Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 Men suck, that's why. Yes, yes they do. There are a few good ones out there, though. At least I keep telling myself. I have this theory that Narcissistic guys get turned off when a girl shows interest in them. They undervalue someone that wants them. It has to be a challenge. The worst part is seeing his constant facebook updates in my newsfeed. I can't bring myself to delete him, partly because I feel like it makes me look even more pathetic (like I care enough to). My fantasy is that one day I'll become famous for doing something cool (making a movie, writing a book, whatever), he'll read about it and be like "damn, why did I let her get away." Or then running into him and it being obvious that I'm much more successful and now totally out of his league. Wouldn't that be the ultimate revenge? I know I'm smarter and more talented than he is so it's not totally implausible. In the meantime I can console myself with the fact that he's going bald.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 I think you are too hung up on the physical aspects. OK he wasn't attracted to you, it doesn't mean you aren't attractive.
Recommended Posts