I can't get over this guy... :(

[movingonandon]

I can't stop obsessing and feeling terrible about this guy who rejected me over the summer. What's odd is we only went on one semi date, but I'm STILL obsessed. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him and wonder why he wasn't interested in me. Sometimes at night I've even been brought to tears thinking about it. I do want to get over him, but it's like my mind won't cooperate. What gives?

 

If you want the full story on him:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156509/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158920/

 

What's killing me is not knowing why. If I knew the reason why he rejected me, even if it was something bad about me, I would have some closure. I've considered sending him a message in six months once the whole thing has totally blown over. Something like "Hi ----. I hope you're doing well. This may seem trivial to you, but it would mean a lot to me if you told me honestly why you weren't interested in me last summer. I promise you'll never hear from me again."

 

I don't want to affect me as much as it does but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Even when I'm not thinking about it I notice the difference in my self esteem. I was much more confident at the beginning of the summer than I am now. I feel unattractive and undesirable at this point. I keep on thinking that I must have gotten a lot uglier in the five years since he had last seen me when I was 19.

 

What is wrong with me that I'm obsessed with a guy who I barely went on one date with? It's true that I had a crush on him for seven years before that, but our "date" was the first time I had seen him or had any real contact with him in about six. What's worse is my feelings don't seem to be dissipating with time.

 

I feel like he's the only guy I'll ever be in love with, and I missed my one chance.

 

Any advice would be truly appreciated. This is seriously stressing me out.

 

 

Well, now you understand how many mane feel, and a lot more often. There is nothing you can do but get over it. I'm sure that you're perfectly fine woman that many guys would be happy with. But this particular one didn't want you, for whatever idyosincratic reason, end of story.

 

Same like applying for a job: you may feel that your background, qualifications, everything make you perfect for the job, but you still don't get hired. Nothing personal, time to move on.

 

The reason my respons has a slight (just slight, I hope) trace of being condescending is that you're dwelling on something that for the majority of men is fact of everyday life that we don't even notice. A small majority of guys become bitter and resentful - don't be like them . Blame the game, not tha playa . But it's pretty much given that in order to get one girl you're often rejected tens of times. The odds are much better for women, that's why you're so shocked when it happens to you

I've stopped even wondering why did somebody reject me at leasst about 10 years ago. Being rejected is not a reflection of you, but whatever rocks their boat, no matter how bizarre, and it's important to remember that or else you'll begin to doubt yourself for no reason at all .

[Trialbyfire]

If you're seeing a therapist, getting conflicting advice can be counter-productive. What does your therapist say or recommend that you do? I hope you're discussing this with your therapist.

[shadowplay]

Thanks for all the replies, guys! I really appreciate it. I've read all of them and will respond once the holiday is over. I'm crazy busy today.

[prettybaby]

I've learned from past experience that when I get really upset about someone ignoring/rejecting me, it's not really because of them as a person, it's because of how it hits my ego. I think once I realized that it was all a matter of my own ego, I learned to suck it in and get over it.

[axisdenied]

Wow, I just wanted to extend mad props to everyone who's participated in this thread because it is all sound advice on a problem that appears to be more common than I previously thought.

 

Shadow, this happened to me nearly two years ago. I met a girl I thought was the most amazing person I'd ever come across, felt very attracted after two dates, and then after she disappeared I couldn't let go of her for more than a year afterwards. Just like you I knew it was insane. I knew there had to be something amiss with me psychologically to remain so attached to somebody I hardly knew personally. The most prevalent thought in my head throughout this period was an irrational belief that there was no way a more 'perfect' person for me existed anywhere.

 

Nevertheless, it did all come to end where it didn't matter whether or not I ever figured out why she wasn't interested. It didn't matter how many months I'd spent reading articles about styles of attachment or how hard I looked for childhood issues that gave rise to such unstable emotional states. There was NO AMOUNT OF THINKING I could do to get rid of it once and for all. So, that's when I decided "You know what? this is bull. The problem isn't her or my psychology or my sorted past. The problem is that I'm THINKING too much!"

 

You may have your own method to combat neuroticism, but I'll share mine: do something physical. Everyday. Do yoga, exercise in a class or at home, climb rocks, ride a bike, take up skiing, whatever. Just do something to get those endorphines going and you'll start to feel better integrated. It isn't a distraction, just something to help you strike the balance. Whatshisface will fade away because it isn't something that directly engages you like these things do. Once you're past that point it'll be way easy to redirect your attention in non-physical pursuits. For me personally, after a few months of doing these things the door to my heart was wide open again and somebody ten times more deserving and compatible stepped in. I've also found it much easier to handle the usual ebb and flow of emotion all of my relationships.

 

Altogether what I'm trying to convey is a lot of what's already been said to you in here. Your state of mind is probably marked by (don't take this the wrong way) selfish amounts of introspection right now. Redirect that energy in being good to yourself. He'll go away. :-)

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Good advice, Axisdenied!

 

Good luck with school, work, everything Shadow. I SOOOOOOOO hope you can learn to "talk back" to these thoughts you are having. You ARE worth it, you know.

 

Age and experience will do you wonders. When I was in college, I was pursued but the Big Man on Campus, so to speak. This guy looked like a model, and he really had a name for himself at school.

 

Man, I didn't know what to do. I had very little dating experience. I went out with him a few times and it fizzled out.

 

i felt really bad about myself. I thought that I was a big nobody since I had been rejected by Mr. BMOC.

 

Wow, what age and experience will do for you. Ha, I would not even think twice about this guy now. The funny thing is, I thought he was boring then, but I infused too much power into him given his status at school.

 

You WILL get over this crap. You will. You are smart and thoughtful. Oh man, if I was there, I would take you out for a beer and slap some sense into you. I'm sure you are SOOOOOO much cooler than you give yourself credit for.

[Ariadne]

I apologize if I'm being frustrating or contrary. I just feel like I have no coping tools at my disposal. I really appreciate any insight you might have.

 

Is just your need for drama.

 

Your head needs to be working all the time and making all these scenarios.

 

If it's not about this guy is about Jim or Joe.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Is just your need for drama.

 

Your head needs to be working all the time and making all these scenarios.

 

If it's not about this guy is about Jim or Joe.

 

Maybe you need to be a writer. Use that imagination to your advantage.

[Ariadne]

........................

[shadowplay]

I'm really concerned that you feel this way about someone you had one bad/awkward date with.

 

Yeah, I find it disturbing too. But there's more history there because I had liked him for a bunch of years prior and been sort of internet stalking him (facebook, google) for awhile. So all this anticipation culminated in that bad date, which led to a huge disappointment.

[shadowplay]

Maybe something to do is to stop believing either way and to stop indulging yourself in yourself.

 

Perhaps it's an idea to wrap your thoughts up in something which is nothing to do with you. There are plenty of things, doing youth work for example - would bring you out of yourself and make you feel valued.

 

That's what people keep telling me and I hope it's true. Somehow that other stuff always gets put on the back burner, even though I believe actually trying it would help me. I have a long list of things I need to do to improve my life. I've tackled a few items, but still have a ways to go. Usually I get hung up on stupid stuff and neglect the really important things.

[shadowplay]

ShadowPlay and CandyGirlXO, wow, I feel so honored by your compliments. You really made my evening. Honestly, these words only come because I'm trying to convince myself of some of the same things.

 

I agree with CommitmentPhobe that volunteering is a great way to get out of a funk, but it is a short term solution because philanthropic work and one's personal life are really two separate spheres. It's no more a solution than working more hours at work would be, ultimately. So, while losing oneself in something else can lift one's spirits and indeed make a difference to others, too, it is in no way a substitute for romantic fulfillment, so can never be more than a short term 'solution.' (Shadow, I don't think you're being indulgent, for what it's worth, because you genuinely are trying to get past this. Indulgent people don't try and actually enjoy their pain.)

 

No problem. Your advice has been insightful and kind. That's my fear about volunteering and related activities. That it's just a band aid. But that's no excuse for not even trying. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. That I'll do all those things and still feel empty and unfulfilled? Would that really be so terrible?

[shadowplay]

Wow, I just wanted to extend mad props to everyone who's participated in this thread because it is all sound advice on a problem that appears to be more common than I previously thought.

 

Shadow, this happened to me nearly two years ago. I met a girl I thought was the most amazing person I'd ever come across, felt very attracted after two dates, and then after she disappeared I couldn't let go of her for more than a year afterwards. Just like you I knew it was insane. I knew there had to be something amiss with me psychologically to remain so attached to somebody I hardly knew personally. The most prevalent thought in my head throughout this period was an irrational belief that there was no way a more 'perfect' person for me existed anywhere.

 

Nevertheless, it did all come to end where it didn't matter whether or not I ever figured out why she wasn't interested. It didn't matter how many months I'd spent reading articles about styles of attachment or how hard I looked for childhood issues that gave rise to such unstable emotional states. There was NO AMOUNT OF THINKING I could do to get rid of it once and for all. So, that's when I decided "You know what? this is bull. The problem isn't her or my psychology or my sorted past. The problem is that I'm THINKING too much!"

 

You may have your own method to combat neuroticism, but I'll share mine: do something physical. Everyday. Do yoga, exercise in a class or at home, climb rocks, ride a bike, take up skiing, whatever. Just do something to get those endorphines going and you'll start to feel better integrated. It isn't a distraction, just something to help you strike the balance. Whatshisface will fade away because it isn't something that directly engages you like these things do. Once you're past that point it'll be way easy to redirect your attention in non-physical pursuits. For me personally, after a few months of doing these things the door to my heart was wide open again and somebody ten times more deserving and compatible stepped in. I've also found it much easier to handle the usual ebb and flow of emotion all of my relationships.

 

Altogether what I'm trying to convey is a lot of what's already been said to you in here. Your state of mind is probably marked by (don't take this the wrong way) selfish amounts of introspection right now. Redirect that energy in being good to yourself. He'll go away. :-)

 

"Whatshisface will fade away because it isn't something that directly engages you like these things do."

 

Thanks, that's great advice. I've been thinking of what you said all day whenever I've had the urge to just obsess or avoid important things.

 

What activities did you build into your life to redirect your thoughts? Are your feelings about this new woman as strong as they were about the other? Do you feel any trace of something missing?

[shadowplay]

If you're seeing a therapist, getting conflicting advice can be counter-productive. What does your therapist say or recommend that you do? I hope you're discussing this with your therapist.

 

I haven't talked with her about it recently because I feel like it's beating a dead horse. I actually find the advice I've gotten on here more thoughtful and helpful.

[Trialbyfire]

I haven't talked with her about it recently because I feel like it's beating a dead horse. I actually find the advice I've gotten on here more thoughtful and helpful.

Your therapist can't help you if you withhold information. How in the world will he/she be able to assess you without all the information? When you limit information, you create a person that isn't real.

[shadowplay]

Good advice, Axisdenied!

 

Good luck with school, work, everything Shadow. I SOOOOOOOO hope you can learn to "talk back" to these thoughts you are having. You ARE worth it, you know.

 

Age and experience will do you wonders. When I was in college, I was pursued but the Big Man on Campus, so to speak. This guy looked like a model, and he really had a name for himself at school.

 

Man, I didn't know what to do. I had very little dating experience. I went out with him a few times and it fizzled out.

 

i felt really bad about myself. I thought that I was a big nobody since I had been rejected by Mr. BMOC.

 

Wow, what age and experience will do for you. Ha, I would not even think twice about this guy now. The funny thing is, I thought he was boring then, but I infused too much power into him given his status at school.

 

You WILL get over this crap. You will. You are smart and thoughtful. Oh man, if I was there, I would take you out for a beer and slap some sense into you. I'm sure you are SOOOOOO much cooler than you give yourself credit for.

 

Thank you. I can tell you genuinely care about my well-being and I appreciate that.

 

I too wish I could somehow transplant the perspective I would have 20 years from now into my brain. Because I know intellectually that he's not important and I'm wasting my time, but somehow it just won't sink in on a deep level. Why is that? I don't want to waste my life. Sometimes I feel so trapped and burdened with baggage. Every movement I make in a positive direction feels incredibly heavy.

 

There will be 'duh' moments of sudden clarity where I see things in perspective and I so want to hold on to them, but they slip away.

 

That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to combat my demons. I'll keep fighting.

 

Last night I had a dream about him that set me back a bit. I realize it's not him but the feeling I've attached to him that I can't get over. In the dream I kissed him for the first time and felt this wave of relief, of total comfort and safety. Like I'm finally holding the person in my arms I've longed for all these years and that means everything will be OK with the world. This is why I have so much trouble letting go, because to me he represents this fundamental feeling of love and safety that nothing/no one else inspires. The feeling itself is deep, even if it's attached to the wrong person. I'm scared that I won't be able to feel that way about anyone else because I never have. How can someone I just met compare to somebody I've built up in my mind for seven years?

 

I've gotten cynical with age. I no longer love as freely as I used to. I rarely even have crushes on people anymore. I see everybody as mixed bags, where I used to idealize certain guys and rub away their flaws. In order to feel that kind of love, you need to be naive and innocent in a way. J is the only one who reconnects me with the childhood wonder I used to attach to the world around me.

 

(I apologize for the sappy language. Unfortunately my feelings are rather sappy. )

[shadowplay]

Your therapist can't help you if you withhold information. How in the world will he/she be able to assess you without all the information? When you limit information, you create a person that isn't real.

 

I've spoken with her about it on several occasions, just not recently. You're right that I should probably bring it up again.

[Ocean-Blue]

Shadow, how do you know this isn't just a case of "want what you can't have"?

[Isolde]

I've gotten cynical with age. I no longer love as freely as I used to. I rarely even have crushes on people anymore. I see everybody as mixed bags, where I used to idealize certain guys and rub away their flaws. In order to feel that kind of love, you need to be naive and innocent in a way. J is the only one who reconnects me with the childhood wonder I used to attach to the world around me.

 

(I apologize for the sappy language. Unfortunately my feelings are rather sappy. )

 

Actually, I think you're more likely to feel a "childlike wonder" when you find a guy that reciprocates. Don't overrate youthful innocence. I'm only 22 myself, but when I look back to highschool, when I was WAY more naive than I am now, well, I'm a lot happier now!

[axisdenied]

What activities did you build into your life to redirect your thoughts? Are your feelings about this new woman as strong as they were about the other? Do you feel any trace of something missing?

 

What I built into my life -I started a band, took up rock climbing, took up snowboarding, and began opening up more in my platonic relationships which led me to start being invited out for gatherings in others' homes or at the bar. As a matter of fact, the whole experience led me to start viewing others very differently, more healthily. The period of transition was long, but the more I directly engaged myself everyday, the less I thought about her. By the time the new girl came into the picture I was already too busy and engaged to think about the last one.

 

My feelings for the new woman were pretty strong in levels of excitement after I'd been out with her a few times (as much as the previous one), but I was more cautious about where I allowed myself to think and for how long. With the old one, I didn't have much to do but sit around and wait for her to get ahold of me, which drove me nuts. With the new one I've had to rearrange my life a bit to make time for her but it's nice because it allows us to date slowly, which I think is good for people who have previously found themselves in such problematic emotional states. The emotional component feels more balanced and worthy of the enjoyment this time. Nothing feels like it's missing because it really isn't a matter of comparing the two of them. I've found that if I really think something is missing in my life it's probably something I'm capable of providing for myself.

 

Altogether if you find yourself constantly comparing the new prospects to the guy who is so troublesome for you, you probably shouldn't be seeing anyone yet. Work on yourself for a bit and when you're ready the right situation will present itself. A note on therapy: this is personal opinion, but I think therapy is useful to the extent that it motivates you to action by rearranging your views of yourself and the world around you. If you're "beating a dead horse" with the professional over it, it's time to stop thinking and start aligning your actions with their advice.

 

Good luck! -axis

[johan]

I have to admit that I'm starting to get hung up on this guy myself. I mean, guys like him don't walk into Shadow's life every day.

[shadowplay]

Lol. Are you guys curious to see a picture? I'm tempted to post it briefly in my profile. You'll prob laugh.

[Isolde]

Lol. Are you guys curious to see a picture? I'm tempted to post it briefly in my profile. You'll prob laugh.

 

Yes, I'd love to see it.

[LoveLace]

As painful as that would be to hear, I think it would actually be easier for me to get over him if he told me that. It's the not knowing that seems to be fueling my obsession.

 

This is why I was so happy when my crush finally just told me he only wanted to be friends. It didn't make me feel inferior or unattractive; I was just so glad to know the truth. So the above is sure possible.

[shadowplay]

Warning: He's rather dorky.

 

It's up in my profile and there's another one in the album thing. Too bad the pictures are so small.