I can't get over this guy... :(

[shadowplay]

I can't stop obsessing and feeling terrible about this guy who rejected me over the summer. What's odd is we only went on one semi date, but I'm STILL obsessed. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him and wonder why he wasn't interested in me. Sometimes at night I've even been brought to tears thinking about it. I do want to get over him, but it's like my mind won't cooperate. What gives?

 

If you want the full story on him:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156509/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158920/

 

What's killing me is not knowing why. If I knew the reason why he rejected me, even if it was something bad about me, I would have some closure. I've considered sending him a message in six months once the whole thing has totally blown over. Something like "Hi ----. I hope you're doing well. This may seem trivial to you, but it would mean a lot to me if you told me honestly why you weren't interested in me last summer. I promise you'll never hear from me again."

 

I don't want to affect me as much as it does but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Even when I'm not thinking about it I notice the difference in my self esteem. I was much more confident at the beginning of the summer than I am now. I feel unattractive and undesirable at this point. I keep on thinking that I must have gotten a lot uglier in the five years since he had last seen me when I was 19.

 

What is wrong with me that I'm obsessed with a guy who I barely went on one date with? It's true that I had a crush on him for seven years before that, but our "date" was the first time I had seen him or had any real contact with him in about six. What's worse is my feelings don't seem to be dissipating with time.

 

I feel like he's the only guy I'll ever be in love with, and I missed my one chance.

 

Any advice would be truly appreciated. This is seriously stressing me out.

[Star Gazer]

What if he told you that he found you unattractive, socially awkward, and just plain boring. Would that make you feel better? Doubtful. But it's possible that he'd come back with some rude response.

 

Decide for yourself that whatever the reason, it was HIS issue, not an issue with YOU.

[shadowplay]

What if he told you that he found you unattractive, socially awkward, and just plain boring. Would that make you feel better? Doubtful. But it's possible that he'd come back with some rude response.

 

Decide for yourself that whatever the reason, it was HIS issue, not an issue with YOU.

 

As painful as that would be to hear, I think it would actually be easier for me to get over him if he told me that. It's the not knowing that seems to be fueling my obsession.

[johan]

The truth won't be any less painful to bear than the fact that you have to go on without him already is. Whatever kind of explanation he might offer won't make much difference. In the end, you have to learn to explain to yourself why what happened is ok. This is true in every case.

[shadowplay]

The truth won't be any less painful to bear than the fact that you have to go on without him already is. Whatever kind of explanation he might offer won't make much difference. In the end, you have to learn to explain to yourself why what happened is ok. This is true in every case.

 

But how do I convince myself, I mean really convince myself that it's OK when everything in me believes that 1) I lost perhaps the most important person to me ever aside from my family (this isn't an exaggeration unfortunately) and 2) it's because I'm not good enough in some way. I desperately want to believe otherwise, but I don't know how to do it when every fiber in my being is fighting back. Do I just keep repeating some mantra to myself and hope it eventually sinks in? How do I make myself believe that I'll ever be with a guy I feel that strongly about when all the evidence suggests otherwise?

 

I apologize if I'm being frustrating or contrary. I just feel like I have no coping tools at my disposal. I really appreciate any insight you might have.

[Isolde]

Shadowplay,

 

Not quite the same situation, but I dated a guy that wasn't interested (two dates) and I still think about him almost every day. I wasn't in love with him or anything, but I really liked him and was INSANELY attracted, and I often wonder what he thought of me.

 

The thing is, though, when someone rejects you, that alone is a sign that you're not good for each other, or at the very least, not good for each other at this point in your lives.

 

It's difficult to accept, and it hurts like hell, but trust that it wasn't meant to be. You didn't lose anyone, and you didn't lose any of yourself either. You're still the same person you always were.

 

If it helps, try to think of this as you would a real break-up. You can care about him and even love him if you want, but you can't possibly be IN love with someone who doesn't even want to date you.

 

I promise, it has to get better. It has to.

[Isolde]

P.S. Not good enough for what? Even when I reject guys, I never think "He's not good enough for me", because I know that each person has strengths and weaknesses, even if I can't see them.

[johan]

But how do I convince myself, I mean really convince myself that it's OK when everything in me believes that 1) I lost perhaps the most important person to me ever aside from my family (this isn't an exaggeration unfortunately) and 2) it's because I'm not good enough in some way. I desperately want to believe otherwise, but I don't know how to do it when every fiber in my being is fighting back. Do I just keep repeating some mantra to myself and hope it eventually sinks in? How do I make myself believe that I'll ever be with a guy I feel that strongly about when all the evidence suggests otherwise?

 

I apologize if I'm being frustrating or contrary. I just feel like I have no coping tools at my disposal. I really appreciate any insight you might have.

 

Well, shadow, that's the core of the matter. It would be wonderful if someone could just tell you the answers. Maybe even the guy you're talking about. But the fact is, the only valuable answers have to come from within yourself. You won't feel comfortable going through life feeling unlovable and not good enough. You will feel better when you feel the lovable and good enough. It's everyone's mistake to think that those feelings can be provided by anyone but themselves. There are people who are married to really great people who love them for years, and they never believe it's true. They always feel insecure.

 

You need to figure out, objectively and honestly, why losing this guy is ok. You know the truth, because it's the same thing you'd say to someone you really care about who is going through the same thing. You have to learn to take your own advice.

 

So pretend your best friend wrote what wrote at the start of this thread. What would you say in response?

[shadowplay]

Shadowplay,

 

Not quite the same situation, but I dated a guy that wasn't interested (two dates) and I still think about him almost every day. I wasn't in love with him or anything, but I really liked him and was INSANELY attracted, and I often wonder what he thought of me.

 

The thing is, though, when someone rejects you, that alone is a sign that you're not good for each other, or at the very least, not good for each other at this point in your lives.

 

It's difficult to accept, and it hurts like hell, but trust that it wasn't meant to be. You didn't lose anyone, and you didn't lose any of yourself either. You're still the same person you always were.

 

If it helps, try to think of this as you would a real break-up. You can care about him and even love him if you want, but you can't possibly be IN love with someone who doesn't even want to date you.

 

I promise, it has to get better. It has to.

 

Hi Isolde,

 

Thanks for understanding. How long ago were your dates with this guy? Did you ever get any indication of why he wasn't interested?

 

I want it to get better, but how can it if I never feel the same about another guy? Or worse I do and then he rejects me too?

[Isolde]

Hi Isolde,

 

Thanks for understanding. How long ago were your dates with this guy? Did you ever get any indication of why he wasn't interested?

 

I want it to get better, but how can it if I never feel the same about another guy? Or worse I do and then he rejects me too?

 

Last spring, shortly before I graduated college and left the city. I suppose the impending move could have been a reason for him not to want to get involved, but he also acted really weird around me, I'm not sure if he was shy or if he was uncomfortable around me or what. Though he'd initiated the second date, he didn't respond when I took the plunge and asked him for a third.

 

Shadow, I haven't been in love, but there are so many kinds of love. You might not feel the same way about another guy, but I guarantee you that you can feel as strongly about someone again. It might just be different in tone and intensity, but that doesn't mean it will be any less powerful and beautiful. In fact, requited love is always the best kind. I truly believe this.

 

You can't live your life in fear of rejection. You have to do what you feel is right at each crossroads, and you have to believe that you can find what you're looking for, even if you dont know yet what you're looking for. That's what I'm doing.

 

If we knew exactly what was going to happen in life we wouldn't be human. Part of the sadness AND the joy of being alive is the lack of knowledge about what lies ahead. But, you've already been through a lot of emotional ups and downs; maybe in the future, you'll be better able to sense what will bring you up.

[shadowplay]

Last spring, shortly before I graduated college and left the city. I suppose the impending move could have been a reason for him not to want to get involved, but he also acted really weird around me, I'm not sure if he was shy or if he was uncomfortable around me or what. Though he'd initiated the second date, he didn't respond when I took the plunge and asked him for a third.

 

Shadow, I haven't been in love, but there are so many kinds of love. You might not feel the same way about another guy, but I guarantee you that you can feel as strongly about someone again. It might just be different in tone and intensity, but that doesn't mean it will be any less powerful and beautiful. In fact, requited love is always the best kind. I truly believe this.

 

You can't live your life in fear of rejection. You have to do what you feel is right at each crossroads, and you have to believe that you can find what you're looking for, even if you dont know yet what you're looking for. That's what I'm doing.

 

If we knew exactly what was going to happen in life we wouldn't be human. Part of the sadness AND the joy of being alive is the lack of knowledge about what lies ahead. But, you've already been through a lot of emotional ups and downs; maybe in the future, you'll be better able to sense what will bring you up.

 

Thanks, Isolde. Your post uplifted my spirits as I hoped it would. I especially liked what you said about "having to do what you feel is right at each crossroads." I tend to live my life in fear. I also want to control things I cannot control, probably because I feel like I have no control over my life (if that makes sense). I put all my effort into things I have little control over and then neglect the things that I do.

 

For as long as I remember I have believed that certain basic pleasures most people enjoy will forever be out of my reach (requited love, friends, success, confidence). I believe on a deep level that I am flawed, abnormal individual and therefore cannot attain these things.

 

I made a quote from your post my signature. I hope you don't mind.

[konfuzd]

It really doesn't matter what his reasons are; the simple fact is that you are not the one for him. Like SG said, he may have some really mean things to say which will not make you feel better. Alternately, he will say something generic like "there just wasn't a spark", and you will come back here questioning whether he was being truthful and analyzing every word he says. This will get you no further than you are right now.

 

You were crushing on this guy for 7 years, but before your date, you were able to have other relationships with other men and put him at least temporarily out of your mind. That proves that it is entirely possible, and probable to happen again once you cross paths with another man who piques your interest.

 

I once went out with a man who I thought was my other half. We clicked and had the most intense chemistry I've ever felt initially with a person. He acted as if he felt the same way. One night, after about 4-5 monts of dating, he stood me up and eventually just faded away without giving reason. I was having the same thoughts as you. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone else, I had done something wrong etc...

 

Then I realised that before I met him, I never thought I'd meet a guy like him, yet he came along and turned out to be a deadbeat... so maybe I was looking for the wrong things. I changed my attitude to a more positive one. I know I'm better off without someone who would so easily walk away from me, and who would disrespect me.

 

When you truly believe that you deserve a wonderful relationship with a great guy and stop limiting yourself to the guy who has already proven he's not, you'll open yourself up to new opportunities you didn't even know were out there.

[Perry]

Take a look at a book that really works: "How to Fall Out of Love."

 

You may not be in love with him, but it doesn't matter. It's about how to replace a train of thoughts you do not want in your head with another, thus being able to move forward.

 

 

Perry

TheList.FM

[CandyGirlXO]

If we knew exactly what was going to happen in life we wouldn't be human. Part of the sadness AND the joy of being alive is the lack of knowledge about what lies ahead.

 

I really liked this part! I feel A LOT of the times exactly like you feel shadowplay, and Isolde gives me hope as well.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I'm sure he found you attractive, and you are not socially awkward or boring.

 

 

That simply is not the case.

[CommitmentPhobe]

How do I make myself believe that I'll ever be with a guy I feel that strongly about when all the evidence suggests otherwise?

 

Maybe something to do is to stop believing either way and to stop indulging yourself in yourself.

 

Perhaps it's an idea to wrap your thoughts up in something which is nothing to do with you. There are plenty of things, doing youth work for example - would bring you out of yourself and make you feel valued.

[Isolde]

ShadowPlay and CandyGirlXO, wow, I feel so honored by your compliments. You really made my evening. Honestly, these words only come because I'm trying to convince myself of some of the same things.

 

I agree with CommitmentPhobe that volunteering is a great way to get out of a funk, but it is a short term solution because philanthropic work and one's personal life are really two separate spheres. It's no more a solution than working more hours at work would be, ultimately. So, while losing oneself in something else can lift one's spirits and indeed make a difference to others, too, it is in no way a substitute for romantic fulfillment, so can never be more than a short term 'solution.' (Shadow, I don't think you're being indulgent, for what it's worth, because you genuinely are trying to get past this. Indulgent people don't try and actually enjoy their pain.)

[CommitmentPhobe]

I didn't mean indulgent critically, I'm impying excessive behaviour. It's a very easy thing to do to end up focusing on yourself too much and it ends up becoming a destructive thing.

 

I think doing somethning like volunteering although a short term boost is part of a longer term solution. Re-evaulating everything when you feel in a better frame of mind is part of a coping mechanism, as is breaking that negative cycle in the first place. Especially when everything seems overwhelming you need to give yourself some sort of break and get out of yourself a bit.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I completely agree with Commitment Phobe. Listen to what he says because he is right. I've done it myself.

 

You are obsessed with yourself. You must find a way to get out of your own way. Volunteer, get a dog, go to a breast cancer survivor meeting.

 

Anything.

 

These thoughts are unnatural and unhealthy. And I do think indulged is the right word. I imagine you sitting around and obsessing about this guy and yourself for hours on end. The truth is that when you focus on others, there will be less focus on yourself. And, ironically, your self esteem will rise when you are not so focused on your own imagined flaws/problems/obsessions.

 

You know I've written to you before, and I always try to be supportive. Sorry if this sounds like tough love, but you need it.

 

It does not matter what this guy thinks. It DOES NOT MATTER. You are using it as a way to reinforce the negative opinions you have of yourself. Think about that.

 

There are books out there that help with obsessive thoughts. Have you tried them? Sorry, I don't have any specifics. Are you still seeing the therapist?

 

How interested in other people are you? Do you really want to make friends? Do you really want those connections in your life? I have to tell you, I have cut off friendships with people in my life who only talk about themselves. I know people who hardly listen to a word I am saying because they can't wait to start telling me the detailed minutia of their daily lives. I am a great listener, but I don't have much patience for people who can't take the same interest in me. I don't know why you have trouble making friends, but could this be part of the problem? Forgive me if I am way off base. I just wonder.

 

You seem to be an intelligent, attractive, thoughtful woman. It is time to wash away all this nonsense and make your life happen.

[shadowplay]

I completely agree with Commitment Phobe. Listen to what he says because he is right. I've done it myself.

 

You are obsessed with yourself. You must find a way to get out of your own way. Volunteer, get a dog, go to a breast cancer survivor meeting.

 

Anything.

 

These thoughts are unnatural and unhealthy. And I do think indulged is the right word. I imagine you sitting around and obsessing about this guy and yourself for hours on end. The truth is that when you focus on others, there will be less focus on yourself. And, ironically, your self esteem will rise when you are not so focused on your own imagined flaws/problems/obsessions.

 

You know I've written to you before, and I always try to be supportive. Sorry if this sounds like tough love, but you need it.

 

It does not matter what this guy thinks. It DOES NOT MATTER. You are using it as a way to reinforce the negative opinions you have of yourself. Think about that.

 

There are books out there that help with obsessive thoughts. Have you tried them? Sorry, I don't have any specifics. Are you still seeing the therapist?

 

How interested in other people are you? Do you really want to make friends? Do you really want those connections in your life? I have to tell you, I have cut off friendships with people in my life who only talk about themselves. I know people who hardly listen to a word I am saying because they can't wait to start telling me the detailed minutia of their daily lives. I am a great listener, but I don't have much patience for people who can't take the same interest in me. I don't know why you have trouble making friends, but could this be part of the problem? Forgive me if I am way off base. I just wonder.

 

You seem to be an intelligent, attractive, thoughtful woman. It is time to wash away all this nonsense and make your life happen.

 

I'm actually the opposite in my friendships, at least before I get to know somebody super well. I tend to do most of the listening and asking of questions. I'm always afraid that I'll bore them or sound self-centered if I start talking about myself.

 

You're right that I should focus on myself less. Yes, I am seeing a therapist.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

So have you been trying to make some friends? How has that been going?

 

A crush is not reality, or even close to it. A crush is the fantasy man, the one we can project all of our hopes and wishes onto. We don't get too close, so we don't see the warts under the shiny veneer.

 

You have idealized this person to the point where you think you will not meet another like him. And yet, you admit, that he was kind of a tool when you went out on that date. Let that sink in for a minute. He was a tool, and he didn't have very good social skills. He did not match up with your previous vision of who he was.

 

So why are you still letting this guy get to you? You have infused him with so much power. Power to define who you are. How can you let this happen? It pains me to see that you are letting him do this. You have got to let go. It takes courage to go out there and say hey, I'm Shadowplay, and I'm worth it. I'm smart, and I'm a good friend, and I matter. You are so afraid to do this because you are afraid that others will shoot you down.

 

You know what I say? SO WHAT. No other person's opinion holds greater weight than any one else's. So what? Have you heard about Hollywood stars who go to auditions and the casting agents tell them they are ugly, or they have no talent, or they will never make it? And yet they do, because they have decided for themselves that they will not let those people define their lives. I read about stuff like this all the time. The only difference between them and the people who pack up their bags and go back to Oklahoma is that they persist. They take a chance on themselves, and they persist.

 

You have to decide if you are going to stand up for yourself.

[Star Gazer]

I lost perhaps the most important person to me ever aside from my family (this isn't an exaggeration unfortunately)

 

I'm really concerned that you feel this way about someone you had one bad/awkward date with.

[Isolde]

CherryBlossom has a point. It doesn't matter. I could benefit from the same advice.

 

Live in the present, observe and listen to other people, and indulge yourself in POSITIVE ways (take time to cook good food, read, go for long walks, bubble bath, etc.)

 

I think it will be easier to understand that it doesn't matter after some time has passed. You can't afford to waste any more time thinking about him, and I can't afford to waste any more time thinking about people that didn't want to date me for whatever reason.

[Addict]

Oh man! I have been in almost the exact same place!! I went on just a few dates with the guy and over the course of just a month I was locked in -- I had it so bad! I had never been like that with anyone before or since... I stalked him, went to the gym every night and worked out for two hours every evening just to get closer to him. It worked. We began talking, began a friendship. I still wanted him, was obsessed with him and thoughts of him literally consumed my mind and my very being constantly. I couldn't accept any reason he would give for not wanting to be with me. My car broke down and since we were talking quite often at that point I would get him to pick me up for the gym (I lived close but it was too cold out to walk since it was winter), he did drive me for quite some time. I would go to the gym looking like a model because I had it so bad for him -- and I was in the best shape of my life! I worked for months to get him back, to just reconsider it -- but he had no intentions of it.

 

Eventually he caught on to what I was doing after we went out to a friend's place one evening and I had a little too much homemade wine -- I made a move and he wasn't happy about it. It took what seemed like forever to get over it, but I did in time.

 

The best advice I can give you is to just make your memory let go of him any way you possibly can. Whether you believe it or not nothing he says or does will make it any better or easier to let go. You need to really do this for yourself. No one else, not even he can do it for you. You WILL love again, there is no doubt in my mind. He is NOT giving this or you any thought whatsoever and probably wouldn't even care much that you are. You are better than this and you're going to have to dig down deep and let it go and move on. Build your self-esteem up any way you can and don't give in to any negative self talk! It's not you, it's just that you weren't meant to be together for whatever reason.

 

In the end the guy I was so obsessed over revealed a rather ugly side of his personality to me and I ended up really disliking him. That may not happen in your case, but no matter what happens it will get better and get easier over time. Hang in there!!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

Live in the present, observe and listen to other people, and indulge yourself in POSITIVE ways (take time to cook good food, read, go for long walks, bubble bath, etc.)

 

 

I call this living the gourmet life, not the fast food one. Don't we deserve to treat ourselves the way we treat our friends and family?

 

Isolde, you are right. Shadow, I don't know how change your mindset. All of us can post our little quips of wisdom but at the end of the day you are the only one who can change these deeply ingrained thought patterns.

 

All I can say is that both of you are worth too much to waste your time thinking about why these men don't want to spend time with you. How is that good for you? Who cares what they think?

 

The thing is, if someone does not think they are compatible with you, then they are probably right. We can think oh, but if they only knew the real me...but it doesn't matter. Chances are highly likely that if you got to know these men, you would find things about them that you really don't like. Things that really don't work for you. Why don't you focus on that instead of all the things that could possibly be wrong with you?

 

Their opinion of us is just that- ONE PERSON'S opinion of another. This is not the reality or totality of who you are as people.

 

For example. I think I'm attractive and a pretty cool person. If I met Brad Pitt, do you think he would think I'm beautiful and amazing? Sadly, probably not when you look at who I would be compared to. Does it matter that Brad Pitt might not want to date me? Of course not.

 

A lot of people think I'm funny. A few years ago I was hanging out with a bunch of theater people who were all bouncing quips off each other at lightning speed. I couldn't even get a word in. I'm sure I looked like a boring dolt sittiong there like a lump on a rock. Am I a boring dolt? No, I'm not. Do you see it is all about perspective?