JustSomeGirl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Ok, I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible. My husband and I are separating right now. It is very painful even though I know it is best for both of us. No one cheated - we don't hate each other - we were in counseling for six months and really tried to make it work but he is clearly co-dependent (no friends, no hobbies, no life except me) and he also has a sexual problem that causes him not to be able to have intercourse for longer than about 1 to 2 minutes. Even though I have been sexually frustrated for eight years, I have not cheated but I can't go on like this. We have a small child and plan on being friends for her sake. Now, on to my question for any men that can answer...I had a guy friend that I met when I was young. We were just friends until high school when we dated - it didn't work out - then we dated again. He asked me to marry him but I thought we were too young. But, no matter how bad things got, we always stayed friends. Well, when were were both 24, I decided to take a job cross-country and he asked me to marry him one last time. Again, I told him that we were young and that I loved him very much but didn't want to screw it up. I knew this was the person I would end up with - I just knew that I was too immature to handle marriage at that point in my life. I always thought that we would end up together and I communicated that to him. Well, guess he couldn't wait as he turned around and married some girl in a quickie ceremony! He called me to tell me that his new wife told him that he cannot have female friends so he wanted me to take care and he would always love me. Six months later - she left and who does he call? Me, of course. So I fly back home and tell him everything is going to be fine. We end up sleeping together and I freak out and fly home and get married a year later. He ends up back with his wife and we don't speak for about five years. Well, he ended up divorced about three years ago and we have been friends again - my husband has met him and there is nothing sexual going on. Now that I am separating, we have started to talk about trying a relationship again. Problem is that we are 1000 miles aways from each other and both have a small child. He was totally into it and has sent numerous emails and professed his deep love for me over and over (I have always loved you and always will). Now, that it is getting down to it and we were making plans to be together he has started getting distant. He said "You know how when something you wanted your whole life is about to happen - it scares the **** out of you?" and I said "Yes - I'm scared too." and he said that he is scared that I will hurt him again. He always tells me I am the woman he wants to grow old with. I guess I can take it at face value but I thought you guys could help me figure out if he is really ok and wants to see this work. Or, if he thought may be this is what he wanted and now doesn't?
pelicanpreacher Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I think that you and OM have been living one foot in and one foot out of your marriages for the entire life of your marriages. You may not agree but I suspect your stbx has always known of your feelings for OM and has lived under this pressure to compete for your devotion throughout his time with you instead of relaxing while focusing on the growth of your marriage. Living under this sword of Damocles hung solely by you your marriage was doomed to fail no matter what improvements your stbx made in himself. This is not to say that he was perfect or without dysfunction but simply points out that the pressure of fighting your ghosts has taken such toll on the both of you that there's no fight left to begin anew. Now, onto the subject of your OM...If you are seriously entertaining the notion of moving forward into a committed relationship with him then you'd better improve your communication skills to the nth degree. Freaking out the way you did when you became intimate with him is scarring, confusing, and disheartening while reverberating for a very very very long time within his psyche. It is time for you to center yourself to find out who you really are, what you definately want out of your life to fulfill your happiness, why you feel and react the way you do to stress or dissappointment, when you'll be ready to fully give yourself heart, body, and soul to your OM and how you are going to be sure that you don't become a problem child in your new relationship like you were in your old one.
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