sumdude Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Last night my Father passed away after a long year of decline due to heart failure. I will miss him dearly but know that he is no longer struggling and in a better place. I had the great opportunity to become his friend last year as well as his son. We found ourselves in the same boat for different reasons. He lost his wife to cancer and mine ended the marriage. I hadn't spoken to my ex since April but knew I should let her know. we talked for a little while, or should I say I talked a little.. she did most of the talking. Which reminded me of one thing that made our relationship a challenge. Some people speak a lot more than they listen. She was very gracious and heartfelt in her condolences. Things about the demise of the marriage and divorce came up.. and I just didn't want to get into it. Last thing I wanted to do was defend myself or anything from the past again and get into an argument. But overall, it was good .. maybe some more 'closure' and understanding why the marriage may not have been meant to be in the first place. She again told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me and that she sometimes misses me. We both admitted that we just didn't know any better at the time and what we learned from our families about relationships was too different. My family had it's dysfunctions and hers... well let's just say it was and still is a real mess. She let me know that her father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.. I feel for her and for him. He has been on my mind at times. So I suppose me and the x still just barely have a relationship. I wouldn't call it a friendship but after that many years together as parts of each others family it's hard to let each other completely disappear from each others lives. My father's take on her was that she was emotionally unstable. Speaking with her again reinforced his opinion. He was a wise and extremely smart man.
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about your loss sumdude.
skinman Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Sumdude, I am so sorry for your loss... You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time... I pray for strength for you and all your family ... God bless you all my Friend...... Skin
Ronni_W Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My sympathies on your loss, Sumdude. Sending Comfort and Strength to you, and to all who loved your Dad.
dead-dyke Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My condolences go out to you. I'm glad you're comforted in the fact he is in a better place now.
Geishawhelk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I know this sounds very cliche, but your father's death is just an interruption. He's always with you, the memory of him and the relationship you built with one another will always be a lasting comfort to you. He'll carry on speaking to you in your mind. I don't mean you'll hear him, I just mean that his companionship was so good, he'll carry on being an influence. "Dad would have said *this*...." Be sad. But be happy. And above all, be at peace. ((hugs))
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Sorry to hear about your dad..Though you are right, as painful as losing a loved one, especially a parent is, atleast he isn't suffering anymore - And with that brings some peace. As for your ex? You two don't have a relationship, nor a friendship..It's more like a casual aquaintence from a distance - to stay in touch once in a while but not be in eachothers daily lives.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My father died in 2004 of terminal cancer. One of the things that I remembered was the information hospice had given me during his final days. It said that a person leaving us is like a ship about to sail away from its dock and out to sea. The ship will sail but think of it leaving only to dock somewhere else.
Author sumdude Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Thank you all for the kind words. Tomorrow I will have a lot to be thankful for, having had a father like mine and for all the support I get from good people everywhere. WWIU, that's about how I feel about my ex. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder but then once I got closer I could clearly see the communication problems that were always there and I had overlooked before.
Author sumdude Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 My father's take on her was that she was emotionally unstable. Speaking with her again reinforced his opinion. He was a wise and extremely smart man. I just learned something from her that changed my view of what happened with our marriage. My ex wife went through premature menopause... at 36. Right when we were married and trying to conceive. All the mood swings, anger, hot flashes, trouble sleeping, fertility issues, loss of libido... are often more severe when it comes prematurely. Add to that the stress of my mother's illness and passing as well as a host of other stressors with bad coping mechanisms. It was a perfect storm.. wow.. what a revelation. I know it may seem strange that I'm posting about this right now.. but a time of healing and understanding has come.
PWSX3 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Sumdude, just thank God for letting you spend as much time this last year with your farther as you did, he could have taken him from you before you had a chance to bond. It is sad when we lose a loved one (just got back from a funeral today) that is so close to us, but they are in a better place & they are there to watch over us. You have been through a heck of a lot this last year, & I know your dad would be proud of you.
ilmw Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Hey SD, Well it shows just how you are able to handle things.... You have come through a lot... and remain calm. You have lost so much in not that long of a time... and are able to think of others.... says a lot about your character. You sound like you are doing good... considering such loss. Take care SD:) ilmw
Gunny376 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I just learned something from her that changed my view of what happened with our marriage. My ex wife went through premature menopause... at 36. Right when we were married and trying to conceive. All the mood swings, anger, hot flashes, trouble sleeping, fertility issues, loss of libido... are often more severe when it comes prematurely. Add to that the stress of my mother's illness and passing as well as a host of other stressors with bad coping mechanisms. It was a perfect storm.. wow.. what a revelation. I know it may seem strange that I'm posting about this right now.. but a time of healing and understanding has come. First? My condolences about your lost of your Father, glad that you and he were able to bond, and grow beyond just being Father and Son. As a father I can assure you that it brought him much and GREAT comfort. With the revelation about the onset of early menopause, you've just found the answer to much of the reason why your marriage failed ~ and that has very little to do with you and what you did or didn't do. In short? You can climb down off of that "Lover's Cross" that you and I hung ourselves on. And, quit beating yourself up over what you did and didn't do! What you "should of, could of, would of"! done. Let it go! Go easy Bro ~ Go easy! Quit waiting to exhale! Breath damnit! You've got to want to LIVE! Now get your Happy~Azz out there and rub a little sunshine on your face! Granted! When you and the X got together, your initial objective might have been to drain the swamp? But when your up to your azz in alligators, snakes, snapping turtles, and Indians you tend to forget all of that.
joanneg Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 I don't think you have a relationship w/ your ex. I think that you get sad sometimes and think about what could have been or might have been. Maybe I'm wrong. It's so normal to think that way, though. Sometimes we mourn the loss of a relationship that we wish existed but never really did. Who's at fault doesn't matter. It take two people to make it work. I'm surprised that you didn't know she was going through early menopause. Didn't she tell you, didn't she know, and (if so) why didn't she tell you? The marriage ending has greater signficance to you perhaps because you were trying to conceive and, I'm assuming, weren't able to have children. It sounds like you wanted to have a child and wanted to be a dad. That's a loss right there. But, you are young (I hate that cliche but it's true). You need to move on with your life and realize you have a lot to offer someone.
Author sumdude Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I don't see it as a love relationship or even a friend relationship. Just a very tenuous relationship with someone who was a huge part of my life for a long time. My dad was part of her life and family for a while as her father part of mine. I felt it was right to let her know. This sort of contact will probably be what we have. As far as knowing about early menopause? Neither of us knew at the time. We knew there were fertility problems, she was on hormone therapy as well as other fertility treatments. She didn't find out until after she split what was really going on or perhaps she didn't tell me. There were a lot of things going on in our lives at the same time. I've been moving on for a while ... takes time to heal.
Confused9 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Sumdude, I am SO SO sorry about your dad. You are in my thoughts. xo
john30 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Sorry for your loss mate. 'some people speak a lot more than they listen' thats very good Sumdude, I like it! John.
Author sumdude Posted December 21, 2008 Author Posted December 21, 2008 So my ex wife wanted to pay her respects to my father. She didn't want to come to the funeral, which I am thankful for. It wouldn't have been good for anyone and she certainly wouldn't have been welcomed by most of the other folks there. So we met at his grave, she put down some flowers and soil from his homeland. Then we went for coffee and talked a bit. Maybe a little going over the past but no anger. We both pretty much chalked it up to a perfect storm of stresses and problems the we couldn't seem to get over. We laughed over a few things in our past, admitted that when it was great it was really great and when it was bad it well... it was pretty bad. Then she told me she just remarried last week. You know it didn't really shake me, I had pretty much assumed that was the case. The odd thing is, she said she ended up marrying a cousin of the man whose house she moved into when she left. Which I was a bit skeptical of but decided to let it go. I even wished her well, why not? But get this.. Let's call my ex Anne.. Now the guy whose house she moved into (allegedly as a roommate) when she left? Let's call him Edward Jones. The man she claims to have married is Edwards cousin, Aaron Jones. So today I'm talking with a friend who got a Christmas card from the Jones family. The names on the return address sticker? Edward and Anne Jones Guess she didn't know I knew Edwards middle name was Aaron (internet search back in the day). LOL why is she STILL bothering to lie to me. As if I wouldn't hear from my buddy about the x-mas card. Too funny, still can't keep her stories straight. I thought about sending her a final e-mail just telling her that it's silly of her to lie to me at this point and that I knew a lot more than she realized but I never sent it. No point, she's out of my life forever and I don't want her back. The woman has compulsive lying issues and that's all there is to it. My gut knew the truth a long time ago when she left. Even if her relationship with the OM wasn't physical (yeah right) at the time she left me she sure as hell ended up marrying the guy and I'd bet that they've been married longer than a week. Probably as soon as both their divorces were official they married. Long and short of it is... after everything I've been through the last few years I have pretty much found that indifference to her. When she said she was married I barely blinked. Today for a second I was angry about the continued deception then I just decided.. who cares? Why would I want that in my life anymore? So what if she found and married someone while I'm still single... unless she changes it ain't gonna be hunky dory but that has absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. Sure, I wasn't a perfect husband. I had my issues, weaknesses etc etc But in the end I sleep just fine at night, my conscience is clear. I was imperfect but my actions were at least honest and honorable. It wasn't my fault, maybe partially but in reality it was mostly about her and her issues. Right now I'm just glad i don't have to live with someone who gives me constant doubt about what is or isn't true. I've been thinking about the whole thing.... all the drinking I was doing at the time. Which was one of the prime reasons she said she left. Yep, I was drinking like a fish. I was definitely looking like an alcoholic. Yet now, I can drink and it's nothing like it was back then. I was in a mental bomb shelter using the drink to numb myself. Also? I think I was drinking to quiet that inner voice, that instinct that was telling me something just wasn't right. Silencing those constant doubts about my ex, the resentments, my own unmet needs. Inside I knew long before that the relationship wasn't right, that my ex wasn't right but I was in denial. Drowning the fear of leaving the relationship myself and not finding someone else. Now I'm here and it's OK to be alone, far better than being with someone who can't be truthful and who could just use me up and move on the next one once I fell. For everyone suffering the pain, the doubts, the fears. One day You'll find this place. Took me about two years.. Here's to a Merry Christmas and I'm really looking forward to the new year.
LakesideDream Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Heartfelt condolences for your loss SD. I hope for the best for you and all yours this holidays.
skinman Posted December 21, 2008 Posted December 21, 2008 For everyone suffering the pain, the doubts, the fears. One day You'll find this place. Took me about two years.. Here's to a Merry Christmas and I'm really looking forward to the new year. SumDude, Its is encouraging to see that you have moved on.. you know my story my friend and i wish for myself that I could do the same...so far that is not the case... I wish you the best in 2009 my friend... may you be blessed with much happiness and contentement.... God Bless and much strength to you SD.... Skin...
Author sumdude Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 SumDude, Its is encouraging to see that you have moved on.. you know my story my friend and i wish for myself that I could do the same...so far that is not the case... I wish you the best in 2009 my friend... may you be blessed with much happiness and contentement.... God Bless and much strength to you SD.... Skin... Thanks Skin. Honestly, today i just feel disgusted by the whole thing.
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