Author Confused father Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Ohhhh wow. Duh. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Well, that is interesting to ponder. Hopefully it won't be that long a wait.
OWoman Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 But, uh, I can feed my friend. i can feed. And the cajun seafood is the killer my boy. Um ConDad, I think Owl was referring to feeding FEELINGS, but I'm starting to understand where the need for that gastric bypass came from
Author Confused father Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Um ConDad, I think Owl was referring to feeding FEELINGS, but I'm starting to understand where the need for that gastric bypass came from hehehe.... shrimps, crawfish and redfish ain't got no fat!!! But maybe butter does?
Author Confused father Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Today, at work, and without crossing the line, the OW said "This is going to work, we are doing the right thing." Then went back to normal. It was the best feeling I've ever had, and nothing more needed to be said. When the goal is right, you can find the strength to reach it. Now, the question for the day is.... what do I get the W for Christmas? I'm thinking inversion table.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 You can plainly see that your wife resents you but do you really know the core reason why? From your posts you've related that she has had minimal interaction or involvement with the day to day responsibilities for raising your daughters and thus believe that you would naturally make the obvious choice as the custodial parent in a divorce to which I agree. However, looking back on your marriage prior to her affair you stated that at the time it occurred you were involved in helping to build homes for people who lost theirs in Katrina. As altruistic as that may be did you ever think to engage your idle time after the children were old enough to spend hours away from the home in school to gain employment or start a business to help defray the costs of your lifestyle and maybe relieve some of the financial burden carried by your wife? I can totally empathize with your reaction to her infidelity's betrayal and pain but it seems as if becoming self sufficient only became an issue when you received a wake-up call that your marriage was in trouble. Your wife's snarky comments speak to her deeper resentment that, by poorly thought out prior arrangement, caused her to chaff at the notion that she had to carry the financial load for so long while having to sacrifice her motherly instinct to grow in involvement in her children's lives and now may be feeling somewhat trapped into slogging up this isolated road for the rest of her life because she allowed you to be a SAHF without demanding that you take on more financial responsibility for sustaining the household. I'm glad that your business is doing well but do you think that if you would have initiated it's start prior to her affair to allow her to decrease her patient load and connect more frequently with the family that things may be different today?
Author Confused father Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 You can plainly see that your wife resents you but do you really know the core reason why? From your posts you've related that she has had minimal interaction or involvement with the day to day responsibilities for raising your daughters and thus believe that you would naturally make the obvious choice as the custodial parent in a divorce to which I agree. However, looking back on your marriage prior to her affair you stated that at the time it occurred you were involved in helping to build homes for people who lost theirs in Katrina. As altruistic as that may be did you ever think to engage your idle time after the children were old enough to spend hours away from the home in school to gain employment or start a business to help defray the costs of your lifestyle and maybe relieve some of the financial burden carried by your wife? I can totally empathize with your reaction to her infidelitie's betrayal and pain but it seems as if becoming self sufficient only became an issue when you received a wake-up call that your marriage was in trouble. Your wife's snarky comments speak to her deeper resentment that, by poorly thought out prior arrangement, caused her to chaff at the notion that she had to carry the financial load for so long while having to sacrifice her mother's instinct to grow in involvement in her children's lives and now may be feeling somewhat trapped into slogging up this isolated road for the rest of her life because she allowed you to be a SAHF without demanding that you take on more financial responsibility for sustaining the household. I'm glad that your business is doing well but do you think that if you would have initiated it's start prior to her affair to allow her to decrease her patient load and connect more frequently with the family that things may be different today? Good questions, but you misunderstood. i was not rebuilding other people's homes. i was rebuilding OUR home. It was flooded by 23' of ocean and was left standing. In order to get my family out of shelters, trailers, charity housing, I precipitated our insurance proceeds and started work early. I gutted the house to the frames, cleaned it for mold, and then started the rebuild. I was able to get them back into the upstairs of the house 5 months later, MUCH faster than the rest of the neighborhood. The rest of the house was livable 4 months later. I was not unemployed these years as a stay at home father. I helped build her practice, managing the money aspects so she could concentrate on patients. I also substitute taught, and tutored online. It was while I was living in the shell of the house, killing animals coming in seeking food and stopping looters from coming up the bayou in boats for our generator and gas and surviving stuff that she decided I wasn't doing enouigh for her and had the affair.... if what she admits is the truth. But since it was VERY possible for them to have actually met before hand, and she is not forthcoming about that time, i suspect it was already underway. The OM/MM is basically a superhero, a corpsman for the force recom marines and SEALs. I wasn't that, so I lost out. She resents me for not being a sculpted from granite marine. meanwhile the hero was cheating on his wife while I was rebuilding our lives. That work tore my back apart, resulting in surgery to replace my L1-S5 disk. So I have a nice physical scar from teh time to go with my emotional one, and the total stress made a nice mental one too. But I tried for 3 years to forgive and forget for our kids. I cannot.
RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Your reality check led me to make a decision that is best for all parties, and we are going to stick to it, no matter what.My reality check led you to make a decision? Wow, that sounds like I was helpful? I wonder in which way. Maybe I misunderstood you. So many of you women are so jaded now.... and I'm sure many of you think I'm just another *********... but I would simply challenge you to an evening in my shoes.I am not here to judge you. I am originally from Europe where the moral codex is less narrow than in the US. I understand your position and your desire to leave, but I am afraid that things might develop in a way that you don't expect. The fact is, you don't really hold all cards. Or at least not yet.
Author Confused father Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 One card I have... I have saved, physical proof that she cheated while married with a married former patient. If she wants to fight and get nasty, I can ruin her practice. i DO NOT want to have to do that, but it is a big whoppin' Ace of Spades. The only lawyer i spoke to during the finding out about her was the one that wrote the bylaws for the APA on the matter. They don't make many cards like that. Yes, you (and others) helped me try, and succeed, in settling my emotions and facing this situation from a more realistic point of view, and it has made a difference.
RecordProducer Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 One card I have... I have saved, physical proof that she cheated while married with a married former patient. If she wants to fight and get nasty, I can ruin her practice. i DO NOT want to have to do that, but it is a big whoppin' Ace of Spades. It's bullkrap! In order for you to use this card, you have to threaten/blackmail. Chances are, she won't get scared at all until you really use it. Even if you use it, it likely won't do her much harm. And what idiot would try to hurt his wife's income if she is supposed to pay him alimony? She knows you're not an idiot and she doesn't know whether you'll ask for alimony or not. My bets are that you will. A real card in your hands is when you're 1. financially independent and 2. strong enough to get (joint) custody of the kids. Playing dirty with the mother of your children is not a good idea. You'd be hurting your children. Besides, if you would manage to cause damage to her practice (which I highly doubt) she will get so mad, she'll ruin everything you ever start. Don't mess with people, you might get hurt. Finally, infidelity doesn't make her a bad doctor (or even hooking up with a former patient). Ruin her practice and she'll pack the kids and move far away, you won't even know where she and the kids are. Don't be a fool, SHE has money, cuz she is a doctor. She can get a highly paid job anywhere in the US. You have nothing. Six months of living is nothing. What is it, like $15K? Do you make enough money each month to afford a comfortable living? Probably not. You would have to ask for alimony, which means you will depend on her for a long time.
travelgirl Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 You know, at first I did feel a little sorry for you but the more you post and post the more I realize you are going down a destructive path. Being this mean and revengeful will doing nothing but destroy your kids and any normal relationship you could have with their mother. You may love this OW but you have NO IDEA where it is going to lead to in the future. None. But you will have to spend the rest of your life in contact with W and the kids you conceived together no matter what the outcome. You posting remarks about you and OW doesn't do anything to justify the situation. Her remark today only clouds the issues you really need to be dealing with. That is getting closure with your W, having a smooth divorce and taking care of your children who are going to have LOTS of issues. You can't even begin to bring OW into your life - not even after the divorce is finalized. You need to be there for yourself and your kids. You need to come to terms with how bad your marriage got and why, do some soul searching, get an independent life and get your kids settled - before you drift off into fantasyland with OW. And the snide remarks about your W (weight, christmas present, ace card to destroy her) just says you have nothing but hatred and anger about the situation even if you sit here over and over again and try to convince this forum you are fine now. What you are is fine with OW - not your family's situation. What you haven't done is dealt with the feelings (good, sad, angry, etc...) that have come of your marriage and how it will effect your family and you in the future. You aren't dealing with them because you are in fantasyland with OW and seem to feel calm with her presence. She is subconsciously just allowing you to bury your feelings and move on with her. It is the wrong move. It will come back and haunt you, even if you end up staying and marrying OW. If you haven't yet - take a look at this thread. It isn't the same exact situation but I think he felt many things you do right now. It is a long thread so only read his posts, especially the ones toward the end when he starts to realize some of the damage he has done not only to his family but to himself. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164208/ Good Luck
Author Confused father Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 I have reason to believe that this website has been viewed by someone else I know. i would like to request teh deletion of this entire thread, asap, thank you.
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 They won't delete threads, that's why giving little detail in the sense of names, places and some even go so far as deleting history on their computer so people don't find out about this place and what's been said. I take it the someone is either your wife or someone at work? Anyway, the other option is, create a new username and come back sometime in the future when things have calmed down. Good luck CF.
RecordProducer Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 They won't delete threads, that's why giving little detail in the sense of names, places and some even go so far as deleting history on their computer so people don't find out about this place and what's been said. I take it the someone is either your wife or someone at work? Anyway, the other option is, create a new username and come back sometime in the future when things have calmed down. Good luck CF.I figured he works for himself, from home. He doesn't go to work. And his only employee is the OW. He asked for the thread to be deleted, which means he was hoping that "someone" did not have the chance to read it yet (or to tell their mother, for example). It's probably either a child or the wife or a neighbor/friend. In any case he is afraid to get caught. If his wife caught him, I would love to see her post her version of the story. If you can't afford to get caught - don't cheat.
Athena Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 I have reason to believe that this website has been viewed by someone else I know. i would like to request teh deletion of this entire thread, asap, thank you. perhaps someone called him a "confused father" and he assumed the person knew his online name?! lol
travelgirl Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 If his wife caught him, I would love to see her post her version of the story. Same here. What a great thread that would be if they both went back and forth with one another. Classic!
Author Confused father Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 False alarm, website with similar graphics. So glad to see you all ready for trouble in my life for your entertainment though, real cute. A lot of you think you are a LOT smarter and insightful than you actually are.
2sure Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 A lot of you think you are a LOT smarter and insightful than you actually are. You are a small and spiteful man. You are clearly terrified of your 300 lb wife and resent her for it. Ewww.
Athena Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 So glad to see you all ready for trouble in my life for your entertainment though, real cute. A lot of you think you are a LOT smarter and insightful than you actually are. LOL, so NOW the truth comes out... our advice has not been so good after all. Anyway, yeah, we are ready for you to entertain us!
RecordProducer Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 So glad to see you all ready for trouble in my life for your entertainment though, real cute. A lot of you think you are a LOT smarter and insightful than you actually are.CF, despite of me being harsh with you (I'd be the same with my brother or best friend), I don't think that you're a bad person or anything. Regarding your vindictive thoughts, good people also have them. Thoughts and actions are two different things. I see you as a devoted father in a bad marriage and I understand you way more than you know. But I don't think it will do much good to you if I tell you how I understand you and you should follow your heart. Your position is not as peachy as you think and I think waking you up does more good than agreeing with you. No, I didn't want your wife to post here for entertainment purposes. I have higher criteria for entertainment than reading about people's problems. I prefer solving people's problems. If I can say something constructive vs. comfort you, I'll do the former. I thought if your wife found out, it would be better if she posted here, so we can help ypu. But seeing the other comments, I think you would have more people on her side than yours. So forget my comment. I just hope nobody finds out. If your wife cheated on you, then you basically have a right to cheat on her, too. Why do you have to leave her?
HappyAtLast Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 would your responses to her be the same as they are to confused father. Somehow, sadly, I think not.
serial muse Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Mine would as well, of course. Why should my advice be any different?
pelicanpreacher Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Confused Father, thank you for clarifying some of my questions however, your posts still present a shifting picture which makes it difficult to fully ascertain your situation. On one hand you've stated that even though your wife gained weight you remain fairly fit through regular excercise yet, when she had gastric bypass surgery, you decided to diet because you didn't want to remain the fat one in the marriage? You also mentioned that your wife became enamored with her AP because of his good looks, physique, and military career as a marine and navy seal. You appear somewhat initimidated by the guy and his credentials yet are still able to, strictly upon the merits of your being, attract the attention of a younger prettier woman than your wife who by now has grown to 300 lbs and is unattractive to you anyways. Now, by your own admission, her affair was entirely internet based which doesn't come anywhere near the threshold for a marriage threatening engagement such as those involving physical or verbal contact. Let's face it, there's only so much emotion that can be emoted over a computer screen no matter how long the interaction's time span took place. Your affair however is far more intense in that you've been able to interact more often face to face to look into each other's eyes and touch each other, if only to hug, hold hands, or kiss. What has obviously harmed your marriage beyond the racy internet friendship between your wife and her ex patient were things that she wrote directly about you that somehow undermined you in ways you perceived to be cruel, unfair, or unwarranted. What's not as obvious but has also harmed your marriage just as badly is your cold shoulder and constant rejection of your wife over the last 3 years which has taken its toll and probably contributed psychologically to the reason that she became depressed or anxious and gained all that weight. If she's been coming home to the same cold shoulder every day after work this might be the reason that she is in no big rush to come home. And if you think that she can't feel the disdain in your eyes then either you don't know women or you aren't paying much attention to the pain in hers. I think that this speaks volumes to her current mental and emotional state regarding her outburst about your decision to go on a diet at this time. As to the possibility that she's currently engaged in an affair I'd say, at her weight level, it would be highly unlikely for her self-esteem regarding her appearance would make her far too shy to chance rejection by as yet, another man. Thus, as I've state before, I believe her lateness in coming home is more likely a result of the time she needs to mentally prepare herself for the icy reception she knows awaits her than the possibility of another affair. Beyond the snarky comment made about the fact that you didn't have a body that could compare with a "recon" man, could you please elaborate on what the gist of her other complaints were that cut you to the quick and raised your ire? Also, at least up until her affair was revealed, were you still managing her medical practice full time? Lastly, you never really did answer my question about whether you think starting the business that you're currently involved with far earlier in the marriage might have had any impact on her level of respect for you as a husband or a man and whether its additional income might have been the catalyst needed to allow her to step back from her practice to spend more time with her family?
Owl Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 Confused Father, thank you for clarifying some of my questions however, your posts still present a shifting picture which makes it difficult to fully ascertain your situation. On one hand you've stated that even though your wife gained weight you remain fairly fit through regular excercise yet, when she had gastric bypass surgery, you decided to diet because you didn't want to remain the fat one in the marriage? You also mentioned that your wife became enamored with her AP because of his good looks, physique, and military career as a marine and navy seal. You appear somewhat initimidated by the guy and his credentials yet are still able to, strictly upon the merits of your being, attract the attention of a younger prettier woman than your wife who by now has grown to 300 lbs and is unattractive to you anyways. He complains that he can't compete with a Force Recon/Navy Seal corpsman...but then belittles his wife's weight and appearance. Hmmm...actually, it makes me speculate what it was about his wife that attracted Reckie boy...must have been something there that he saw that CF doesn't. I get why he's hurt by his wife's affair...do NOT take me wrong here. But again, HER choice to cheat does NOT make HIS choice to cheat OK. Now, by your own admission, her affair was entirely internet based which doesn't come anywhere near the threshold for a marriage threatening engagement such as those involving physical or verbal contact. Let's face it, there's only so much emotion that can be emoted over a computer screen no matter how long the interaction's time span took place. Your affair however is far more intense in that you've been able to interact more often face to face to look into each other's eyes and touch each other, if only to hug, hold hands, or kiss. I want to wholeheartedly disagree with you here, Pelican. Not sure if you remember my story, but I would point out to you that an EMOTIONAL affair (even one conducted primarily over the internet) is every bit as damaging and devestating as a PHYSICAL one. Potentially moreso when it's done remotely, such as over the internet. There's a whole "fantasy element" that is created during this, that often is harder to beat than the reality of a 'present' OM/OW. What has obviously harmed your marriage beyond the racy internet friendship between your wife and her ex patient were things that she wrote directly about you that somehow undermined you in ways you perceived to be cruel, unfair, or unwarranted. What's not as obvious but has also harmed your marriage just as badly is your cold shoulder and constant rejection of your wife over the last 3 years which has taken its toll and probably contributed psychologically to the reason that she became depressed or anxious and gained all that weight. If she's been coming home to the same cold shoulder every day after work this might be the reason that she is in no big rush to come home. And if you think that she can't feel the disdain in your eyes then either you don't know women or you aren't paying much attention to the pain in hers. I think that this speaks volumes to her current mental and emotional state regarding her outburst about your decision to go on a diet at this time. As to the possibility that she's currently engaged in an affair I'd say, at her weight level, it would be highly unlikely for her self-esteem regarding her appearance would make her far too shy to chance rejection by as yet, another man. Thus, as I've state before, I believe her lateness in coming home is more likely a result of the time she needs to mentally prepare herself for the icy reception she knows awaits her than the possibility of another affair. Beyond the snarky comment made about the fact that you didn't have a body that could compare with a "recon" man, could you please elaborate on what the gist of her other complaints were that cut you to the quick and raised your ire? Also, at least up until her affair was revealed, were you still managing her medical practice full time? Lastly, you never really did answer my question about whether you think starting the business that you're currently involved with far earlier in the marriage might have had any impact on her level of respect for you as a husband or a man and whether its additional income might have been the catalyst needed to allow her to step back from her practice to spend more time with her family? These are some great points to consider. Again, I just don't get CF's perspective. If he's unhappy and unable to rebuild his marriage after her cheating...I understand it. The answer is simple. File for divorce, end the marriage, move on. He's moving down that path, but only AFTER having started an affair of his own. I applaud his choice to 'move on'...but deplore his affair, and his attempts to "legitimize it' by blaming the whole situation on his wife. Sorry CF, but your wife didn't "force" you to start drooling on your coworker, no more than you "forced" your wife to start panting after Reckie boy.
pelicanpreacher Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 No! No! No! No! Owl! I don't mean to minimize the impact of breaching the marital boundary by discussing the marriage with a would be competing suitor under any medium of communication. A boundary breached is a boundary breached and so the warning bells should be immediately sounded the moment the boundary is breached. I was speaking more to the escalation aspect for there is always a starting point and an ending point to all journeys and the danger is relative to distance traveled and benchmarks exceeded in the distancing process of one spouse to the detriment of the other during the course of an affair.
Recommended Posts