Confused father Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 First time poster, long time un-registered reader. Three years ago, while we were rebuilding, or rather, I was rebuilding our home from Katrina damage, I caught my wife having an affair. It was internet based, but I cannot be certain that they had not met in the previous 5 years of our marriage, as there were opportunities and she has never fully disclosed to me all I had asked her to. At the time, I was a stay at home dad. My wife is a physician, and the affair was with a former patient. I also got to read a lot of what she wrote about me, and it soured the marriage. We have two daughters which I have raised, and coached, and love, and I did not want to leave them, but I was making no money and could not just up and leave even if I would eventually win custody (my wife is a fighter and will not just let this go when it happens), so I decided to stay for them and just try and let it go. During the past three years, our marriage has turned into a partial friendship. we don't get along that well, she has let her weight get as high as 300 pounds (but has no had the bypass surgery and is losing weight but is facing more surgeries and that operated on look and forever not being able to eat normally- and I LOVE to cook Southern food), and we have sex maybe 4-5 times a year. As the kids got old enough, I began to look for a way to make money, and have started a new business with excellent growth potential and little overhead cost. Just when I began thinking of leaving her in 4-5 years on my own, and starting over anew, there was a spark with an OW. I have known the OW here in town for three years. we have coached together, always gotten along well, and within the past two weeks things have developed rapidly. I found out she needed work, hired her, and it blossomed. She is amazing. I am finding it harder and harder to keep it to myself. I hate hiding the OW relationship, hate the sneaking and cheating. I am possibly a mere 3-4 months from earning enough income to leave my wife and asking for no alimony, and trying to make in as clean and friendly as possible, but how can I keep her from finding out about the OW? Do I have to? How long do I have to wait to make "us" public? I'm sure I left out important details. Ask away. i need good advice and can't ask anyone but her, and she isn't exactly impartial.
norajane Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Why don't you end things with OW until you leave your wife and are divorced? That's the fair thing to do for the OW. Why would you put someone you care about in the position of being an OW?
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I'm sure I left out important details. Ask away. i need good advice and can't ask anyone but her, and she isn't exactly impartial. Simple, just don't touch the OW until the divorce starts. Otherwise, don't hide her... just hide your feelings.
Author Confused father Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Well, that sounds easy, but we work side by side every day. We keep most of everything to email, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I do hate putting her into such a position. She is single, so there isn't another spouse out there. Our feelings are out there already, it went from nothing but friendship and mutual unknown "crushes" to POW in about 45 minutes with no warning. I've thought for years she was great but never thought she'd give me the time of day. Turns out she felt the same way. Every night for the past week I have sat at home and written her my life's story in chapters. I write her poems and stories... it doesn't make it easier to see her the next day. She is smart, and she doesn't try to tease or entice me purposefully, but if we make eye contact for more than 10 seconds.... it hurts. Yeah, I got it bad. Almost 41 and I feel 18 again.
Ronni_W Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Yeah, I got it bad. Almost 41 and I feel 18 again. Isn't that just the *best* age to feel 18 again??? -- I'm happy that you're going to be happy. Here's my take: You survived Katrina, and you survived your wife's infidelity. Then you spent 3+ years doing what, in your mind, heart and soul, was the "right thing" for your kids, even though that may not have been the best thing for you. So. You can survive another 4 months (or 8, if it came to that) continuing to do what is the "right thing" for your kids...living by your own values, principles and integrity. You can survive another 4 months role-modeling for them your own highest vision of yourself -- the choice is about whether you are willing to do that.
Author Confused father Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Isn't that just the *best* age to feel 18 again??? -- I'm happy that you're going to be happy. Here's my take: You survived Katrina, and you survived your wife's infidelity. Then you spent 3+ years doing what, in your mind, heart and soul, was the "right thing" for your kids, even though that may not have been the best thing for you. So. You can survive another 4 months (or 8, if it came to that) continuing to do what is the "right thing" for your kids...living by your own values, principles and integrity. You can survive another 4 months role-modeling for them your own highest vision of yourself -- the choice is about whether you are willing to do that. You are right, I have to be patient. I think we can do it, we've talked about it. We want it to be as smooth and painless as possible. She understands. I'll do my best. It's the hours we spend together each day that are the hardest, no one else is around. The tension is unbelievable.
Author Confused father Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Okay, I feel almost 18 again, how did you feel when you found out about the affair she had? How did you view her character? What do you think of her? Do you respect the woman you say you love? Why would you want that character assissanition for her? Do you want her viewed as less than respectable? Read some of the boards about what people say about ow and cheating men. No matter what the reason, there is no reason not to do the right thing. You did choose to stay with your wife. You have chosen having enough money over your relationship with this woman. It's all about the choices. Wow you seem bitter. Sorry. I am trying to insure that I can feed myself first. I am just starting this business, and can't take custody of my kids, which I will win easily, without a home to put them in. Also, this would not be happening at all if she had not decided years ago that being married to be was, in her words, "a tragic mistake I will always regret."
Ronni_W Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Every night for the past week I have sat at home and written her my life's story in chapters. I write her poems and stories... it doesn't make it easier to see her the next day. ...if we make eye contact for more than 10 seconds.... it hurts. It's the hours we spend together each day that are the hardest, no one else is around. The tension is unbelievable. As I see it, you ought to be doing more to support your own cause -- why engage in mental and physical activities that are exacerbating your current problems and increasing your desires for each other? STOP writing her poems and stories -- there will be time enough for that, after 4 months. STOP gazing into each other's eyes for even 1 second. MINIMIZE, as far as possible, the time that you must spend together especially alone. Release your tension at the gym, or working the garden, or something. I think it is unnecessarily putting yourself at risk of doing something that you might regret, if you don't eliminate the thoughts and behaviours that are the most dangerous. Self-discipline isn't a bad thing to role-model for your kids, is it? You CAN do this...it's just temporary. Happiness and inner peace shall be your well-deserved rewards. Worth delaying gratification for, yes?
Walk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I agree with the poster who said you need to be patient and wait out the 4 - 8 months. However, I'm not sure that's practical in your case. You sound as though you're past the point where your logical mind is in control. (not saying that as an insult, it just seems like that's where you're at) This is my thought. Screw the money. If the business is going to be a success, then it will be whether you stay at home or not. For practical reasons, you'd be wiser to move on the divorce now then wait until after your business starts making money. Your wife is going to try to take half of it (she'll be bitter and want to hurt you). If you leave prior to the sucess of the business then she can't take it. Retain a lawyer now. Ask him (or her) about different courses of action and how those will affect you financially. I'd think that if you left now, then you could get alimony and potentially child support from your wife. If you leave after you get money, then the judge won't be as liberal with the decision as he would've been prior to you earning money (if you get any at all). I don't condone your affair, but I can understand it. One thing I learned from experience though is don't involve your OW in the mess of the marriage. You'll kill whatever spark the two of you currently have. Make a clean escape from the wife, and then start your relationship with the OW. If that means you have to cut contact with the OW to only during work hours, then do so. But don't allow your desire for instant gratification to destroy something that could be good for you for a long time down the road. Think long term rather then Right Now.
norajane Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 One thing I learned from experience though is don't involve your OW in the mess of the marriage. You'll kill whatever spark the two of you currently have. Make a clean escape from the wife, and then start your relationship with the OW. If that means you have to cut contact with the OW to only during work hours, then do so. But don't allow your desire for instant gratification to destroy something that could be good for you for a long time down the road. Think long term rather then Right Now. This is very true. If you read the threads in the OW/OM forum, you'll find there are OW's who are miserable because they're being dragged through the MM's separation and divorce and it's destroying their relationships. If you really want things to work out with this lady, you won't put her through that, and you'll have enough respect for her that you don't make her the Other Woman in your marriage. If you really want things to work out with her, you'll wait until you actually have something worthwhile to offer her - a life together without secrets and lies.
Author Confused father Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 1. Thanks to everyone for sound advice, questions, comments, encouragement, chastizing. 2. Bentnotbroken, I apologize for being curt and rude to you. That was wrong. It wasn't meant to be as rude as it seemed when I reread it after seeing your last post. I just was saying that you obviously must have been on another side of a similar situation. I appreciate your thoughts and questions, even if it makes me uncomfortable to think about or answer them. You are not out of line at all. No, what I am doing isn't "right". I am aware of that and do not want the reality I have as my reality, nevertheless..... I am trying to what is right for all parties to the best of my ability. No one is going to come away from this 100% happy. I stated in my original post that I intended, without meeting anyone or ever straying or cheating, not at all. This event was not sought, but it can't be denied. I am going to keep writing her, but I am not going to give it to her yet. She knows. And we can wait. We are both aware of how good it can be, so we are making the decision to wait. I'll be posting and reading, and thanks again to everyone. This place is helping a lot. It is hard for me to keep this all inside. I've never had to hide feelings like this, and I haven't had them this powerful in a long time.
Author Confused father Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 I'd think that if you left now, then you could get alimony and potentially child support from your wife. If you leave after you get money, then the judge won't be as liberal with the decision as he would've been prior to you earning money (if you get any at all). I am not going to seek any. I don't want the hassle, and I don't think it's fair. I plan on trying to get custody, but not restricting her from seeing them at all. I know that she will be a part of my life as we raise them, so I need to make it best for the kids. I do not want her to be bitter or hateful over writing me a check.
Holding-On Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I am not going to seek any. I don't want the hassle, and I don't think it's fair. I plan on trying to get custody, but not restricting her from seeing them at all. I know that she will be a part of my life as we raise them, so I need to make it best for the kids. I do not want her to be bitter or hateful over writing me a check. That's good. That will give you a bargaining chip you can give away for something you DO want. If, as you have implied, she is quite ruthless and will fight you tooth and nail then I think you are wisest to have as many bargaining chips as you can get. Also, when you could have taken her for alimony and didn't, you're going to make a more obvious statement about compromise than having worked to get to the point where you didn't merit alimony legally before splitting - a fact she isn't likely to appreciate.
Agent_99 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 First time poster, long time un-registered reader. A little off the topic, but is this a refrence to Mr. Obvious? As for your story. I would say to start talking to a lawyer now. Whether or not you take action immediately. The moment I realized my marriage was not going to work, I left. I know that isn't the path for everyone though. How do you think your wife is going to react to this? ~99
Author Confused father Posted November 28, 2008 Author Posted November 28, 2008 No it isn't a reference to anyone but cheesy talk radio callers. How will teh wife take it? Well last night she dropped teh bombshell, she didn't think it is working. I have always thought she may still be carrying on, and my suspicions are higher, but I am not going to try and find out. I don't want this to get bitter. She told me she knows she isn't making me happy, and that she knows I haven't gotten over what happened 3 years ago, and that she can't be what I want. So, I think the path is being opened to me. It's as if all this unfolded without me creating it, the path is just opening, and I am amazed. I am proceeding very carefully. I am going to start seeking a lawyer Monday. She also wants to try MC, and I am fine with that, as I think it will drive us further apart rather than closer together. I think the split can be done as amiably and clean as possible. I am awaiting the reaction from the OW to this development last night. The best part is that the subject of me and other woemn never came up in teh long crying bout last night. I just have to be patient and true.
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Why do you want to keep the OW a secret? Your wife isn't stupid so eventually she's going to ask you if there's someone else.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 So, I think the path is being opened to me. It's as if all this unfolded without me creating it, the path is just opening, and I am amazed. I am proceeding very carefully. I don't see what's opening for you. I see things closing for you, in every sense of the word. In your mind, you will be independent in a few months, living with your kids and the OW. Your wife will write you checks and see the kids whenever she wants. This is a perfect scenario. The perfect scenario is always unlikely to happen, especially when you expect it to happen. In reality, you have no money and you have a business that brings no guarantees. You THINK you will have enough in a few months, but it always takes more time than we expect and we get less money than we hoped for. You depend on your wife and you're cheating on your wife. Count on the possibility that she will discover your affair. Count on the possibility that you will still be poor six months from now. What will you do? Do you have a backup plan? Your wife will throw you out the window with the suitcase that you brought into her house. Where will you go? Will the OW take you in her house? Will support you? Do you have enough money to start with? Can you afford a lawyer? Can you get a job and rent a place until the divorce settlement takes place? Wake up, dude. You're in no envious position. Start thinking about all options. Don't be surprised when things start unfolding in the way you didn't expect or like. What you're doing right now is staying with your wife for financial reasons, which will not be looked upon in a good light by your wife or by the judge. If your wife discovers that you've betrayed her, she will take the case to the judge and fight like a tiger, trust me. Since you don't want to stop seeing the OW until you get divorced, I'd say either come clean before your wife and make some agreement with her as to your future or file for a divorce now, ask for joint custody, and get a settlement that will enable you to live until your business starts working well or you get a job. Your plan is too risky in more than one way. You may get it all or lose everything, including your children.
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 In your mind, you will be independent in a few months, living with your kids and the OW. I really hope IF this the case, the OW isn't around your kids as it's NOT fair to them to have to have a step parent so quickly..
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 within the past two weeks things have developed rapidly. It's only been two weeks. Neither of you has encountered the faults of the other one yet. If your wife throws you out and you move into the OW's place, the sexy, sweet lover that you are now will turn into a loser with two kids, in her eyes. Your iwfe might have tolerated or liked the fact that you were a stay-at-home dad of HER own children, but the OW will have little interest in supporting you financially. The magic will wear off in less time than it developed.
Ronni_W Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 So, I think the path is being opened to me. It's as if all this unfolded without me creating it, the path is just opening, and I am amazed. Yes, indeed -- the Universe can be marvelously supportive when we allow it, and are open to seeing it. The thing about the new woman -- people are going to think and say whatever they want, regardless of the facts or your own truth about it... Which is all the more reason to just stay true to your own Self; your own values, principles and "gut sense" of what is best at any given moment, about whatever specific 'issue'. At the end of it all, you are going to judge yourself -- you are the only one empowered to do that, in any case. So may as well act in ways, now, that will allow you enjoy your dignity and self-respect, later. Others may want to, but won't ever be able to, take that away from you.
SierraRose Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 You are in the "homestretch"...lol Stay focused on your goals; if she truly cares she will be there for you in the end. The next few months won't be easy because you have feelings for someone else. Stay focused and stay strong!
Author Confused father Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 It's only been two weeks. Neither of you has encountered the faults of the other one yet. If your wife throws you out and you move into the OW's place, the sexy, sweet lover that you are now will turn into a loser with two kids, in her eyes. Your iwfe might have tolerated or liked the fact that you were a stay-at-home dad of HER own children, but the OW will have little interest in supporting you financially. The magic will wear off in less time than it developed. Thanks for this and the above posts, but you are a little off. The OW and I have known each other for 3 years. we have coached 2 soccer teams together, and work closely together. We know each other rather well, and have for some time, it's just that recent events and revealed secrets have changed the dynamic. Please see my new thread on the matter. Your reality check led me to make a decision that is best for all parties, and we are going to stick to it, no matter what. If it all did come crashing down today, though, I am not as broke as you seem to think I am. I want to insure an income stream, but I have been saving, and I have wiggle room, at least 6 months worth now. Man, we men must really suck. So many of you women are so jaded now.... and I'm sure many of you think I'm just another *********... but I would simply challenge you to an evening in my shoes.
Author Confused father Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 You are in the "homestretch"...lol Stay focused on your goals; if she truly cares she will be there for you in the end. The next few months won't be easy because you have feelings for someone else. Stay focused and stay strong! I concur. We are going to do the right things for the right reasons, together.
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Here's my thought. Why live a lie, even for a short while? If you, and your OW, want to be people "of character"...then go tell your wife the whole truth of the situation, and discuss amicable divorce with her. She clearly senses your distance...which only increases as you draw closer to OW. Why not "man up"...tell her the truth, and start the process? You suspect she's cheating...I think she likely is suspecting the same of you (remember, she's been there, knows the signs)...so why not "clear the air" as a prelude to ending your marriage?
Author Confused father Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 Here's my thought. Why live a lie, even for a short while? If you, and your OW, want to be people "of character"...then go tell your wife the whole truth of the situation, and discuss amicable divorce with her. She clearly senses your distance...which only increases as you draw closer to OW. Why not "man up"...tell her the truth, and start the process? You suspect she's cheating...I think she likely is suspecting the same of you (remember, she's been there, knows the signs)...so why not "clear the air" as a prelude to ending your marriage? As I stated in another thread started this AM, we are no longer going to have any physical or emotional contact. Strictly business and friendship until such a time as I am no longer married. Why not tell my wife and "clear the air", because i don't want to make it nastier. I don't want the OW involved in the divorce process at all.
Recommended Posts