She said "not ready"...

[Jake12429]

Not sure if anyone's read my last post, but it really doesn't matter...point is, i was seeing a girl for a while, essentially ASSUMED we were dating cause of all the things we have been doing together, how much fun we're having, things she has said about how she likes me and how I make her feel, etc. I'm usually a pretty secure guy who doesn't wear my heart on my sleeve, but I guess I couldn't take it anymore with her, cause I am very into her (I do a good job of only showing her so much so as not to smother her, but I know how much I like her). I finally brought it up to her this weekend that I would like to officially date, and she said she's not ready. I can't tell you exactly why I decided to finally make the plunge instead of just letting things go as they were, but I guess I finally needed some sort of clarity with this situation, cause we've never had a talk like this. She is coming off a long relationship (though it ended like 7-8 months ago, so I'm not a rebound), I'm coming off being single for years and one night stands/short, relatively emotionless dating cycles, and I guess the stuff we were doing was more novel to me, and meant more to me than it did to her...in fact, to her, all the dates we went on and stuff we did together was probably a step DOWN from her past few years, whereas to me it was a huge step up.

 

Anyway, because I essentially assumed we were already dating, I brought it up to her, and she said she's not ready, and that she just wants to be single right now. We hang out a ton, she says I'm the only guy she has hooked up with since her ex (she offered this information, I never ask about it), and although I'm hooking up with other girls, I am totally willing to forego that to be exclusively with her. Anyway, she said she's not ready.

 

My question with all this rambling is, what do I do now? I like her, but I'm not in love...so I can continue what we're doing and be fine. That said, I'd like to not spend another 3, 4, 5 months on someone who may never be ready to date me. Because the talk may have made things awkward, and I admittedly kinda badgered her with texts letting her know that everything is still cool cause i hate when things are unresolved, i just watned advice on how to go from here. Whether guys or girls have had a similar situation, both your advice is very very welcome. I can absolutely continue things the way they are, just kinda be a little more guarded, and start allowing myself to become emotionally involved with ANOTHER girl...but how do I play it with her? Do I not really contact her as much? Or will that make her think that I don't want to keep seeing her, or that I'm too "upset" to keep seeing her? Help!!!

[D-Jam]

I've been in this scenario many times. Women who keep claiming they're not ready, but showering me with attention. Women who will go out with me, make out with me, and even sleep with me, but yet they won't even call it "dating".

 

"We are NOT dating...we're just seeing each other."

 

What happened all those times? That woman was making me her "for now" guy. She may have thought I was good looking and/or good to her, but I was not what she deemed as "relationship material", mostly because she felt she could do better. I'm not trying to make excuses here either...because one by one these women either ran back to their exes or they dropped me to chase some jerk who ended up mistreating her.

 

ANYWAY...the point is that if I ran into another woman who is acting like those past women and your woman now...I'd then keep seeing her, enjoying all that I can out of her, BUT...I'd also be out meeting new women.

 

If she wants to get mad at that...then you tell her loyalty comes with a price. If she wants you to be exclusive, then she's got to put the past behind her and take a chance. Call it "dating" and call you "boyfriend".

 

As far as I'm concerned, she's got baggage and is possibly waiting for a BBD to come along. Suddenly she'll say how she just wants to be friends and this other guy will instantly get a relationship and boyfriend status. You do NOT owe her any loyalty until she gives you some in return.

 

Personally, if she was showing me baggage, I'd be more or less backing off and looking for more options. I know that sounds cold, but I've dealt with so much baggage out of females in my life that it's a major turnoff. I won't tolerate it anymore. I'm here to date, have fun, fall in love...not be a therapist.

[shockandawed]

Jake,

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you, please don't take offense. It's you. She likes you, she has fun with you, she is even attracted to you, BUT, there is something missing there that she needs to feel to go into a full blown relationship. Sadly, in my experience, it never develops if it is like this after an acceptable start up time, which sounds like you have had. The feelings for her are fading a tad, or never really developed and you will be friend zoned at some point. Probably when someone else comes along. I have been on both sides of this situation, unfortunately, many more times on your side.

 

Thinking back, every instance where I dated a girl and eventually got the "I am not ready for a relationship" line, they ended up in one within a short period of time. Last May, I dated a girl for about 2 months, got the "you're great, I like you, but I am not ready to be in a serious relationship" line. I stumbled across her facebook profile last week and she has already married someone.

 

I have been with my current gf for about 4 months. When we met, she was upfront and told me she was not looking to get serious. In fact, she had been seeing a guy for a couple of months. She liked him, etc but she repeatedly told him she was not going to get serious with anyone. He of course was in love with her, telling her that, etc..she never told him that back. Of course he persisted with the badgering and their dates got more and more tense. She kept telling him she couldn't give him what he wanted. After our first date, she never went out with him again. After a short period declared she wanted to be exclusive with me and the "I love you" soon follwed. That poor guy to this day still sends her texts and occassional emails referring that if she would ever let her heart open up to someone, he was positive they could have something. He has never realized that her heart did open up, just didn't for him.

 

Jake, the problem I see with continuing to date her is that you are no longer on the same level with each other. You want a relationship and she doesn't. You will be miserable and read into everything she does, she will be uptight and drifting farther away. Eventually, some guy who doesn't make her uptight and nervous will come along and swoop her away.

 

The right and hardest thing to do is to walk. Tell her that you enjoyed what you have, but you don't feel she is being fair to you. You wish her well and walk. Realizing you're gone may trigger a value in her and she will realize you guys had something going. But, she may not as well. If she doesn't, you will at least be on the road to getting over her and finding the person that can give you back what you give. Trust me, that is when it gets good.

[zuzzy]

Jake,

 

I am going to be brutally honest with you, please don't take offense. It's you. She likes you, she has fun with you, she is even attracted to you, BUT, there is something missing there that she needs to feel to go into a full blown relationship. Sadly, in my experience, it never develops if it is like this after an acceptable start up time, which sounds like you have had. The feelings for her are fading a tad, or never really developed and you will be friend zoned at some point. Probably when someone else comes along. I have been on both sides of this situation, unfortunately, many more times on your side.

 

Thinking back, every instance where I dated a girl and eventually got the "I am not ready for a relationship" line, they ended up in one within a short period of time. Last May, I dated a girl for about 2 months, got the "you're great, I like you, but I am not ready to be in a serious relationship" line. I stumbled across her facebook profile last week and she has already married someone.

 

I have been with my current gf for about 4 months. When we met, she was upfront and told me she was not looking to get serious. In fact, she had been seeing a guy for a couple of months. She liked him, etc but she repeatedly told him she was not going to get serious with anyone. He of course was in love with her, telling her that, etc..she never told him that back. Of course he persisted with the badgering and their dates got more and more tense. She kept telling him she couldn't give him what he wanted. After our first date, she never went out with him again. After a short period declared she wanted to be exclusive with me and the "I love you" soon follwed. That poor guy to this day still sends her texts and occassional emails referring that if she would ever let her heart open up to someone, he was positive they could have something. He has never realized that her heart did open up, just didn't for him.

 

Jake, the problem I see with continuing to date her is that you are no longer on the same level with each other. You want a relationship and she doesn't. You will be miserable and read into everything she does, she will be uptight and drifting farther away. Eventually, some guy who doesn't make her uptight and nervous will come along and swoop her away.

 

The right and hardest thing to do is to walk. Tell her that you enjoyed what you have, but you don't feel she is being fair to you. You wish her well and walk. Realizing you're gone may trigger a value in her and she will realize you guys had something going. But, she may not as well. If she doesn't, you will at least be on the road to getting over her and finding the person that can give you back what you give. Trust me, that is when it gets good.

 

I agree. You gotta move on. If you can truly be okay with all that she wants out of the relationship then okay, but it sounds like it will be a challenge. For that I say walk.

[lonelybuthappy]

Don't listen those with friend zone stuff. She was honest with you, she doesn't want rebound relationship. But she likes you, and she wants to be sure in her feelings. What is wrong with that. I would rather wait 4-5 months and have fun with her, and if both of you fall in love that would be magic.

Personally, I don't like girls who want to go in bed with me after few dates. I was in such relationships lately, and I was impressed at the first date, but I totally cooled off after few dates. Now I am in same position as you, and I'm enjoying. She needs time and I don't care. I'm almost 39, I have my goals, my job, my hobbies, my friends and also, after 1 year and half of totally NC with my ex, I get my new opportunity for love. And love needs time to develop. Listen to your heart and don't rush.

Good luck

[berrieh]

It depends on the girl.

 

Personally, I have never needed time if it was a guy I really wanted to be with. That's just not how I'm wired. If I'm gonna want a relationship with you, I might not KNOW right away, but if the guy asked -- and I felt that "Yeah, this is a good one" light up -- I'd say yes. Hell, I have said yes. I rebounded hard after an almost three year relationship because a guy was too good to lose... in the end, we weren't right for each other, but even though I really *wasn't* ready, I didn't want to lose him or hurt him. So, I leapt.

 

However, some girls might think, "I really like this guy, but if I get into it now, we'll **** it up." That's not really a girl thing to think (guys do that more than girls and even they don't do it all that often), but some girls do think that way.

 

The best way to assess where you fall is to let her think she could lose you without being an ******* about it -- to back off, date others, and see if she comes forward at all. That gives her the time and space to process your request (which may be what she needs) or to show you she's just not that into you, if that's the case. I wouldn't cut things off if you're into it, but I would cut your efforts back dramatically -- by about 50% -- so that she notices the difference.