zuzzy Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My girlfriend (of whom I recently fell in love with) tells me that if she saw her ex-boyfriend out with another woman that it would upset her. They had a rocky 6 to 7 year relationship, but have been seriously over for more than 2.5 years and stopped sleeping together (on a very occasional basis) about a year ago. I think the fact that she'd get upset bothers me. I let her know that, but that's how she feels so I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Advice? Am I just being insecure? We have a very open, honest, trusting relationship with wonderful mutual feelings towards each other. The ex still is around with a random drunk text of I miss you, etc. but she tells me about them. Until this I never really let the ex get to me.
Geishawhelk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 It's very difficult to mechanically switch off all feelings for an ex- after such a long relationship, especially since they continued sleeping together after their supposed break. I would therefore say she had a 7 - 8 year relationship with him, breaking off about 1 year ago. That's a long time for people to be involved, so she may well still have emotional connections. Be patient. If she still brings it up in a year or so, then I think you'd have cause to really put your foot down. Try to give her a bit of time, but if she seems to remain clingy, after all your "loving efforts".... it would be questionable, huh?
Author zuzzy Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I thought it was interesting that you characterized it as a 7-8 year relationship. She might partially dispute that, but since she acknowledges it got in the way of other men she dated, and she regrets the long breakup, you are obviously onto something. Nonetheless, so I shouldn't be bothered by her being slightly upset (not up all night upset) if she saw her ex with someone else? He doesn't know about me which is partially due to the drama that might ensue, also I guess that if she'd be upset he was with someone else, he would feel the same about her being with someone else. As an aside, one of the reasons I think that this is bothering me is that once I decided I didn't want to be with my ex anymore (after a 6 month breakup period) I could careless what she did, so for me, it was a switch. But I recognize everyone handles things definitely and I'm far from freaking out.
Geishawhelk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Just as a matter of interest, how long were you with your ex- (before the 6 month break-up period)? And what is that, anyway? Did you take 6 months to decide you weren't going to be together any more? That's not intended to sound like a challenge, I really am just asking for clarification. I ask because maybe your break-up was gradual, and you and your ex-had time to emotionally detach... maybe at her break-up it was more sudden and traumatic. But as we agree, everyone is different...... "Getting upset" at seeing your ex ('your' generic, not 'your' specific) is a sign that you haven't emotionally managed to completely let go. I would only get concerned if it lingers at this same level, or eben increases over time. If she manages to slowly get over it over time, then it wouldn't be so bad. And yes, listening to what you're saying about his possible feelings, on seeing her with you. There's still a link there, huh? I wouldn't feel uncomfortable apporaching her about this.... it may be something you might like to just clear the air about. I think you have a right to know where you stand, you know.....
D-Jam Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 It has nothing to do with you. What's going on is she had a rocky or even bad RL with some guy for 6-7 years...and I assume he treated her badly. Now here he is, out with some new girl, whom maybe he's loving, respecting, and treating like a queen...and she's now insecure and wondering "why was I not good enough to get that treatment?" She doesn't want him back, but she wants to know why that girl gets the royal treatment and "good man" out of him while she didn't. In the end though, this is one of those scenarios where I say "life isn't meant to be fair". It's like when a guy complains why one guy can walk into a room, pat a girl on the butt and flirt with her, and yet if he politely says she looks nice today she sees him as creepy. That's life. I don't condone a man treating a woman badly and then treating another one well, but men do that. Women do that too. Only thing I would say is if she spent 6-7 years with a guy who maybe treated her badly, then while it does say she's loyal to her men...it also says she's insecure and has no spine. She can complain why the other girl gets better treatment, but I would more ask her "why did you stay with him for so long if he was terrible to you?" She brought her own pain on herself...and rather than wonder why life can't be fair, she should kick herself for staying so long in a bad situation.
Ronni_W Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 He doesn't know about me which is partially due to the drama that might ensue, That would actually concern me more than anything else -- if MY current b/f felt some need to "keep me in the closet" from his ex, I would also feel that there is (much?) more going on than meets the eye. I don't know if I'd feel "insecure" about it, though. More like just, "Hey, what is really going on cos I am getting some bad vibes about what your lingering attachment to him might mean for us." I wouldn't just be buying the excuse that the ex might go all 'drama king'...he might not, is the other possibility. What are her reasons for expecting it, and why is she fearful of some other person's drama (temper tantrums)? IMO, her fear about letting her ex know that she's now with someone else does point to something...but, who knows what, exactly? Could just be unfounded fears, or could be that she hasn't totally recovered from that break-up, or could be that she secretly is hoping for a reconciliation, or could be that she just is not comfortable dealing with drama in general. Whatever it is, her new relationship does deserve that she face it, and deal with it in an honest and adult way.
Author zuzzy Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 I wouldn't just be buying the excuse that the ex might go all 'drama king'...he might not, is the other possibility. I've considered this, but I truly believe she would just prefer to avoid drama (that's her personality) as well as the fact that on a few occasions the ex has threatened suicide. So clearly he is quite unstable. I hadn't considered the "why wasn't I good enough to get that treatment" side of the coin. I don't know if that's it, but it could be. I tend to agree with Geishawelk there is a lingering emotional attachment that will subside over time. I'm certain she's "over him" and there's no issues (like her harboring feelings) that worry me. Yet there's just something that I don't quite understand on why it would bother her.
Author zuzzy Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Just as a matter of interest, how long were you with your ex- (before the 6 month break-up period)? And what is that, anyway? Did you take 6 months to decide you weren't going to be together any more? That's not intended to sound like a challenge, I really am just asking for clarification. I ask because maybe your break-up was gradual, and you and your ex-had time to emotionally detach... maybe at her break-up it was more sudden and traumatic. Not to get off topic, but I was with her for 3 years and then had a 6 month period where we were on a break, not on a break, etc. Just the irrationality of relationships I guess. But after that 6 months it was mutual that it was completely over, and for me, it was a switch; I could care less at that point if she started dating other guys or not. I didn't want to be with her so it didn't matter. Her breakup was not sudden or traumatic; it was quite similar, just over a longer time period, and still as of yet not quite comfortable seeing him with someone else.
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