Marcus Aurelius Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My wife and I haven't been married long. We just hit our one year mark this month. She's a little younger than me and we were raised in two very different environments, so there's a bit of a generational gap. I got this new job and even switched shifts so we could spend more time together. Now that we have more time together it seems like all we do is argue. I keep telling myself I'm just being silly. I've changed shifts, abandoned: friendships, family, activities, and hobbies so I can "focus more attention on her" like she told me I should do. I love her very much. I'm bending over backwards and nothing I do seems to please her, even though that's virtually all I try to do. Whatever it takes to make and keep her happy. I even gave in to buying a house for us because she wanted one very badly. Is it really all just in my head? I'd greatly appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you very much for your time and efforts.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I've changed shifts, abandoned: friendships, family, activities, and hobbies so I can "focus more attention on her" like she told me I should do. How long did you date? What kinds of things did you do thogether during your engagement? Did you live together before you got married? You two might be a tough pairing. You seem to still have a little bit of an independent single person's mentality and you make her sound clingy and needy. If would be helpful to know how things were before you said "I do"... Mr. Lucky
JamesM Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My wife and I haven't been married long. We just hit our one year mark this month. The first two years can be the most turbulent. Ours were. We still laugh how we would both take long walks after we fought. The problem is...the town we lived in was small, so it didn't take long before we ran into each other. Fight over. I suggest some honest and open communication. If this cannot be done with just the two of you, then a third party is necessary. This can be a pastor or counselor. Letting this go too long can be the end of your marriage. It is entirely possible that it is temporary and will solve itself, but you are at a critical juncture. Many people do not make it past two years because they do not resolve the type of issues that the two of you have.
Walk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 This might be off base, but I know I've asked my H to change a great deal of things for me and I was still unhappy with the situation.. so here's my thoughts on it. Possibly what she asked for was miscommunicated to you. When she stated she wanted you to have more time for her, what she may have really wanted was the opportunity to have more quality time together. If that isn't happening, then she may still feel unfulfilled by your changes and won't show the appreciation you had expected. So now that you two have loads of time together, how do you spend it (other then fighting)? Do you two have any hobbies together? Any shared interests that both of you can participate in? Also.. I wouldn't want my H to give up the things he enjoys just to make me happy. For one, I'd lose respect for him. I can't respect someone who doesn't draw a line when I ask for too much. If he's ambivalent about something I want and goes along with it, then that's different... but if he honestly does not want to give up something (i.e. friends, family) and I make him feel like he has to, then I hope to hell he'll tell me to go fly a kite at that point. Comprimise means you have to negotiate so both parties are happy. You want that win-win type of situation. If you need family and friends in order to keep your sanity and stay mentally healthy, yet your wife wants more of your time, then negotiate a plan so that both of you will be happy with the outcome. i.e. you'll trade her "1 visit with family/friend" if she gives you 45 minutes of mind blowing sex. Or you'll forgo one evening of your hobby if she'll give you one evening of something you really enjoy. Don't drop everything and run to do as she wants. Small doses go a long way, and are appreciated more then continuously giving it. Point of all this.. don't give up the things that keep you mentally sane without your wife putting in work to keep the relationship healthy and happy for you too. Otherwise, your taking the fastest approach to killing a marriage that you can (i learned that the hard way).
Author Marcus Aurelius Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 She and I dated for approximately 10 mos before we got married and lived together for 2mos. When we were engaged we would go for long walks together by the river where we live, especially near sunset. We'd go to playgrounds and play together on the various apparatuses there. I'm 25 y.o. and she's 19 y.o.. We've talked, unfortunately very briefly, about the fact that we need to better communicate with each other because without communication, failure is inevitable. For some reason, unbeknownst to me despite repeated attempts to decipher, instead of opening up she tends to completely clam up and cry... I got her to the point where she will at least nod her head yes or no to things but she won't let me in when we try to resolve things. I used to have issues communicating as well, and to deal with those issues I used to go to a therapist who was a great help to me. She found out that one of her relatives, around the same age, has to see a "shrink" and remarked that everyone must think her relative is crazy.
Author Marcus Aurelius Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 I apologize that my replies may seem short... for some reason my browser is limiting the amount of text that I can input. For a very brief period of time, a few months back, she began to guilt me into things. When I confronted her about it she apologized profusely and informed me that she didn't consciously realize that she was attempting to guilt trip me. I'm her first boyfriend and she had a bit of a difficult upbringing. She's the youngest of her siblings and instead of being babied, like some are from what I'm to understand, she was neglected. Around the second time I went to dinner at her families house, we had all gathered in her parent's family room to watch TV with her mom, dad and sister. I was mortified and appalled at their repeated attempts to belittle her and make her feel inferior... and when I confronted them about it they laughed at me like I was joking and they acted like draining her of any shred of self-esteem was a commonplace for them. It was absolutely sickening to me to witness that
reservoirdog1 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I'm not sure if this is good by-the-book advice or not, but it might be worth a try. Maybe she needs to be reassured. Maybe you need to say, "I've seen how your family treats you. They belittle you, they do X, they do Y, they neglect you. I want you to know that I won't do that to you. You can count on me. Even when I'm not with you, you're in my thoughts constantly. I love you and I want to make you as happy as I can." Tell her that more than once if you have to.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I'm 25 y.o. and she's 19 y.o.. We've talked, unfortunately very briefly, about the fact that we need to better communicate with each other because without communication, failure is inevitable. For some reason, unbeknownst to me despite repeated attempts to decipher, instead of opening up she tends to completely clam up and cry... At the risk of being obvious - after all, she is only 19 - she sounds immature. Certainly understandable, given her age and background. I think you'll just have to be patient with her, focusing on making her feel loved and valued in your relationship. If you model good communication and conflict resolution skills (talking rather than yelling, patience rather than short-tempered, quick to forgive, etc.) than she may come to do the same. Just going to take time... Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 She's now of the age where she should be able to stand on her own. In pandering to her every need, you become her dependency source and from the sounds of it, one she's never had before. She has to grow up sooner or later. She also has to realize that you're another person, someone to love, who has needs and wants of his own. I would slowly start to wean her off by holding to some soft boundaries at first but also letting her know that you love her. As she learns to stand on her feet and gain confidence, assert those boundaries a little more firmly than before. It will be like raising a child but in time elapsed form. In essence, you are raising a child. You can either create an adult that self-sufficient or you can continue pandering to a child. Your choice.
Holding-On Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 She's now of the age where she should be able to stand on her own. In pandering to her every need, you become her dependency source and from the sounds of it, one she's never had before. She has to grow up sooner or later. She also has to realize that you're another person, someone to love, who has needs and wants of his own. I would slowly start to wean her off by holding to some soft boundaries at first but also letting her know that you love her. As she learns to stand on her feet and gain confidence, assert those boundaries a little more firmly than before. It will be like raising a child but in time elapsed form. In essence, you are raising a child. You can either create an adult that self-sufficient or you can continue pandering to a child. Your choice. My situation was not quite that of your wife's but it took me many years to grow up and find another way, emotionally speaking. If she is used to meanness, she may have a hard time internally accepting your kindness and also a hard time accepting it as something other than weakness. If she has that many issues she may see your love of her as dependancy and freak out, trying to push you away. Also this total change may be too much for her to accept at first (someone loves me and won't insult me) and she may, unconsciously, try to reestablish the status quo she is used to. Honestly I would strongly suggest you get her into IC and work on self-love because you are going to need the strength here and the only person who is in a place to give to you in this relationship.. is you. I'd recommend you read this situation... there are some nuggets of truth in the dangers of over compensating for your spouse and losing yourself. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171156/
carhill Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 IME, disparate socializations can evoke fundamental differences in perspective on everything from daily life to intimacy. Literally, it's seeing the world and each other in completely different psychological terms. It can be very difficult to resolve, even with professional help. IMO, this is especially true where there is abuse/neglect involved, as it appears in the OP's recounting of his W's history. I don't envy you OP. I know you love her but sometimes love isn't enough. I'd suggest getting some professional help if you can afford it. Good luck
MarriageZone Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Yes, it's true she is young, she has some childhood difficulty. However, it also seems to me that she doesn't have a life. Everything evolves around him. Does she work or go to school? Does she have a social life? Does she have anything to keep her occupied such as her own hobby? She need find her place as an adult. Try to recommend to her any of the above. It is difficult when people marry young because they haven't had a chance to find who they are apart from the family they have been around all their lives. I believe first love are especially difficult because there isn't any experience behind the so called "love". Then to add marriage on top...wow! As stated before patience and communication will be the key as well as the two of you being able to grow independently together. That means having respect for each other and for your marriage. There will be stages that you are doing all the giving and then there will be a time when she will be doing all the giving. But hold on there will come a time it will be more even. Just make sure you don't let anger or animosity build to taint your view or feelings for you wife. Above all, continue to perservere and continue to reach out to other established couples because they can always impart wisdom. Moreover, Nothing stays the same and as I like to say "this too shall pass."
wildflowerchild98 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I'm not sure if this is good by-the-book advice or not, but it might be worth a try. Maybe she needs to be reassured. Maybe you need to say, "I've seen how your family treats you. They belittle you, they do X, they do Y, they neglect you. I want you to know that I won't do that to you. You can count on me. Even when I'm not with you, you're in my thoughts constantly. I love you and I want to make you as happy as I can." Tell her that more than once if you have to. I agree with this totally!!! She is 19 a very immpressionable age! She is still growing as a person the key to your marriage working is you must grow in love everyday and to do that you both need to work at it! It sounds like you give 99.9% percent and she is giving the 1 % forgive me I am not trying to be rude to her by any means she seems to have a rough upbringing and she prolly feels less than adequate which is why building her up not tearing her down is so important!!! She can't give if she doesn't receive the fuel to give back It sounds like you are trying to hard to please her when maybe all she needs is Love and understanding more than anything else I hope you two find the happiness you deserve!!
Author Marcus Aurelius Posted June 24, 2010 Author Posted June 24, 2010 I thank you all very much for your feedback. I haven't been on the site in awhile... I had the page bookmarked in our old computer and my wife has a habit of looking through all of my bookmarks as though I may be hiding something. When she ran across the bookmarks to this site... and particularly this thread. She read what I had posted and went ballistic... and sadly things have only continued to spiral downhill from there to the point where I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't know what more I can do... She's happy and it's probably because she spends so much time with other people that she and I rarely get to see each other unless it's in passing... very draining.
Windsurf66 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 I thank you all very much for your feedback. I haven't been on the site in awhile... I had the page bookmarked in our old computer and my wife has a habit of looking through all of my bookmarks as though I may be hiding something. When she ran across the bookmarks to this site... and particularly this thread. She read what I had posted and went ballistic... and sadly things have only continued to spiral downhill from there to the point where I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't know what more I can do... She's happy and it's probably because she spends so much time with other people that she and I rarely get to see each other unless it's in passing... very draining. Wow, 19 is really too young. And with what had happened, i am sorry but i don't think its gona last. If she is happy spending them with other people and not you, the outcome will be an affair and/or divorce. Better be prepared, mentally, financially and emotionally. I am sorry
Mimolicious Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) she's a little younger than me and we were raised in two very different environments, so there's a bit of a generational gap. But you already knew this, right? I've changed shifts, abandoned: friendships, family, activities, and hobbies so I can "focus more attention on her" like she told me I should do. Mistake numero uno, dos, tres, etc... Why would you forge your indentity because your W told you so? Did this chick really tell you to do this? RED FLAG! She's got you under her control and this is recipe for disaster! I love her very much. I'm bending over backwards and nothing I do seems to please her, even though that's virtually all I try to do. And nothing will please her, no offense but she is 19 and probably doesn't even know wtf she wants in life. Let's save the "everyone is different" blah, blah, blah... Each and every person here over the age of 30, are you the same person and want the same things that you wanted at 19? Don't think so! You're her puppet and she raises the bar each and every time to see how far she can get away with it. It's a control issue and she seems to have it all under wraps! Seek help or you guys will be strangers by the time you are 30. Whatever it takes to make and keep her happy. I even gave in to buying a house for us because she wanted one very badly. Is it really all just in my head? I'd greatly appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you very much for your time and efforts. Sweetpea-you need to grow some cojones and express your frustration to your W. A M is not a one-way street and if you feel like your efforts are not being reciprocated, then there is not much of a M there. You have a blood sucking biotch playing housewife because her demands are met. FML! I didn't realize (after typing all of the above ) that you havent been here in almost 2yrs... Well I guess nothing has changed uh? Why are you still married to this chick? Edited June 24, 2010 by Mimolicious
kakui215 Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 My wife is now almost twice the age of your wife, but thanks to a few things that go hand in hand -- namely close-mindedness, stubbornness, and lack of curiosity -- she hasn't really matured emotionally since she was in her twenties. It sounds like it was very recently that your wife came across the post from you from 19 months ago. Is that right? If so, she might need a few more days for it to sink in. Hopefully, once she has a chance to calm down, she'll go back and read this and realize that what she needs to do is approach this situation with complete openness and willingness to learn and grow. If, instead, she merely shuts down further, then I'm not sure what else you can do beyond letting her know that that sort of reaction is the equal to her leaving the marriage. Then, you have to respond to that by... leaving.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 From your original post, I think your wife is a "spoiled brat." Adults don't expect to get their way all the time. I cannot believe the extent to which you have gone to appease her. I think that approach will only make it worse and I doubt she respects you or appreciates your effort. Stop enabling her behavior. Actually, I'm surprised you're still together. Please do not buy anything else or have children with this woman.
Author Marcus Aurelius Posted June 25, 2010 Author Posted June 25, 2010 Part of the reason that I changed shifts was that in taking the new job that had been offered to me, it made us able to buy a house and gives us, and any offspring that we may have, the oppertunity to have a college education almost literally free and clear. She discovered the post very shortly after I had created the first few postings. There have been alot of ups and downs since then, believe me. All of the things that I do and have done aren't entirely directed towards appeasing her. I will admit that I do alot more than I should in a feeble attempt to make her happy. The more I try the less it seems to work. A little while back, during a major rough patch, I found text messages from her to another male... I became rather enraged upon inadvertantly finding that. I wasn't snooping believe it or not, but at any rate, I firmly put my foot down and proceeded to explain in painstaking detail about just exactly how much it behooves her not to step outside the marriage. She finally got the "hint". I love my wife very much... She has been adamant about wanting children, even though I have told her that I do not feel that we are emotionally or fiscally in a position to where children would be a good idea... She actually tried to entice me into having children because we would get more money back on our taxes. I was pretty appalled by that. I told her that any paltry sum of money that we would obtain on our taxes would pale in comparison for the innumerating costs of raising a child (from birth to teen). I really don't know what to do anymore.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 I read all you are going through and sympathize with you. I have felt similar feelings at times with my wife. What I wish to remind you of is that there are two sides to every story... Find out what is in her heart. In her mind and soul. I'd bet she wants to be in a happy, loving and satisfying marriage too. The person her family of origin has put together is definitely damaged and deserves your caring, love, patience, and respect. At the same time, do not allow her to take advantage of you, and make it clear to her that you will not allow her to walk all over you. I would recommend therapy. Individual for her and marital for the two of you also. Good Luck!
sally4sara Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 It sounds to me like a case of marrying someone too young to know what a marriage entails. Catering to her will not help her grow up. I'm watching this same scenario play out with a couple I'm friends with. He has made many concessions for her age and newness to his city. Always jumping to bring her mood back to even rather than her usual pout has gotten him nowhere. But he won't encourage her to branch out; he is now worried that because she missed out on being a single person as a young adult, she will grow out of whatever made her get with him in the first place. He fears that her lack of experience at the time was the only reason she thought he was a good pick......I think he is correct.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 he is now worried that because she missed out on being a single person as a young adult, she will grow out of whatever made her get with him in the first place. He fears that her lack of experience at the time was the only reason she thought he was a good pick......I think he is correct. Happens all the time... But if I was in his shoes I would definitely make the most of the marriage while it's still possible. They may grow closer and more well suited for each other as time goes on. Otherwise this thinking simply becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Author Marcus Aurelius Posted July 11, 2010 Author Posted July 11, 2010 It is not going to be a problem anymore as of 1:30pm(ish) CST because we are no longer going to be together. She began to hang out with a group of newfound friends and somehow or another decided that running away from any issues that we have (when I would attempt to communicate with her to resolve them) was a good choice of action. She had been staying with a girl friend of hers. I finally got her to come back home to communicate with me face to face to try to work out some of our issues that she has consistantly ran out on. She said that she "will always love me" but that she "isn't in love with me" and doesn't know whether or not she still wants me to be her husband. Upon being notified of that I asked whether or not there was any chance that we could work things out and she said no. So I'm packing my stuff and preparing to GTFO. Thanks for all your insights and help. I figured I would notify all those who have posted in an attempt to help me resolve the situation. There's closure. Have a nice life.
Darth Vader Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 It is not going to be a problem anymore as of 1:30pm(ish) CST because we are no longer going to be together. She began to hang out with a group of newfound friends and somehow or another decided that running away from any issues that we have (when I would attempt to communicate with her to resolve them) was a good choice of action. She had been staying with a girl friend of hers. I finally got her to come back home to communicate with me face to face to try to work out some of our issues that she has consistantly ran out on. She said that she "will always love me" but that she "isn't in love with me" and doesn't know whether or not she still wants me to be her husband. Upon being notified of that I asked whether or not there was any chance that we could work things out and she said no. So I'm packing my stuff and preparing to GTFO. Thanks for all your insights and help. I figured I would notify all those who have posted in an attempt to help me resolve the situation. There's closure. Have a nice life. Why should you leave when you've done nothing wrong? You've done what you could so far, as far as I know(I haven't read the whole thread yet) HMMMM, me thinks she's been screwing around on you, since she stated that she loves you but she's not in love with you crap! You shouldn't just give her the house and everything in it, what for? Her screwing someone else, if she's been screwing around or she doesn't want to resolve differences in the marriage then SHE leaves, not you!
Darth Vader Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Why should you leave when you've done nothing wrong? You've done what you could so far, as far as I know(I haven't read the whole thread yet) HMMMM, me thinks she's been screwing around on you, since she stated that she loves you but she's not in love with you crap! You shouldn't just give her the house and everything in it, what for? Her screwing someone else, if she's been screwing around or she doesn't want to resolve differences in the marriage then SHE leaves, not you! She screams at you for trying to get help, then she's texting some OM, and she wants children with you........ She's trying to HOOK you, you realize that right? She wants to get preggers by you after possibly screwing some OM so you'll be completely tied to her forever in one way or another, controlling as sin, wants to abuse you and go out with her friends. She's an immature spoiled BRAT! BTW, you know she'll come right back here and read everything typed, right? She's too young to be married, plus she's got some Major Issues that she's gonna need IC for! Notice how I said that she's probably been out screwing someone else Before I reread the whole thread, I think you already have your suspicions as well about her and her actions. Please keep us posted, we're here for you. Vader out!
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