How to tell a past friend, you're not really friends anymore

[blackwidow290]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my story: Ive been friends with a girl for 5 years and during the last two years we grew close. Some background info: we're both 20 and female.

In the last year, a few things happened that have made me question who I was hanging out with and her ethics.. and that she's too manipulative and that she puts herself first a bit too much. I dont mean to sound full of myself but I dont feel that she lives up to my standards and I just dont feel the love or any fascination with who she is anymore...hence I dont want to spend time together. I know that she cares about me and that she might need the close friendship, but I just dont see how I benefit from it.

When we were close, we used to go dancing a lot and partied together, but that wild or should I say lame phase is over for me. We also live 5 mins away from each other so we've pulled many all nighters talking, but the idea of it now is out of the question. I dont have that kind of time to kill or the interest.

I was away for three months traveling, since Ive been back for another 3 here, Ive only seen her twice since and I was bored out of my mind. I also told her I don't enjoy clubbing anymore and she said that "it's our thing".. and I told her I wasnt really having fun all along (to close the topic, not to sound gay hah). Ever since she's called several times, texted several times inviting me out.. and despite my constant refusal, she doesnt get it. I think that she's maybe lonely.

So this is the situation, I deleted her off facebook cos shed put inappropriate comments on my pictures (as girls often do to compliment each other), but I didnt appreciate them and just deleted them. So since then, she friend requested me three times, called and txted in the meanwhile. I felt guilty and added her back cos its just stupid facebook, but now I got a message saying that facebook is being weird and it had deleted her and now shes asking to hang out.

I realize that this is probably my fault to a certain extent cos whenever she's done questionable things in the past (not towards me, but in general), Im not one to comment or openly criticize. Also, I take my time in getting to know people, to form an opinion, and to conclude if I trust them or not. Point is I feel Ive distanced myself sufficiently and that by now I shouldnt have this problem. The last thing Id want is to be mean in any way, since I care about her, but I dont feel I benefit, grow etc etc by spending time together. I'm sure lots of people have had the experience of growing apart from close friends. How should I reply? I really dont know and if I didnt come on here to get advice, I'd just ignore her and not have anything to say. If I havent bothered contacting her in 3 months, constantly saying I'm busy, shouldnt it be obvious? Now that I think about it, should I even reply?

[UnamedSeven]

Well, for being somebodys friend for years, an excuse doesn't really cut it. No matter for how long. Some people see a friendship as "forever" when it can be over any day it wants to be. Especially when things are fine and there are no problems that are triggering you to ignore her (basically, she doesn't know you don't want to talk to her anymore, therefor, she doesn't even consider why your ignoring her). She just sees you as being 'busy' like you say you are and she understands that, but nothing else. Sry if its confusing, but the point is, being direct with her, is probably the only way to go.

[blackwidow290]

I see your perspective and you're right. theres no way to know after many years apart from being direct. Thanks

[UnamedSeven]

Anytime. If you are looking to really end everything between you and her, i would suggest adding that this is 'final' and you thank her for all of the pleasurable memories. Tell her that its not her, but its that you and her are very different, now. It's not unusual to be like this, or to have these feelings. Even if you did stay as her friend, it would be hard to coordinate with her anymore. Sorry for the situation. I can try to help with anything else you may need

[amerikajin]

Is it necessary to end the friendship with her once and for all? You seem to hint that you find trouble with her sense of ethic -- what exactly is it that troubles you?

 

There are definitely some friendships that I have outgrown. I think I have grown out of touch with some of the people who stayed behind and continued living in my hometown, including some really good childhood friends of mine. I don't stay in contact with them as often, and I don't often return their emails and phone calls quickly.

 

Sometimes it's because of reasons similar to the ones you mentioned in your case: they're just not stimulating relationships to me anymore. Their views of the world and outlook on life is nothing like mine. That doesn't mean that I'm 'better' than them, but these kinds of differences make it difficult to really relate to them and get close to them as friends because there's just not much for us to talk about. Having friends who don't interest you is like having a date that doesn't interest you -- you're just waiting for the time to pass.

 

I have an old close childhood friend with whom I have gradually grown distant. In his case, he's actually a fairly intelligent guy, but I just frankly don't like the person he has become. He's okay sometimes, but other times I find him to be a racist and generally snobbish prick. It's hard for me to say that about him because we have been friends throughout our lives. He's not just my friend, but almost like a family friend, as I have been to him over the years. But his family's wealth has insulated him from real life, and he has no concept of how people live in the real world. He thinks everyone who doesn't have a job is a loser and thinks that blacks and minorities clog up the welfare rolls and has just a generally crappy attitude about people. I can make excuses for him and say it's his family's fault -- and to an extent, it is -- but he wasn't always like this. There was a time when he struck me as one of the more open-minded and balanced people I knew, when he was younger and more optimistic. But his mind closed along the way. He doesn't take charge of his life, doesn't take responsibility for his own miserable attitudes. He's just bitter and wants to lash out at people, and I can't deal with people like that. I even have family members like that, and as with my friends, it's put distance between me and them as well. I just can't deal with people who take no responsibility for themselves and try to make other people miserable. That's possibly my greatest pet peeves.

 

Having said all of that, I still leave the door open. I still occasionally talk to my distant friends, because I feel like, to some degree, they at least deserve to have my door open. Maybe they'll change -- it's not likely, but maybe they will. And as for the other category of former friends, the ones who are genuinely decent but just not that interesting, I think they still deserve respect for being good people. I can make time in my life for them. Besides, even intellectuals get boring once in a while. I think it's better to have a mix of people as friends. I like spending some of my time with the Ivy League professor who can discuss Immanuel Kant, but I also like sitting at the bar with the construction worker who can debate whether Mike Singletary should continue to be coach of the 49ers next year.

 

I think you should be flexible. If the friend doesn't interest you anymore, there's no need to have an official "end of the friendship" talk. You're not dating her. Just don't spend as much time with her. If she texts you and wants to go clubbing, just be straight up and tell her it doesn't interest you. If you don't get stimulated by her conversation, just tell her the topic of conversation doesn't really interest you. By doing that you're being completely honest with her about who you are and then you're also putting some of the responsibility back on her. Does she want to hang out with someone who isn't interested in her or her topics of conversation? Does she want to learn from you and maybe become more intellectual herself? Just be straight with her. Life's easier that way.

[vintagecat]

Amerikajin your description of your friend turning sour by life describes some of my family for different reasons, mostly fear....but on to the subject at hand.

 

What you are describing is a very normal ebb and flow of friendship. Everyone evolves, matures or moves along the various paths of life differently and at different rates. It's not necessary to kill the friendship but rather just put it on hold. You may never pick it up again or at the same level but unless she is doing something truly worthy of drawing a line over then just tell her that you have moved on to other interests for now and that those interests are taking your available time. She will eventually get that you really have moved on and will attempt less contact. Maybe life will move you closer, maybe not. Maybe there are ways to expand her interests but that is up to you to decide if you want to spend time with her right now.

 

One thing is for certain: This is a really small world and burning bridges that don't need to be burned is a stupid and counter-productive thing to do. People remember how they've been treated and to be cruelly cut and dismissed without evident and sufficient provocation inspires enmity of the worst sort. I've witnessed enough reversals in fortunes and people surprising me in life to realize that until someone dies they are capable of being my boss, my in-law, a person that is key to my success, comfort or happiness or that of my family in one way or another. Leaving any kind of relationship, it's best to lay it down as gently and as kindly as possible especially in the case of simply growing apart.

 

You of course will do as you like but I think you need to have some empathy. How would you like to be treated if you were "the friend" someone was growing apart from yet you wanted to remains friends with that person? Apply the answer to that question to your relationship with this friend gently and kindly. FWIW.

[Angel1111]

Unfortnately, this person is clueless - which is just another indication that she's a pain to be around. If it were me, I would just keep turning her down. She'll eventually get tired of it and stop asking.

 

I've had two friends like this in my life and I basically just stopped talking to them and they eventually disappeared. Of course, they never got it but I also knew that if I explained it to them, they still wouldn't get it. People like this are difficult to be friends with because you can't relate to them at all and they bring so much frustration into your life that they go beyond being just someone you don't click with. And usually they have very big egos and think they're the most entertaining and fun person in the world to be around. Plus, they usually have a lot of drama in their lives because they create it, but never understand it. If it's possible, just let her fade out of your life. If you can't take her being clueless and pushy, then you'll need to tell her. But if you talk to her, don't be surprised if she thinks that means the relationship is negotiable.

[blackwidow290]

Angel, it almost sounds like you know her, cos the description is extremely accurate. I think that considering all this, in trying to distance myself without burning bridges.. already shows a lot of consideration and a certain degree of empathy. But I feel like Ive been pushed (constantly asking for me to join in activities that Ive said I dont enjoy).

Like Angel said, she thinks everything is negotiable... haha

 

The comment about her ethics I didnt want to discuss in detail initially because Id hate to sound like Im judging or that I think Im 'better'. The last few times I met her she went on and on and on about how sexy the guys she knows are, how she hates but loves the 7 years relationship shes been in, but is dying to sleep with someone else. Ok? Two hours of my life wasted on how shes dying to cheat?

Another ethical 'breach' is when she slipped that she had stolen from her work or lying to me and trying to steal from me when paying the bill (how ugly).

So she is not stupid, she understands the hostility on my part, my trying to distance myself and she still pretends like all is cool. Ive been trying for the past year to see the better side of things in making a judgment on how shes changed...but I cant stand it anymore! And I'm not a radical person! my friendship is precious, Im not keeping my door open just to be polite.

Thank you everyone

[Angel1111]

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like her out there. Of course you know when she cheats on her husband, that will stir up a whole new pot of drama that she'll can talk about for years. Make sure you're far, far away when that happens.

 

Well, either ignoring her or telling her to her face should do the trick. You might want to change your email address and phone number if possible. She'll eventually latch on to a new victim that she'll call friend.

[amerikajin]

Angel, it almost sounds like you know her, cos the description is extremely accurate. I think that considering all this, in trying to distance myself without burning bridges.. already shows a lot of consideration and a certain degree of empathy. But I feel like Ive been pushed (constantly asking for me to join in activities that Ive said I dont enjoy).

Like Angel said, she thinks everything is negotiable... haha

 

The comment about her ethics I didnt want to discuss in detail initially because Id hate to sound like Im judging or that I think Im 'better'. The last few times I met her she went on and on and on about how sexy the guys she knows are, how she hates but loves the 7 years relationship shes been in, but is dying to sleep with someone else. Ok? Two hours of my life wasted on how shes dying to cheat?

Another ethical 'breach' is when she slipped that she had stolen from her work or lying to me and trying to steal from me when paying the bill (how ugly).

So she is not stupid, she understands the hostility on my part, my trying to distance myself and she still pretends like all is cool. Ive been trying for the past year to see the better side of things in making a judgment on how shes changed...but I cant stand it anymore! And I'm not a radical person! my friendship is precious, Im not keeping my door open just to be polite.

Thank you everyone

 

This information is important to know, and it would definitely influence whether or not I was friends with someone. If someone I'm friends with is someone I can't respect, and worse, someone I suspect might be deceiving me somehow, I would definitely put a lot of distance between me and that person. And I can definitely see how I'd end the relationship under those circumstances.

[vintagecat]

"The comment about her ethics I didnt want to discuss in detail initially because Id hate to sound like Im judging..."

 

We judge all the time. It's not a bad thing. It's a tool to help us evaluate situations and to keep distance from situations and people that are not good for us. Judging has gotten a bad rap.

 

It sounds like you may have initially ignored your better judgement and established a relationship with someone who's character makes you uncomfortable in the long run. It's natural and healthy to want to get out of this relationship now that you realize that this woman is not good for you.

 

I still stand by my comments that you let this thing go gently. If you care enough to tell her that some of her behavior bothers you (the theft, the lying, the outright longing for infidelity) and can do it in such a way that will perhaps allow this woman to grow and mature as a result, you will be doing her a huge favor. If it would become an emotional three ring circus, just keep turning down her invitations and she will eventually get it.

 

Good luck.