5 years later and we are done, Now what do I do? I need !

[californiadreaming]

Ok so I am here to express myself. I have been looking for someone to speak to about my situation who doesn't know me and I found this to be the perfect opportunity. Now before I begin it's a bit lengthy of a story because this is 5 years.

 

It started late December of 2003 a mutual friend was dating my ex's friend. My ex had come around previously through out the year but I never made an approach to her. I thought she was cute but at the time I had a few women.

 

With that said I had always been the player type but when I ran into my ex on a online dating site I contacted her. My intentions were to add her to my list of women and continue playing.

 

Well a day after I spotted her online I left to NYC for a week to spend the Holidays. When I got back me and my ex decided to go out on a date, well we went on a date and begin to hang out everyday from that time on. In the beginning you know everything is great. well me still being young( I was 22 at the time) I was still not being faithful to my ex.

 

I was messing around with other women, she even found evidence, a few numbers, e-mails, nude pics on my computer. I always lied and came up with an excuse. Then a issue came up when I needed to move, she helped me out with 5 grand, I ended up cheating on her alot in that apartment, I even told her about one of the incidents because I felt bad.

 

Time goes on I am still cheating, and by now I am 200% insecure, I am blaming her for stupid stuff like looking at other men, out at night cheating, etc.. basically everything that I was doing. In the mean time I have not been able to hold a job, I attempted to launch a business that failed, and she is fronting the bill for a long time. She put her name on the lease for a 25000 car for me, I pay the bill with the exception of maybe 4 months, but she is loyal and true to me for 4 years.

 

At the same time all she does is work and come to see me. Well this is when things changed.

 

a year ago she decided to go back to school. I thought that I was gonna go wild and have alot of fun but the opposite happened. I begin to miss her not sleeping with me, at the smae time I am 26 years old, and going astray from negativity at this time. I am giving up on drugs, bad friends, ciggerettes, and slowly but shortly women.(which is weird because now that I am not getting sex, I dont want it. at this point)

 

At first it was ok but by the 6th month of her being in school, she has friends now(remind you she had no friends, it was always me and her) it didn't really bother me at first but it did when I begin to feel like she didn't care for me. It got to the point where we had talked about sex millions of times and how I wanted her to make me feel like she was interested in me. It was like unless I touched her to have sex we wouldn't have had it.

 

By this time I was only seeing her thursday night really late for like an hour, and then saturday and sunday. And still she never made moves on me. I dealt with it but that was the begining of terror.

 

We'd have fights about it because here I am horny as a goat and she is not only not pleasing me but she is making me feel like she has no interest. Yea I gained a little weight but c'mon.

 

Well as time progress the next issue of the recession taking place in my industry 5 days before she starts school which means I am out of a job this whole time, so that brings on resentment. She is out working 7am-4pm and then driving 35miles for school from 5pm-10pm everyday while I am at home.

 

So we fight because of money issues, and me being depressed and frustrated taking things out on her. In the begingin I was very physical and mentally abusive to her. I honestly broke this woman down to nothing. I would always try and break up with her and she would say no. I love you and I am staying.

 

Well before I bring you to the break up let me tell you that within the past 6 months we have had these arguments, but they were more of her saying that she felt like all I wanted was her here with me, that I never wanted her to do anything with anyone else, that I was never interested in what she wanted.

 

One thing she was good at was making me feel guilty even if it was her fault. She could not accept her own fault what so ever. But I still tried to show her that I love her.

 

I told her that I was changing for her. That I wanted her to live with me. But the more I loved her the past months the more she pushed away and what happen or caused her to not talk to me is.. 2 weeks ago she got into a car accident, well instead of her calling me after the accident, she called me an hour after while she was waiting on triple a. Well I hear a man in the back and I am like who is that she is like oh its so and so .. Now so and so is an older married man that she works with, and I am like why didn't you call me and tell me that you had an accident I wanted to be there for you, and she replies well you don;t have triple a so it would be pointless.

 

I was hurt, didn't talk to her for a day or two, made a big deal about it and thought that she would have caught on but last Friday she emails me and tells me that 2 younger guys from her job are going to take her home, and I am like dude why? I am here to pick you up. She is like well its a distance from your house when it is 15miles the opposite way of where these guys have to go so whatever

 

I don't make a big deal but later that night I asked to see her and she is like I will come later because my guy friend is coming over(now let me remind you I know her family and the guy friend no biggie he's cool) I wait,and wait.. So I am like look sweety I have no gas and I am hungary I wanna come soon. She is liek ok but I have an event on Sunday and have to be home early. Me being mad because it was going to take out of my time of seeing her Sunday turned my phone off and I left it off all weekend.

 

I checked it Saturday and she was leaving me messages saying I don't have a ride to come see you, come get me. etc.. and I never called until I was beligerantly drunk and her phone was off.. So I waited til Monday(yesterday) and e-mailed her. I was like screw it I am over her, e-mailed her and broke up with her.

 

Well after a few hours of standing my ground I went back and read her e-mails and she seemed as if she didn't care about me breaking up with her. Her words were why am I going tocontinue to love someone who doesn't care about me. She said I tuly should her how far I could go this past weekend. Well, I tried to call her and she didn't accept my calls. I bugged out and started crying and pretty much since then we have talked once and it was not bad we both just cried really hard, I asked her to comeback, and she said she can't she is too hurt. I have hurt her so bad, that she can't. But then she says in her emails that she needs space and if it is meant to be then it will be.

 

Now with all of that briefly said. My thing is this. I know I was wrong. I know that I treated her bad and I don't deserve a good woman like her.

 

But I have changed. I use to be a player, everyone knows that. But, thats not ho I am anymore.

 

If god gave me the choice of being free to be with as many girls or be with her forever and no one else I would choose her. I love this woman and I am sorry that it has taken me 4 1/2 years to figure it out. But I love her and although I highlighted the bad things, like I told her 88% of our overall time spent together has been good. We are best friends. We make eachother laugh, smile, we even cry together. After 5 yrs we still cuddle in the bed. I wake up in the morning holding her all night as if it was the first night spent together. I am living proof that people can change, and I know she loves me to death.

 

I just think that she's hurt right now and from what I have been reading I just need to give her her space. I have already over did it with the emails, contacting co-workers, all of that but from today on I am gonna give her her space. I guess what I wanted to accomplish here was the truth. I have had all of this bottled for so long and in order to move on I needed to let it out.

 

I just pray that God grants me with another chance because I honestly do not want to build with another soul, I love this woman, and I know that we can work it out.

 

Any suggestions?

[Konfuzion]

Any suggestions?

 

Yes, make your post about 75% shorter.

[lkjh]

dude, you can only abuse someone so much until they leave you. You have some personal issues you need to work out before you get into a relationship. One thing is you can not be so sensitive; it seems like all you wanted out of her was devotion. if you were treating her as your emotional crutch for years she probably wants out.

[californiadreaming]

dude, you can only abuse someone so much until they leave you. You have some personal issues you need to work out before you get into a relationship. One thing is you can not be so sensitive; it seems like all you wanted out of her was devotion. if you were treating her as your emotional crutch for years she probably wants out.

 

 

I apologize for my posting being so long. I am going through it hard. I know she probably wants out for good. Its been two days, I am able to go to bed just fine. On Monday night I had a beer and cried myself to bed. Last night I read some good books and felt strong but then I woke up this morning I am as weak as a puppy all over again. The thoughts of is she thinking of me? Maybe she will come see me when her car gets fixed today or tomorrow( If it's not fixed already).

 

The crazy thing is in the 5 years I never spent time with her family but I found myself dreaming about her family last night. All I can do is pray and try to find away to win her back. I was so wrong for so long and I want her to see that I love her and can be different. How do I win this girl back? Like I said 88% of the time was good, I need her to think about the good times not the bad times. I am so sad and confused right now man.

[Sysyphus28]

It sounds like you were the worst boyfriend on earth. It sounds like she went through hell being with you. it sounds like that no matter what you say to her she will always remember your past actions...........which will define your character for HER.

 

You need to find a new woman and treat her right from day 1. This is old news and it will never be good.

 

Just advice, take it or leave it.

[fishtaco]

Load up Mr. Fusion in your DeLorean and hit 88 miles an hour.

 

You screwed up man. It's too late with this woman. Take this lesson to heart.

 

Treat the next one right.

 

Good news is there are always more women out there. Don't be such a douche next time.

[californiadreaming]

Load up Mr. Fusion in your DeLorean and hit 88 miles an hour.

 

You screwed up man. It's too late with this woman. Take this lesson to heart.

 

Treat the next one right.

 

Good news is there are always more women out there. Don't be such a douche next time.

 

:(wow you guys are making me feel like there is absolutely no hope left. And, I am not liking that feeling. I am going to follow the law of attraction but keep in the back of my head that she might not come back. However, I still feel that she might give me another chance, and if she does, I am going to be the best person ever. After reading you all's response's and reading different books throughout last night and today I have come to find that the problem all along has stemmed from my own lack of self love and respect, and like I said in my novel more then recently have I been focusing on finding myself, loving myself, and caring about myself in order to treat people better. Alot of the human psychology stuff I did not know about, or was even aware of until now. The more I read about improving self, wanting to be happy, and be normal the more interested I am in becoming more loyal to myself. So this break up not only broke my heart but it has made me a better person, now all I need is for my woman to comeback and let me show her that I WANT to be the man for her. Give me some hope guys please, I read that 90% of relationships "Do" get back together even if there was cheating involved. I have to still have a chance, I just need to know what the best thing for me to do in order to possibly make it work is?

[Geishawhelk]

The proof of the pudding will be in the eating.

It depends entirely, though, on whether after the dish you've served up until now, she actually feels there's room for dessert.

[frd150]

None of us are trying to be hard on you or take away your hope so I hope you understand that.

 

Change does not happen overnight and all the books in the world will not bring her back. You need to put that change into action because as we all know actions speak louder than words. that said I understand that things are tough right now and finding a job right now is tough and this does not help but you must put this out of your head so that you can put all your words into action.

 

You treated her poorly and in all honesty brother I do not know why she even stayed with you this long even though it was 88% good that 12% sticks and it finally wore on her. Im sorry man. I gurantee she is not thinking of percentages.

 

 

So, I would really take this as a big wake up call and a catylyst to true change. I can tell you that shes afraid the if she comes back things will be the same and your changes are only temporary. So mabe you should:

 

1. try and finda job even if its not your dream job take it. Lets face it times are tough so we need to make do

 

2. Improve yourself. Go to the gym. Its good therapy and plus you will look better

 

3. Cut back on the drinking. In situations like this all it can do is make you more depressed. GO TO THE GYM instead.

 

4. stop calling her, emailing her,no smoke signals or carrier pigoens. I know you said your doing this but I just wanted to remind you. As you have seen all it does is push her away.

 

5. What about school? Maybe youve done that already but it cant hurt to go back eh? Im planning for that now and Im a couple of years older than you.

 

6. Hang out with friends and family. When I say friends I mean the good ones that are not players.

 

Basically I guess what Im saying is to stay busy and focus on yourself. You never know what might happen down the road. Maybe her or someone new but in both instances you want to be a better guy and you want to be able to do it without having to try.

[californiadreaming]

None of us are trying to be hard on you or take away your hope so I hope you understand that.

 

Change does not happen overnight and all the books in the world will not bring her back. You need to put that change into action because as we all know actions speak louder than words. that said I understand that things are tough right now and finding a job right now is tough and this does not help but you must put this out of your head so that you can put all your words into action.

 

You treated her poorly and in all honesty brother I do not know why she even stayed with you this long even though it was 88% good that 12% sticks and it finally wore on her. Im sorry man. I gurantee she is not thinking of percentages.

 

 

So, I would really take this as a big wake up call and a catylyst to true change. I can tell you that shes afraid the if she comes back things will be the same and your changes are only temporary. So mabe you should:

 

1. try and finda job even if its not your dream job take it. Lets face it times are tough so we need to make do

 

2. Improve yourself. Go to the gym. Its good therapy and plus you will look better

 

3. Cut back on the drinking. In situations like this all it can do is make you more depressed. GO TO THE GYM instead.

 

4. stop calling her, emailing her,no smoke signals or carrier pigoens. I know you said your doing this but I just wanted to remind you. As you have seen all it does is push her away.

 

5. What about school? Maybe youve done that already but it cant hurt to go back eh? Im planning for that now and Im a couple of years older than you.

 

6. Hang out with friends and family. When I say friends I mean the good ones that are not players.

 

Basically I guess what Im saying is to stay busy and focus on yourself. You never know what might happen down the road. Maybe her or someone new but in both instances you want to be a better guy and you want to be able to do it without having to try.

 

- Now that is good advice! Thanks Jeff. I am ready for CHANGE,honestly I am. To even think of the lack of self wealth that I had for myself for 27 years, makes me . but it kind of all make's sense, I am where I am because I have allowed myself to be here. almost 98% of my friendships went to crap, I am as paranoid as a skitzo, My trust level is in the negatives, and it's all due to being untrue to myself. I am happy that I am able to realize this now, but it hurt's that I might have lost my best friend, most of all it hurt's me to think of everything that I did to her (That she has no idea about). How could I be so low of a person? I guess whether she comes back or not the space is good because I want to focus on loving myself so that I can love others. I haven't shed a tear today guys! Thanks to you all. Now, my next move is to post in the self-improvent section tonight and figure out where to start on loving myself.

[Geishawhelk]

It's important also that as you move into a realm of self-esteem and self-love, it doesn't veer or stray into the domain of egotism.

It sounds obvious, I know. And far be it from me to discourage you from this journey of self-discovery (Bon Voyage!) but it can happen.

 

I should know, I'm perilously close to perfect, myself.

 

Stay cool, be well.

[fishtaco]

Sorry if my time traveling reference was harsh, but really it's time to move in the right direction. People don't change. They do only when bad things happen, like when you lose the love of your life. But realizing your problem is only the tip of the iceberg. frd150 had great suggestions, but those things won't happen over night. You have to build yourself up into a solid and dependable person first. You have to be strong enough to stand on your own, strong enough for others to lean on, THEN you add to it by finding a significant other. By strong I mean everything. Emotional, financial, healthy, and be in a good place in your life. If you want serious relationships, stability is very important. I assume that's what you want because treating women like crap won't stop them from hooking up with you (as you know already, you are obviously capable, with your cheating experience), but it'll stop them from staying with you.

 

In fact, if you manage to get back with your ex, you just might screw it up again. Not that you suck, but dysfunctions are difficult to get over for anyone.

 

Improve yourself. Once you've reached significant milestones (you don't have to be perfect, just good enough), maybe you can consider getting back with her, or perhaps starting something new. But not now.

[frd150]

- Now that is good advice! Thanks Jeff. I am ready for CHANGE,honestly I am. To even think of the lack of self wealth that I had for myself for 27 years, makes me . but it kind of all make's sense, I am where I am because I have allowed myself to be here. almost 98% of my friendships went to crap, I am as paranoid as a skitzo, My trust level is in the negatives, and it's all due to being untrue to myself. I am happy that I am able to realize this now, but it hurt's that I might have lost my best friend, most of all it hurt's me to think of everything that I did to her (That she has no idea about). How could I be so low of a person? I guess whether she comes back or not the space is good because I want to focus on loving myself so that I can love others. I haven't shed a tear today guys! Thanks to you all. Now, my next move is to post in the self-improvent section tonight and figure out where to start on loving myself.

 

No problem. I know the pain and it $ucks..

 

Just try to not take on too much at once. Make some goals for yourself,realistic ones umm maybe throw in some unrealistic ones. Who knows your sense of reality may be changing soon and for the better.Remember what you did as a lesson and also remember how bad you feel now for doing it. It will be like a smack in the face and you will say to yourself" Wow, I was such a douche";).

 

Good luck!

[californiadreaming]

No problem. I know the pain and it $ucks..

 

Just try to not take on too much at once. Make some goals for yourself,realistic ones umm maybe throw in some unrealistic ones. Who knows your sense of reality may be changing soon and for the better.Remember what you did as a lesson and also remember how bad you feel now for doing it. It will be like a smack in the face and you will say to yourself" Wow, I was such a douche";).

 

Good luck!

 

 

Well I have got some decent news, She called my mother yesterday, but my mother missed the call, and returned her call about an hour ago.

 

My mother said that my ex and her spoke for a good 45min. I asked my mom if she sounded like it might work out and she said "Yes" because she is still very much in love with you. My mother said that she started to cry and said that I get jealous/frustrated and accuse her of things that are not true. She said that she was just tired of me treating her bad.

 

My mother also said that my ex said that she hopes that time will heal things. So with all of this said I think that I might have a chance to try again and be the man that she deserves this time. My mom also said that she was very upset about me calling her job and asking her co-worker about our problem.

 

I know , I know. Rule number one don't call the job or be a terrorist. The question now is what do I do? I explained to my mother the lesson I learned and how I truly feel and my mother said that I should write her a letter by hand and send it in the mail. If I do that she won't get it until Saturday if not Monday, because of the holiday. Mom also suggest that I don't push hard at all and give her time(Which I am aware of) and I am already doing that but should I send my ex a letter stating how I feel? Or what should the letter include? Should I mail it? Drop it off? What?

 

Please help with this next step.