LittleDove Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Heya everyone- Writing here on LS was so helpful in just 'telling' people what id been through..I didnt feel so alone, in my times of indecicion, infact I had some very wise voices giving me perspective..... What my egox did over the years, was so inhumane, so disgusting, and so hurtful, so...the opposite of love. I simply cannot afford the man anymore of my time, in thought, and especially dwelling on the past hurt. Im just so glad im not in a full on crappy abusive relationship anymore. He has lost any charm, any hazy good memories. Its all gone, his recent actions, being the final straw. He couldnt give me a reason why he had hurt and lied to me this last time- let alone every other time.. and I have come to a place where, I no longer care, nothing he could ever say or do, would be enough for me to place any trust in him again. Let alone be my partner! I will still log in sometimes to see if theres any good threads, but im done with talking of my past with egox. (in a dwelling in the pain of it all sense) He is beyond emotions, and so cruel callous and cold, I dont even think the man I loved exists anymore. I cant grieve him anymore. I dont want to. Its been 6 months since I left, and 1 day since he called. There was nothing left to say- except he threatened court action...whatever, I will go fight it again, and sue him for expenses. Im sad I ever loved him, im sad he changed, im NOT sad we broke up. Im actually very GLAD;)I NEED to forget the egox and just get on with MY precious life. Im moving forward with my life, and have placed my apartment on the market today. Im moving to a spectactular- full of nature and wildlife area of Australia, in the rainforest, overlooking the coast, and city. A whole new life. Im buying a house by myself...daunting..yes, empowering YES!!! I am very fortunate to be able to do this on my own. And in my mid thirtys, why wait? I dont need a man to buy a house. I dont need a man for anything, except love. Im now experienceing butterflies for all the right reasons, anticpation of what my future holds...who I might meet, what my career might grow into... The possibilities are endless. Its MY life, and im back in the drivers seat....I have truly let go of my past, to the point i dont even wish to speak or write of egox. Im enrolled in some further study, and heading in a clear direction. Best part is, im excited. This is MY new life. Im in control, IM free, im finally OVER the past. Yes- Its sad. Yes- Its over. Its done. I have 'let go' !!! making me free to move on, not in limbo waiting...hoping.. wishing and dreaming. Truth is, im better off now. I am 'me' again. And planning my future has suddenly become my reality, instead of pondering it. I decided to JUST DO IT. Make it happen. For ME. Things DO get better, easier...I think it happens when you are all cried out, worn out, and DECIDE its time to start living again, DECIDE its time to stop being depressed. DECIDE how you feel each day, instead of allowing emotional reactions to dictate how you feel. I feel great with a new lease of life, a new wonder and joy of the NOW, and a real sense of wellbeing I have because I know I wont let ME down.
9Lives Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 this is good. Thank you for reaching back. My day is coming and I cant wait.
Author LittleDove Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Hey- Well I have to say im a little dissapointed that no one is interested in soething positive... but I guess the site lends towards the broken hearted, and the drama and angst of break ups and relationships... Not being happy in your own skin and loving life... I choose not to dwell on negative anymore, and for now, that includes posting on LS. Even reading the titles of new posts, is depressing!! I hope everyone finds peace- it will come with time, and acceptance. I will be staying away from LS for a little while, while I concerntrate on all that is positive in my world. Goodluck everyone. Happiness is yours, you only need to choose it. Bye for now! (and big thanks to the special few who really helped me....amaysngrace, and island girl sand out in my memory) Cheers everyone- Be happy, life is short, and time waits for no man.
9Lives Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Little Dove, people are still hurting and trying to get over it. It is not that they dont want to hear your personal victory. It is a sad time for a lot of us. that all
Author LittleDove Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Hey 9lives...i re- read my very selfish last post...gawd what a horrible thing to say:o sorry, im totally embarrased about how selfish I sounded. I understand how it feels when nothing happy makes sense. Im sorry to all the hurting people...BUT, please take some positive from me, and see that a life full of new chances, new possibilities, is just around the corner. It hasnt been easy- from May until now... But something 'clicked' and I decided hes been on my mind long enough, and when im totally honest about it, the man was no catch, emotionally immature, and so shallow, we didnt agree on anything... fleeting moments of normality and gestures of love set inbetween pyscolodgical abuse and a minefield of passive aggresive behaviour...he was a jerk. I used to think that because id changed, it could work and be better, that was a fantasy, and im so glad I am free, and have chances to meet a wonderful genuine normal man, not an emotionally retarded abusive one. I can see my egox for what he is...a flake, a phoney, and a guy with no concious and no heart. Yes he hurt me, in SO many ways.. but no ones going to fix any of that, except time, and me loving myself again. ME I could dwell, and allow myself to go crazy, or I could choose to get happy about my freedom from oppresion. I choose the latter. That doesnt mean hes out of my head completly...I long for that day, but now the thoughts are less, and in my mind, theres no possibility of any reconciliation. That makes it easier for me now, to just look and move forwards. (today I woke and he was in my thoughts..hate that, maybe a dream caused it, habit..i caught it and put the thoughts into perspective. 2 years of being with someone is a habit to break) Im forming new habits, like shaping my body, getting into my excersise and healthy living. ahhhg, I will continue to post here, because...im bored, im having some minor sugery next week, and have about 15 day off work... I might just go batty!! I have the right attitude, now I have to catch up with myself. I have put the emotional ego body within me at a distance, and instead of being my emotional self..I am watching my emotional pain body instead of being it..very freeing, to realise the way I was feeling, with so much anger pain and sorrow, wasnt ME it was my emotional self. "The power of living in the now" Eckhart Tolle. Cant reccomend it enough. That book has helped me gain perspective. Being stuck at home is fustrating when all you want to do is get out there and LIVE! love to all!!! ciao!!
9Lives Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 i know you did not mean any harm. Healing from someone you love is a process. Many different stages that one goes thru to get to a better place. No one escapes. I wanted to be the first. We have to go thru it. I am at a stage of acceptance. I know this is not going to work out and I dont want crumbs. He is selfish too and it is all about him. I could not see that cause he is not always that way but he likes everything to be on his terms for the most part. i went along with it cause I enjoyed him so much. I am learning that you have to distance yourself when you are dating someone that you start to notice is selfish or you will get sucked in. Selfish people dont really give a ****. They do for a little while but they slip back into themselves. they can be so sweet and charming and then the next thing you know...ice cold. Keep your distance and you did yourself a favor by letting it go. good for you
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