ChemLabRat Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Well I'm not much of a blogger and I have never done anything like posting your life on the web for people to judge you, but there aren't too many other places to go. My situation: Married 6 years, two young boys, hasn't been the best relationship on the books but I think we make the 50% good times 50% not so good times rule. My Story: About 2 months ago my wife asked me about opening our relationship b/c she need more sexually... We have had some complicated bedroom problems on my side (i was never with anyone else physically). I after much persuasion from her and me not wanting to lose her I reluctantly agreed. She admitted to sleeping with a semi-friend ( which I swear was before the agreement) and I got over it. Now she basically has a BF but say she hasn't done anything but kissed him ( I'm 95% sure that's true) I am jealous of the relationship, but go with it. A week ago I exploded emotionally and told her I can't do this anymore and during the conversation she said she would stop. The next morning she said she "needs more" and is pretty sure she's leaving. We talked some more and I again agreed to let her continue the openness. Our relationship has gotten much better she is truly happy and very much into our bedroom activities, b/c she say that so gets so turned on after chatting/talking to her quasi BF (whom is married too). My side is that I am having a problem sharing I guess and am totally jealous of the attention/relationship she has with him. I not happy with things but pretty much know that if i decided to close the marriage it will end with her leaving. I REALLY don't want to get a divorce, I want a happy wife and my boys to have a real mom and dad that are together, but I need to be at least semi happy too, which I'm not there. I don't really want to be with someone else, but have thought about but I think it would be a more revenge thing then anything else. I Know what everyone is going to say... you need to leave her and it will hurt but your boys are your boys and you will get over someday. But I really don't want to end it I truly love my wife and honestly want to stay with her. Do I just suck it up and stop complaining, and hope this her quote " phase " will end soon and then I get my wife back. I know there's not a real question here but for some reason it feels good just to throw it out there. Thank you for your time and listen to my rant
Bryanp Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I don't mean to be harsh but why would you wife respect a spouse that allows her to have boyfriends, sex with other men now and in the future and puts his health at risk for STD's? What a great message (sic) you are giving your children in that it is acceptable to be a total doormat to your wife. A message that it is acceptable to share your wife with other men. When your children get older would you want them to be in a marriage with a spouse like this? It is obvious that you are totally co-dependent on your life. It is obvious that she has absolutely no respect for you and has no belief in the committment of a marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? This open marriage will destroy what is left of your ego and self-esteem. It is a matter of time before she get seriously sexually involved with another boyfriend. She has already had sex behind your back so you do not know the whole truth anyway. A marriage is between two people. It is not between a husband, a wife and her boyfriend. Do you realize how amazingly sad and pathetic you sound begging to stay with your wife by allowing her to have a boyfriend and screw other men if she pleases. I am sorry to be harsh but your fear of losing her guarantees that in the long run you will lose her. She has a husband who lets her have boyfriends because he afraid of divorce. Maybe if you stood up to her and see a lawyer she would get the message that her husband is not jello and maybe someone she should respect. I beg you to see a therapist to understand why you allow yourself to accept such totally humiliation, betrayal and disrespect from your wife. For the sake of your children get therapy and learn how to respect yourself. Your story is so sad and you do not seem to see how it totally demeans you as a spouse, father and a man.
Reggie Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Your wife is abusive. You might want to consider getting some therapy to help you get your self esteem back and to see that you can have a good life without her.
Owl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Open marriages only work with both parties ENTHUSIASTICALLY endorse "the lifestyle". Even then, they often don't last long, as one of the other partner begins to feel exactly as you do. My suggestion is simple...set boundaries, and enforce them. Tell her you're NOT good with the idea of open marriage. Tell her you ARE willing to work on improving the areas that the two of you have problems in, but you're no longer willing to "share". If she can't accept that, then perhaps it IS time to consider divorce. I'd suspect she had a boyfriend BEFORE she asked your permission. She's been cheating on you since before that first discussion with you, as you've suspected. Insist to her that the "problems" here are NOT all on your side...her "need for more" is perhaps the problem that needs to be addressed more than anything else, and so you need to INSIST on marriage counseling...perhaps with a therapist who specializes in issues with physical intimacy. Regardless...this isn't going to end or get better by agreeing to let her cheat on you...and leave you home sitting there feeling horrible. TAKE A STAND.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I Know what everyone is going to say... you need to leave her and it will hurt but your boys are your boys and you will get over someday. But I really don't want to end it I truly love my wife and honestly want to stay with her. Do I just suck it up and stop complaining, and hope this her quote " phase " will end soon and then I get my wife back. I know there's not a real question here but for some reason it feels good just to throw it out there. Thank you for your time and listen to my rant Do you really want to stay married to someone who clearly doesn't love or respect you? You are agreeing to this open marriage because otherwise you fear she will leave. However, implicit in this agreement is that you simply are not enough for her. That is a giant steamy pile of **** my friend! For someone who actually loves you... nobody else is required. Tell her no! Tell her that your only willing to love someone who loves you back. If she wants out, then ask her to leave and say that She can come visit the kids anytime she pleases.
JustBreathe Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Chem, I think you're being played here. I'm so sorry. Even if you consented at first, you aren't okay with it any longer. She should respect that because you two are married and your happiness should be as important as hers. If she can't or won't, then she's having an affair, and what is more, she is having it right beneath your nose. If you are in a miserable situation, it is within your power to change that. I won't say you should get a divorce, that's a personal thing and you're the only one who can say whether you should or shouldn't. But if you are tolerating it, then yes suck it up because you're accepting her abusive behavior. Does his wife know about this 'open' relationship?
angie2443 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Could you be more specific about why you love your wife? What makes her the one for you? It sounds like she has had someone on the side for awhile and wants permision to be with them in the open. She doesn't seem to care for your feelings to much or have any respect for you.
Author ChemLabRat Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Thanks everyone for the replies... I do agree that we need professional consuling and tried it once before and the guy was a joke. I pretty much know that I am being taken advantage. The question of why do I love my wife...well History and our boys that makes our family, My commitment not really to god.. to my vows. Why do I love her, well when I don't think about what she has done she makes me happy we have fun together, I am completely attracted to her and our bedroom life is good if not great. In regards to her cheating once I forgave her for that and got over it. What she has now almost hurts worse. She is talking and only talking ( I know this b/c I read her emails which she doesn't know) to a guy that is her bosses boss and no his wife doesn't know which I’m not very happy about. They haven't cheated per say, but she gets satisfaction from the attention, its more like emotional cheating I guess. Why stay well one even though I'm hurt deeply and jealous of what she is doing i am a forgiving person and pretty sure I can get over it, but I think long term we can still work. two I desperately do not my boys to grow up in a split house hold, I know that’s not a good reason to stay in a marriage but I feel passionately that if our marriage ends that it will defiantly effect their well-being and we won't be as close as we could be. I plan on telling her to stop the madness and be committed to me and only me, but I don't want to really do anything like leave her until after the holidays.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Consider that your boys may be more damaged by this than by any split household. You are thier role model of a father and a husband. If you permit your wife to do this to you, you are teaching them to be the same! I know this dynamic goes well beyond the online chatting. It really just sounds like your afraid to end the relationship. What are you afraid of?
pelicanpreacher Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Your wife has been pecking away like some deranged chicken at each and every available opportunity to upgrade herself from your life! Your situation is made that much more tenuous by the fact that you have children to whom you are heavily invested while still hoping beyond hope that this woman will magically return to your marriage as a devoting wife just because you want it so badly. WELCOME TO THE MEAN SEASON OF YOUR LIFE! Please take a moment to center yourself and begin planning for a future on your own with your boys completely without her. Do not get caught as a stepping stone of her stiletto's selfish plans for when she decides to make her move I guarantee that this revelation is sure to obliterate every ounce of self esteem that you have, had, or will ever have for the forseeable future. Now seeing the end game to this scenario are your sure you want to travel this fool's road to fool's gold onto it's logical conclusion?
roadrage Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 A woman who needs space is a woman who can't get enough sex. I'm sorry but that is what your wife is. You married a slag, and that's the cold hard truth. Loose "it" before you or your kids catch some exotic veneral disease from "it"! :sick: Sorry!
Agent_99 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Chem~ I've been in an open relationship before. It is hard to transition from a monagamous one to an open one. If the relationship starts out open it is different. The thing is, it sounds like she doesn't want to loose her marriage to you, she just wants to be open about being with another man. You really need to define your boudaries if this has any chance of working. Not how far philosophically you are willing to go. By your reaction she is reaching one of your boundaries. There is also what you said about her possibly not being 100% honest with you, this type of thing calls for very complete and utter honesty to ever really work. And yet like Owl said, most of the open relationships I've seen don't work out. If you are determined to let her have this, then one solution would be for you both to take some space for your own couplehood. Ask her to put the open thing on hold until you feel strong in your relationship with her again. And then take things VERY slowly. Don't be so afraid of loosing her. The tighter you grasp the more likely she is to slip away. ~99
roadrage Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Agent 99 Who cares whether he loses her or not? Why should he be the one to adapt and make changes? But I agree, don't tighten your grip on her (Unless you're strangling her!). Have some dignity! For the good of the kids, be yourself and do whats right for them. To hell with this bitch! She's no friend of yours! Do whats right for the ones who need you most......your kids and you!
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 The only person who can force an open relationship on you, is you, by allowing it. It's not making you happy, is it? Time to draw the line. Get a lawyer and fast.
Agent_99 Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 Agent 99 Who cares whether he loses her or not? Why should he be the one to adapt and make changes? But I agree, don't tighten your grip on her (Unless you're strangling her!). Have some dignity! For the good of the kids, be yourself and do whats right for them. To hell with this bitch! She's no friend of yours! Do whats right for the ones who need you most......your kids and you! I think he cares whether or not he looses her from his life. Anyway I was just giving advice based on my experiences. ~99
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 I don't see that you have much of a choice at this point. What you barely recognize is that your wife already dumped you, but she still keeps you around for some reason. She is seeing other people and fooling around with you - similar to a situation where people separate, but still see each other as friends and lovers. You don't really have a relationship with her. You're just married on paper and she is stringing you along. For how long are you going to put up with this? Until she loses interest in other guys and settles for you? Did she love you passionately when you two got married? If no, then you have no business staying with her and letting her destroy your self-esteem more and more with each day. If she did love you once, she may fall in love with you again - but only if you start acting like a man and leave her. She might just regret losing you.
SierraRose Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Kudos to your wife for being open enough to talk to you first about her needs and not seeking an A behind your back; however, that type of lifestyle has to be mutually agreed upon. It sounds more one sided to me. A marriage is work; if the intimacy is lacking between the two of you, then why did she not suggest spicing things up between you two? There are many ways to do that, you just need imagination! Basically, you are giving her the ok to have an A. I know personally, I couldn't handle the person I loved being with another. Do not settle for just what comes your way. Stand up for what you want and if she is not willing, then she's not worth it!
RecordProducer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Kudos to your wife for being open enough to talk to you first about her needs and not seeking an A behind your back; Kuddos to his wife?! She has no respect for him whatsoever, beside the fact that she is sleeping around on him. She knew he didn't like the idea; the moment he agreed to it reluctantly, she consciously hurt his feelings and walked all over his manhood. And even worse, when he gathered the courage to oppose her lifestyle, she threatened to dump him. She has no scrupules or compassion whatsoever. At least the people who hide their affairs don't want to hurt their partners; they are simply selfish.
Reggie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Kuddos to his wife?! She has no respect for him whatsoever, beside the fact that she is sleeping around on him. She knew he didn't like the idea; the moment he agreed to it reluctantly, she consciously hurt his feelings and walked all over his manhood. And even worse, when he gathered the courage to oppose her lifestyle, she threatened to dump him. She has no scrupules or compassion whatsoever. At least the people who hide their affairs don't want to hurt their partners; they are simply selfish. I would not say the cheater that hides it does so entirely out of the desire to shield the partner from hurt. There is a fair bit of self interest involved. If protecting the partner was of paramont concern, how do you explain the willingness to expose to STD's? I agree that she is heartless, though.
RecordProducer Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I would not say the cheater that hides it does so entirely out of the desire to shield the partner from hurt. There is a fair bit of self interest involved. Yes, you're absolutely right, but at least that element is not necessarily excluded, as it is in this case. It's kinda like a guy stringing a woman along and using her for sex while she's in love vs. the guy telling the woman "You're only good for sex because you're an ugly, stupid cow." The former is also heartless, but the latter is evil. On the other hand... do we know the whole story here?
Author ChemLabRat Posted December 1, 2008 Author Posted December 1, 2008 My wife has not slept with any other man besides the one. She has kissed a few but said it was only friendly kisses ?? She likes the new attention that she gets from this "friend" she has and they email and chat all the time, they work together so most of it is worked realated but the other half is quite spicy. I just am afriad she has choosen a life path that is the wrong way. I want nothing more than to keep this marriage alive, I know that most you think that I am a spinless whimp that is completly whipped by her. I can undertand why she likes the attention of other men hell I would like the attention of another woman, but my biggest problem I think is that she really doesn't seem like it makes her few guilty or regretfull. I have never done anything with another woman but I think if I did I would feel horrible. but on the other hand I think that maybe I should go find my own friend and see how that makes her feel. She says that she would love it if I did... who knows. Thanks everyone for your input its really comforting to be able to talk and get things off my chest per say.
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Of course she'd love it if you found someone else. It justifies and rationalizes HER actions...it makes it all "OK". And here's the thing...you are TELLING her that it's "OK" with all that you're doing right now. If you are completely unwilling to do anything to change this, to prevent this, to put an end to it...then you should just go ahead and accept it. You are ENABLING it. You may as well start booking dates at the motel for her and him. I know that's harsh. It's MEANT to be. Because you really need to see your INACTION for what it truly is. If you don't like it...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Or...GO ALONG WITH IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Its up to you to decide which of those two paths you want to take. Currently, you're on the last one.
Marteka Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 As others have said on this thread, it sounds like she's looking for something else already and has in some way already moved on...but she's not prepared to cut her losses completely. Hence, the hemming and hawing and hurting you in the process. You already said you know that others will tell you to move on. You can only move on when you are ready to move on, but my guess is, she will completely do so and force you to do so eventually (just a guess, mind you). I once was convinced by someone to allow an open relationship, except it was open on one side only since I adored him and didn't want to be with anyone else. It took a heck of a lot of pain to realise it would never, ever have worked. I walked away a long, long way further down the track and learned more about myself in the process than I could ever have imagined. Eventually, I forgave him and understood him (and I mean, really forgave him, not just said the words), but it took years. All the best.
Reggie Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 I'd cut the cord. Pull that bandaid off quickly and deal with the intense, but shorter duration of pain. If she has disengaged, it is no reflection on you. Some folks jsut ain't marriage material.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 But I really don't want to end it I truly love my wife and honestly want to stay with her. uh, but she wants to #$%# other men. what is to love? Do I just suck it up and stop complaining Since you don't want to divorce her, then the answer is yes. Suck it up and be a cuckold.
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