mamaToBe Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Hi. I am 26 weeks pregnant and my husband (40) and I (34) have been married 4 years. We always did spend a lot of time at a couple local bars, after work we'd stop by for a couple hours maybe 4 times a week. I was tired of it before I got pregnant and he'd just tell me "well you don't have to come". Well now I am pregnant and he hasnt cut back at all. Now he just goes without me and most of the time stays out longer than we did when we were together. I am sad and angry a lot because I am home alone so much. I am very scared this won't change after the baby comes - he says it will but deep down I dont believe it all. For 26 weeks I have bitching and it does me no good, I've tried expressing my feelings calmly, writing emails, all of that and of course not once has he said he will cut back - he just tells me I have nothing to worry about. I know a part of me is being insecure and feeling abandoned and then another part of me is feeling very justified. I just want someone else's objective opinion. Do I just accept it or do I try to lay down some boundaries? I don't want to be controlling... but I dont want to be miserable always wondering why the bar is so important. Thanks!
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 If I were you I would take control of something. A baby is on the way and your husband sounds out of control. He is feeding your insecurities by acting this way. It's no way for you to feel, but especially in your condition. Every stress you feel is sensed by your baby. I would suggest you have a heart-to-heart with him. Not tonight. He's been drinking. But soon. Think about what you want from him, what needs to change on his part, and think about what you are willing to do if he won't compromise with you. If it cannot be done realistically then it isn't an option. So stay within what you actually have the power to execute if need be. Don't be too harsh but don't be too easy either. Try to be fair. Seriously take your time and think it through. When the time is right have a conversation with him. Not an email.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Hi. We always did spend a lot of time at a couple local bars, after work we'd stop by for a couple hours maybe 4 times a week. What's that old line about men marry women hoping they won't change and women marry men hoping they will??? You married a social drinker and hoping he'll change completely at age 40 is probably unrealistic. An acceptable compromise might be to agree to schedule his Happy Hours for specific nights so at least you'll know when he will be there. As soon as the baby is old enough, he should take over at least one night a week so that you can have some time to yourself. Do you think his drinking will be a problem down the road? Most people that spend 10 hours a week in bars are at risk of alcoholism... Mr. Lucky
blair08 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I agree with what the others have said. 4 times a weeks is alot. I understand people wanting to unwind after work and having a drink, but going 4 times for 3-4 hours is to much IMO. I do not feel it will change after the baby is born. Not on his own anyway. You need to talk with him about how it makes you feel. Putting you foot down on the issue is probably the best thing to do. And possibly talking with a counselor about it as well. You don't have to be ugly acting or mean to get your point across but he does need to be aware of the seriousness of his actions. There is a new life on the way, its time for him to grow up and act like a responsible adult/parent.
D-Jam Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Hi. I am 26 weeks pregnant and my husband (40) and I (34) have been married 4 years. We always did spend a lot of time at a couple local bars, after work we'd stop by for a couple hours maybe 4 times a week. I was tired of it before I got pregnant and he'd just tell me "well you don't have to come". Well now I am pregnant and he hasnt cut back at all. Now he just goes without me and most of the time stays out longer than we did when we were together. I am sad and angry a lot because I am home alone so much. I am very scared this won't change after the baby comes - he says it will but deep down I dont believe it all. For 26 weeks I have bitching and it does me no good, I've tried expressing my feelings calmly, writing emails, all of that and of course not once has he said he will cut back - he just tells me I have nothing to worry about. I know a part of me is being insecure and feeling abandoned and then another part of me is feeling very justified. I just want someone else's objective opinion. Do I just accept it or do I try to lay down some boundaries? I don't want to be controlling... but I dont want to be miserable always wondering why the bar is so important. Thanks! Be careful. My friend ended up in an accidental pregnancy with a guy who also acted like your husband. While she was pregnant, he was out partying every weekend with his friends. His rationale is he wanted to get it out of his system before locking in his life as a father. As time passed, he then started flirting and shopping around to replace her, even stating how "she's out of here after the baby's born...we broke up" She finally had enough and moved out of their apartment back to her Mother's. Baby was born, he barely ever sees his daughter (as well as little child support), and is still out partying and trying to pick up women 10+ years younger than him. I don't know the best way to handle this, but I would tell you to get things out there and lay down the law. I think it's fine if he wants to go out one night a week for drinks and see his friends, but if he's going out all the time, then that's just bad as a husband. Pregnant or not, he's in a RELATIONSHIP, and he needs to also give you time. Plus when the baby is born, he might need to not waste money on drinks and instead spend it on the baby. Do something...because as I'm seeing from my friend's ex and some other males...it's pretty easy for them to run and neglect rather than take responsibility. One of those few things that makes me roll my eyes about my own gender.
LovieDove24 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Are you in denial here or is he? It sounds to me like your hubby has a drinking problem. And I, coming from a family of alcoholics, realize that denial runs rampant here but you need to stop and think: Is he just being stubborn here and resisting my nags? Or can he really not cut it out of his life? If you listen to your heart and find the latter to be true, I suggest you seek counseling immediatly. No amount of nagging, pleading, kindly urging from you OR your soon to be child will change him. You yourself said you easily grew out of it. Now stop and think, why can't he??
angie2443 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 What's that old line about men marry women hoping they won't change and women marry men hoping they will??? You married a social drinker and hoping he'll change completely at age 40 is probably unrealistic. An acceptable compromise might be to agree to schedule his Happy Hours for specific nights so at least you'll know when he will be there. As soon as the baby is old enough, he should take over at least one night a week so that you can have some time to yourself. Do you think his drinking will be a problem down the road? Most people that spend 10 hours a week in bars are at risk of alcoholism... Mr. Lucky Only problem with this is that when a baby comes, things have to change. No one can live the life they had before the baby. A baby is a full time, day/night responsibility. Anyways, this man sounds like an alcoholic, or at least a problem drinker. This is not the best situation to bring the baby into.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 mamatobe, is we're you guys actually drinking the whole time during those 4x per week, or was it a social hangout where friends gathered?
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Only problem with this is that when a baby comes, things have to change. No one can live the life they had before the baby. A baby is a full time, day/night responsibility. Hope it didn't sound like I disagreed with this because I think this is true. That's why I think the OP and her H need to agree on a schedule for some R&R for BOTH of them once a routine is established. And this is a discussion that needs to be had now... Mr. Lucky
brothelmaiden Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 First time father? He sounds like a trapped alcoholic. I hope he hasn't had a string of affairs yet.
jmargel Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Does he actually get drunk at the bar? Or does he just socialize and shoot pool with his buddies? If he's been doing this for years, it's become a second nature to him. You two need to start going out on dates and doing things together.
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