waiting Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Its been 2 years....and im still waiting for him to leave. How long is to long??? How do you know??
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 If you are beginning to get frustrated because it's taking too long then I'd say now is too long.
RecordProducer Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Two years and no realistic plans for leaving soon? I'd say, stop seeing him now. What's the story?
jj33 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 You should never be waiting. When you get to the point where you want someone to leave if they are not leaving (and I mean packing their bags and moving out not planning to do it in 3, 6 9 months) then you walk. And then its up to him to decide whether he means what he says about being with you and building a future together. Hanging around and waiting simply enables him to have his cake and eat it too. Why should he leave? He has the best of both worlds.
Author waiting Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Two years and no realistic plans for leaving soon? I'd say, stop seeing him now. What's the story? Same old story....says he doesnt love her but they have small children.....
Author waiting Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 You should never be waiting. When you get to the point where you want someone to leave if they are not leaving (and I mean packing their bags and moving out not planning to do it in 3, 6 9 months) then you walk. And then its up to him to decide whether he means what he says about being with you and building a future together. Hanging around and waiting simply enables him to have his cake and eat it too. Why should he leave? He has the best of both worlds. Thank you, my head knows you are entirely right.....and ive tried.....but i cant stick to it, and i dont know if im strong enough to take the risk that I say that and he doesnt come back. But at the same time im so tired of being lonely...
jj33 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Think of it as truth serum. You are lonely and you are in it. How much lonlier can you be out of it? If he doesnt come back you have two choices - you can cave and go back to him after an appropriate amount of time (say 6 months) but I GUARANTEE you that if you stay away for 6 months you will get to a point where the pain of being apart is less than the pain of being together. Or you can move on. But lets face it, if you break it off and he says see ya, it was a good time thanks for the memories (after telling you not to leave please understand his situation he loves you etc etc) then he wasnt leaving anyway. So you have saved yourself "waiting". Waiting is a way of hiding from your future saying I am not ready to live fully at the moment, i am busy waiting. If you dont wait either he will come around in time (meaning before you meet someone else) or he wont. But waiting helps noone but a cake eater. And it keeps you stuck. Being stuck serves some purpose or you wouldnt do it. I know for me it was fear of the future. But the future comes minute by minute whether you want it to or not. You cant stop life from happening its just a matter of how fully you participate in it. So get out there and live. If MM doesnt want to share it with you that is his loss. But if you want more than the A offers you, no sense in limiting yourself.
Mino Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired......
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Its been 2 years....and im still waiting for him to leave He isn't going to leave. He will, however, continue to keep you on the side as the OW for as long as you want. He is selfish and has two women to meet all his needs, why would he want to give one of you up? Same old story....says he doesnt love her but they have small children..... Again, he isn't going to leave. Especially with 2 small children. I hope you stop wasting your time, energy and life on this guy. You deserve more than what he is offering you.
frannie Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Its been 2 years....and im still waiting for him to leave. How long is to long??? How do you know?? Same old story....says he doesnt love her but they have small children..... Hello. Does he know you're 'waiting' or expecting him to leave? What does he say about that? Has he said there's a chance he'll leave, does he have any plans, has he made any move towards it? How long is how long you're prepared to put up with it. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on the harder it is to exit the affair... until you reach your own particular 'end of my tether' moment... that could take quite a while yet On the other side of the coin, how long does it take a man to leave a marriage? From what I've read, usually years, even from the point he thinks he's 'done'. See the two sides of the coin... he takes forever to get to leaving, you take forever to have enough of the situation. So the affair drags on til one of you can't bear it any longer. That's usually the OW.
Author waiting Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Hello. Does he know you're 'waiting' or expecting him to leave? What does he say about that? Has he said there's a chance he'll leave, does he have any plans, has he made any move towards it? How long is how long you're prepared to put up with it. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on the harder it is to exit the affair... until you reach your own particular 'end of my tether' moment... that could take quite a while yet On the other side of the coin, how long does it take a man to leave a marriage? From what I've read, usually years, even from the point he thinks he's 'done'. See the two sides of the coin... he takes forever to get to leaving, you take forever to have enough of the situation. So the affair drags on til one of you can't bear it any longer. That's usually the OW. He knows im waiting...and he says he feels bad and guilty that I am waiting, and I know thats what they all say, but i also know him and I believe that he does.....granted not bad enough to leave though.... He has moved towards it....slowly...I have days when i think i have reached my 'tether' moment...but then in my heart i know i actually havent, but i fear if i looked at my life from the outside I would think I was just pathetic for staying. I have never thought of the other side of the coin as you put it, thank you for pointing that out, your right. Lurking on this site has helped me no end, sometimes its so good to realise your not alone. I have in the last week begun keeping a diary, more in the hope that writing it down will help to get things out of my head, and I think it is. Thank you everyone, i really appreciate your replies.
Author waiting Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 And I apologise if I seem evasive with the details, im a little to scared to put it all out there.
RecordProducer Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Same old story....says he doesnt love her but they have small children.....You don't want a guy with small children, trust me. It will take you two years to get over him if you dump him. It will take at least a decade of pain and unsolvable problems if you stay with him. YOU make your choice.
frannie Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 He knows im waiting...and he says he feels bad and guilty that I am waiting, and I know thats what they all say, but i also know him and I believe that he does.....granted not bad enough to leave though.... He has moved towards it....slowly...I have days when i think i have reached my 'tether' moment...but then in my heart i know i actually havent, but i fear if i looked at my life from the outside I would think I was just pathetic for staying. I have never thought of the other side of the coin as you put it, thank you for pointing that out, your right. Lurking on this site has helped me no end, sometimes its so good to realise your not alone. I have in the last week begun keeping a diary, more in the hope that writing it down will help to get things out of my head, and I think it is. Thank you everyone, i really appreciate your replies. Yeah he feels bad and guilty that you're waiting, but if he were to leave he'd have to deal with feeling bad and guilty about that too. I do not envy you one bit being in this situation, so much for all the thrills and excitement, eh? It's easy to think of yourself as pathetic, etc. but as you know, when you're in it it's like being in treacle, and so hard to extracate yourself... as you say, the big question is how long is long enough. Sounds easy, but until you are ready it's the hardest thing in the world (and even then, it's difficult). I think keeping a diary is a great idea. If nothing else, you can look back in six months or a year () and see that you were thinking the same circular thoughts, reaching the same 'enough already!' moment, and giving it one last chance... It's one way of really seeing that it's going nowhere fast. All those months of misery and uncertainty documented can really be sobering.
OWoman Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Its been 2 years....and im still waiting for him to leave. How long is to long??? How do you know?? It's too long. Once you decide you want to be together - that is, you BOTH decide you want to be together, not one of you and the other agreeing to keep the peace but not really convinced of it - you will be together... or you won't. If you really both want it, you will (both) make it happen. Unless circumstances are just so insurmountable that it's impossible, in which case you won't be together (unless, possibly, something dramatic happens - usually though only once it's too late...). Either he doesn't want it as much as you do, or he's a victim of "insurmountable circumstances". In which case, unless you have a hitman that can't be traced to you, you'd do well to admit he's never going to change his circumstances and move on.
jaffas Posted November 28, 2008 Posted November 28, 2008 the day you wake up feeling miserable because of the situation means you've been waiting too long. no one but you can know when it's time to remove yourself from the situation.
Author waiting Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Bought a house, and a new car. With her. Cant take this anymore. Really cant.
Author waiting Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 Ive organised my ex to take the kids from Xmas eve. Ive written letters to them, its taken me so long. So to answer my own question. 2 years is to long.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Ive organised my ex to take the kids from Xmas eve. Ive written letters to them, its taken me so long. So to answer my own question. 2 years is to long. I don't understand. What exactly do you mean??? You've written letters to your kids???? About what??? You won't be seeing them at all on Christmas??? Please explain, I'm confused..... I hope.
Author waiting Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 No, i wont be seeing them at christmas, nothing new there. I give in, everytime. Ive written letters to say goodbye. To try and explain how much i love them. I just hope one day they actually get them. But god damn it - i am going to make the most of the next 15 days.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 So are you saying you want to end your life?? Do you have a plan??? Have you spoken to anyone else about this??
Author waiting Posted December 11, 2008 Author Posted December 11, 2008 No. Im saying I am going to. i cant take this pain anymore. And no, here is the only place i have talked about it. But that makes no difference. I have made my decision. But thanks.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 So... let me see if I've got this straight. You are deeply hurt because the MM you have been seeing has been telling you one thing and his actions point toward another? Looking at your thread since Nov. It seems the turning point was him buying a house and a car with his W? Have I got that right???
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