rainflower Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years and we are very happy together however he still has contact with his ex girlfriend (of some 16 months). When I first met Chris, I was aware of her however he had trouble breaking his contact because he felt guilty (for his own reasons). I have been extremely understanding (sometimes stupidly so) about his feelings but find that she has been manipulative, conniving and sometimes downright indecent towards me. For the first few months she continued to call and ask him to fix this and that for her around her flat, and whenever he went around (without me) he was not allowed to mention my name. I was referred to as "his friend" tho we were actually living together. this went on right up to about 6 months ago when she finally met another man. All my offers of friendship towards her were rejected. she didn't want to meet me until she felt she was ready. Now..... after all this time and after we have just moved into our own home together, she wants to visit and therefore has to meet me - she says she's ready. I feel she is still trying to control the situation and whilst i want to be charitable i don't want anything to do with her. If i don't allow her to visit i fear their clandistine meetings will continue (oh yes, there have been a few of them even tho he knows how much of a betrayal it was to me). I'd like some advice on how to deal psycologically with this situation both from my dealings with her and my ongoing relationship with my partner who I do love dearly. As a postscript i should add that she has broken up with her partner and is single again ... and i believe that is a major part of her interest in us/him.
LittleDove Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Tricky...this is where id blow up, put my foot down and say NO! (but then from experience, men will just go behind your back anyway) Its not right, and if hes commited to YOU he will leave the past where it belongs. If they had kids together..okay, but this is a needy x, and you dont need her in your life at all. If he claims he does need her in his life, id be re-thinking things. You are his girl, and you deserve and should always feel like number 1. This girl needs to go away, and he needs to let go. They both need to let go. She sounds like a nightmare, and if hes still taking her calls, ask yourself WHY?? dont get further into it, if theres a chance he could go be with her. I think you are being walked all over. Stand up for yourself. I dont doubt theres been more than just a 'visit' going on. Hes learned he can get away with it. Stop putting up with it. Just WHO is the 'other woman' here...hes a jellyfish, she tells him what to say?? Stand back, detach, and take another look at the situation. It SUCKS. goodluck
Curmudgeon Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Please correct me if I'm wrong but he's not married to you, nor was he married to her. Why all the drama? If he permits it then perhaps you would be well served to find someone who isn't still so emotionally linked to and reliant upon the approval of their supposed "ex." Quite frankly it sounds as if he's missing some rather important body parts.
Author rainflower Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 might be a good idea for him to read the response i've had so far as he says i'm the one with the hang ups - they're just friends i'm being insecure etc etc. this woman is toxic and has no friends except for her therapist who she pays. he's very naieve and thinks that she actually likes him and needs him. he gave a commitment to help her finish her renovating her flat and because he met me and didnt complete it she still hangs it on him. yes sounds like hes missing body parts but he sure finds them when we argue about this subject. honestly we dont argue about a single other thing but when he even mentions her name i feel my blood boil and my temperature rising but remain very controlled. ive lost my temper in the past but its me that suffers in the end coz he closes down and tells me to go away till i get over it. and i could explode when that happens coz theres no closure for me and it just rolls over to the next time. i think i will meet her coz i will be real to her then and i will tell her what i think if it comes to it regardless of what happens after that. perhaps will suggest we meet somewhere other than our home coz i think is pure curiosity and not a genuine interest in him or me. i dont hatepeople but im pretty close to this and yes, i know that hes more than 50% to blame for whats going on and how i feel, im not dumb.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 but find that she has been manipulative, conniving and sometimes downright indecent towards me. I can't help but feel that your anger and frustration is with the wrong person. If your BF didn't encourage and allow the contact with her and her input on your relationship, her comments would echo in silence and you wouldn't be subjected to any of this. I'd give him a choice - her or me... Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 It's almost like he gets off on this, in that women are fighting over him, so he keeps her around and she feeds on it too. A strange dynamic. I think you're both missing some body parts. Him for not walking away from his ex and you for not keeping to your boundaries. If his behaviour isn't acceptable, why are you still with him? If there are no consequences to his behaviour, why would he amend his behaviour?
Author rainflower Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Everything you've said is right. i do need to deal with this but have fear of loosing him. theres lots of background to this both on my side and his. we're both victims of abuse in the past and we have a lot of our failings in common. the only difference (and its a major one) is that i have managed to break free and walk away from my abusers and closed the door on the past. he hasn't. something happend to him as a child and to this day he still cares for and sees that person who was a knowing adult at the time and took advantage of his innocence. i have to cut him slack for that and perhaps that accounts for why he still has contact with this x (and no other) because i do know their relationship was verbally abusive - she constantly berated him. i'm no psycologist but i do see a pattern in his behaviour. excuses aside, i should takle this head on. thanks for your input its helped crystalise things for me.
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