Author Isolde Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 The worlds run amok. We have a breakdown in communication even though we are communicating worldwide. Everyone is distracted. People are busy chatting with the people that they know so they don't meet anybody new and if they do they won't be getting their full attention. You go online and score a date but if it doesn't work that's cool. You can view how very many more local singles are available. Right there. With the click of the button. So if it doesn't pan out with the one you're seeing this weekend no worries. They were only choice #4 anyway. Yes I agree...diluted. It's so far off of where it once was that it's become impersonal. Convenient. And at the same time so very inconvenient. You get it. Obviously, I don't want to play a damsel in distress or tragic heroine, and I do want to feel I have options. But seriously, things have gone too far in the direction of "it doesn't really matter." You know?
SushiX Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 You go online and score a date but if it doesn't work that's cool. You can view how very many more local singles are available. Right there. With the click of the button. So if it doesn't pan out with the one you're seeing this weekend no worries. They were only choice #4 anyway. Yes I agree...diluted. It's so far off of where it once was that it's become impersonal. Convenient. And at the same time so very inconvenient. Oh god, I wish it was this easy for online men. A click of a button and we've got a date? Yeah Right! This only works for women. I'll probably email 20 women and get 2 replies (if i'm lucky) Maybe I should pose as a lesbian women and see how many dates I get. Probably much more then a straight male. Seems like all women are either bi or lesbians now. What's up with that?
Author Isolde Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Oh god, I wish it was this easy for online men. A click of a button and we've got a date? Yeah Right! This only works for women. I'll probably email 20 women and get 2 replies (if i'm lucky) Maybe I should pose as a lesbian women and see how many dates I get. Probably much more then a straight male. Now that's sad! Things ARE easier for women, but only up to a certain point. After a first date, things are equally hard for women as they are for you.
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Yup, this one is a judgement call. Obviously it does not have to feel like "work" (in a bad way), and it's unfair to string along someone you aren't that into. I agree with this. In the beginning you only give a little to get a little. Once it's solid then you should give more. but i don't think i need to have a massive hardon and be smitten by a personality in order to have a fantastic relationhsip. But you have to admit it is better with the X factor. i see perfectly sweet and attractive girls every day that could easily be great relationship material if we turn out to be compatible - which in my mind is the harder part. I agree. That is the hard part. also, you can gradually become attracted to someone over a number of dates (and to dismiss this as inferior to the 'instant attraction' seems dumb to me) (even if you're in a relationship with the hottest woman/man on the planet, eventually you will get used to them, and will not find them as attractive, so you will need to work on this anyway; this goes both for physical and character traits) Okay not quite sure what you are saying here because how can you become more attracted to someone and less attracted to someone over time? If it is true attraction I think it will only grow.
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 But seriously, things have gone too far in the direction of "it doesn't really matter." You know? Yeah I agree some meaning has been lost along the way.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 The worlds run amok. We have a breakdown in communication even though we are communicating worldwide. Everyone is distracted. People are busy chatting with the people that they know so they don't meet anybody new and if they do they won't be getting their full attention. You go online and score a date but if it doesn't work that's cool. You can view how very many more local singles are available. Right there. With the click of the button. So if it doesn't pan out with the one you're seeing this weekend no worries. They were only choice #4 anyway. Yes I agree...diluted. It's so far off of where it once was that it's become impersonal. Convenient. And at the same time so very inconvenient. If that's your experience of the current world maybe it's time to log off. You can still go to a sports club, an evening class, a hobby group and meet people, lots of people. You can go travelling and make a hundred new friends along the way, each one of which, you can keep in touch with easily and visit using the many low cost travel options you have. I don't believe this idealism about the past being glorious. The world is not, and has never been a perfectly romantic place.
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 If that's your experience of the current world maybe it's time to log off. You can still go to a sports club, an evening class, a hobby group and meet people, lots of people. You can go travelling and make a hundred new friends along the way, each one of which, you can keep in touch with easily and visit using the many low cost travel options you have. I don't believe this idealism about the past being glorious. The world is not, and has never been a perfectly romantic place. I think when all those people are looking for love online they are not going out into the real world to find it. So count all those people out for a good majority of the time. The problem with online dating is most times it's a disappointment. People are misled about the profiles they are meeting. I don't speak of this firsthand, I've never online dated, but from what I have read on these forums. I have recently noticed someone asking if they are too good to be online dating, whatever that means. But it seems they are on date after date after date. Some luck out. Many do not. I am an idealist romantic I guess. I believe it's better to meet someone and be drawn to someone in real life. I believe it is better to hold a conversation on the phone rather than to text or email them. It is one-sided conversation to me and very impersonal. I'd rather be personal with the romantic interest in my life, give him my full attention while he gives me his, and know that we sparked each others interest from the moment we met. In person.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I am an idealist romantic I guess. I believe it's better to meet someone and be drawn to someone in real life. I believe it is better to hold a conversation on the phone rather than to text or email them. It is one-sided conversation to me and very impersonal. I'd rather be personal with the romantic interest in my life, give him my full attention while he gives me his, and know that we sparked each others interest from the moment we met. In person. But you represent the majority of people. The online crowd here may be vocal, but it's only a small subset of the population.
movingonandon Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 The worlds run amok. We have a breakdown in communication even though we are communicating worldwide. Everyone is distracted. People are busy chatting with the people that they know so they don't meet anybody new and if they do they won't be getting their full attention. You go online and score a date but if it doesn't work that's cool. You can view how very many more local singles are available. Right there. With the click of the button. So if it doesn't pan out with the one you're seeing this weekend no worries. They were only choice #4 anyway. Yes I agree...diluted. It's so far off of where it once was that it's become impersonal. Convenient. And at the same time so very inconvenient. This post seems to be getting less credit than it deserves. The ease of meeting people, indlucing online, has *certainly* contributed to 'diluting' the romance. Why? Because each encounter is easy and that's why you don't have particularly high expectations to begin with - it "doesn't really matter"... If there's no 'magic, i'll meed another 100 of people... If you think of the social circumstances in the period pieces (including the 1950s), that depict the "real deal romance", recal how much more structured social interactions (especially men-women interactions) were, and how much more limited opportunities were. In fact, i bet that if you did a content-analysis of works it would be possible to show that the harder and more complicated the encounters, the more intensive the romantic feelings ("Romeo & Juliet" vs. "Notorious" anyone?). Basically, if it is only likely that you will meet 5-10 guys or girls (in a socially acceptable way) in the 5 or so years that were socially acceptable to be unmarried, the stronger the chance that you will make a huge deal out of every such encounter and the harder you will fall for any such person. Also, the less freedom you have in such interactions, also the more intensive feelings you will have (obsessing over a glimps over some girl's ankle? Doesn't happen much these days given how many girls are practically naked ) So my theory that romance involves a lot of work is confirmed once again . The only difference is that it can be imposed on you by the circumstances (in the past), or can be a choice you make (nowadays). Conversely, if you can people any way you want, you put a lot less value and effort in each individual encounter, therefore diminshing the likelihood of such intensive feelings occuring... I'm not saying that the contemporary situation is "better", but i'm suggesting that this is part of the explanation of the diluted feelings. I'd advocate some sort of balance. The almost business approach to dating i see is a turn off. Many of the dating rituals and conventions are a distraction AND a self-fulfiling prophecy. (x many dates for a kiss, X many dates for having sex, X many months before saying I love you. I think that all this crap is ****in ridiculous. But I play along or alse stay date-less)
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Romance comes from the heart and soul. Regardless of the myriad of reasons why it's not happening for/to specific individuals, it's out there. There are men who still believe in it but it's few and far between. I suspect that during the romanticized "golden ages", it was no different. Don't be fooled by the old movies or whatever romance books you're reading. Happily ever after has much to do with compatibility and how much work you're both willing to put into the relationship. What's your tolerance level for crap?
amaysngrace Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 The almost business approach to dating i see is a turn off. But isn't online dating a business in itself? I mean those things aren't free, are they? I don't think I'd want to be a part of anything that makes falling in love a business. It's shady. It reminds me of all those diets that use to be popular. I guess there is lots of money to be made in loneliness too. Of course if you really think about it, who is planting the seed that it's better to be in a relationship in the first place? I think it stigmatizes anyone who's not. It makes them feel bad almost to the point of desperation. And they are many of the ones who online date. It's shrewd. You have to give them that.
prettybaby Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I think that practicing *1 to a certain extend (without necessarily being a slut or a man wh*re) can help you identify *2 with more certainty, as well as deal with them in a much more appropriate fashion.
flc Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Well unless you subscribe to love at first sight romance starts after you meet someone so online vs offline should not affect that. Romance to me is spending your time thinking about ways to make the person you have a connection with life more special. It means attention to detail, listening and doing those little things that show you care. If both parties do this then romance flourishes. Now in today's world of BB and immediate response how much time do people get to think about ways to make their partner special? I think less than before, it can still be done but it requires more effort now than in the past.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I think the experience of romance is largely self-defined. That is to say: I've had a lot of romance and passion in my relationships because it's what I want and it's what I go after. A relationship with no passion is completely unappealing to me, and I won't stick with it long. Emotionally, I'm an open book, so any guy dating me is going to know what I respond to emotionally. I make sure to do unusual, out-of-the-ordinary things with my guy for fun, as often as possible, and novel activities certainly cultivate romance and passion. I'm also very sexually free-spirited, so I'm always going to create romance and passion through sex with my partner. It has never failed -- every guy I've been with seriously has told me I'm the love of his life and talked marriage, and I am figuring out that my sexual drive and performance certainly play a substantial role in this. I have dated guys who had no personal spark, and it wasn't long before I moved on. But if you get two people with sparks together, and throw in attraction and shared interests, then romance and passion should result.
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