Dysfunctions galore... (mine too)

[fishtaco]

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. She called yesterday and I answered. Broke up with her again while on the phone. But she managed to convince me to talk to her one more time in person. We live 120 miles apart. She was going to come to my place to talk to me. But I don't trust her driving back in her emotional state, so I offered to drive to her house instead. Other than the issue I'll mention later, she's been a great girlfriend. She's worth this drive + more. So I did. And I broke up with her again while I was talking to her at her house. Felt like my heart was ripped right out. You know the feeling, we've all been there. The fact that I'm doing the breaking up makes it even more difficult -- I have to stay to my course.

 

Her dysfunction is that she was cheated on by her ex, so she has trust & self image issues. I'm a very social guy, have a lot of female friends, I'm well liked, and I go out a lot. So I was basically watched like I was a cheater. Although I'll give her credit, she really tried to not be that way. But it always comes out a few days after whatever triggered it, and this happens on a weekly basis. This is why I decided to break up with her. 1) I don't want to pay the price for what her ex did to her, not to mention being treated like I'm a cheater doesn't feel very good. 2) I believe a good relationship should add to your life, not take away from it. The only solution I see is to stop being social, especially keeping a distance with my female friends in order not to awaken the jealousy demon.

 

She did make promises to make changes after I broke up with her. Going to church therapy group and such. I appreciate that, but it was too late. Plus how many times have we seen a person promising to change, only the change either never happens or is only temporary? Additionally, it would be unfair of me to ask her to change while I change nothing myself. We are just incompatible.

 

Then my dysfunction. I have issues with leaving that came from my childhood. Instead of not wanting to leave, I would make a hard decision and leave, sometimes prematurely, just to get it over with.

 

I also have issues with getting beat up during the course of my dating experience. So I'm always watching for warning signs. If it reaches my meager threshold, I bail. The problem with warning signs is that they are just that. It means maybe something is bad, maybe not. So sometimes I can say I was smart. I can look at my friends that got stuck in a dead relationship for 3 more years before ending it and say, hey, I didn't have 3 years of misery. But sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice and I choked out a potentially wonderful relationship.

 

I have the tools to protect myself, even if they're powered by dysfunction. But my usage of them may be incorrect...

 

Anyway I feel like sh*t.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think what you're feeling, though quite painful for you, is very amicable. I think both my ex and I were unsure for a long time were caught wondering "do we want to be in a dead end relationship for a long time" and "should I work on this because it could be the best romance of my life". Neither of us broke up, we both held on, and it wasn't until my ex found a new woman that we split.

 

From my own experience I can see the pro's and con's of breaking up. Do I believe my ex and I could have had a happy and successful relationship? Yes. But for another year him and I would have had to deal with long distance. Thats a pretty big hurdle to climb over, and dating a new girl he found interesting was easier for him. Was breaking up such a bad thing? Well it hurts that he replaced me, but at least I finally have a chance to see whats out there rather than stressing over how to make my relationship work day after day.

 

Heres why I say your situation is amicable and quite honestly, why I think you are making a good choice:

You broke up before the relationship got really bad. Yeah, the girl you dumped may just be the girl you are supposed to be with. That is entirely possible. But as it stood, things were obviously not going well for the both of you, and you needed to end things so that both of you could do some soul searching. Maybe as time passes you will realize she was the right one, and because you broke up with her before things got really rotten, there are no feelings of resentment between the two of you, so getting back together after both of you heal COULD be and option. If you find out she wasn't the one? Well then its good you broke up!

 

If you had held on longer without both of you growing, who knows what could have happened. Its quite possible your relationship would have deteriorated to the point that mine and my ex's did - which lead to an incredibly painful and prolonged breakup for the both of us, and a very painful healing process for me. Its not easy being left for another woman. He wanted to break because he wanted to try other things out there, but he did not want to rule out the fact that he could come back someday, because he knew what we had was workable (note the word WORK.. ick!). That has put me in a terrible position. I need to grow up and heal, but my ex left with the possibility of returning after exploring greener pastures - if he decides in the future to come back... well he HURT me. I'm still hurting! I honestly do not think after being treated as I was that I could take him back.

 

Though your decision to break up was is a difficult one, you were mature and got out before causing long term hurt as my ex did. You made a tough choice, but one that is fair to your ex and to yourself.

 

Blah! This is long so I'll stop now.

[Trialbyfire]

fishtaco, both your insecurities feed each other negatively. You're watchful and wary, she can sense that you could bail at any time, whether it's accurate or not. When it feels like you're pulling away, she'll hold on tighter.

 

It's probably best the two of you aren't together.

 

She has to address her own insecurities, whether she addresses the insecurities themselves or finds someone who won't negatively feed them.

 

I will ask you one question. Why do you need so many female friends? What are you getting from female friends that you're not getting from male friends? Is there an ego-stroking issue going on here? Are these friends backburner girls to branch off to, if things don't work out?

 

Also, take a look at the girls you've had relationships with. Were many of them the jealous, possessive type? If so, why are you drawn to these types?

 

Anyways, throwing some thoughts/questions your way, to contemplate, not necessarily to respond to.

[fishtaco]

Thanks tokyo, your post made me feel better.

 

Trial - I have guy friends too. I have a lot of friends. That's because I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I've pulled away from them. Instead, I make friends, and I make close, hopefully life long friends.

 

But which group of friends I hang out with depends on my hobbies. I try to keep in contact with all of them, so sometimes I'm sort of like a social butterfly. Once in a while I'll jump away from the group of friends that I see all the time due to my hobbies and activities, in order to keep in touch with my other friends that I haven't been seeing as often.

 

I was really into hockey before, at one point I played 4, 5 nights a week. Back then I hung out with my guy friends because it was a guy hobby. I've quit playing hockey (but I keep in touch, we go watch NHL games from time to time), and I've been drawn into the world of salsa/Latin dancing. I know plenty of guys in the local salsa scene, but I don't dance with them; I dance with girls. When I go to a place I frequent, I would walk in and shake hands with the guys and hug the girls, because I just know people, a lot of them. But ultimately when the dancing starts, obviously I dance with the girls. Salsa people are also more friendly. I get hugs and kisses on the cheek from even just acquaintances. It probably has partially to do with Latin culture as well.

 

But it's just a fun activity like hockey, except it involves women directly. I've made a ton of female friends from salsa, probably because I'm not a creep. I just go dance for fun, I'm not trying to grab their boobs or rub their butts, and I've been told I'm fun to dance with. My ex girlfriend is also a salsa dancer, that's why I thought she would understand. But apparently no. I'm also on another forum about salsa dancing and this topic pops up from time to time. Some people (men and women) understand salsa is just that, a hobby, while some people think it's somehow connected to womanizing. Non-dancers seems to go with the "womanizing" perspective. But some dancers, like my ex girlfriend, thinks that way too.

 

FYI, salsa dancing is not a "single person's activity" like going to hip hop clubs or something. If you talk to salseros, a lot of them will describe it as an "addiction". People will go out and dance pass midnight on weekdays three times a week, when they have to get up and work the next day. That's not including the weekends either.

 

As far as ex's go, she is the only one I've had this issue with.

 

Male and female friends give you different support. So far, guy friends took me out drinking, played pool, tried to help me score with chicks at the bar, but I wasn't ready so I ended up being the wingman instead. Female friends talked to me, tried to make me feel better, sort of like what Tokyo did with her post. I just had another female friend text me a couple of hours ago asking me how I was feeling.

 

I don't try to make friends based on gender. I become friends with whoever I let along with. And a lot of the times that's activity based. For example I met a UFC fighter from hanging out at his brother's kickboxing gym. I just do stuff, and friends come with doing stuff, maybe they're male, maybe they're female.

 

Sorry for the long post. I feel like I was explaining this to my ex girlfriend although she'll never read this. Why I have so many female friends was obviously one of the tensions of our relationship.

 

I know it's better we're not together. I hope I'm not in the wrong, I certainly don't think my ex girlfriend is in the wrong. She has a right to be however she wants to be. We're just not compatible. That's also why no matter how much it hurts, I've have to stick with my decision to break it off with her.

[Trialbyfire]

The reason you feel like you're explaining yourself to your g/f is because I deliberately stepped into her shoes.

 

I'm also a territorial female, although my reaction is the polar opposite to hers. I withdraw and want to/have bailed before.

 

If you found another social butterfly like you, would you be happy with this personality type?

[fishtaco]

The reason you feel like you're explaining yourself to your g/f is because I deliberately stepped into her shoes.

 

I'm also a territorial female, although my reaction is the polar opposite to hers. I withdraw and want to/have bailed before.

 

If you found another social butterfly like you, would you be happy with this personality type?

 

I think another social butterfly would be more balanced. But I'd be fine with whatever her social habits are as long as 1) we have enough quality time together 2) she doesn't step on mine, and I promise I won't step on hers either.

 

I've already toned down a lot with my ex girlfriend. I was down to one night a week, and I made sure to include at least one guy in the group that I go out with. But ultimately that wasn't good enough for her. So it's not like I'm not flexible. I'm willing to back off... to a certain point.

[Trialbyfire]

She sounds highly possessive, overly so. Does she have abandonment issues, in that she has to almost consume you as an individual, for control reasons? Has she ever made issue with your male friends?

 

Okay, let's switch to being your ex again. Are you flirtatious with your female friends? There's a line between being flirtatious and being friendly, even with the opposite gender. It's the type of comments you make and your body language.

[fishtaco]

Yes, I told her I felt like she's not looking for a boyfriend, she's looking for a pet. She wants to own me. She wants me to curl up and lay in a doggie bed at her house when she's not with me.

 

So far she hasn't had issues with my male friends. Only female friends, and especially when I go out on my own.

 

It's a very fine line between friendly and flirtatious. I would think I'm just friendly. But I don't know how an outside person views me. I know for sure when she's with me I tone down even the friendly-ness, and I give her 90% of my attention in group settings.

 

For example we went on vacation with a group of 8 people, mostly my friends. There were two single girl that I barely knew. They were friend's friends. After you go on vacation together the friendship grows pretty fast. I mean you're having a good time and seeing each other everyday. One girl was pretty young and pretty cute, and skinny. We were at some river hanging out, with her in bikini of course. As I was about to enter the water, she already climbed on top of this tiny 8-foot waterfall, and yelled, hey Fishtaco! Come here check it out. Normally I would have gone, but I told her I'll be there in a minute and went to hang with my girlfriend instead. I felt I was being rude, but I also know since I'm just entering the water, I should go give my girlfriend a dose of attention first... show that she's #1, then after that I could interact with the other people, especially a skinny single one that looks good in a bikini.

 

So I know the issues and I try to show her she's my priority. When she's not around I'm back to my normal self. I don't think I'm flirtatious, but I'm certainly friendly. But even if I were a whore, she's not there witness it so I don't think that would have mattered.

 

I do make a lot of dirty jokes... I don't know if that makes me flirtatious... But I promise they are funny, and they are jokes, I don't just make a lame sexual comment and claim it was a dirty joke.

[Trialbyfire]

Straight up fishtaco, I see more and more incompatibilities. It doesn't make her or you a bad person, just two people with different views on life.

 

I will suggest something for the future. It might be worthwhile to seriously consider all these incompatibilities that you're seeing now and taking a little more time with your next relationship, getting to know the woman a bit better, before entiring a relationship. Sure, it's easy for me to say and difficult to do, when the hormones are raging but in the long run, it will pay off. Less pain, more gain.

[fishtaco]

You are right Trial. When we first met, I dated her casually for 4 months before we became exclusive. And I'm an honest guy, I laid everything out on the table. She's an honest gal, she told me her jealousy tendencies. But our chemistry was so good that we ignored the obvious and went for it anyway. Now we pay the price....

 

But like you said, when that chemistry is kicking in, it's hard to make intelligent decisions...

 

Anyway, thank you & toyko for your posts.