Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I'm surprised a therapist would consider flirting with other women to be the best way to help a married person become more secure. Did this therpaist consider helping you learn how to flirt with your wife? Now that idea seems better than trying it out on other women. Plus there are so many other helpful ways to learn how to become secure and feel attractive. IC is about working on self only, v. any concern about your relationships. This falls into line with what I mentioned, that flirting is for the benefit of the person flirting and not for the sake of the marriage.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 If his relationship was at a point with his wife then flirting with her might have lead to dissapointment and rejection. That might be why she suggested he flirt with other woman.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 My H went to an IC and it helped us out greatly...
NoIDidn't Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 You haven't run yet. I think my charms are even attracting women online. The question is...what are those boundaries? Telling a person that they are attractive is different from telling a person that you are attracted to them. Personalizing attraction almost implies its sexual. Telling a person that they have beautiful eyes is different from telling a person that you think that they have beautiful eyes. Compliments are different from "lines". My flirting is friendly, ice-breaking. Nothing sexual about it - unless my H isn't around. I won't lie and say that I have never flirted with someone in a way that my H would have flipped about. And he's not so deluded to think that I would never do that either. But they are not coming home with me and I am not going home with them. The hotel. That's the boundary. LOL. If I make it to a hotel to meet another man (other than for a performance - I am a performer), then I have crossed quite a few boundaries. Seriously, though. I have put my hand on a man's hand to emphasize that I would really appreciate him bending over backwards to accommodate me. That's definitely flirting - and it makes them feel flattered - and it gets me what I want. We both know I am using flirting as a means to an end. Now if I want the man's sexual interest, I certainly know how to initiate that too...... But usually, its just friendly. It gets me that 40% discount or the item that's on the highest shelf - and with a smile. Either that or it could be that some men just like having an attractive woman do more than be the proverbial b!tch.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I used to think my wife was flirtatious until I saw that she treated both men and women the same way. One aspect of this is that the same conduct, when it crosses gender lines, takes on a different meaning. If it's male-to-male or female-to-female, it's charisma, leadership or warmth and interest in people. If it's male-to-female, it can easily be misinterpreted as sexual interest... Mr. Lucky
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Humm.. I'm not sure the young girl handing you the money and looking straight to your eyes wasn't 'sexual'.. she probably took it as a 'sexual' flirt.. Flirts when they are 'reciproque' are great booster.. especially when the person flirting with you is your style and attractive.. But this is a very dangerous zone.. if you feel good when you flirt and you get flirts back.. this could get addictive.. and then you'll meet someone who will not only flirt but will want more.. I agree. What if one person flirts, the other flirts back, and both are good at it. I guarantee they would both be thinking "hmm I wonder what if...". The first seeds of temptation are sown. I don't want a girlfriend or wife who flirts with guys.
oasis Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Oh James, that was you flirting with me! Darn, if I had known, I would have given you a shout out! :lmao: Anyway, I will be working the same shift tomorrow. So see ya!
2sure Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Why does he need all that additional attention to make himself whole and happy? I think my H requires all of this extra attention and validation because he is at heart insecure. He was this way I found him at 39 , so I dont know why. Before we met, he was a serial dater , bouncing from one relationship to the next. Never meeting anyone who fulfilled him , I guess. He and I both thought this was behind him which is why he asked me to marry him. Well, it wasnt. When he cheated on me it was a ONS, then with various women really stupid text conversations. I believe him still when he said he found neither satisfying. I cannot fulfill my H's insecurity or need for extra validation. I know this. This is his flaw. Ive got some too. I do believe his infidelity made him realize that Receiving the extra validation through texts, sexual flirting, or even sex also did not fulfill him.And had consequences to the opposite. I honestly think the whole infidelity experience and the conversations and admissions that ensued...made him take a long look at himself and make changes.
Lovelybird Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I think you make other human being feel important is one thing, and romantically flirting even sexually flirting is another. I think the later will backfire. If you give your wife the hint, well, I am attractive in other women's eyes, but I am faithful to you, only you that I want. Then probably this would bring good result. Why does a woman love a man more because he is flirting with other women? I think probably this has some suspition of manipulation, and manipulation always backfire. Yesterday I heard some pastors talk about good sexual relationship, good marriage relationship. That old man said one thing amazing: woman is responder. respond to her husband's love. If a husband loves or communicate his love to his wife effectively, then she would respond back to him. I think this is so true. think about that man is responder as well, maybe? Anyway, They wrote a book: the language of sex. Think about story of Adam and Eve, they were cursed after sin. So they built up walls around themselves, no effective communication like before, no real spiritual connection like before, the only good way to overcome this is to reopen their spiritual eyes, and pull down walls. Isn't that deep intimacy that man and woman wants? physical intimacy do bring closeness, maybe heartly intimacy is the ultimate human wants? Did I go off topic?
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 That old man said one thing amazing: woman is responder. respond to her husband's love. If a husband loves or communicate his love to his wife effectively, then she would respond back to him. I think this is so true. think about that man is responder as well, maybe? This is so true for many women, myself included. We tend to respond v. initiate.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 To expand on that, if you consider the dating process, normal course business, men pursue women. We accept the pursuit of the man who we find attractive. The dating process happens, with the man continuing to initiate. If those signals are loud and clear from the man, we respond with clear signals. If those signals aren't loud and clear, we pull back or give mixed messages. Then the games begin or they began as such, since either or neither party was confused or uncertain. If the man continues pressing forward, we accept their proposal. Marriage happens and then men get tired of initiating or don't feel like they need to continue working as hard. Confusion ensues. Both parties withdraw. If the man gives signals to other women that he's available through flirtation. What signals does this give his spouse?
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