JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 This began from another thread. Is flirting with other people besides your wife or husband good for your marriage? What I am saying is that showing someone that they are considered attractive or even sexy through actions or words....does this build the confidence of the ones receiving it? Does it build the ones giving it? Is it good? I will relay my personal examples from the other thread... Now understand...the flirting that I am thinking of is not necessarily sexual flirting, but rather it is friendly flirting that says "You are special and noticed." This does not mean that it says, "Strip and get into bed with me." This is too far IMO. Yet it does go beyond simply friendly interactions. While I was at the store picking up dog food, I "tried my skills" on the clerks there. One was prettier than the other....both rather young. I was astonished that the kidding around and almost flirting did change their attitude towards me. I could tell it made them feel good. Yes, they did look at me differently. And it gave me that sense of "Hey maybe I am not dead after all." Today, I went through the McD's drive-thru and when she asked for the payment as I gave it to her, I looked at her eyes and thought, "She has pretty eyes." Funny thing is..as I drove up she said with a bored tone, "$2.85." Normally, I would hardly look at the person and with the same bored attitude give over the money. Today I thought maybe I should be different. So when she said the amount, I said, "Here it is," and instead of looking down as I handed her the money, I looked at her eyes as I was thinking how pretty they were. It was interesting because my expression must have said something to her. Her eyes kinda jumped to mine with a certain look, and it seemed that she liked what she saw. (I have no clue what she saw. ). Then she put my money in the register. She came back and handed me the change and the receipt, but this time instead of looking at the money, her eyes were looking at my eyes, and they stayed looking at them until the transaction was over. I never said another word, but I looked at her with that same interest which I felt (and I think that was the key). Her eyes said something, too. (Now if I remember how to translate those looks again. ). Anyhow, my point is...twice I know I made these women feel special. I am not saying that they were ready to jump into bed with me, nor did I want that. What I am saying is that these interactions made them feel special, and it gave me that confidence of knowing that I do have the "power" to do that. The question is....would these kind of interactions make me a better husband? Will they give me more confidence with my wife, or will I revert back to my normal self with her?
norajane Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Genuine flirts, people to whom flirting comes naturally, flirt with everybody - women, men, children, the elderly, the guy who sells you your newspaper at the kiosk, the barrista at Starbucks, the hotel clerk, taxi drivers, everybody. Yes, it makes everybody feel good, primarily because it's mostly friendly and not sexual. And it improves all of those normal interactions. You get what you give...treat people like they're special and they will return the favor. So yes, that's empowering to the flirt and a person that feels good and empowered will likely have better interactions with his wife, family and friends, too. The question is....would these kind of interactions make me a better husband? It only makes you a better HUSBAND if you flirt with your wife and make HER feel special.
2sure Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The question is....would these kind of interactions make me a better husband? Will they give me more confidence with my wife, or will I revert back to my normal self with her? Very good food for thought. I can tell you, as I did in the other thread, that my husband flirts. He likes women and they like him. And he does it to everybody, young & old, pretty & not. It works for him and usually we both reap benefits of this socially. He is genuine for the most part, and kind, knows people like compliments and gives them sincerely. But the real reason he compliments and flirts is because he requires the attention. I say requires because it seems that way to me. For all of his confidence (and good looks I think) he is insecure. He has a private image of his body & himself that is not a good reflection of reality. He is insecure. Big time. As sensitive to rejection as he is to acceptance. To answer your question: When he comes home and I relates a compliment he received to me, especially by a woman regarding his looks, he GLOWS. He is happy. He shares it with me, not in a bad way but a good way. I like the confidence it gives him. In fact I could go so far as to say that the attention he generates from other women , to a degree, actually gives me confidence right back...in that it validates my choice.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It only makes you a better HUSBAND if you flirt with your wife and make HER feel special. I completely agree with this.
NoIDidn't Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I am a natural born flirt. But I have very strong boundaries in this area. My H even asks me to "work my magic" when he wants something a particular way. I have to run for now, but will give more specific examples later. I don't think flirting - general flirting - will hurt a relationship. Gotta know where those boundaries are and when to reinforce them. Some people do attempt to take things too far and the boundaries help keep everyone in line.
2sunny Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Is flirting with other people besides your wife or husband good for your marriage? What I am saying is that showing someone that they are considered attractive or even sexy through actions or words....does this build the confidence of the ones receiving it? Does it build the ones giving it? Is it good? Yes, it can be good for your marriage and the world in general can benefit from this by simply living through the day with kindness and appreciation for the human spirit. As long as you know and live by decent boundaries it's all good. The question is....would these kind of interactions make me a better husband? Will they give me more confidence with my wife, or will I revert back to my normal self with her? The answer is yes... as long as you follow my previous answer to your first question (my answers are in bold text). Your wife can benefit from you being a man who appreciates the good in people (and especially the good in her) and expresses that honestly.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Just last week we had a work event at a local college. I was carrying food to the event from the parking garage and toom more then I should. Along the way I saw a college guy looking at us and I called him over and asked if he wouldn't mind helping to carry some stuff. I told him in return we would let him grab a plate of food. He was very nice and took half of what I was carrying. Along the way we chated (the rest of the group was not involved in this) I don't know if we flirted, maybe we did. He told me he was there taking a test to apply for the masters program. I told him he was going to get some karma points for helping carry the stuff and asked him about his future career goals. Once we got to the location I told him he could grab some food and I left to get more stuff from my car with another co-worker. He ended up leaving as well. I saw him later walking the same way we were and trying to get my attention. I just wished him well on his test and kept on walking. I had called my H earlier that day to see if he would be able to help carry stuff, but he was 40 minutes late to the event. I told him how this guy helped. It was nice to know that I could get help like that if I needed it. But I also felt bad like I used the guy! I don't know how my H felt about it, he didn't really say much. A co-worker also came into work an hour early so he could help me run errands for this event...I think my H was more upset about that. Even though this guy and I work together on events like this... I have been feeling depressed lately and my H has been talking about a fellow female co-worker more then I should like so it was nice to get some attention. But at the same time it hasn't been good or bad for my marriage, just my self esteem.
Author JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I have been feeling depressed lately and my H has been talking about a fellow female co-worker more then I should like so it was nice to get some attention. But at the same time it hasn't been good or bad for my marriage, just my self esteem. But it did make you feel good that other men saw you as sexy and worth flirting with...didn't it? And this helped your self confidence especially since your husband hasn't been making you feel sexy and attractive? Now the question is...did this interaction and the retelling of it to your husband make him think differently of you? And can this then reignite a spark in the heart or mind of your husband to think of you again as sexy and attractive? That is what I am wondering....if I flirt with other women and I feel that they respond, will this then rub off on my interactions with my wife? Will I feel less inclined to "jump" for her and more inclined to realize that while I may love her, I don't NEED her validation of my attractiveness...because others see me that way as well? Do we after years of marriage begin to think we are no longer attractive to others of the opposite sex?
Author JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 The answer is yes... as long as you follow my previous answer to your first question (my answers are in bold text). Your wife can benefit from you being a man who appreciates the good in people (and especially the good in her) and expresses that honestly. But this thread carries that friendliness to others a bit farther. I am friendly with other people. Having worked with people most of my life, I do appreciate them as people and give them that respect. Can it benefit me to flirt with other women? Will this confidence make my wife see me as more attractive? And is it good to tell her of these scenarios? Or will that backfire?
Author JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I don't think flirting - general flirting - will hurt a relationship. Gotta know where those boundaries are and when to reinforce them. Some people do attempt to take things too far and the boundaries help keep everyone in line. You haven't run yet. I think my charms are even attracting women online. The question is...what are those boundaries?
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 But it did make you feel good that other men saw you as sexy and worth flirting with...didn't it? And this helped your self confidence especially since your husband hasn't been making you feel sexy and attractive? Now the question is...did this interaction and the retelling of it to your husband make him think differently of you? And can this then reignite a spark in the heart or mind of your husband to think of you again as sexy and attractive? That is what I am wondering....if I flirt with other women and I feel that they respond, will this then rub off on my interactions with my wife? Will I feel less inclined to "jump" for her and more inclined to realize that while I may love her, I don't NEED her validation of my attractiveness...because others see me that way as well? Do we after years of marriage begin to think we are no longer attractive to others of the opposite sex? It did help to make me feel sexy. I have always been a little insecure, I think that being with the same person since I was 15 has something to do with that. I have never sought attention from other men like other woman have when dating or looking to date. So I often wonder if other men find me attractive. I get attention from men, I am told I am georgeous, pretty, etc. To anwswer your last question, yes, every once a while in a marriage you need to hear it from someone other then your SO.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Another question is, do you tell your SO about flirting? I know I don't tell him everything. I mean I had married a guy I worked with (most likely in harmless flirting) tell me he would leave his wifes for me if I left my husband. I have had a male co-worker come to me and tell me I have the nicest butt he has ever seen. I have also been stalked by a guy when I worked at a mall...I had a guy in HS who I was hanging out with tell me I couldn't leave a room (furniture store, not someones house) we were in until I kissed him. Would I tell my H all of these things...probrably not...and I didn't tell him most of them. But I also handled this situations to my credit in my own way. I let them know their words or actions made me feel uncomfortable and ceased interations with them. My H would have been enraged if he knew all these things...well, in the past. Now he trusts me so he never gets jealous.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 For the person who's a flirt, there's a line in the sand between enjoying a little lighthearted fun and needing the attention. Also, how strong is that need? Is the need created by the lack of attention in your marriage? If so, have you addressed the issue with your spouse? If the need is created by what's lacking within, stop flirting and get some help. When marriages aren't happy, flirting will get you in deep kimchi, particularly people who can't sustain boundaries or have impulse control issues. You know that James, after being on LS so long. I can tell you one thing. Watching or hearing about an SO flirting, turns me off. Previous to D-day, I would have shrugged it off. Now, forget it, it just makes me withdraw.
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Humm.. I'm not sure the young girl handing you the money and looking straight to your eyes wasn't 'sexual'.. she probably took it as a 'sexual' flirt.. Flirts when they are 'reciproque' are great booster.. especially when the person flirting with you is your style and attractive.. But this is a very dangerous zone.. if you feel good when you flirt and you get flirts back.. this could get addictive.. and then you'll meet someone who will not only flirt but will want more..
2sure Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 But this is a very dangerous zone.. if you feel good when you flirt and you get flirts back.. this could get addictive.. and then you'll meet someone who will not only flirt but will want more.. Yes, see thats the problem. Opportinity always exists. Flirting amps it up.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Oh and one more thing. This isn't about making the marriage better, this is solely for the benefit of the person flirting unless you believe in jealousy games. Showing that you're someone in demand to your spouse, could get her competitive spirit going for awhile but as you've mentioned, it could easily backfire. When you act a certain way, it's an open license to your spouse to act in a similar fashion.
2sure Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 No. I think my marriage does benefit from my H's flirty nature. I know I make him happy, confident , hot and attractive but he enjoys the extra attention. It makes him happy, it makes him feel attractive, it makes him feel confident and he brings all that home to me. The flirting is not a problem unless you take it further or of course, your H begins to make an ass of himself.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Why does he need all that additional attention to make himself whole and happy?
Stockalone Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I have never been married, but I think this is dangerous. And depending on your SO's personality, it can cause havoc. For some people, flirting comes natural, it's a part of who they are. Some are even "flirty-friendly" when their SO is around, because they don't see the harm in it. After all, they never intend on taking the flirting further than some "harmless" banter. I can't deal a woman who is like that, the kind of jealousy games TBF mentioned have backfired for the women who wanted to play them with me. I am far too possessive/territorial. A very outgoing, flirty woman isn't a good match for me. To actively seek out that attention from someone who isn't your SO, can be very dangerous. As Lizzie said, it can be addictive. At some point, the attention that the flirting gives you, might actually not just be a welcome change of pace anymore, but something that is needed to recharge your confidence level, your ego.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I am mixed on this, but I do know one thing for sure. It's not always fair to expect your SO to make you feel good about yourself. We all get in slumps... I think expecting my SO to always be the one to pick me up would make you come across as needy. I don't think that makes for a happy relationship. There is a fine line though and you need to be very careful and honest with your SO. And not do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 redfathom, maybe you didn't intend it this way but what I picked up was that you look to someone else to pick you up, be it spouse or third party. How about finding ways to pick yourself up, whether its a hobby you enjoy or even if you're looking for third party help, a female friend?
nleeh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 How about being friendly, smile, say sometime nice about the person, engage conversation without the flirting factor. No matter how you wrap it, flirting has sexual overtones, while being friendly and attentive can make a person's day on both sides. Yesterday I stopped at a donut shop and the person waiting on me had a sour face and acted like the job was a real chore till I perked up my voice and smiled and asked a friendly question and started a conversaton and the person's whole attitude changed. It made both of us feel better but in a different way than flirting would have. There was no hidden message so neither of us had to think about what my attention meant other than what it openly was. nleeh
GoodOnPaper Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 The question is....would these kind of interactions make me a better husband? Will they give me more confidence with my wife, or will I revert back to my normal self with her? When I was in IC, my therapist really pushed for me to start flirting in situations like you describe. Once in a while, I actually summon up the courage to do it – although I’d call it more banter than flirting. I think some of the ideas behind this were: 1) to learn that flirting is often much more lighthearted than I tend to view it; 2) to see that I may not be as physically unattractive and socially inept as I perceive myself to be; 3) gain some social confidence in general. I don’t think the therapist necessarily intended for this to carry over into my interactions with my wife but instead it was to lift some emotional weight off my shoulders, enabling me to be more willing to find some positive things in my marriage.
redfathom Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Oh, I do. I think I'm great most of the time! But being human, sometimes I need reassurance... Personally I hate needy female friends. I have one now and it sometimes bugs. She will call me so I can tell her how pretty she is and how guys like to flirt with her...I was more annoyed because during this time there was a larger crisis going on that was more important then how pretty she is.
nleeh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 When I was in IC, my therapist really pushed for me to start flirting in situations like you describe. Once in a while, I actually summon up the courage to do it – although I’d call it more banter than flirting. I think some of the ideas behind this were: 1) to learn that flirting is often much more lighthearted than I tend to view it; 2) to see that I may not be as physically unattractive and socially inept as I perceive myself to be; 3) gain some social confidence in general. I don’t think the therapist necessarily intended for this to carry over into my interactions with my wife but instead it was to lift some emotional weight off my shoulders, enabling me to be more willing to find some positive things in my marriage. I'm surprised a therapist would consider flirting with other women to be the best way to help a married person become more secure. Did this therpaist consider helping you learn how to flirt with your wife? Now that idea seems better than trying it out on other women. Plus there are so many other helpful ways to learn how to become secure and feel attractive.
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