is he playing with me or have i just hurt him so much? Mens s too ...

[heavenlytomorrow]

I had a very loving and passionate A last year.

 

When my H found out we immediately stop seeing eachother. We missed each other like crazy. My husband chose not to tell his wife in the fear that my lover would be kicked out and pursue me.

 

My Om wouldn't leave me alone at first but my husband made me change my mobile number/ email etc so I had to cut him out. At this time and faced with losing my husband and family- I have 2 children under 13- I didn't contact om for a couple of months as I was too afraid of my H finding out.

 

I missed om so much and eventually found a way- second mobile- to cAll him, he was so pleased to heAr from me.

 

I contacted him every few weeks, sometimes not calling for over a month but he was always wanting to heaR from rEgardless. We never met up although he constantly asked me too, it was just the occasional chat. Sometimes I contacted him because I couldn't get him out of my head, sometimes just to see how he was as things were getting better with my H so he was just a friend who I missed, although my h knew nothing of these chats.

 

Anyway to try and cut a long story short he has been constantly saying we should be together and would I lea e my husband?

 

My mind has been in turmoil for almost a year over this- knowing I loved him but knowing I had to try in my marriage. I now now I was foolish, my marriAge didn't stand a chance whilst I had contact with OM but it's only now I realize that.

 

Be ause of this nothing really improved with my H , despite him trying Nd being willing to forgive me and whilst going through another bad patch I agreed to meet Om for the first time.

 

We met and what a disaster. He was so uneasy and cleary felt so guilty about his wife and was worried about my H finding out, regardless he still managed to make love to me- twice!!

 

The next day he told me it was all over, to leave him alone etc, he was really nasty. I felt so used and said why did he keep ok about meeting up if it was o we?

 

He said it was just to see me one last time. I feel so used and feel my life has been on hold, I havent to en my marriage a fair go and for what? Now he's got into my head Again and I'm besotted and going through hell.

 

He said he needs to repair his marriage. He called and apologised for being nasty on the phone, says he'lll loveme fore we and he would ok e to see me again but can't at the moment as he needs to try for his children, his wife means nothing etc. So what I want to know is.... Did I just mess him arou d too much and he finally had enough?

 

Did he see it as a challenge to get me to meet and then when I did just dump me?

Is he just not that into me anymore?

Is he apologizing so as not to pi**me off so I don't tell his wife?

Keeping me on the back burner in case the marriage doesn't work his end?

 

Help! I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks, I called him last but I won't call him again as I hate to chase him. Your opinions pleaSe.

[Geishawhelk]

This is extremely unfair to your husband.

Your OM has said he wishes to repair his R with his W.

Unless you go no contact, here, today, now, this mess will just get worse.

 

Get rid of your other 'phone, delete all details, and never contact him again.

Stop any possible contact from him.

 

You're treating your H very disrespectfully, focussing on your own happiness and contentment, and everyone else be damned.

I realise you have urges, but there are certain promises you made your husband when you married him, don't know if you recall those.

 

If you can't keep them, or can't be bothered to make the effort, get a divorce.

Nobody can promise you your lover will do the same.

In fact, I doubt he will.

But stop being so cruel and thoughtless towards your H.

[heavenlytomorrow]

thank you for your opinion but I wasn't asking for your opinion on how my relationship us with my husband. I was hoping to hear from more understanding and helpful OW. I doubt you are or have ever been the OW.

[GreenX]

Did I just mess him arou d too much and he finally had enough? Did he see it as a challenge to get me to meet and then when I did just dump me? Is he just not that into me anymore? Is he apologizing so as not to pi**me off so I don't tell his wife? Keeping me on the back burner in case the marriage doesn't work his end? Help! I haven't spoken to him in 3 weeks, I called him last but I won't call him again as I hate to chase him. Your opinions pleaSe.

Does it really matter? Stop for a minute and stop putting all the focus on the OM, what he is feeling.. what about your H?

 

Did you come clean with your H about these recent happenings? If you haven't then I'd suggest before wasting another second wondering why this and why that with the OM you should spill the beans with your H and see what he thinks.

[whichwayisup]

Just keep in mind, you tell his wife, then he'll turn around and tell your husband.

 

Though maybe that's what needs to happen so CHANGE can happen.

[2sure]

It sounds as thought he enjoys staying in touch with you and would like to once in awhile have sex with you with no strings attached. Many people enjoy that kind of friends with benefits relationship. He seems to be having trouble with it only because he does not want it to interfere with or affect his marriage.

 

On the other hand, you sound like you would like more from this. An emotional attachment , so that makes him feel threatened - like you or your husband could cause a problem with his wife.

 

Certainly, it is up to you to decide if you want to have an affair with both emotional and physical contact. But this guy is not looking for that from you. He has probably cooled a bit for exactly the reason he told you: He is afraid it will come back at him and he isnt willing to risk his marriage for the sex.

[jwi71]

You won't chase him but you get a second secret cell phone to call him? You keep contacting him from your post - not the other way around. Sorry, but from what I can tell you are basically throwing yourself at him. And then getting upset when he only wants you for sex. Well, get over it. He has made it perfectly clear by his words and actions you are nothing but, well, an object for his physical pleasure. Nothing more. Accept or don't. Your choice.

 

My opinion - you keep it up. Then you get busted. Again.

[heavenlytomorrow]

Thank you 2sure. That's great to get an opinion which doesn't judge me for being the OW. I appreciate your opinion, it's so hard when you can't talk to anyone about it, you get so wrapped up in it and can't see the wood for the trees.

[heavenlytomorrow]

You won't chase him but you get a second secret cell phone to call him? You keep contacting him from your post - not the other way around. Sorry, but from what I can tell you are basically throwing yourself at him. And then getting upset when he only wants you for sex. Well, get over it. He has made it perfectly clear by his words and actions you are nothing but, well, an object for his physical pleasure. Nothing more. Accept or don't. Your choice.

 

My opinion - you keep it up. Then you get busted. Again.

 

I think you Are getting the wrong end of the stick, I did get another phone but her called me as much as I called him and sometimes I didn't get back to him for a few weeks which is why I wonder if I have hurt him. He was devestated when he couldn't contact me Nd asked me to constantly leave my H. I have never felt used for sex by him any more than I used him, we both enjoyed it! It was only that last time I felt used as he changed directly after. I will not think he has not found this difficult. I have not thrown myself at him at all, our relationship has been a two way street. Sorry you are very wrong.

[Geishawhelk]

hevenly, what you have to see here is that as your feelings for your H are obviously non-existent, (or as good as) you might as well start divorce proceedings.

If you had any intention of repairing your marriage, trying to honour your husband's role in your life, or make a go of it for your childrens' sake, then this would be a lot harder to deal with.

As it is, what you are is the OW with an attachment.

In fairness, you should consider cutting your husband loose, in order to permit him to move on and find a new life.

Then deal with the fact that you are or have been a convenient shag for your OM, and that he's too into his marriage to ever give it up for you.

I really am not attempting to be harsh here, but that's the way it's come across, because i think that's the way it is.

 

You're right too. I never have been the OW.

But I will say this:

In my own personal and individual opinion, we humans were never intended to be monogamous. Very, very, very few mammals are.

We've made an exception, through social, cultural, moral, ethical and religious means. So Fidelity is a humanly-imposed state.

 

BUT:

If people choose to go through a ceremony or ritual and pledge allegiance to one other and no other - then they should keep their promise.

If they can't keep that promise, they have a choice.

To not make it at all, or to get out when the promise is broken.

You broke your promise to your husband, and it's a promise you seem intent to not repair.

And that's fine.

But do the right thing now, and make a clean break.

Your OM also made that promise to his W.

But he seems more keen on repairing that error.

 

So this is where you have to ask yourself:

Would your divorce be worth it, given that your OM clearly seems to have no intention of cementing his R. with you?

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you 2sure. That's great to get an opinion which doesn't judge me for being the OW. I appreciate your opinion, it's so hard when you can't talk to anyone about it, you get so wrapped up in it and can't see the wood for the trees.

 

 

Here we go with the don't judge me thing. If you have no regards for marriage how can you feel you are being judged for something that you don't regard. You shouldn't care one way or the other.

[jwi71]

I think you Are getting the wrong end of the stick, I did get another phone but her called me as much as I called him and sometimes I didn't get back to him for a few weeks which is why I wonder if I have hurt him. He was devestated when he couldn't contact me Nd asked me to constantly leave my H. I have never felt used for sex by him any more than I used him, we both enjoyed it! It was only that last time I felt used as he changed directly after. I will not think he has not found this difficult. I have not thrown myself at him at all, our relationship has been a two way street. Sorry you are very wrong.

 

If I got the wrong impression its because its the one you painted. If you re-read your post, you never once mention him contacting you. You specifically state you got a cell phone to contact him. And that you contacted him last. And you don't want to chase him. If that isn't the case, then you need to be more clear - as you are portraying something entirely different now.

 

So now what you are saying - and in replies to others - is you both desperately want each other. You are quite willing to abandon your H and your kids and he is not. And you are upset that he isn't willing to abandon his family for you. Yes?

 

Has he filed for divorce so he actually back up what he says? In sum, he will stay married and see you for sex. How is that not using you for sex?

[heavenlytomorrow]

ok, I'm done with this site. I posted to ask for advice but I'm just getting attacked. Seems there are a lot of women out there who hate women like me and this is their release, you are avoid the advice requested and are just bullies. Attack someone else, I'm too upset to be made to feel even worse.

[Geishawhelk]

We're just not saying what you expected.

or what you want to hear.

 

Never once have I attacked you, told you you are stupid, senseless, cruel inhuman, a b**tch, or anything like that.

I've just called a spade a ruddy shovel.

Tell me, please - tell me one single thing I have got completely hopelessly wrong. Or even slightly wrong.

Or even mildly inaccurate.

[2sure]

Heavenly -

 

I hate to see anyone leave because they are bullied. You have to understand this is a support forum. Most of the people here have been hurt and are looking to recover from a relationship issue.

 

I know you feel like you are looking for support...because clearly you are in pain. Thats fair enough. There are many many OW here similarly suffering and they find support through all kinds of situations like the end of an affair or even their MM leaving the wife.

 

But you are actually looking to inflict pain.

We arent really judging you so much as trying to let you figure out for yourself what you simply right now arent seeing.

[whichwayisup]

Noone has attacked you, but you have been given harsh advice. There's a huge difference between the two and obviously right now you can't tell the difference due to your frame of mind and not really ready (yet) to take a step back and take in the advice. You want a certain type of advice, one that makes you feel good and stuff that justifies what you're doing now to your husband and children. Maybe you're not ready to face the heartache and pain you've inflicted to your husband, not ready to own up and take responsibility of your part in all this..I do hope one day soon you are, and with that, you come back and try to take in what everyone is telling you. Just keep in mind, what people are saying is coming from a good place, not a mean place. Many can see the train coming that's about to hit you..

 

Maybe come back in afew days and re-read what's been said.

[jwi71]

Heavenly,

 

A support forum is not necessairly one in which you post and everyone crowds around to pat you on the back. Support for an addict is not giving him more drugs. Its withholding them. Do not construe advice you do not agree with as attacks, abuse or not supporting you. Quite the opposite.

 

You are in pain. So why? What is causing you pain? Is it because he tells you one thing and DOES the opposite?

[bentnotbroken]

Heavenly -

 

I hate to see anyone leave because they are bullied. You have to understand this is a support forum. Most of the people here have been hurt and are looking to recover from a relationship issue.

 

I know you feel like you are looking for support...because clearly you are in pain. Thats fair enough. There are many many OW here similarly suffering and they find support through all kinds of situations like the end of an affair or even their MM leaving the wife.

 

But you are actually looking to inflict pain.

We arent really judging you so much as trying to let you figure out for yourself what you simply right now arent seeing.

 

 

I thought I was the only one who saw she was talking about hurting someone, but she says she is being judged. Well, okay I will bite. You are wrong to want to hurt someone who was doing the exact same thing as you(op)was doing. So do you deserve some extra hurt for that?

[Heather1]

Well, I'm one that totally relates even though I'm not as far along into an A. I've also joined a few online support groups & been slammed to the point where my H is a friggin saint & I'm a piece of crap. No doubt that an A is the wrong thing to do, but I'm finding it's for different reasons besides the obvious that make it really hard & hurtful. I'm finding the hardest part is having no one to talk to about it & believing OM above all. I've been w/ my H 20 yrs and nothing like this has ever happened & I believe there's a reason it's happening now & I may be looking for an out. Sadly, I think I needed something like this to kick my butt and ask myself how happy my H & I are. I'm having moments of remembering what I first loved about my H & the life we really do have together. We grew up 10 blocks apart.

 

I know that feeling too, even though we haven't had sex. OM initiated a meeting last month and was very persistent about it. It was INCREDIBLE! I really can't believe we didn't have sex, just the biggest high I've had in SO LONG (20yrs). I got a little spooked, so we stopped & I was just elated. I felt like we were totally on the same page, etc. & he took off for a few minutes. When he came back he said we had "no future" and what were we doing. My big high turned into an extreme low. That's the feeling I'm trying to remember. We talked about it later & I asked him why he didn't say that "before" he begged me to come by all day. He said he's a guy. I'm surrounded by men, at home & at work. They'll take the sex first, and then let's talk reality... It's their brain. FWIW, it seems like it really is up to the woman to draw the line. I saw my situation coming a year ago. OM didn't think anything was happening until we kissed for the first time. Dufus.

[Mino]

why dont you stick around... I know its tough hearing some comments, in the begining I had a hard time reading all of the responses. But after a while you learn each posters style, and if you take the time you learn about their story too. Then you understand better. Today, its easier to hear, dont know why... but I see that in the end the advice you recieve here from EVERYBODY is not to hurt you, but to make you think..there are a few exceptions, but they are not here often, and have not posted on your thread...

[Mino]

it does seem sometimes when we get a new poster they ususally get initiated with very strong words, like a shock... they are not used to these words... maybe we need to be gentle with them at first? just a thought....

[heavenlytomorrow]

I thought I was the only one who saw she was talking about hurting someone, but she says she is being judged. Well, okay I will bite. You are wrong to want to hurt someone who was doing the exact same thing as you(op)was doing. So do you deserve some extra hurt for that?

 

I really MUST be missing the point here, please tell me who am I intentionally hurting? You make it sound like I'm hurting Op? Please help me understand as I'm obviously Missing something. Thanks.

[Geishawhelk]

.....please tell me who am I intentionally hurting?

 

1:- Your husband.

Because you are apparently dismissive of his feelings and emotions in the matter. You seem to not care or give a damn about his equal role in your marriage.

It's almost, in your posts, like he's a side-line inconvenience.....and he doesn't matter.

believe me, he does. And to find himself being spoken of in this way, on a public forum, would hurt him, you must know that.

 

Wouldn't you be hurt if the situation were to be reversed?

 

2:- Your children, because whatever happens, at one point, something will give and they will feel the pain of the break-up.

[mopar crazy]

You can't hurt your H anymore if he thinks you are in NC w/ the OM. However, if he finds out prepare for it. He may not be so generous the next time and file for a D.

 

You said he "made" go NC w/ the OM? Made you? If you want the M to work you should have offered to stop contacting OM. Do you know who you really want? I think you want both men but you are sitting on the fence right now as what to do. If you really wanted to work on your M you wouldn't have contacted the OM.

 

As for him, I think he kept contacting you again for just a booty call. After he got his rocks off (twice) w/ you, he acted like a jerk the next time you contacted him. Sounds to me he just used you, sorry to say that.

 

If you really want your M to work you need to NC w/ this OM again. Get rid of that other phone and seek IC and MC w/ her H.

[bentnotbroken]

1:- Your husband.

Because you are apparently dismissive of his feelings and emotions in the matter. You seem to not care or give a damn about his equal role in your marriage.

It's almost, in your posts, like he's a side-line inconvenience.....and he doesn't matter.

believe me, he does. And to find himself being spoken of in this way, on a public forum, would hurt him, you must know that.

 

Wouldn't you be hurt if the situation were to be reversed?

 

2:- Your children, because whatever happens, at one point, something will give and they will feel the pain of the break-up.

 

 

Well said. I would add his W. Don't you think that the pain she will experience is intentional. You and he are intentionally hurting her and the people who love them. And you are hurting yourself. So right now all you can think about him and how he makes you feel, now how are you feeling. Is it all romance and light now?