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Posted

Hello All.

 

I've been NC for nearly 2 weeks, with my SMM. If you read through my last thread the story is there-to recap he left his W nearly 9 months ago after 2.5yr EA/PA, but has been very up and down. To a point I ended it 2 weeks ago. NC has been hard, we work together. I have been very angry with him for the way he behaved over the summer-my old thread has the details. Anyway. he gave me a lift home yesterday, and we talked. And kissed. For an hour, then back to our separate (he lives alone) homes.

 

We spoke somemore today. And what he has said has left me very confused.

 

He has always said, even though I have evidence to the contrary, that he never tried to win his W back. She met someone else 2 months after he left. Since we split 2 weeks ago, he had admitted trying (not very hard) to woo her back in July. What has knocked me for 6 is that he told me today that the reason things have been so bad (he takes this responsibility as his indecision was the main prob) is that she has been emailing him saying that SHE's made a mistake with the new guy, and wants him back. So he withdrew from me.

 

I'm not sure what to believe. He's hinted at a roundabout way he wants me back, but still needs time to get his head straight. He has stated that the things he misses from his M is the security, nice house etc. He hates his flat here, misses the space. He said, he has a choice-the security, or me. I told him, if he gave me a chance and he commits to me, that he can have both.

 

There's no real Q in my post-I'm just very confused. Would I be a fool to take him back given the mess the first 8 months have been??

 

Any feedback much appreciated.

 

x

Posted

So he has told you that for a number of his own reasons - he has not yet decided whether he wants to work on his marriage, reconcile, or not.

 

For your sake, dont go back to square one with him.

Posted
He has always said, even though I have evidence to the contrary, that he never tried to win his W back.

 

Why wouldn't you believe the EVIDENCE instead of what he says?

 

He's hinted at a roundabout way he wants me back
Until he flat out plainly and clearly and definitively says that he wants you back and that he is divorcing his wife, AND you have evidence of both of those things, then you really have nothing and nothing's changed at all. So why go back to the way things were - with you miserable while he bounces back and forth?
Posted

Yup. 2Sure and Norajane have called this one correctly.

 

Its only a matter of time b4 they try and reconcile - the writings on the wall.

Posted
He said, he has a choice-the security, or me. I told him, if he gave me a chance and he commits to me, that he can have both.

You're right of course.

 

His either/or line of faulty thinking is interesting to me. I've been noticing how one of the things that keeps this triangulated R's going is that the cake-eater (to put it bluntly) often sets up a dillemma that justifies making it hard to choose. "Love or stability? "Love or stability?" Well, now THAT'S a pickle! But as you pointed out, it's a fake dillemma--one that could take a looooong time to solve. Perfect stall tactic, even if it's an unconscious dynamic that he's setting up.

Posted

I can't help but wonder if his W actually had a new bf. Was this proven or just what 'he' told you? The reason I ask is he said he was wanting space (previous thread of yours) during the holidays and wanted to go out of the country alone. I was thinking how sneaky (not really :D) it'd be if he had it planned out that he and the W would have a holiday somewhere else.

 

You deserve soooo much better. You're young, intelligent.. you can totally find someone else who'd give you so much more, what you deserve. You shouldn't have to keep wondering what his true intent is.

 

'If' you choose to be with him still I would suggest backing off until everything is final - divorce and all. He, if he truely loves and wants to be with you and only you, will come to you when he is 100% capable of being with you and only you.. no secrets. The fact that you're still hidden just shows his lack of committment.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks all, will reply generally as everything is my way of thinking pretty much.

 

His W definitely has a new BF. For sure.

 

He is most certainly stalling. And I do feel as if I'm back to square effing 1. Its so easy to get pulled in by him. He knows how i'm feeling and he knows how to work it I suppose. It grates me that she knows nothing of his infidelity, and that he is still considering the "security" as an option. At least I have all(??!) the information to at least make an informed decision.

 

I WILL NOT go back to being the other woman. NC starts again from here.

 

Thanks again.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

You are only putting up with the confusion and pain you feel right now because you are afraid of the confusion and pain you will have to deal with when this is all over. Trust me, I know...

 

I was only with my MM for nine months before he packed up and left across the country. Here I am four years later, jaded and unwilling to open my heart to another; do to my own beliefs that it was "real" and "true" love that we shared in our short time together.

 

He did end up divorcing his W, but that never brought him back to me. This is one of the most comprimising situations a woman will put up with for a long period of time. You are suffering now, and you will suffer when it ends. And it will end.

 

You asked if you could trust him now. No, you can't. I still wait for the day that my once MM will come back to me... I don't know why I wait for that, because I'm prepared to tell him "no". They always come back. One day, you will see. But it's not about that good revenge feeling that many women seek to find. It's about discovering the strength in yourself to move on. One day you will look back (it will hurt for a long time; I'm still hurting myself) and although it hurts, you will know on the inside that it can never work. I was lucky, you see. Apparently, his was an "open marriage" although I was still kept a secret from her. I didn't have to go through the drama of him leaving and coming back. He just left me. And her.

 

My point is, is that it's going to hurt either way. I didn't know it at first, but that trust is broken. That bond you thought you had isn't as strong as you think. You heart will break. I can say now that I'd rather be alone and still trying to glue my heart back together than go through a different kind of turmoil, which is the one you're putting yourself through. You've spent years going through all of this with a MM, I've spent years going through the emotional aftermath of it all.

 

I wish I could tell you that it will all be okay. All I know is that the best thing I ever did was face my fears of letting him walk out of my life. It's time to let your MM walk out on yours and he needs to keep on walking. I worked with mine too... I would look for another job if I were you. In fact, if I had the money and education, I wouldn't be where I am at today. I would have relocated on the other side of the country! Sometimes, we all just need a fresh start. You've done this long enough... isnt' it time to move away if you can?

 

You know, so many people look at the OW and just dispise her. Little do they know that we hurt too. We've had our hearts broken beyond what they know because we actually fell in love with a MM. And no pain is worse than that.

 

I hope I helped. - Tiff

Posted

tiff~ I just wanted to say that your story brought tears to my eyes. It is still very healing for me to hear others stories.

 

~99

Posted

Sometimes I still get so down on what happened with he and I, and I'll just google random things on how to heal a broken heart and all of that junk. And when I stumbled across this site the other night, it made me feel like I'm not such an outsider after all. Granted everyone's situation is different, but we are all the same in a way. We all are hurting in some form or another; that I know for sure.

 

It's hard when you start thinking about it to not let it take over your mind, but hey, it happens. I can pride myself in saying that I never wasted any time after he left. I started dating right away (although I was a wreck on the inside). And pieces of me are still wrecked... maybe that's why I can't find anyone I'm that interested, still, after four years! It's so frusterating to me, but I know the right one will come along some day, and I know that he won't have a ring on his finger when he does.

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