doubletalkinjive Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hi, I decided to join because I could do with some self-indulgence about a lost love. Somewhere to vent it all out in a discreet but personal fashion and also for there to be someone listening. Before I start, I'd like to share the song that I feel is the most heart-breaking and also relevant song to lost love. It's called This I Love and is the song that always makes me think of her. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1hScD47wlmQ Anyway, she came along at a point in my life when I was in a dark and sad place. Everywhere I went I was being mocked and ridiculed that I got to the point that I rarely left the house. I was an overweight, depressed, unconfident human being but she came along and saw through all that. When no-one else would even give me a second look except to point and laugh she actually talked and treated me like a human. She was, and hopefully still is, a kind and caring individual with a gentle soul. I still remember the first day I met her and considering I've suffered from an alcohol problem my memory is not a great as it used to be. God she was beautiful. Slim and petite, with a innocent type face and such a gentle smile. She was breath-taking. I hit the jackpot with her, considering who I was physically back then. Anyway she had lit a fire inside of me and I experienced feelings I had never felt before. I remember when us and a couple of friends went to the cinema and by chance we sat next to each other. It was a scary film (or so it was meant to be at least) so I offered that she could squeeze my hand as hard as she liked if she was scared. Sounds like a gentlemanly gesture but the truth is I just wanted to feel close to her. At that point in time, she was my everything. She was all I had in the world that was good. A couple of weeks later we started dating and I really feared the comments she'd get. And yes, she got them. I thought she'd go running but she stayed and ignored those that mocked her for dating me. Finally, someone to stand by me through all of this- and it felt like that with her no-one could harm me. I just loved spending time with her, cuddling in bed, playing with her. I just loved every minute I spent with her. It was amazing. New Years Eve that year was a defining point for me. To enter the new year with a woman like her beside me, I felt unstoppable. Like I really could start progressing with life and making my life better. We made our new years resolutions and mine was to never stop loving her. It's the only new years resolution that I haven't broken. And I never will. We spent almost a whole year of bliss but then things started to go sour. And it's my fault. We were young, she wanted to take things slow but I wanted to experience everything. In the end, she just felt that things were going too fast. So she ended it. So many times I explained that ultimately I didn't care about having sex, I just wanted to be with her. I don't think she believed me but I really meant it. After going on to have sex with others I'd still want to be with her and not make love than be with anyone else. Now I know, we were young etc. and I always shrugged off my feelings as 'fake love' that all young people experience but now I'm a grown adult and it's been 4 years since we split up and my feelings haven't changed and as every day goes on I just feel like my life is that little bit more bleak and grey without her. I would do anything to have her back, unfortunately she thinks I'm a complete arse nowadays. I can't blame her either. At times, I've acted like one too but it's because I was repressing and hiding how I felt. The truth is, I love her. I was just too scared to show it. The first couple of months after we broke up, I questioned so many times the reason why. Was I not good enough for her? I did everything to improve myself. In 6 months I lost 4 stone by running. And I did it for her. I remember I used to lose myself in the music and think about her, about winning her back. That was pure motivation for losing weight and changing my life. I did it all for her yet it didn't win her back. And now I'm all alone and the cold is my home. With a cheap bottle of wine and all these memories by my side. And no matter how many times I cry, this love won't ever die.
sumdude Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Broken hearts have many friends. At the time my wife left me I had gained 50 lbs since the time we met and was drinking heavily. A combination of depression, stress, grief for my mother's passing and an addictive tendency. Since then I've lost the 50 lbs and managed to moderate my drinking. At first part of the reason was to try to 'win her back' but eventually the real reason became to improve myself for my own sake. Her reasons for leaving were her own. Her explanations were hard to understand because I wasn't getting the whole truth. Nonetheless occasionally I still struggle with the self image that she left me because i was 'fat'.. even though that was only one factor in many more when she chose to leave. You will want to find a way to be self-validating. No one person can be your everything, eventually they will leave because that is too much responsibility. You have to have your own reasons for what you do or do not do. If your self esteem is built upon anything or anyone outside of yourself you will feel knocked down every time those things change.
LovieDove24 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 If your self esteem is built upon anything or anyone outside of yourself you will feel knocked down every time those things change. Damn that should be a famous quote somwhere sumdude! Its a good rewording of "You have to love you first." I wholeheartedly agree. Although its damn dogged hard to get to that point if you werent blessed with being raised with a healthy self-esteem. And really, was anyone? I mean this question honestly? Did anyones parents raise them so well that life never got ya down? Just wondering. My family was so damn dysfunctional I really have no idea.
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