SirgeMan Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Not sure if this is the most appropriate forum, but.... After nearly a year of a LDR, I relocated to the same city as my GF, taking even a step further with a leap of faith, moved in together. We're now nearly two months into our living together and I'm realizing that I have some real trust issues with my GF. They might have been there before when we lived far apart, but now they're in my face. In particular, she's become friends with a guy who initially expressed interest in her. There's nothing specific that would cause me to think this is anything less than platonic, but I cant help but wonder about it. Its given over to some paranoia about our relationship and how strong it actually is - and caused me to become particularly suspicious. I don't know if I'm looking for advice - maybe I am. There are days where our relationship seems particularly strong and days where it feels especially brittle. I know this was a big move for both of us, and maybe I should just cut ourselves some slack...or heed some internal warning system that I feel is going off.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 have you told her that this friendship makes you uncomfortable?
Author SirgeMan Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 It was discussed initially, back when she first told me about it. I feel that if I bring it up again, it won't make the situation any brighter. I certainly don't want to dictate who her friends are, but it's definitely causes me some uneasiness (particularly knowing guys usually don't hear "no", just "not now."
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 It was discussed initially, back when she first told me about it. I feel that if I bring it up again, it won't make the situation any brighter. I certainly don't want to dictate who her friends are, but it's definitely causes me some uneasiness (particularly knowing guys usually don't hear "no", just "not now." I see that you have two choices. 1. tell her respectfully that her friendship with this guy makes you uncomfortable, without making any demands that she end the friendship, and see what she does. Maybe you'll be more important than this friend. 2. Say nothing, suffer in silence, until you blow up, causing mass destruction to your relationship.
Author SirgeMan Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Good points, lonelyandfrustrated. I just fear that this some real insecurity for me and won't proceed into a constructive conversation.
IM5150 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I know exactly where your coming from. I live with my girlfriend that I have trust issues with too. I trust her about 90% but there's that 10% that bugs the hell out of me. She also has mostly all male friends. The enlighting part is that there have been a couple of those friends that have shown interst in her well knowing that she's in a relationship and she has broken ties with them so that's cool but I hate it when she texting on her phone, I'm always asking myself who she's talking to. My sister told me that girls in a relationship shuld not be hanging out with other guys, I beg to differ. My girlfriend is like one of the boys, she can definetely hold her own around anyone.
Ronni_W Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 maybe I should just cut ourselves some slack...or heed some internal warning system that I feel is going off. I just fear that this some real insecurity for me and won't proceed into a constructive conversation. Sirge. It does sound as if your 'internal warning system' is working very well...AND, if I'm hearing you correctly, you suspect that it is warning you about your own insecurity issues, and not about your g/friend's trustworthiness. I'd encourage you to trust both, your warning system AND your instincts Before you take off in directions that may negatively impact your relationship, perhaps you'd like to check this site: http://www.coping.org/growth/trust.htm I agree with you that, if you take unfounded fears and jealousies to your g/friend, it stands a better chance of everything going sideways. But if you do some self-reflecting first, get better informed/educated as to the possible real source(s) of your feelings, then a much more constructive and supportive conversation would likely result. If you also wanted to first brush-up on your "effective communication" skills, http://www.coping.org/dialogue/content.htm Best of luck.
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