blair08 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I have a friend who I love to pieces, and her husband recently left her a few weeks ago. I know there is always more to a story, so wanted to clear that up first. However, he had said he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. No one really knew why he wouldn't say. Finally she told me they had a long talk and he told her he couldn't forgive her after her affair about 6 years ago. He told her for all these years he pretended he could or thought he could get over it, but it secretly ate away at him. She had an affair about 6 years ago, and they seperated for a few months. He decided he wanted to work things out and told her he forgave her. She said things since then had been great, or so she thought. He acted as if he loved her, was there for her in all areas of the marriage etc. She said things were going good. She recently found out he had someone else. So now she is wondering if that is really WHY he left and decided to tell her he couldn't forgive her for her past cheating. What are your thoughts? Do you feel its possible he really couldn't forgive her and just carried that around for years in hopes things would get better for him? Or does it sound more like his cheating was just an excuse for what he was doling, so he blamed it on her past cheating and not being able to get passed it?
2sure Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Infidelity does terrible things to a marriage. Some of them are not only long lasting, but become a permanenet part of the relationship. While there is no solid timeline for recovery or forgiveness... I would think that most betrayed spouses who are going to have a "revenge affair" or who are going to look for an intimate shoulder to cry on...do so before six years have gone by. It of course is possible that although he said or even thought, he forgave her...in his heart he had not. We never really completely" get over" an affair...but the pain naturally fades . If he is seeing someone else, and now wants a divorce... This man has either been unhappy and his wife didnt know it... Or, he is having a personal crisis (midlife?) and this is his solution. He is using the affair to say its all her fault, once again, to deflect the blame from his bad behavior.
Author blair08 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 I agree. I talked with her last night, they have 3 small children and its just sad really. I feel for her. She said she now after all this time passed, she feels like she was living a lie. That everything he told her about how he was over it and passed what she had done years ago, how he seemed to be happy, everyone in their family and friends thought he was as well. Guess maybe he put on a good front. maybe he truly was hurting inside. She said she thought that is what bothered her so bad, is that if he did infact hurt and was really bothered by things, then she wished they would have just ended things years ago, instead of finding out 6 years later how he really felt.
BrooklynBridge Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Have you asked her how it feels to be the one who got cheated on? And how she feels now if she can imagine what he went through when she was cheating? Oh and by the way, he's line of him not being able to forgive her all these six years coincides perfectly with the fact that he's been seeing someone else. I wonder if there wasn't another woman if he'd still be in a state of forgiveness.....Of course he forgave her, and then he found someone else and left her for the other woman....
Author blair08 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Have you asked her how it feels to be the one who got cheated on? And how she feels now if she can imagine what he went through when she was cheating? Oh and by the way, he's line of him not being able to forgive her all these six years coincides perfectly with the fact that he's been seeing someone else. I wonder if there wasn't another woman if he'd still be in a state of forgiveness.....Of course he forgave her, and then he found someone else and left her for the other woman.... Those are good questions. Hard to say what he would have done. As far as asking her those questions about how it feels to be the one to get cheated on, and how he felt back when he went through with it with her. I really don't have to ask her that. I'm sure she already knows how it feels, and probably makes her feel worse. But you know when she did what she did years ago, she is the one who told him she would understand if he didn't want to stay with her and work things out, but he chose too. I don't believe that what she did years ago was right, but I also don't believe that two wrongs don't make a right either.
JackJack Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 No one will ever know for sure really, but him and how he truly felt about how his wife's cheating affected him...... I'm sure it does have lasting affects..... However, I agree its a little odd how he now has someone else and used the excuse he could not deal after all these years with his wife's cheating..... So I will say, that even if it has been hard for him these years, that its more of an excuse than anything. Just my 2 cents.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 But you know when she did what she did years ago, she is the one who told him she would understand if he didn't want to stay with her and work things out, but he chose too. Unfortunately, "work things out" doesn't come with a timeline or expiration date. Infidelity leaves a scar on the relationship, no different that the scar a deep cut or burn might leave on your hand. Does that go away after 6 years? While I don't condone what he did (if he did indeed have an OW), I do understand how he felt... Mr. Lucky
Author blair08 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 Unfortunately, "work things out" doesn't come with a timeline or expiration date. Infidelity leaves a scar on the relationship, no different that the scar a deep cut or burn might leave on your hand. Does that go away after 6 years? While I don't condone what he did (if he did indeed have an OW), I do understand how he felt... Mr. Lucky I agree, and I think she sees that too. I don't think she condones it either, but at the same time I think she feels part of the reason he did what he did, might have been due to the fact she had hurt him years ago, still doesn't make it right for him to do it as well. he could have gotten out of the marriage just like she could have chosen not to cheat first. I spoke with her earlier today and she said she talked to her H and he told her he wasn't planning on getting back with her. So she contacted a lawyer about seperation, she said she was ready to move on with things, if he doesn't want to work it out this time. Of course she us upset and blames herself for what she did years ago, but he was the one who chose to stay and now that he has someone, he is choosing to leave. Personally IMO, they are probably better off without each other.
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