HopelessRomantic75 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. Our relationship has been fastly intense, meaning that both of us are more than crazy for each other more so than we have ever been with anyone and he is already talking about me moving in with him next year. I have met his friends who have also confronted me stating that they have never seen my boyfriend so "into" someone before, that my boyfriend tells them how hard he has fallen for me, etc. We know that both of us have had relationships with other people besides us in the past (we are grown ups). The other day I was at his house trying to up load pictures on his PC when I found a sex video that he made of him and another girl from 4 months before we started dating. Needless to say, I was horrified and deeply hurt. I think I can say for all of us that when you are so into someone, you know that they have been with other people and you don't care, however no one wants to physically watch or see their love live in action with another person. I confronted him on it and found out there were more videos, all of different women. He claims that he used to have no respect for women and he only made these videos with women that he didn't respect, i.e. he never made them with his past girlfriend/s. When asked as to why he had them and kept them, he said that he didn't use them for any other purposes except to record the "act" and that he forgot about them and never thought to delete them. While he didn't cheat on me and I agree that we all have pasts, the video that I barely watch has seriously messed with my head. He did agree to delete them all, in my presence (which was done) but I have never been in this situation before and I have no idea as to how to feel, act, or how to get the image out of my head of what I saw whenever I close my eyes. I basically feel numb and have no idea as to where to go from here. At first parts of me wanted to leave and never even utter a word to him again, however my heart (eventhough greatly hurting) made the decision to stay...which is where I am now. Has anyone been in my shoes before, if so how did it end, and any advice?
Green Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 seriously what were you doing snooping around his computer when you were suposedly loading pictures on... why were you watching videos... and then he has to delete them in your presence geez
Adunaphel Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 First, I am sorry that you are hurt - I would be too, if I found a video from my partner's past where he is having sex with someone else. Do you think your main problem is overcoming the shock of seeing the video, or do you think there is more to it? I am asking because this He claims that he used to have no respect for women and he only made these videos with women that he didn't respect, i.e. he never made them with his past girlfriend/s. When asked as to why he had them and kept them, he said that he didn't use them for any other purposes except to record the "act" and that he forgot about them and never thought to delete them. would raise a red flag to me, to the point that I'd need to discuss further and deeper the issue. That's because personally I am not comfortable with men who would do something (anything!) only with "women they don't respect". Btw, do you think the girl in the video knew she was being recorded? If it was clearly a video they both agreed to, is one thing, if there is even a slight doubt that she could have not known she was being recorded, then I'd run for the hills. If you trust your bf, feel truly confortable around him and have no problems with the fact that he had sex with people he did not respect, I think that in some time you could overcome the shock of the discovery. It will certainly help that he has agreed to delete them!
Viking Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Unless he emptied the recycle bin, they're still on his computer. Why would you be snooping around on his computer in the first place? It shows that you don't really trust him. As far as the sex tape and you being hurt, its understandable. I wouldn't want to see that if I were in a similar situation. It sounds like he actually values your relationship and doesn't want you to think poorly of him (hence the deletion).
sscutie Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 yes tahts kinda tough... but you should give him a chance for the future, cause there aint a thing you can do with what has already been done
Ariadne Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 seriously what were you doing snooping around his computer when you were suposedly loading pictures on... why were you watching videos... and then he has to delete them in your presence geez (agreed)
Ariadne Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Has anyone been in my shoes before, if so how did it end, and any advice? No, but that's pretty tought. You'll forget don't worry, that's because you just saw them, in the future remembering them migth even make you horny.
2sure Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 As you said, you both have a past, as does every grown up. You know you have both slept with others, but probably have not gone into each and every detail , because who wants to hear that? So, you have no problem knowing he had other girlfriends, women, and sex. Before you saw the video, you could even assume the sex you have with him was way better than the rest. We all do that. But now you have seen the video. So, thats kind of in your face. It may have felt like a kind of betrayal to watch...it felt like betrayal , but it wasnt of course. He didnt cheat on you. Still, the VISUAL hurts. So, he likes to make movies. Its not a bad thing, or even overly kinky, many people do. Its bad only if the women didnt know that were being recorded. The videos are equal to pictures of old girlfriends in a way. Do you have a moral issue with anyone taking movies of themselves having sex? (fair question) Would you have issue with him taking movies of you had you not found the videos? If your answer is no - then you are just a little jealous. Your bf kept them because its a vanity thing, an ego thing. Its not about the women, its about him, and the sex. When he watches them, if he does, you can bet he isnt thinking about how cute/fun/smart Miss X was...He probably isnt thinking about the women at all. You are in love with him, but really havent been together that long. It may be jumping the gun to already have assumed he would have erased all traces of the other women has known or dated in his life. The scary part here is exactly what another poster stated. He told you he only took videos of women he didnt respect. There is nothing wrong with making videos. I think its fun. But in his mind he was filming becsause the disrespect part was important to him?? That is absolutely MONSTEROUS. I have to wonder if he didn't just use those words to soothe you, to make you feel like those other women werent as good as you?If so, he picked a poor choice of words to say you are special. If not, I would RUN.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Well, I hope you learned your lesson about watching your boyfriend's PRIVATE VIDEOS. Don't try to play it off as uploading photos -- you were snooping. I see nothing wrong with making sex videos, but I also find the "disrespecting women" bit a huge red flag. Why is he disrespecting women having sex with him? And why is having sex with women he doesn't respect? Isn't he just as guilty of whatever is worthy of disrespect by having sex with them? Yes. Yes, he is. Recording them for posterity and never watching them again is BS, I think. I'm sure at the least they were wank material in the past. Maybe not now, but I'm sure at some point. But the disrespect thing is the most troublesome part of all this.
Author HopelessRomantic75 Posted November 25, 2008 Author Posted November 25, 2008 First of all...I was uploading pictures on his computer of US and when I went to see my pictures, there was the video instead, however it wasn't marked as a video...it was marked as a media file with a number (the same thing that my pictures get marked when uploaded) so it was impossible for me to know what the file was that I was about to view. Trust me, had I of known what it was, I would have NEVER opened it because like I said, that is something I could have gone without seeing for the rest of my life! Also he told me that there were more videos and I had all the opportunity in the world to snoop and I DIDN'T....I don't believe in snooping. Second of all the video wasn't in a Private Folder, etc...it was there in plain site. I had use his computer before just like he has used mine. It wasn't a big deal for us. If I wanted to snoop I very well could have and I would have found all the videos. But unlike MOST people, I didn't. I simply walked away from the computer. Not everyone snoops and I can say that I am proud that I am one of those people! Third, I talked to 4 trusted people about this, whom none have been in this situation, and one of them was a mature guy, and they all said the same thing...if he knows how much it bothers you then he would delete them and he would make sure you knew they were deleted...so that you know they are gone. Also the same thing he said (the boyfriend) would request... Ahhh yes...the recycle bin...I'm not stupid. No, but that's pretty tought. You'll forget don't worry, that's because you just saw them, in the future remembering them migth even make you horny. That is disturbing. There is nothing about remembering them that would make me horny. I would like to think I have good morals/values and myself making a sex tape isn't something that fits into that. I understand that people make them and it seems to be popolar among some, however just from this experience I can honestly say I don't get them, and I don't see anything good come out of them. I mean you constintly hear about stupid celebs and their sex tapes getting released into the wrong hands...I think the most famous two was Pam Anderson's that she made. Once again proof that except for enjoyment for others, what good comes from them? Thank you for your comment....I think however people assumed something that wasn't true. Once again...you probably have never had this happen to you so you have no idea what you would do/think if it did. As for being in shock...I can honestly say that I am in a state of shock. And I am highly thinking about his "disrespecting" women issue.
movingonandon Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 he really shot himself in the foot with the "no respect thing". that was a really bad move on his side (what's the problem to make a movie with a woman you respect, eh ?), but I can understand the urge to come up with some bul**** when a nosy new girlfriend wages her accusatory finger but other than that, he has plenty of right to make movies with whoever he chooses (in the past), and the fact that he did does not necessarily say anything;
JamesM Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 First, I find it hard to believe that he simply deleted them. I think there are copies elsewhere. Second, were these women aware they were being videotaped? Have the two of you been on the same bed where these women were videotaped? This can be done secretively...as I am hoping you are aware of. Third, why do you think he respects you more...words of friends or him? Do you think the past women felt disrespected by him...or perhaps he showed the same respect for them until he had enough videos of them? Does he have any websites or is he sharing these videos with anyone online? I would be concerned.
movingonandon Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 yep, also whether or not the girls knew makes a huge difference, obviously. long time ago i made one such video and my girlfriend at the time didn't know. but i was promptly disgusted with myself - this is clearly a serious abuse of trust - so i destroyed it immediately and irreversably; later we made others, but mutually aware etc...
berrieh Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I agree that the bigger RED FLAGS are the "no respect for women" comment and the potential that these girls didn't know they were being recorded (did they?). Perhaps I have an unusual nature, in that it wouldn't bother me to neccesarily see a sex tape of a boyfriend and another woman (I've not seen a tape, but I have seen naughty pictures of an earlier ex---which I admonished my (now-ex)bf to get rid of, not for myself, but because I think it's demeaning -- for your former partner -- to keep "naughty" pictures of someone you're no longer with). As long as my partners are honest (and clean!), I don't care how many girls they've been with or what they did. It's nice, of course, if there are "new territories" for us to have be "only ours" -- but the older you get, the less "I Never"s you have left on your list and the more partners you've acquired. It happens. And, to me, seeing it is no different than knowing it happened. It's definitely not cheating, and I've never understood why girls think it FEELS like cheating (but feelings aren't logical, so what can ya do?). However, he said he had no respect for these and many women? He said he slept with women and recorded them while having no respect for them? Wow. That would raise some red flags with me. Unless he had a very good reason (i.e. he was in that state because some woman ****ed him over but-good, and he recovered long before you came around, and he went to therapy to deal with that lack of respect for women), I would be tempted to get out. The fact that this video was recorded just FOUR MONTHS before meeting you and in that period he had NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN would be a huge red flag to me. Then again... that could have been something he said because he thought it would make you feel better. Men are weird, and their ideas about women are even weirder. So, I wouldn't toss a man out for phrasing something badly either, but I would investigate that "no respect" comment a bit more and be on guard. (And yes, he should delete the tapes...for you AND out of respect for the women on them, who may no longer want him holding onto them if they knew those tapes still existed. Though I wouldn't fault him for not thinking of it; what seems important to one person might not occur to the next.)
Ariadne Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I have good morals/values and myself making a sex tape isn't something that fits into that... And I am highly thinking about his "disrespecting" women issue. Well, I'm not sure how this is going to work either.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My advice - get over it, and next time don't snoop for no reason.
mental_traveller Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Why is he disrespecting women having sex with him? And why is having sex with women he doesn't respect? Testosterone. The "disrespecting" is just a BS excuse to stop his current gf from nagging him to death. He didn't disrespect the girls, he probably loved it and them.
Mary3 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 First, I find it hard to believe that he simply deleted them. I think there are copies elsewhere. Second, were these women aware they were being videotaped? Have the two of you been on the same bed where these women were videotaped? This can be done secretively...as I am hoping you are aware of. Third, why do you think he respects you more...words of friends or him? Do you think the past women felt disrespected by him...or perhaps he showed the same respect for them until he had enough videos of them? Does he have any websites or is he sharing these videos with anyone online? I would be concerned. Agreed ! One thing OP should know. He DOES view these videos. He masterbates to them , you know. Thats the REASON they are on his computer. He is wacking off to other females and the biggest turn on is he is the STAR of his own video. The " Yeah, I took those videos because I did not respect those girls " Almost sounds like something a rapist would say,.. I think its BS. He taped those movies. He is telling you what you want to hear. Are most females whores in his eyes ? If you are having sex with someone you dont respect , what are they to you ?? True you did not intend to open the movie. You were not snooping necessarily. But if you could understand the vast volume of Porn you might find on his computer it might blow you away. I think he is a creep though to tape girls if they did not KNOW they were being taped. Sick
Ruby Slippers Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 The "disrespecting" is just a BS excuse to stop his current gf from nagging him to death. He didn't disrespect the girls, he probably loved it and them. OK, in that case, he's a liar. In the other case, he's a hypocrite at best. Either way, he's sketchy.
Author HopelessRomantic75 Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 but I have seen naughty pictures of an earlier ex---which I admonished my (now-ex)bf to get rid of, not for myself, but because I think it's demeaning -- for your former partner -- to keep "naughty" pictures of someone you're no longer with). As long as my partners are honest (and clean!), I don't care how many girls they've been with or what they did. It's nice, of course, if there are "new territories" for us to have be "only ours" -- but the older you get, the less "I Never"s you have left on your list and the more partners you've acquired. It happens. And, to me, seeing it is no different than knowing it happened. It's definitely not cheating, Thank you Berrieh! Like I said in my first post, I know that both of us are grown ups and that we have been with other people, etc. That doesn't bother me. That is called life - its something you either accept or not. I choose to accept it however just not "watch" it. I never thought of the sex tapes as Cheating...how can it be - they were before me. Also I believe that he should at least let the woman know (from the video) that unfortunately due to him not deleting the video it did get viewed by someone else other than him. I just think that is a respectful thing to do for the other woman. Then again he claims he didn't have respect for these woman so ..... thats like an oxymoron. As for his claim of not respecting women, hence why he video taped them, etc, I am highly skeptical and it does raise some HUGE red flags. I do know that he was f-kd over by a girl whom he had was in-love with and did loose respect for people in general. I know however that is no excuse for what he said and/or did. I have too have been f-kd over but I didn't loose respect for men, whore myself out, etc. As for what others have said: He is a man, I guarantee there is porn on his computer and/or he has porn DVD's. That is a given (and I don't care nor do I care to know). However there is a HUGE difference between porn (like commercial porn) and self made sex videos. As for if he has put the videos on a internet sharing site, I am not sure. I asked him that and he said no. Who knows. People will say anything to keep someone to stay. I am not shocked easily - however this whole sex video and why people keep them after the fact is new to me. I appreciate all the responses that I have gotten from this. I have to say that I have gotten a whole lot of different views. Maybe somethings are better to be found out now than years down the road. Its time to move on.
norajane Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 this whole sex video and why people keep them after the fact is new to me. Instead of hearing he made them with women he didn't respect (), if I were you, I'd much rather hear something like: that was my ex gf that I was in love with. being in love, we were very free with each other and liked playful sex and had a lot of fun making that video and a few others. we watched them together every now and then and it was hot and always got us in the mood for more great sex. sometimes when she was away, i'd watch them myself and wank to them...watching us together turned me on way more than downloading some porn off the internet of a bunch of strangers having sex. i kept it because, although we aren't in love anymore, and it's part of my history, just like your diaries or vacation pics of you and your ex are. i'm sorry you had to see it - i should have downloaded them onto a dvd and locked them away, because even though it's my history too, it's also a violation of her privacy to have anyone else see those videos. and i'm sorry it's upset you. it was never my intention to do that. Of course, in guy speak, that comes out as: ooops, i didn't know i still had those on my laptop.
Mary3 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Instead of hearing he made them with women he didn't respect (), if I were you, I'd much rather hear something like: that was my ex gf that I was in love with. being in love, we were very free with each other and liked playful sex and had a lot of fun making that video and a few others. we watched them together every now and then and it was hot and always got us in the mood for more great sex. sometimes when she was away, i'd watch them myself and wank to them...watching us together turned me on way more than downloading some porn off the internet of a bunch of strangers having sex. i kept it because, although we aren't in love anymore, and it's part of my history, just like your diaries or vacation pics of you and your ex are. i'm sorry you had to see it - i should have downloaded them onto a dvd and locked them away, because even though it's my history too, it's also a violation of her privacy to have anyone else see those videos. and i'm sorry it's upset you. it was never my intention to do that. Of course, in guy speak, that comes out as: ooops, i didn't know i still had those on my laptop. Beauuuuuuutifully spoken Nora ! I also agree that he should have said " Ooops honey , that was my ex girlfriend and we loved making movies of eachother. I am very sorry you saw that and out of respect I will remove it. Nora is RIGHT . Its a BIG difference between seeing a random porn star going at it with Long Dong Silver versus your BOYFRIEND having detailed graphic sex with a girl and you were as unfortunate to stumble upon it. That has got to do something to your brain , you must have felt sick. I KNOW most female readers here might feel the same if someone they love was banging away at another girl. I bet few would say :" Ah who cares ? : While true its in the past it still has just as much effect if anyone here walked in and their boyfriend was screwing another girl right in front of them....
Author HopelessRomantic75 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 THANK YOU! TWO people here with a brain!
2ndWife Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 we don't know what the situation was like when the video tapes were exposed. the last thing a guy would say in that situation would be "i love having sex with those girls (gfs) so i kept all the videos". when my SO snooped in my computer he found a video file along with a few letters that i wrote in a hidden folder, he was devastated, crying, drank a bottle of whiskey and threatened to kill himself. i can never bring myself to confront him about checking up my stuff in the first place. not saying that OP is like my SO, but given the situation i would imagine it being hard for the BF to tell the truth. my take? him feeling guilty? maybe. disrespectful to those girls? maybe not. make sure you'll get over this. otherwise it will get between you two for a long, long time.
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